Alright, I know I said I'd stop updating for the day after the last one, but to make amends for keeping you waiting for so long and to even out the amount of chapters over here- you get yet another one! So yeah, five chapters in one day! =)
Thanks so much for the lovely reviews I got so far! I really appreciate all the support!
Edward
Slowly, I raised my head and looked up to where Bella was standing in the doorway of her apartment, her cheeks were flushed probably due to the cold air outside In one of her hands she held a carry-all bag, whereas the other one was balled tightly into a fist. I could tell by the scowl on her face that she was pretty angry to find me sitting here, but as soon as our eyes met, her gaze changed from anger to one of sadness.
We just stared at each other. There were so many things I wanted to say and ask her; I wanted to confront her and yell at her for keeping this from me, for leaving me with nothing while she took half of me with her when she left.
But I just couldn't find my voice.
I wanted to smash my fist against solid surfaces as an outlet for all my anger; I wanted to grab her and hold her close to me and just cry.
But I simply couldn't move and risk loosing the feeling of this little, precious body in my arms. I needed to hold on to her to keep me sane and to hold me together. I just couldn't let go of her yet, not so soon.
I don't know what it was- the sight of my bloodshot eyes due to my crying, or if she could see and understand that I couldn't stand it if she would take the little one away from me. Again. Whatever it was, she sighed resignedly and for a split second, it looked as if she was about to step over to me, but with the blink of an eye, the moment was gone and so was the hint of sadness in her eyes; her demeanor changed and she was back to being angry. She stomped over to Rosalie, who stood near the hallway Josie emerged from only minutes ago and bit the inside of her cheek again, grabbed her by the arm and dragged her over to the kitchenette at the far end of the room.
"You bettahw now?", Josie murmured against my shoulder, effectively bringing all my attention back to her.
"A little bit", I admitted with a sigh; turning my head to the other side, I noticed a purple Hello Kitty blanket next to me on the couch. "Is that yours, Josie?", I asked while reaching out for the soft fabric. She turned her head to the side to take a look at what I was talking about and then looked back up to me, nodding her head eagerly "Uh-huh".
"Do you like that?", I asked her while pointing at the face of the cat that was displayed at the blanket's center. Again, I received enthusiastic head-nodding. "Yes!", she answered with a smile. I saved that little bit of information to my memory. Christmas was just around the corner after all... "I have lots of that in my woom! And lots of bunnies, too!", her face lit up even more as she continued to talk. My interest was instantly piqued.
"In your room?..Would you...can I see it?", my voice was shaky as the words left my mouth. Josie clapped her hands once gleefully and I took that as a yes; raising from my seat on the couch, I carried her while she directed me over to where her room was.
I was immediately greeted by bright colors as I stepped in to the room: the wall on to my right was painted in in a rose-violet color with little sunny-yellow bunny-shaped outlines on it, whereas the opposite side was painted in sunny-yellow but with the outlines of rose-violet butterflies on it; except for the wooden rocking chair that was placed in the far left corner next to the window, all the shelves, the bed and closet were colored white.
As my eyes roamed around her room, my eyes fell upon something on top of her closet that hurtfully reawakened the pain that had slightly subsided ever since I held the precious little girl in my arms: Bella's pregnancy belly plaster cast.
The whole cast actually displayed Bella's complete torso and resembled a long, female v-neck tank top, as it reached from under her belly all the way up and over her shoulders. The whole thing had been painted in turquoise and had the words 'Baby Girl Swan ~ 9 months ~ ' written around the womb in yellow, and some magenta-colored flowers and hearts in the middle of it.
The chains wrapped around my heart tightened and squeezed once again, and I had to bite down on my lip as to not sob or cry out.
"That's me!", Josie stated excitedly as she pointed at the cast, apparently she had followed my line of sight. I walked over to the closet," I know, baby", my eyes never leaving the cast.
"Ungh...but I'm bunny- not baby!", she countered with a frown.
I couldn't help but chuckle and then tease her a bit, "But look, here it says...", I raised one hand and pointed along the letters above the belly," Baby...Girl...Swan!..It doesn't say Bunny Swan...hmm...I guess I can call you Baby, then..."
"Weally?", she asked skeptically while scrunching up her cute little nose.
"Uh-huh"
She frowned some more, but then placed both her palms on my cheeks and squeezed them together some, "But,..I like Bunny..", she pouted while giving me her best sad puppy look. That little imp knew exactly what she was doing- that face was dangerous...I almost caved. Almost...
"Me, too, but I like calling you Baby, also ! Can I call you both?", I stuck my own bottom lip out a bit in an attempt to copy her pout. She padded it with her index finger and agreed. I kissed her on the cheek once and was about to walk over to the shelves to take a look at her books and the picture frames, but she started to wiggle around in my arms.
"What are you doing? You ok?", I asked her with amusement.
"Gotta pee!", she replied bashfully.
"Oh. ok...um...can you do that alone or do you need help?"
"I can do it!", she answered and moved her eyes up as if she was about to roll them, but without actually rolling them. I chuckled again, gave her another kiss on the cheek, then placed her on the ground and let go of her "I'm waiting here for you"
She hurried out of the room and I missed her instantly.
Sighing, I took off my coat and scarf I was still wearing, draped both items over the rocking chairs' head rest and then went over to the shelves. My eyes roamed over all her different toys, books, dolls and stuffed animals, her DVD's and CD's, stuffed animals and painting books.
But then I took in the picture frames and the smile left my face immediately. As I studied them, one after the other, the fact that I missed out on so much was slammed back at me like a punch in the face.
Out of all the frames, one in particular stood out, though. I felt my eyes well up with tears again as soon as my eyes settled on it. It was a silver panorama frame with five different, yet identical pictures in it: Bella herself was in the middle, to her left was one of Chief Swan and then another one of a dark-haired women I didn't recognize, whereas to her left was one of an unfamiliar couple and then, the last one, of a grown up Jacob; they all held a little bundle wrapped in a rosy blanket in their arms. My eyes dropped lower to the bottom of the frame where someone had written the date December 10th 2005 on it with a golden pen.
It was a birth date.
Josie's birth date.
She was turning five in a few days.
I had missed five years of her life.
And there was no way for me to get them back.
Ever.
The realization crippled me, made my knees go weak and I quickly sat down in the rocking chair before they'd give out. Sobbing and crying, I buried my tear stained face in my hands.
Until little fingers pried them away and I came face to face with my green-eyed little angel again. "Why you cwying again?", she asked with sad eyes while still holding on to my hands.
I picked her up and brought her close to me once again; she straddled my lap and I cupped her little face in my hands. "I'm sorry, baby...it just...it hurts so much..."
Her eyes widened a bit, "You have an ouchie?", she asked as she quickly checked my face and hands for any injuries. I could only nod sadly at her.
"Wheahw?"
How do you explain something like that to a little child?
I tapped the place where my heart sat with my index finger and watched as her eyes widened even more as she followed the movement with them. "Oooooh, that's a bad one!", she stated worriedly before biting down on her lip.
"Yes it is,...but you make it all better...you're the only one who can make it better right now, baby girl", I explained as a new wave of moisture found its way down my face.
She placed her hand over my heart and rubbed the spot carefully, "That's what mommy always says when she has them!"
"Mommy has them, too?", I asked with a croaky voice while wiping my tears away with one hand , and stroking her cheek with the other.
She nodded, "Hmm...she cwies a lot then, too...but mommy and I have a twick that makes evewy ouchie bettahw fast...wanna see?"
It was my turn to nod, and then I watched her lean forward and place a kiss on the fabric of my sweater, over the place where my heart was.
It was in that moment, caused by the innocent yet endearing gesture of this precious little creature, that I felt how some of the shattered pieces of my broken heart were slowly put together again. The pain I felt there still was agonizingly, yet the hole in my chest felt not quite as big as before.
Wrapping my arms around her, I pulled Josie even closer to me, her head resting against my chest while I stroked the soft tresses she called hair. " Thank you, baby girl – that was exactly what I needed...can I keep you here with me a little longer..until it all goes away?"
She nodded her head while snuggling closer into my chest. I placed a lingering kiss on the top of her head before starting to rock us back and forth in the chair lazily; listening to her breathing and bathing in her warmth.
My sanctuary.
She fell asleep some time later with her hand still resting over my heart. I pulled my coat from the headrest of the chair behind me and covered her body with it, before eventually falling asleep myself.
Half of my heart safely wrapped in my arms.
Bella
"What the heck is going on in here?", I hissed at nobody in particular.
I was petrified.
Frozen into place.
I was pissed.
Ready to lash out.
But then he looked up and it broke my heart. His eyes were bloodshot as he held on to Josie for dear life; there was just so much sadness around him- he appeared downright lost and forlorn.
Seeing him like this, holding my-our- daughter in his arms, caused all the guilt I felt for keeping her from him to hit me like a wave, threatening to almost drown me with its force. The question I have asked myself so often for the last years, whether I had made the right decision to not tell him about her, was answered in that exact moment.
I had been wrong.
In a moment of remorse and weakness, all I wanted to do was reach out and pull him into my arms to console him. It pained me to see him so broken, and, if it wasn't for the fact that I suddenly realized that Edward, the one person that had broken and betrayed me so long ago, was the one sitting in my apartment, I'd probably just done that.
I did, however, realize that it was him and the moment of weakness passed quickly again. What the fuck was he doing here? How the hell did he get in here...
Rosalie.
Insidious Bitch!
Furious, I stomped over to where Rosalie was standing, grabbed her arm and dragged her with me over to the kitchen area. "So much for you not being a snitch, huh? So much for you being trustworthy, huh? I can't believe I fell for your little show! Well, you just can't trust a Cullen- no matter if the name comes with birth or marriage, huh?", I whisper-yelled angrily at her while poking her repeatedly in the shoulder with my finger.
I would have loved to punch the living shit out of her perfect face- and then his as well since that one was long overdue- but I couldn't. At least not as long as my daughter was around.
I swear, only the Cullen's could evoke this violent side of me!
"Bella, I swear I have nothing to do with this! I didn't even want to let him in but he just walked past by me! You've got to believe me! I would never do something like that, betray somebody's trust like that! I swear...please..!", she whispered agitatedly back at me.
"Save that shit for somebody who cares! Why does your damned family think they could do whatever the fuck they want and get away with it? If you think that I wouldn't go through with what I said yesterday about the tapes and mics- you sure as hell underestimate me! You try and take my daughter away from me and I will make sure that none of you will see the light of day anytime soon again!", I spat out, trying hard not to raise my voice above a whisper.
"Listen to me!", she demanded and held on to my wrists to keep my arms down and prevent them from being all over the place since I moved them around agitatedly, " A few minutes before you returned someone knocked at your door so I opened it- and yeah, that someone was Edward- he wanted to talk to you but, I told him you weren't at home and that he'd better come back some other time. He just wouldn't listen to me, though, and simply walked in! No sooner was he in the apartment, Josie came out of her room and then...I don't know they just...clicked? He had her in his arms ever since... What was I supposed to do- snatch her away from him and hide?", Rosalie countered upset as well. For a moment we just glared at each other, but then her demeanor changed back to being sad and troubled. "Lock at them, Bella...lock at him...how could I have done that to him?"
My head turned to the side, back in the direction of the living area of the room, just in time to see Edward raise from the couch and carry Josie down the hallway; both of them smiling.
I automatically went to follow them but Rosalie held me back. "Please, Bella, don't take that away from him...he already missed out on so much and-", she cut herself off.
"I know that, ok!", I hissed at her again, "Don't think I never thought about telling him...I just...I just couldn't...Don't you dare and judge me after everything I've been through! They almost destroyed me and the only thing good that came out of this whole fucked-up disaster is my little girl! And I couldn't...I couldn't let them take her...away from..me...I..just..c-couldn't...I-", the last bit of my sentence was drowned by the the sound of my crying and sobbing against Rosalie's shoulder as she pulled into her arms and held me there.
"Shh...it's ok, Bella...it's ok, sweetie...", she whispered while stroking my hair and back. "I'm not judging you...but, I think that...keeping him from seeing her...now that he knows...that would be just cruel...I know that he hurt you...and he may deserve a lot of things...but not this.."
" I never...meant...to"
"I know...but that's what you need to tell him. You and Edward need to talk, about everything...as soon as possible. The longer you wait, the worse it will get...and it's already been years now.."
I nodded against her shoulder, crying and digesting what Rose just said. I knew she was right; deep down I had probably known all along but that didn't make it any easier.
On the contrary.
It scared me, intimidated me.
And that fact made me angry again.
Apart from the glimpse at him last night and earlier today, I haven't looked him straight or said a word to him in the eyes for over five years now, and still I was ought to lay myself and my heart bare in front of him.
All my carefully built walls were threatened to be destroyed and I knew that. How was I supposed to have that conversation with him, when merely thinking of him hurt like nothing else? How come I was the one feeling bad when he was the one to fuck everything up to begin with; when it was his betrayal that caused me to make the decisions I made? Why the hell does it still hurt to think about it, even after all this time?
When exactly did everything turn into such a clusterfuck?
I sighed resignedly before squeezing Rosalie and then let go of her. She excused herself to use the bathroom, but I knew that she went to give me some privacy; to leave me alone with my thoughts and make a decision.
Pulling out a container of Ben&Jerry's Chocolate Therapy ice- cream out of the freezer, I contemplated what was going to come later on...
Edward and I would talk- that much was inevitable.
It was going to get ugly- that much was certain.
The outcome- that much was unknown.
Umm...yeah...that was that! Who wants some Chocolate Therapy ice cream as well? =) As you probably can tell, there is a big and long overdue confrontation coming up soon! What did you guys think of the Edward/Josie interaction?^^
Thanks so much for reading! Next chapter should be up in a few days!
~Sue