A/N: Hey guys! So I know it's been an extremely long time since I updated, and I am so, so sorry. I actually hadn't even realized how long until I looked at my last update date and saw December 29, 2010. Four months? I couldn't believe it. I always disliked authors that would start a story and get me really into it only to find at the last posted chapter that they hadn't updated in almost half a year. I could say I've been busy, which I have, but it's not the true reason I haven't been keeping up with my stories. I have sort of just neglected FanFiction altogether. I still enjoy writing Eclipse of the Eyes (McGonagall's Mission has been really tough for me...) and plan on finishing it very soon with only two more chapters to go after this, but I still find it a bit hard to get enough words together to be called a chapter. Again, I apologize for such a big delay and hope you haven't lost faith in me as a writer. I certainly don't plan on having such a big gap between updates anymore so you can count on that :)
RECAP (if you're a little rusty on what last happened...it has been a while): This will be in Kim's Point of View. The last chapter saw Jared and the pack agree to an alliance with the Cullens as well as Jasper teaching some not-so-old dogs new tricks on how to deal with newborns. The pack was told that the army is supposed to come in four days. Jared tells Kim about the battle, but she gets a little distracted so they'll have a lot to talk about in this chapter.
Forgive me if my grammar and overall flow is a little out of practice...it has been a while, I didn't have this chapter beta-ed, and it was kind of written in pieces. Also, excuse the format of the lyrics...FanFiction is being its good ole self and won't let me copy them from other sites so that the spacing of the lines is closer, and it also won't let me separate the different verses and choruses from each other. I hope you guys enjoy anyway!
Disclaimer #1-I don't own any of the original characters, plots, scenes, etc. from the Twilight series. They belong to Stephenie Meyer.
Disclaimer #2-I also do not own the song Represent. It belongs to The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.
Chapter Fourteen- Represent (Kim's POV)
A kid came up to me now just the other day
And asked me if I thought about what I would say
If everything came crashing down on top of me
How would I stay torn?
The next afternoon Jared and I sat across from each other at my kitchen table, quietly discussing the approaching fight. My fingers twisted together nervously as they so often did, and my eyes rarely strayed from the swirls made in the wooden table.
"Are you scared?" I whispered.
"Yeah," came his soft reply.
I looked up to see him running a hand through his short hair anxiously. My hand twitched, itching to reach out to him. It was uncomfortable to have the table separating us, but yesterday proved that Jared distracted me too easily.
"So am I," I admitted with a shaky breath.
But I wasn't just scared. I was absolutely and completely terrified. I never had so much to lose before. We had just exchanged three words that meant everything. I had everything to lose now. Those selfish words that wanted to make him stay got stuck in my chest, causing a pain to erupt that brought tears to my eyes. I couldn't ask him to sit this one out for my sake…I couldn't do that to him.
The quiet wrapped around us tightly, strangling whatever calm I had left out of me. I leaned my head forward, letting my hair cover my face as I felt a couple tears spill over down my cheeks. I didn't know how to handle this. I was falling apart.
Large, scalding hands brushed across my cheek.
"Hey," Jared said while gently nudging my chin up so that I was forced to look into his eyes, "It'll be okay...I promise."
My eyes dropped to the table again. "You don't have to promise that," I replied, shaking my head slightly.
Suddenly, I was lifted off my seat and cradled to Jared's warm chest as he sat down where I had previously been. My eyes widened as I looked into his, but he just smiled warmly and pulled me closer. He buried his face in my hair, his lips resting on my ear.
"Do you know why I'm scared?" he whispered, and my eyes closed involuntarily as his breath fanned across the side of my face.
I shook my head slowly, indicating that I didn't know.
"I never had something—someone—to come back to before you. And I'm scared to death that there is a chance I'll never get to see you again," he confessed, his voice breaking slightly.
I couldn't stop the tears now as they poured, unrelenting, down my cheeks and blurred my vision. My hands fisted tightly in the shirt he had finally put on with no intention of ever letting him go.
"Why are you telling me this?" I murmured brokenly.
"Well, Billy's theory is that the imprint makes the wolf stronger. You make me stronger," he said softly, stroking my cheek with his thumb. "Because of you I'll fight harder, run faster, come back sooner…I'll never leave you alone."
"O-Okay…I-I trust you," I managed to stutter as I squeezed my eyes closed tightly and pulled myself closer to his warmth.
I had to trust him. There was absolutely nothing else I could do. I couldn't make him stay, not without being selfish. I was terrified of what the Cold Ones could do to a human like me but would face them trembling in fear for Jared if I thought it'd do any good. And I knew it wouldn't. Jared would be distracted and I'd be horror stricken, probably getting us both killed. I felt helpless, but I couldn't do anything else. I just had to trust him.
Will you represent?
Will you stand close?
Will they shame you?
Will they blame you?
It's funny how the words of a child can be
Simple, but the thought there is so meaningful
Makes me wonder what I would say to me
In the eyes of another
I had begun to count down the time I had left with Jared. Two days until he had to go and fight an indefinite number of newborns. Emily had already warned me against this constant counting. She claimed it would eventually drive me to insanity, and I wholeheartedly agreed. The only problem was that right now it was the only thing keeping me sane.
As I stared at the plain ceiling above my bed, I couldn't stop the thoughts that coiled and turned endlessly in my mind. Never wavering, never offering even the slightest hope of peace. There was no chance that I'd get back to sleep. I rolled over to look at the clock on my bedside table and groaned, rubbing my eyes harshly when I saw that it read only ten after four o'clock in the morning.
I heard a slight thump come from the far side of my bedroom and knew that Jared had left his furry post below my window.
"You don't have to jump through my second story window at every single sound I make. You need your sleep," I said, sighing lightly and lifting my body up to lean on my elbows.
Jared smirked and slowly laid down next to me, pulling me into his scorching embrace. "My senses are tuned to your every move," he whispered in my ear. "I can't help it if I wake up ready to fight off evil when you let out a shriek of distress."
I could clearly hear the smile in his voice even if my face was buried in his chest. Slapping a hand across his solid bicep, I leaned up to murmur angrily in his ear. "I was not in distress. I just haven't been able to sleep for the past three hours."
Jared just chuckled and pulled me closer. We stayed like that for a long while. Me crushed up against his steaming chest but not the least bit uncomfortable, and him with his face buried in my neck and hands pressing against my back. When I looked at the clock again in was half past five, and I was struggling to keep my eyes open.
"Just go to sleep," Jared said, speaking softly in my ear.
"Only if you do, too," I countered sleepily.
"Okay, I promise. Now just go to sleep."
I forced myself to stay conscious for a couple more minutes…until I could hear Jared's light, even breathing that indicated he was asleep. He's an extremely light sleeper. He has to be if he wants to protect the people of La Push and himself from immortal beings that roam the night. His heightened senses forced him to wake at even the slightest of sounds, and he wasn't getting much sleep these days. Shadows of sleep deprivation had formed under his eyes so it was a relief and delight to see him finally getting some shut-eye.
Only when I was satisfied with Jared's peaceful and very much asleep state did I finally settle down myself and lose consciousness as sleep consumed me.
Will you represent?
Will you stand close?
Will they shame you?
Will they blame you?
There's a consequence
For the path you chose
Will they change you?
"When are you going to tell them?"
It was a simple question really. It required a fairly short answer, even one word if I so preferred. But I was having difficulty saying anything, let alone coming up with a legitimate answer. The truth was I didn't know when. I didn't know when I would ever gain the courage to tell my parents that I wasn't going to Stanford after the argument we had over dinner when Jared came over. I didn't know how I would tell them.
"I don't know, Jared. They obviously didn't get it the first time. Why are you pushing me on this?" I whispered pathetically, voice breaking the slightest bit.
"Because I love you," he muttered, pulling my chin around to look him in the eye as we sat on the couch at my house. "I love you, and I want to see you succeed at USC or wherever else you want to go. I know you'd be a great as an English major, and you'd make a great career out of it whether you became a teacher or wrote the next Harry Potter. I just…I don't want to see you throw this all away because someone told you to change."
His eyes dropped to our intertwined hands, and he squeezed mine tighter. He was smiling brightly when he lifted his head back up.
"You're better than that, Kim." He paused for a bit and leaned in to kiss my forehead lightly. "You deserve better than that. USC is going to be a lot different from La Push and being apart is going to be really hard, but I'll do it for you and I know you'd do the same for me."
I tried to interrupt quickly. "But, Jared, I don—"
"Don't let them change your mind, Kimmy," he said, teasing me with my childhood nickname. "It was never you're fault that you were destined for greater things." He laughed. "You got to show them how wrong they were about you."
Will they make you who you are?
Will they make you who you are?
Will they make you who you are?
Let the free world ride your way
In these times of darkened days
Let the free world ride your way
Let the free world ride your way
"I-I'll do it," I stuttered. I could feel my cheeks heat up as Jared started at me intently. "I'll tell my parents everything—about USC and being an English major—but could you, uh…could you be there with me?" My eyes avoided his as I asked this last question.
"Always," he assured me firmly, lifting my chin so I would look into his dark brown eyes. "I'll always be with you."
I tried my hardest not to hear the double meaning hidden in his words, but I knew that he was also referring to the possibility of his premature end in the upcoming battle. As hard as I tried, I still understood what he so desperately wanted to tell me, and it brought tears to my eyes.
I wiped at my eyes roughly, trying to hastily rid them of the ugly moisture. "I-I know," I mumbled and hoped that my voice didn't break too bad.
"Hey," he scolded lightly, pulled my hands from my eyes, "don't do that. You might hurt yourself, and you know I don't like seeing you cry." His brows furrowed in concern and his eyes looked slightly pained. "We'll make it through…I promise."
He fell back on the couch so that he was lying down with his arms behind his head. He smirked up and me and gently yanked my arm so that I fell a little roughly on top of him, every inch of my body pressed against his.
"You all right?" he asked immediately, gently running his hands up and down my body as he looked for any injuries I could have sustained.
"Fine," I murmured as I snuggled closer to Jared's unwavering heat.
We spent our afternoon just like that. Too wrapped up in each other to care about much else. I wished so hard that it could last, that I could spend the wrest of my days like that, but I knew better. Two days. That was all I had and as much as I hoped I would have more after that, I was too scared to think about anything beyond that moment and Jared's arms around me.
I squeezed my eyes shut as tightly as I could, trying to prevent the newly sprung tears from leaking out. It did nothing to stop them, but Jared only held me tighter and slipped his large hand up to stroke my cheek comfortingly as he felt the wetness against his bear chest.
"Kim…Kim, wake up. Sweetheart, you have to wake up."
Jared's hot breath washing over my neck and deep, husky voice only added to my reluctance to wake up. It lulled me back into a slightly lighter sleep, but I could feel Jared lightly shake my shoulder as I lay on top of him.
"Kim your parents are home and they're going to co—"
I heard the door burst open and shuffling feet. I instantly jumped off Jared and the couch as the current situation caught up to me. I quickly turned to see both of my parents standing in the doorway. Their gazes were harsh and critical as always, and I quickly straightened my clothes. I felt Jared stand behind me and place a warm hand on my lower back.
"H-Hey, Mom," I said, clearing my throat nervously, "Dad. You're home a little early."
"Well, we definitely didn't expect to find you quite, uh, like this," came my mother's curt reply, her mouth pursed unattractively.
"I certainly agree with your mother." My dad stood closely behind my mom, his presence extremely intimidating.
A long silence fell upon the room, and I could feel the tension wrapping around me. My parents' gazes bore into me as I fiddled nervously with the hem of my shirt. I hadn't felt this uncomfortable since the beginning of my relationship with Jared. I wanted to tell my mother and father all the things that I had promised Jared I would, but I couldn't stand to break the quiet with my wobbly voice.
"And I see you're still dating that boy."
"Of course I am," I spat quickly, forgetting my earlier fears altogether. "And Jared is right here, Mom, so please don't be rude."
My mother and father didn't seem very surprised at my outburst after dinner with Jared the other night, but their expressions told me that they weren't happy with me either.
"Um, I a-actually wanted to, uh, tell you something," I started nervously.
The feeling of Jared's sweltering body pressed close to mine served as a comforting reminder that he was here to support me, that he encouraged my decisions. I could do this. I could do this with Jared here with me.
"I don't want to go to Stanford to be an engineer." My parents opened their mouths to protest, but I held up my hand and interrupted them quickly. "No, you need to listen. For once just…just shut the hell up and listen." I heard Jared trying to disguise his laugh as a cough, causing me to suppress a smile. "If I go to college, I'll choose where I want to go and what I want to major in. And it was nev—"
"If you go to college?"
"What do you mean? It's not a question…you are going to college."
"Kim, what are you talking about?"
My mother looked like she was about to faint, and my father was grim and serious. I could hear the confusion in Jared's voice as it came from behind me. This was something that I had not even told him yet, but I hadn't wanted him to worry. I knew I would need to explain everything later.
I took a deep breath. "I need to control my own life. I know that you're only trying to do what's best for me, but you guys seem to be so blind and stubborn that you can't see that Stanford and engineering isn't what's best for me. I never wanted that, and if you force me into it I will never be able to be happy. I'll be miserable, and I'll hate you for it. So please…please don't force me into anything. I swear I'll move out the second I turn eighteen if you do," I threatened. Another thing I hadn't told Jared. "If you don't let me make my own choices, I promise you'll lose me forever."
You will represent
You'll stand close
They won't shame you
They won't change you
There's a consequence
For the path you chose
They can't change you
They can't make you who you are not
"Jared?" I whispered to the darkness of my bedroom.
"Yeah?" he answered from beside me as he pulled me closer to his body, though I didn't think that was physically possible.
"Thank you…for being there and staying with me. It meant a lot to me, and I know that you knew that. I just wanted to make sure you knew just how much and—"
My breath left in a gasp as I was suddenly flipped onto my back. I felt the weight of Jared's hard body on top of me, and I could just make out his face in the darkness. The bright moonlight from the window illuminated one side of his face, creating a dark shadow across the rest. He hadn't shaved in a couple of days so light stubble dusted his cheeks and chin. His chest was bare and he only wore a pair of crudely cut jeans.
His lips descended onto mine slowly, dragging out the intimate moment. This kiss was slow, searching. We took our time memorizing each other. I felt one Jared's hands run up the outside of my uncovered thigh to rest on my hip. He drew small circles and then moved to rest it gently on my stomach underneath my shirt. I wasn't afraid of him moving farther or faster than I wanted. I felt safe with him, my protector.
Jared began trailing light kisses down my neck and across my collarbone. My hands felt miniscule as they ran across Jared's bulging biceps. His muscles were smooth and hard…the muscles of an immortal werewolf. My lips ran along his broad shoulders, and I breathed in his fresh pine scent. His warm copper skin was flawless as it stretched across defined muscles. I ran my hands down his shoulder blades and felt his back muscles contract. He was the most beautiful man I had ever met.
"I love you," I heard him whisper in my ear as he laid a kiss just behind it.
"I love you, too, always."
"Kim, why did you tell your parents that you might not go to college? You didn't exactly say it in so many words, but I knew what you meant."
Not going to college was a decision that I'd given a lot of thought. It didn't mean that I didn't plan on getting a degree. If I chose not to attend USC or any other college, I was going to take online courses. The reality was that Jared was here in La Push and USC was twelve hundred miles away. I would be twenty hours away from Jared, but I could barely stand to live a few minutes away now. Jared had a duty to his pack and I couldn't ask him to compromise that.
I let out a deep sigh, feeling Jared shiver slightly as my breath washed over his bare skin. I could tell Jared anything, but…this was not something I was keen on sharing. I was a little sacred of what he'd say.
"Jared…your job as a protector is in La Push. The University of Southern California is twenty hours away. We would never see each other. Long distance relationships usually don't work out well for normal people and with the imprint it would just end up hurting us both." I placed my hand on his cheek and pushed his head up so that I could see his face. "I can't ask you to give up your responsibility to your pack."
"And I can't ask you to give up your chance at USC," he replied so fiercely that it sent a shiver down my spine. "It's not fair that you can sacrifice that for me but I can't do the same. Kim, you are so bright and talented—"
"I think you might be a bit biased," I interjected.
"So are you," he fired back just as quickly. "You said it yourself...you'll be unhappy if you don't get the chance to do what you love. I couldn't live with that, Kim. I exist to see you happy and healthy. I don't want anything else in life except for you to be completely and utterly happy."
"But what about you? You won't be happy if I leave. I know that it physically hurts you to be away from me…I feel it to, but I imagine it's only worse for you. Just knowing you would feel that everyday makes me miserable. It would be a bad decision for both of us," I said quietly.
I brought his head down so that our foreheads touched and looked into his eyes. He had to know that I was serious and meant every single word I said. As much as USC had been what I wanted for a long time, my needs had changed. I could be happy without it. I finally represented everything I wanted to be, and I'd be fine without the University of Southern California some thousand miles away.
"I'm not going to give up going college and becoming an English major. I plan on taking online courses. I can get a degree for teaching, too. Forks and La Push can always use teachers. I'm not giving up my dream, I'm just tweaking it a little to fit a few new ones," I told him gently, smiling.
Jared finally seemed to accept that this was truly what I wanted as his determined gaze fell away from mine for a brief moment. His arm slid underneath me and pressed against my back, pulling me closer like he always did. His other hand brushed my hair away from my face as he looked back at me.
"Fine…if this it what you really want then I'm more than okay with that. But…we are finding you the best courses offered online. I'm taking Ivy League if they offer them. And, well, you're not going to like this one…but I want to help you pay, too."
"Jared, I can't let yo—"
"Don't even try to argue," he said, silencing me. "I want to do this for you. I can't convince you to go to USC so just let me do this. Besides, I've been told I'm good at distractions."
I could feel his smirk against my neck as he lined it with kisses. His hands ghosted over my legs and hips while his lips worked magic. I tried to restrain a smile myself, but burst out laughing when his fingers trailed lightly over my sides.
"A little ticklish, are we?"
"N-N-No," I gasped out, chuckling as he continued brushing his hands over my sensitive skin. "S-Stop playing d-d-dirty. Y-Y-You kn-know that's not f-fair."
I smiled as I heard Jared's booming laugh. "I'm not playing dirty. I'm just using everything in my arsenal."
"I'll think about it," I gasped, referring to his earlier offer. I could hardly breathe from all the laughing after he had stopped his attack, but it was a good kind of ache that was left in my stomach.
"Good. I love you," he whispered, falling to his side of my bed.
"Love you, Jared. Goodnight." But as I turned to snuggle into his side, I realized that he was already out cold. Laying my head on his chest, I fell asleep quickly.
Ending A/N: I hope you guys enjoyed it if you're all still out there to read it *sheepish smile* and if you are I'd really like to hear from you. Kim goes through a big change here and I'd like to know if it seems in character and realistic (as always). Please just drop a review or PM me with any questions, comments, concerns or suggestions. Oh, and there's a new poll on my profile that I'd like you all to vote in so please do so :) It was Easter when I started all this so I'll still say it: Happy Easter everybody...hope you're having a great Spring Break!