High above the leafless trees, blackbirds circle Central Park, casting their shadows on a couple sitting on a bench.
She is quiet and sad. They don't come out here together very often anymore. There aren't many good times between them. But she does remember walking on his arm through the green grass of spring. It was an indulgence happily granted and taken for granted when their relationship was young and they could still see the Trade Center through the tops of the trees.
It would have been easier not to love him. She loves him now, even the slight strands of gray that dot his dark hair.
He takes her hand in his own and runs his fingers across her cold palm.
"I think this is what we need to do. I just never thought, you know, that we would..."
Olivia listens as he trails off. There's so much between his hesitant words. His brow furrows in thought. She moves closer and rests her head on his shoulder. Some kids are playing on the swings nearby and their laughter punctuates the air. Elliot wraps an arm around her.
"What did Cragen say?" she asks.
Elliot sighs and stares at the slate colored sky. The lines and creases around his eyes deepen. She wonders how she must look.
"He said he understood," Elliot says, still looking up into the bare branches of an old walnut tree. Olivia just nods and feels his arms tighten around her. "I told him we had to get away for awhile. They'll bring some detectives in from one of the boroughs to cover for all of us."
The tears begin to form again in Elliot's steely eyes. Olivia can do nothing but stroke his arm. His mood had swung from sorrow to violence in the past few days. Hers stayed steady at numb and glacial. Noises and colors seemed muted. Everything seemed to fade down to the lightest pastel.
She can't think about that day. It just wouldn't come in clear. Random thoughts and sounds were all she could recall. The crackling radios. Sirens fading in the distance. The coppery smell of blood. Elliot's arms smeared with it. Casey standing dumbstruck in the precinct when the news came. Fin's badge hitting the captain's desk with a clunk and his footsteps retreating down the corridor.
"Liv?"
She wipes her eyes and stares in his direction. "You were going away again on me," he says patiently, his own eyes bloodshot.
"Sorry," she says. The children have all gone and their part of the park is quiet. The autumn smell of burning leaves fills the air. Elliot is staring at the ground where their feet have kicked grooves in the sand.
"I think I might quit," he says. She knows he doesn't mean it. They both know the terrible truth, that the loss of a human life is just a small raindrop in large bucket. It is futility that old cops battle, not criminals.
She shakes her head, willing herself not to cry. Elliot is quiet. He hasn't shaved since the previous morning. "I want to leave New York," she frowns.
"Not forever," Elliot says. She shakes her head no, too troubled to speak. "I can't lose you, you know?"
Their eyes meet. She flashes back to the months-ago time they sat on a hospital couch and he said the same thing. For various reasons, she didn't believe him. Now she does. It's just terrible that this moment is lost in her broken heart.
"I'm going to drive to Maine tonight," Olivia says, never breaking eye contact. "I want you to come with me."
"This is never going to heal is it? I heard him get hit. I heard the air leave his lungs," Elliot says, standing up. "All I could do is return fire."
He's getting agitated again. Elliot faces away from her, shaking, his hands balled into fists. "They told me he was dead in a minute. Never knew what hit him. His eyes were glassy. Liv, he was so alive one minute, then I'm at his funeral two days later. I can't reconcile that."
Olivia approaches him and lays a hand on his back. Elliot turns and embraces her, crying out of frustration. They know they could lose each other the same way, which is why things will have to change between them soon.
"I don't really want to go to Maine," Olivia whispers. She feels him shake his head. "Stay with me tonight. I get so...cold..."
The first flakes of snow are falling. They both look up at the sky.
The blackbirds still circle overhead as they walk away, hand in hand.