* * Chapter 14: this is gospel * *

Caroline

There comes a time in your life where you have to reflect. No way around it. Did your choices negatively impact the lives of others? Can you do anything about that? Did your choices repeatedly impact your own life in a negative way? Why didn't you change that? Did the fact that you lied when you were seventeen have anything to do with it?

When I was in my final year of high school, many things kept me down. I had been trying to repress lots of stuff, mostly because I felt incapable of dealing with it. My parent's divorce, my failed relation- and friendships, my mistakes and the resulting shame. An entire year of my life, I spent thinking and thinking where I went wrong, then stopped because waves of anxiety would hit me and screech that I'd never manage anything at all.

When there's a full grown werewolf on top of or, as the case were, next to you, you kind of flash back to those moments. You wonder, "Hey, Caroline. If you stopped dealing with your problems by pretending it's mature to ignore them, then maybe you'd know what was up," or "Well, Forbes, aren't you glad you respected his boundaries and didn't dig for more information when you felt something was wrong with him?" or "Great how you learnt from your past mistakes, like not repressing stuff or depending on meds when you actually could deal with your problems," or "HELP HELP HELP WEREWOLF HELP HELP!"

I would have liked to pretend that I was safe with him, that I was special to him, that he wouldn't hurt me, but no matter how safe you are with someone, it's a problem if the only reason you aren't dead is because they decided so. I wasn't dead because Klaus decided he didn't feel the need to bite my head off. Not because I had the ability to defend myself. My training with Bonnie helped me with witches. Not with werewolves who currently wanted to cuddle but could decide that licking my face was getting boring and slaughtering me might be the next step.

It wasn't that I actually expected Klaus to do that. I knew him. I didn't expect my mom to shoot me, either, and she certainly had the ability to do that. I didn't want Klaus to expect me to betray them, even though I could. But there was the problem: When I was afraid, I couldn't will myself to trust in things outside of my control. It was why Klaus and I got along so well. We were the same.

He had been afraid because he thought I would leave. It wasn't about me actually leaving. It was me having the ability to. I was afraid because he was more powerful than me. He wouldn't use that power against me. I knew that. Everything he did was proof that he would never. And still. A gnawing feeling in my stomach.

I petted the wolf beside me. I could hear Kol throwing the the door shut. He was outside to find Elijah, I guessed. "Do you think when you decide to let go of something, it's possible?" I asked Klaus. He sat up and looked down at me.

"When I first made pancakes, they turned out like rubber because I tried to put in less butter and more other crap. Next time, I did the same. It made me furious. Why wouldn't those pancakes turn out the way I wanted without the extra calories? But you gotta learn at some point, right?" The wolf stared at me with predatory focus.

"You're not telling me everything. I never wanted you to. I wanted to have a relatively white vest, my morals intact, my conscience quiet. I didn't want you to tell me where Bill is. I didn't want to think about what he did to his daughter. I didn't want you to tell me everything you knew about how I became a vampire and I didn't want you to ask me what I knew. Well, surprise. I know what happened. The memory came back." He tensed. "I didn't want you to tell me what's happening between the two of us. I didn't want you to tell me things, to take the Compulsion away, to tell me I should meet my mom. I was grateful Tyler never told me he was in love with me." I took a shuddering breath. Kol had found both Elijah and Rebekah outside; they were coming up. I quickly got the words out before my courage left me. "This ends. I can't keep making rubber pancakes."

The wolf that was Klaus slowly put his head down beside mine and licked my face. It spoke of my vanity that I had another moment to worry about my make-up. The next second, three Original siblings stepped through the door, and suddenly, Klaus was human again.

Klaus

Klaus fought the need to grin and howl in victory when he looked at Caroline and saw her blushing. His observation was interrupted by Rebekah. "For God's sake, Nik, put something on!" He took a blanket, covering himself. Caroline got up and walked over to her window, leaning against the sill. He took a deep breath, disappointed that he couldn't smell her as well as he could when he was in wolf form. On the plus side, he could finally think clearly again, and not through the mist of prehistoric instincts. He needed his siblings out of the Mansion. What Caroline had said was every permission he'd craved. Inside of him, the wolf lay peaceful and satisfied.

"As you can see, I'm not a wolf anymore. You may leave," he told them. Elijah raised an eyebrow. Rebekah huffed. "Yes, exactly. We'll leave you alone with Caroline, after you just-" He blocked her tirade out. He'd noticed something important: Caroline's surprise. She hadn't expected Rebekah to care about her safety and well-being. Once everything was handled, they'd have to talk about that. Caroline seemed to expect very little from people. He focussed on what his sister was saying again and regretted it instantly. ".. Not to forget that you were just down with insanity!"

"Sister, as you can see, I'm in full possession of my sanity, body, and impatience again. If you were so kind as to remove yourself from this room so Caroline and I could have a discussion?" Kol laughed, and Rebekah whirled around to pin him with a stare Klaus knew very well.

Caroline shifted. Her voice was soft. "I'm fine, Rebekah. I asked that you come because I didn't know how to get Klaus back to, you know, normal-ish." He ignored Kol's cackle. Yes, yes, Caroline thought that the best they could achieve with him was a subform of normalcy. Kol wasn't in a position to talk. "But he is. And we really do need to talk."

Elijah spoke up for the first time. "We will need to talk about what triggered it, brother." He took Rebekah and added, "Later," while dragging both her and Kol out. Klaus could hear them walking out of the house. Elijah had given them some privacy.

He turned to Caroline, but before he could speak, she threw his trousers at him and turned her back to him. He grinned and put them on.

Caroline

I stared out, seeing the Mikaelsons taking off. I had no idea where they were going. What did they do in their free time/the time they weren't trying to find doppelgängers? Kol had told me about some shows he'd been watching. Rebekah and Elijah always seemed non-chalant but busy, yet I was unable to figure out what they were doing. I wished for Sherlockian abilities to see a stray hair and realise that they were secretly training an army of bunnies.

"Why did you change?" I asked Klaus, still facing the window.

"Emotional imbalance. I hadn't changed for too long. You can turn around now." I did, and there he stood, fully clothes and with a sparkle in his eyes that made me reconsider sending his siblings away.

"Cards on the table?" I couldn't read his expression, and it made me pause. But I nodded.

"Then follow me." He offered me his hand and I took it. He led me to the study and let go of my hand, searching for books while I sat down. After a minute, he nodded to himself and sat himself next to me, putting the books down by our feet. He seemed.. better than he had for the longest time. Undistracted, unanxious. "You're different." I told him. He nodded. Something clicked inside of my brain. I hadn't asked, and he wanted to make sure to tell me only what I truly wanted to know. Silly, perfect hybrid.

"I'll start," I told him. He nodded again. "Here's what I've remembered, figured out, whatever. Interrupt me whenever you know better." I didn't wait for his nod.

"We met in Chicaco. I was still a human. You compelled me to forget. You were funny. I thought so whenever we stumbled upon each other. The guy who turned me had seen the two of us and thought he could use me against you. You ripped him apart, but your eyes were wolf. I think it was your wolf. I also think it's related to that thing between us.

When we met some of the witches before we flew here, they gave me some reading material. Tyler told me some stuff. If what we are is what all those signs suggest, then that's really scary. Because where is our free will? We're just magically bound to another? I'm your newborn luggage?"

Klaus eyes were guarded, but when I finished, he shook his head. "No. Hypothetically speaking, the creation of the mate bond was a reward. A werewolf pack saved some witches, and they gifted every wolf with the ability to find their soulmates. They didn't create that bond, they manifested it, created a more palpable version."

Great.

"So your own romantic compass?"

"No. Soulmates are soulmates. Friends, siblings, lovers. It can be romantic. A mating bond means that's the person who is most likely to understand you. For most people, that leads to romance." Better and better.

"And again, hypothetically speaking, if we had that connection, not only can you reject the bond, but if you were my mate, then you wouldn't be newborn luggage."

I sighed, and leaned back. "You know if there was a really serious sounding Latin word for soulmate.. No, even then. It's corny. Let's put this on hold for now. Bill?"

"Is protecting your mother."

"Why?"

"He made you feel torn." And so, Klaus had removed him from the picture for me, and made him my mom's own security detail. I knew he had someone compell her. Now I knew who it was.

"Don't do something like that again. It makes me feel guilty." He nodded. There he was, centuries old, probably been through the roughest stuff, but sometimes it felt like explaining to a kid that you didn't hurt the other children. Had he forgotten what it was to be human? Or were his priorities so skewed that my feeling a little uncomfortable automatically equaled removing whatever caused it from the picture?

"You've been feeling worse ever since we met, right?" He hesitated. Answer enough. "Because of the bond? It's ritualistic magic, right?" That meant we needed to either accept or refuse the bond and the build up would evaporate or be a power boost. Bonnie would be proud of me for remembering. Ritualistic magic was magic any race could perform. It was why many religions still included prayer. Every being had energy.

I laughed. "Here it is, the whole truth I've been avoiding for weeks. I have the privilege of knowing who my soulmate is, I guilttripped Bill away, and you were feeling like crap because I didn't want to face reality. I'm a real prize. Did you know I had one of my closest friends fry my brain repeatedly so I could feel less helpless? I'm sure it made her feel really amazing. And let's not forget my befriending the doppelgänger to get her blood." I shook my head. "Amazing. You know what I told Elena the other day? She asked me how I could be loyal to you. Not because she judged me, but because she wanted to know my reasons." I probably had to do with Damon. There was a difference between him and the Originals, but still. "I told her, no kidding, that we have it easy and that you shouldn't judge people by what they are in the dark." I threw my hands up. "The sun's up. I guess I'm out of excuses."

Klaus leaned forward. His thump wiped away a tear and I realised I was crying. My pity party, honorary guest: Niklaus Mikaelson. Awesome. I dropped my gaze and stared at his shoulders. They were nice shoulders, too.

"You are not a bad person. Feeling down and helpless, not wanting to handle things you fear might break you, trying to avoid things that make you feel anxious.. Those things don't make you a bad person. Because now you are facing them."

"Yeah, a day too late and a penny short."

"I have all the pennies you need, and it's not too late."

"The upsides of hypothetically having a loaded mate?"

"Yes."

I looked up at him again. The books that lay at our feet were probably full of research. He'd thought I needed proof. "I can feel you. Inside of my chest, there's a feeling. That's you." His eyes were wide. "I don't want to leave. I want to go with you. I want to tell my mom that everything's okay in person, not just by calling her and relying on Bill's compulsion. But we have issues. You're paranoid. I'm paranoid. We both have control- and trust-issues. You had a few centuries to really cultivate them."

"You make it sound like I sat down and thought about how to best become the most paranoid person on this planet." I shrugged. Who knew, maybe that was what Originals did in their free time, after all. "You're avoiding my unasked question." Which was bad form, and he knew it.

"I thought you heard my unsaid reply. It was, 'Who cares?' Who doesn't have issues? We're more or less immortal. We can Compel ourselves a shrink, if need be."

"Yes. Klaus Mikaelson, Original hybrid, laying on a sofa, talking about problems.. That's totally gonna happen." Before I could say more, he leaned forward and held my gaze. "Yes, it's going to happen if it must. The upside of being older than dirt is that you learn how to prioritize. If having you in my life comes with the unbearable cost of working out my troubles, then I will gladly do so. And before you speculate, yes, you are worth that. Your issues aren't hurdles I need to jump over, dove, and mine aren't worth losing you. The only things standing in the way are you, I, and my blasted parents."

But this time, I didn't let him say anything more. Closing the last few inches between our bodies, I kissed him.

* * Notes * *

Oh, Caroline.

I honestly felt so bad having her think that badly of herself, but she's the kind of person to be hard on herself, I guess. If anyone here ever thinks there are things -like love- they have to "earn," I hope you have people in your life telling you that you're worth everything.

On another note: I just wrote a full chapter of Caroline working for a supernatural Council as a mediator and fighting with Klaus, who refuses to work with anyone but her, because he's got a huge crush on her and the Council has to agree, because he is the representative of a hybrid pack they work with. It was hilarious. She didn't flick his nose with her files, though, and I regret that. But she thought it wasn't diplomatic. I wish it was a fanfiction-able story, but it feels like way too much worldbuilding to actually post it. :/

I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Let me know if things didn't work out or if there were things you really liked or disliked! Also tell me where to acquire a beta reader? ;D In an act of grace and elegance, I managed to further cut myself. This is the moment where people should applaud me.