Robin: Tactician, Gentleman, and Match Maker

by AsianTemptation

As a tactician, Robin is very observant and he sees that many of the Shepherds have feelings for one another. Unfortunately they never seem to have the courage to express said feelings and so our tactician sets out to aid his comrades on the battlefield that is war and the battlefield of romance. Rated M just in case.

14. Chapter 14

Robin: Tactician, Gentleman, and Match Maker

Chapter 14: Potions, Puberty, and Proposals

Robin had to admit that his departure from the match making business would definitely take the meaning out of life. All he'd be left with afterward would be his wife, his kids, and his friends. Maybe he could fake his own death and then start a new life in Valm as a soldier or something to restart his career as the love priest. Still he had some customers left and he wasn't out of the game yet. Although Robin had to admit that his latest attempt wasn't all too successful...

FLASHBACK

"Hey Robin I heard that those two we picked up in the ruins were both your kids! That and they have amnesia just like you, it's pretty funny how you were the one sent here to get Naga's tear huh?"

"Yeah it was extremely lucky wasn't it Ricken? I have to admit that seeing my kids was a very... refreshing experience especially since both are so eager to test themselves against me. Although I do need to think of a way to distinguish one from the other with a name change. Er anyway have you ever thought about what your kid will be like? Maybe they'll be short like their old man, or in your case young man."

Robin proceeded to push Ricken's hat over his head engulfing everything down to his chin.

"Hey knock that off Robin! I'm just as much a man as you or Chrom or, or ANY man in this army!"

Besides getting Shepherds together, Robin had to admit that teasing Ricken was one of his more favored hobbies on his very short list.

"Yes I'm well aware of that, but you haven't answered my question. Have you thought of maybe hopping on the bard wagon and marrying someone? Surely you must have grown close to a woman in the Shepherds by n-"

"Nope."

"...Really? No one? Not even someone like Miriel? You two do spend a large amount of time in each others company."

"Yes, but we just perform experiments together. I don't even think that someone like Miriel is interested in romance or marriage. Besides I have to focus more on restoring my family's honor by becoming a hero in this war. I'd rather come home with my head held high than with a wife and no accolades to prove I did anything in this war. Which reminds me, can you put me on the front lines more? I need to get in some experience and hopefully I can see how Chrom is so successful in combat as well."

Looks like Robin would have to do the same thing he tried to pull with Vaike and Tharja since Ricken seemed like he wasn't all too interested in romance. Or maybe he was younger than Robin predicted and hadn't gone through puberty or something. Well whatever, after all this time of match making Robin knew that all women were waiting to be shot with Robin's sticky love spell. Miriel must have some interest in romance and Ricken definitely seemed like one of her better candidates since he was a bit of an academic coupled with him being a fine mage.

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"So Miriel are you planning to attend the Shepherd's marriage celebration? Surely there is a chance that you might be coming as one of the married women correct?"

"You speak as if I have prospects to take part in a marital contract with a man so that I might attend this gathering, as you say, a 'married woman'. I assure you that I am unaware of any men who would try to approach me with such a proposal and I am unsure of any man I would acknowledge as my partner."

"Surely you know of someone that is interested in you and your... delightful research habits. I mean I've seen Lon'qu pull you from falling off a cliff once or twice. There has to someone right?"

"If I'm not mistaken Lon'qu has already entered a partnership with the crimson haired prodigy of the Pegasus knights who is close acquaintances with the pink haired klutz of the same unit. As for any other men who may be considered close to me, I can think of none. I only interact with King Chrom, Sir Frederick, Ricken, and you on occasion. All of you are already married and showed little interest in me beyond professional means."

"What about Ricken? He was in that mix and he isn't married. You guys do a lot of research together too so it could work out..."

"I'm afraid not as we are just doing joint research together. He has a wonderful ambition in the sciences and I couldn't ask for a better assistant in my experiments. If anything I'd like to keep it that way as would he from what I see."

"Sooo that's a no to Ricken?"

"Indeed. Besides I have more pressing matters to attend to. For instance I still haven't learned the fundamental differences between female and male buttocks."

"..."

FLASHBACK END

It was safe to say that Robin was going to be put to the test like he was with Cordelia and Lon'qu, but this was a whole different game. Neither seemed to have any interest in romance unlike Cordelia since all Robin had to do was redirect her feelings onto Lon'qu. Problem was that Robin hadn't anticipated Ricken not having grown fuzz in his pants or robes or whatever the hell he wore. Some might argue that it is unethical to try and force two people together who have no interest in each other and to that Robin said poppycock. Those same people might argue that it is 'unethical' that Robin still touches himself while thinking of his wife when he is sitting in the communal bath, but hey what man doesn't do that. Back to the point, Robin needed to find a way to get the spark between Ricken and Miriel going and he had a pretty good idea of how to do it...

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"Hey Tharja, long time no see huh?"

"Funny that you were looking for me because I was looking for you as well."

"Oh I assume it is because you needed something from me? How about we trade since I need something, you need something and this way we're even and we both benefit from this, unless you were going to kill me."

"What could you possibly want from me?"

Yes this was the first step in Robin's plan to get Ricken and Miriel hitched. He had no doubt that he had carefully analyzed the problem and found a solution that would work without fail...

"I need a potion that will make someone hit puberty."

"...what? Why does a man in his, what, early twenties need with a potion to make him hit puberty?"

"Will you do it if I can help you out? None of your questions either it might muff up my plans."

"Get me a strand of Vaike's hair. I was going to wait until I met back up with Gaius, but he was also the one that stole your hair for me..."

"Say what? I heard that you need the Vaike's hair, but I didn't get much after that."

"Remember you said no questions. Get the hair and I'll get you your potion for... yeah. I'll just see what I can do about it since I've never actually seen anything for this kind of thing."

"I can assume that we're both under the impression that no one is to know of our rendezvous, correct?"

"Agreed."

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Getting Vaike's hair was fairly easy as Robin just said that he'd use some sort of black magic that Validar had taught him to make Tharja like him. Vaike was on board with no questions asked after that and Robin figured it would be a good idea to have Vaike owe him a favor for later on. He quickly got the hair back to Tharja and she just said that she'd need a little time to synthesize the formula for blah, blah. Robin didn't give two Pegasus craps as long as the potion would get done and Ricken would finally look at Miriel's ass with lust in his eyes, his young, dim, uncomprehending eyes. Well if you could even see it under all of her robes and cloth...whatever. Robin didn't have time for this crap since everyone's uterus was quivering at the thought of this giant communal marriage and they were starting to put the pressure on him. Time was running out and these last few had to get it on before the gritty war with Valm was in full swing. When that went down Robin was pretty sure that there wouldn't be time for dicking around in match making, rather he'd be trying to constantly keep his comrades from being run down by the strongest cavalry in the world. In all honesty Robin hadn't realized until just now that the stakes with Valm were a bit higher than he'd registered. He absolutely needed to get those last few that he'd paired up in his head together and if he could he'd worry about Stahl and the others later.

Anyway Robin was spying on Miriel a little to try and find anything he could use to get her and Ricken on the fast track to put you knows into hoo has like the other Shepherds. Or like he thought the other Shepherds do or did... or are doing now. Now Robin was thinking about how he hadn't actually spoken to many of his old friends since they'd departed from Port Ferox. Robin was definitely going to set up a guys night or something when he got back-

"Hey father!"

"Hey father!"

"Wha-"

SMACK

Robin was perched next to the base of the bush where all of the thicker parts were clustered up and of course he would hit his head on a branch there. Coincidentally Miriel had wandered off while he was balls deep in thought which left him here with his two children who talked in perfect synchronization like out of some horror novel involving red rum.

"How the dickens did you see me here?"

"What do you mean you're laying next to a dying bush that is only near a rock the size of your head. I''m sure if you were dancing around naked it would've been better camouflage."

"Whoa I'll have you know that I am a tried and true master at hiding. Why your mother still hasn't realized that I have seen her bathing multiple ti- I mean. *ahem* What are you two doing here?"

"We need you to come over here for a minute father!"

"Yes come with us for a minute!"

"What for exactly?"

To this they both just looked at each other and giggled a bit like childish girls which alarmed Robin to a degree regarding male Morgan.

"Oh nothing. It's just...C'mon!"

"Yeah we to talk to you about something!"

"Uh right now? I'm a bit busy spying on uh I mean I'm hard at work gathering herbs and whatnot. Yes just looking very diligently for the rooticus bushialus. So yeah is it possible to do this some other time? Or here if possible?"

"H-here? Er that's not really..."

"We can wait, thanks though."

"You sure?"

"Heehee."

"Haha, We'll be, we'll be riiiight back."

Robin was a bit concerned since both seemed like they were hiding some sinister secret. Maybe they'd seen him spying on Miriel and were convinced that he wasn't recording observations of her in his book, but rather drawing obscene things. Or maybe Robins assumption about him sleep talking was right and they'd heard the commentary from one of his erotic dreams involving Maribelle, a pile of hay, a wooden practice sword, and a rooster. Or maybe they'd heard that really loud fart Robin let out while hiding near the bush. He was so sure that it would be quiet, but somehow it was friggin louder than the Vaike's belches. He barely escaped Miriel scanning the nearby area searching for what she thought at first was the elusive 'barking spider' that Stahl had told her in lieu of telling her that he farted once during dinner. Whatever the case, Robin's pride and life were at stake as Maribelle would tear off mini Robin if she found out that he was ever looking at a woman that wasn't her from under a bush and of course people would think he was an adulterous douche if they heard he was spying on other women.

"Alright father we're back!"

"Let's take a walk, shall we? Right this way."

"You two are acting very suspicious... hey is that a pitfall down the path there? Now that's a classic!"

"Dang! How did you know?"

"Darn! How did you know?"

"We were super careful in disguising it!"

"Yeah it didn't look suspicious at all!"

Robin had to admit that it was sheer luck as he was scanning the area meticulously to make sure that Maribelle wasn't lurking about in the shadows, waiting to maul him for looking at another woman. Of course they didn't need to know that...

"True, your work on the pit is first class. But your odd behavior made it obvious. Subterfuge and misdirection are half of any good trap, Morgan. Why I'd know because I'm so smart and my finding that trap was all skill. Yep no luck involved whatsoever."

"We'll get you next time won't we female Morgan?"

"Yeah don't worry dad we'll make you proud! By the way, as long as you're here, mind helping us fill this hole up? If someone fell in by accident they could really hurt themselves."

"Oh yeah I guess they might sprain and ankle or something...maybe even break it huh?"

"Wait, how deep did you make it?!"

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Night was coming quickly and Robin decided to call it quits for today since by the afternoon they'd be back with Chrom and the others. Of course Robin had no intention of getting an early rest since Tharja had been very eager to get that hair into whatever it was she was cooking up. It didn't take a genius to know that she was going to use it on Vaike and what better time than now. That and he just saw her leave her tent with a lot of her crafting items. If the past was any indicator then Vaike would eventually find his way to her with some food and they'd talk of this and that. Speak of the devil and he shall appear, Vaike was already on the move with the food. Robin needed to get into place as he wasn't missing this one like he did with Lissa and Freddy. He still cried himself to sleep some nights over that.

"One bat wing...A dash of pig tail...And then..."

"I hope that ain't dinner yer makin cause I already brought you somethin that actually looks like you can eat it. Bwa ha ha ha!...Er no, seriously. Whatcha up to?"

"I'm brewing a potion for a spell."

"Har! What is it? Fireballs? The Vaike loves fireballs!"

Yes well there were some rumors around camp that fireballs weren't the only kind of balls that the Vaike liked. Robin didn't really buy into it with all of the peeping on bathing women and Robins behind the scenes action.

"I'd rather not say."

"Why not? Ya gonna cast it on me? Bwa ha ha!"

"..."

"Hey wait! Ya ARE gonna cast it on me?! N-now look sister! Ol' Teach told ya he don't wanna be no toad!"

"It's not a toad, I promise...Ah, there we are. Done. All right Vaike, Drink."

"Heck no!"

"You need to trust me Vaike. This potion is special. It will allow me to capture your heart, just as you've captured mine. I don't think I could take rejection and I'm not exactly a social butterfly. Besides dark arts are all I know and I won't be able to win you over any other way..."

"Wait, it's a LOVE potion? Har har! I coulda saved ya the bat wings! Before you go pourin stuff down my throat, take a look at this."

"This looks like a ring."

"See? Ya don't need spells or magic or whatnot to get my heart. Ya already got it!"

"Very well. I accept your proposal. Now your mine forever and ever Vaike...unless of course you break my heart. Then you'll still be mine, but only after I bring your corpse back to life."

"Uh yeah that's swell so uh, maybe you'll pour out that potion there eh?"

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Robin wasn't sure how potions worked, but if they burned like hell when poured onto the head of a hidden onlooker then he assumed it would have burned when forced down the throat of an unsuspecting groom to be. Either way he had another entry and he could focus on the last three. Panne and Kellam. They were good friends as they had taken to drinking tea with each other after sparring and the fact that she had been opening up on the few times Robin had stayed to eavesdrop meant that they were doing fabulous. Olivia and Virion. They had a lot of 'private dance lessons' and Robin was extremely hesitant to stick around and listen to what may or may not be happening. Finally after sucking it up he realized that they were simply dancing together. Hell Virion showed his more noble side when he was willing to stand across the room to make Olivia feel more at ease with her crippling shyness and all. The only problem that comes to mind would be that Virion isn't looking for something serious where Olivia obviously is since Robin had heard as much from her. Luckily he had taken a nap in the storage tent and he awoke to Olivia talking to herself in a barrel, more specifically about how much she adored Virion and his beautiful hair. Robin knew first hand that having any aspect of himself being called beautiful was a direct blow to his man pride, but with Virion it wasn't much of a problem. Of course the big problem was Ricken and Miriel. Robin respected Miriel's determination about unraveling the mysteries of the universe, but leading a life solely based on research was a bit empty. As for Ricken, he didn't realize that Miriel was a bit of an accomplished academic and marrying her would boost the family name. That is if he only married her to increase his family's stock. Robin was shooting for the whole I love you sappy crap so that their marriage wouldn't explode all over Robin's face and he wouldn't feel like shit twenty years down the line when their kids will say "Oh woe is me, my parents don't love each other and it's all that limp dicked tacticians fault!"

Anyways Robin needed some sleep for now as he had to introduce the dynamic duo to dear old mum tomorrow.

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Robin didn't really know he could ride horses and yet here he was on the most intimidating looking horse he'd seen to date. That included Sully's horse too. Robin's horse had nothing but black hair covering it's body which was ominous enough as it was coupled with a strange black looking mist that floated off it's body. Safe to say that if Robin wasn't on it's back, he'd be staining his pants brown right now. Speaking of Sully's horse he could see it and Sully on the other side of a fairly long stone bridge. It only spanned 15 feet in width, but its length was enormous as it bridged the gap in a chasm that Robin was beginning to recognize as the canyon in Ylisse more specifically, the one that was on a direct route to Plegia. He'd crossed this chasm during the two years peace time as it was one way to reach some of Ylisse's towns toward the border and its depth was enough to deter any who had even a slight fear of heights. Robin could see Castle Ylisse in the distance and what appeared to be the same group of people that fled the fort where Gregor, Virion, and Vaike were. Then there was Sully standing at the other side of the bridge in what appeared would be a joust straight from a fantasy novel. Robin was sure that he was going to die as he didn't wield a spear and the lance he found in his hands looked like none other than the legendary Gae Bolg he had read about. Although it probably made him look like a badass times ten, he was a sword and tome man through and through. Sully had trained with the lance since her days as a cavalier in the beginning so she definitely had the advantage. Regardless Sully looked pissed off and ready to go.

"Where is my husband!"

Now that Robin got a good look at Sully with his hardcore vision he could see that she had aged a bit and her hair had grown a bit to where she resembled a woman more. Her original shaggy red hair was now in a ponytail that appeared shoulder length when it bounced around after her yelling and the front was a bit longer and brushed to the side much like Cherche or Maribelle.

"Why ask questions we know the answer to dear? Well maybe we can sit down and chat about it over some Elderberry tea like my late wife would have enjoyed hm?"

"I'm no idiot like the others. I had you pegged for Maribelle's killer the moment you dragged your sorry ass into castle Ylisse with Brady and Morgan. You killed Chrom at the table and you're in cahoots with Grima you two timing son of a bitch!"

"I must say that I've always seen you as the brawn not the brains, but you've definitely taken some steps to improve your intellect over the years. Very well, I killed Chrom and your husband along with the other 'mysterious deaths' too."

"You don't mean...Donnie...and Cherche too? You are one twisted bastard, you're the one that supposedly saved Gerome! Damn it I tried telling Sumia that wasn't Risen who sliced those two up and with you disappearing 'mysteriously' it never did add up!"

"Yes and all the while Gerome has the utmost respect for me and the other children idolize me as the man who saved you all during the Plegian and Valmese wars. I can see how they respect me just as you all do for what I did as tactician and Grandmaster. It's almost disgusting how they think they know me just because their parents tell them of my accomplishments. Although there was always one that never seemed to care too much. Little Kjelle's mommy tried to point her in the other direction of the Grandmaster although she never told her why. No matter she doesn't suspect a thing about me since you failed to plant the seeds of doubt in her heart. She won't know that I killed her mother and father."

"You killed my King. You killed my friends. You killed my husband, that sad sack of aging horse dung and the only man I've ever loved. Now I'll kill you just as it should be!"

Now Sully and her horse who only looked angrier when Vaike and Robin had been caught peeking were charging across the lengthy bridge to impale Robin. Obviously this was one of 'those' dreams and the fact that Robin never used a lance didn't matter anymore as he could do everything and more in these dreams. He too was charging full speed to meet Sully and he felt one pass was all that would be needed in this joust...

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"Ew he's all sweaty."

"Maybe he was dreaming of mother?"

"Ewwww!"

"Ewwww!"

Robin awoke in a parallel dimension where two versions of him with different colored hair were about an inch from his face. After screaming very thoroughly, Robin realized that he was in his tent with his two children waiting for him to wake up.

"Why are you here so early? It isn't even close to time for the muster! Hell the sun is hours from rising!"

"We are just so excited to meet mother and we couldn't sleep! I can't even remember her so I'm super dooper excited!"

"Yeah I remember her, but not too well so I'd like to catch up and since we're from the future maybe we can pull a prank on her and make her think that we're younger versions of you two from the past or something!"

"Ooooh that would be funny!"

Through Robin's experience he learned that while Maribelle was working on her sense of humor, it was somewhat limited so her grasp on what was a jape was very bad.

"How about we save the jokes until you've formally introduced yourselves alright? No funny business or pitfalls until she knows you okay?"

"Alright."

"Fine."

"...so can I go back to sleep now? I'm pretty beat from yesterdays...shenanigans."

"Sure."

"No problem here."

"...let me rephrase that. I can't sleep knowing that you two are watching me so go to your tent. Please?"

"Oh I get it male Morgan."

"Me too he wants to get back to 'Late night lovin with Mom' huh"

"OUT!"

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Robin had to admit that the kids were a handful, but he enjoyed having them around since they did add a spice to his life that he had been lacking before. While plenty of odd things came his way especially with the match making business, these two seemed to create all kinds of whacky situations with their air headed optimism. It was pretty funny and it provided comic relief which was actually something this army needed. With them around maybe the others would relax a bit and the gloom of the upcoming full scale war might be eased a bit. Strategically they were a nice addition as magic users were a big welcome and there weren't too many sword users so that was good. Though Robin wasn't so keen on having his progeny fight in this war since it was bad enough his wife could end up dead every day, but now his kid's lives were on the line.

Well small goose steps at a time. Maribelle was going to meet the two lovely and overly cheerful kids. Then Robin needed to find Lucina as these two didn't match what she had said about the future children. He hadn't forgotten about her saying that Brady was their only son, but more importantly he hadn't forgotten her strange behavior when he had asked about his kids. If they were from a different future or something to that effect was undetermined, but still Lucina had something that she needed to confess to Robin. At the time he was too excited to really be bothered with her behavior, but now he needed to readdress this.