Amelia Chapter Thirteen

Day: 33 Week: 04

If I had been alone before, that was nothing. I have never felt so completely alone in my entire life. I spent the whole day sobbing, crying, tearing up, and constantly being reminded about Harry. The guilt I felt took up permanent residence inside my heart and my mind, increasing the pain I felt. I wished it were a couple days ago, where I was under the illusion he was alive, despite everyone's behavior at the mention of him.

I didn't go to school. I didn't get out of bed. I didn't eat. My mother called, and so did my father. Niall, Liam, Zayn and Rory called, and then later came to check on me, but I didn't talk to them, or look at them. I didn't want anything to do with them. I wasn't mad at them. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear. I didn't care about anything. About anyone. Not even myself. I refused to eat or sleep, because every time I slept I had dreams of the car accident.

Day: 34 Week: 04

Liam would come in sometimes and try and talk to me, but I didn't listen. I didn't even hear him.

Day: 35 Week: 05

Everyone was worrying about me. I hadn't eaten in days.

Day: 36 Week: 05

I missed Harry. I missed things the way they used to be. I needed to be with him. I moved for the first time in days. My joints hurt. I tried to get out of bed, with immense pain but I managed. I walked, practically crawled to the bathroom, and grabbed some sleeping pills. A lot of sleeping pills.

There was a knock on my door. And another. And another. They grew louder, and more frequent. They came with screams, and yells: my name. It took me a while to realize the knocking was on my bathroom door, which I had locked.

Someone knocked the door down. Then the pills. He shook me.

"Amelia. Amelia what were you doing. Don't do this!"

It was Niall. At that point I started crying, and he let me cry on him. And then everything went black.

Day: 37 Week: 05

I woke up to a hospital room, with three people in my room: Niall, Rory, and my mother. There were tubes connecting me in seemingly everywhere, and the first thing I felt when I regained consciousness was the pain in my chest. It was a constant reminder of prior events.

"Mom?" I said, surprised she was there, and glad to see her. I vaguely thought that if she was here it wasn't good.

"Oh, Amelia, sweetie. How are you doing?" She asked, coming up to me and stroking my face with a look of relief and care.

"Why are you here?" I asked, choosing to ignore her question. It was obvious I wasn't okay, I wasn't going to bother with answering such obvious things.

"Zayn told me. I've been keeping in touch with him since the accident, and he called me a couple days ago and told me it was urgent. I grabbed whatever I could and hopped on a plane." She explained, that motherly look in her eyes.

"Zayn?" I said, confused as to why they would keep in contact, and not me.

"Well he called me the day of the crash, and I told him to keep me posted on your recovery. I was about to come here there myself, but he told me everything was fine and that you'd be okay. Right after you had gotten out of the hospital he called me and told me not to talk to you about what had happened—that you had seemed to have forgotten everything." My mother explained to me. Everything she was saying slowly sunk in my head and made sense.

"Amelia, as soon as you woke up you asked for Harry, and the nurses told you what had uh, happened," Niall cut in, filling in what my mom could not. I looked at him, his blue eyes tired and with bags. He must have been here a while. I wondered how long. "And you had a fit and a panic attack and lost consciousness. The next thing we know, you woke up and couldn't even remember the accident. Your brain completely blocked it out. And you kept asking about Harry again once we left the hospital, and knowing what it would do to you if we told you… We just couldn't say it. So we tried to keep you at bay until we had the courage to say it. We thought maybe if enough time passed you would remember. But you didn't. And you grew anxious. So Liam contracted Rory, who you know is a psychologist, to help us tell you, and tell us what was going on." I looked at Rory, who smiled weakly from his spot against the hospital wall. I focused on Niall once more, trying to digest everything he said. "Even before he met you he told us to go along with you a while, and we had to call everyone and make sure they were aware of your situation, and not to bring up his death at all."

I recalled the time when Zayn had received the phone call, mentioning that he couldn't bring himself to tell me.

"Was that what Zayn's call was about, that one time?" I asked, my voice shaking and cracking.

"He was on the phone with me." My mom replied, looking guilty for hiding this from me.

I stayed silent a moment, putting everything together. That's why everyone sounded awkward and dejected whenever I mentioned Harry. Because there was no Harry.

Niall then asked me if I was up for more company, because Zayn, Liam, and Ellen were outside waiting. I didn't reply, I just sort of shrug my shoulders, or tried to, but Niall received the message because all three of them left the room, my mom planting a kiss on my cheek before she left.

A few seconds later, Liam, Zayn and Ellen walked in. I looked at them sadly, almost ashamed to be where I was.

"I brought you something." Ellen said, coming up to my bed, holding something in her fist. "The nurses took it off of you because they were afraid you might use it to hurt yourself, but I convinced them to give it back."

Ellen opened her hand, revealing a lump of silver with a pattern of diamonds on top. I realized it was my heart shaped necklace. My eyes filled up with tears, remembering that very day when Harry bought it for me. It was the day we confessed our feelings for each other. With a trembling hand, I took it, grabbing hold of the cold metal and holding it in my hands.

"Thank you." I said, looking up to my best friend's eyes. It was all I could say at that point. It was a small gesture, but huge in meaning. It felt like I was holding a piece of Harry. It was proof that those two and a half years with him had truly happened, and it wasn't just a long happy dream.

I heard the door open, and someone poked their head inside.

"Can I have a minute alone with her?" Louis Tomlinson said. I never realized how much I missed the sound of his voice until he spoke.

"Sure." Liam said, turning toward me and planting a kiss on my forehead.

Zayn did the same, and all three of them left, leaving Louis and I alone. I wondered what he had to say to me, that couldn't be said with the rest of them there, but I kept my attention on him and my ears open, despite the nervous feeling I began to have.

Louis sat on the edge of my bed, on the space that was available. I felt the bed dip where he sat, and felt the warmth radiate off his body. He looked me straight in the eye, and that's when I noticed the eternal and permanent sadness etched across his features. He didn't look like the same Louis I knew.

"First of all, I'm sorry for not being there for you, through all of this." He said with his Doncaster accent. "I've uh. I've been really selfish. We've grown to be almost siblings, you and I. I know I would look out for you, and you'd look out for me, but I haven't been doing that lately, and I'm so sorry. The loss… it impacted me. I mean, it impacted everyone. But it hit me really hard. I've known him my whole life. Since I was four, and he was barely able to walk. But it hit you hard too, and instead of realizing that and trying to get through it together I distanced myself from everyone and tried to cope with it myself. The other boys, they knew what I was going through, so they left me alone. And they had their own ways of dealing too. But they were able to put their grief aside and help you. And I couldn't do that. The other day Liam called me, and told me what was going on with you, and told me to come and be there for you. I almost didn't come. I didn't know if I could face hearing about him, and what happened again. But Liam called me out on it, and so I came. And when you realized… and you broke down… It was so similar to what I had done that I couldn't stand it and I walked out on you. And I feel so sorry. I feel so sorry for letting you down, Amelia. You needed me. I needed you, we could have gotten over it so much quicker. But I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm ready to be here for you. I'm gonna be your big brother, and I'm going to look after you."

Louis spoke with such pain, and such intensity. As I processed everything he was saying I realized he wasn't the coward he was making himself out to be. He was brave, for having the strength to be here right now. My hand found his and I gave his a squeeze, as my way of telling him it was okay, that I forgave him, that it wasn't his fault. Through all my grief and pain that I had been through the last couple days, I never once stopped to think that the other boys were going through it too, each in their own way.

"He was a good kid. And I know he wouldn't want you to be here, grieving. He would want you to be outside, feeling the air and living. We were all such a mess afterwards." Louis continued, speaking less to me and more to himself. "Zayn began smoking just to keep himself normal. He stopped painting. Liam didn't talk to anyone for a few days, and I heard from Niall he put a couple holes in his walls and broke some furniture because he was in such pain. And Niall just cried. He would talk and suddenly something would remind him of everything and he would tear up and cry. And I shut everyone out. You decided to forget everything…" Louis said the last bit with a light, joking tone, which made me chuckle a bit. He was the first one to do that. I hadn't so much as chuckled in days.

"Remember when we switched the toothpaste in his apartment to that baby bum cream?" Louis said to me, nostalgically. I noticed he hadn't mentioned Harry's name yet. Perhaps it was too painful for him. "He was so angry, I remember he didn't understand why the toothpaste tasted different." He smirked, and I gave a small smile. "Remember when you were severely sick once he read you books to entertain you? And he brought you soup? I know because he told me."

I remembered that clearly. I had caught viral meningitis and stayed home taking antibiotics. Harry was the only one who would come near me.

"I remember when I straightened his hair, and he woke up and cried." Louis continued. "When he would sing so loudly in the shower we all had to cover our ears."

Louis continued this way for several more minutes, until he had nothing more to say, and left the room. I was glad to see him, but now that he was gone it was like he took all the happiness with him, and I was alone once more with only the constant and rhythmic beep of some hospital machine keeping me company. It was like a metronome, I thought, counting down the heart beats until one day my heart stops. The pain in my chest slowly made its return, and gradually I spiraled downward into sadness again, with no one to keep me up.

I missed Harry. Since I found out about his death, not even the hallucination would come and find me, and convince me everything was okay. I didn't have him anymore. I could only dream.

Without thinking, my hands automatically grabbed the tubes that led into my skin and I pulled, taking them out. I pulled out one, and as soon as I did that I felt a gradual but noticeable change in blood pressure and breathing. It was as if that tube kept me functioning somehow. A loud beeping noise was heard and I knew nurses were coming. I prayed death would get there before them. But it didn't.

I screamed when they came in, frustrated, and in pain. I wanted to be with Harry, why were they stopping me? One of the nurses injected something in my arm, and all was dark.

Day: 38 Week: 05

Niall came to my hospital room to announce to me that he had signed me up for therapy. He said I had much to live for and he didn't want to lose me too. He said none of them could deal with another loss. He said it was because he cared, because he wanted me to be truly happy, and recover from this in a healthy way.

I'd have to learn to live without Harry Styles, every minute of every day.

I didn't agree, but I had no choice.