CHAPTER FOURTEEN
WHAT IF, BUT IF
Pearl doesn't know exactly how she ended up in a hospital bed with a tube in her chest and what seems to be a very powerful cocktail of pain killers dripping into her veins, but the experience does have its upsides.
Firstly, she's the absolute center of attention. Everybody has come to see her, and that means literally everybody from Bucky to the unborn child in her sisters womb, even if the stupid nurse makes half of them leave, and she's left with just the people that share her blood.
Secondly, the doctor that's explaining her situation looks sort of like George Clooney, and back in college, Pearl used to spend her mornings watching ER re-runs before class and on the show, George was a good doctor, which basically means fake George can probably be trusted, too. It makes perfect sense, at least in her drugged up state of mind.
Thirdly, and most importantly, Penelope looks like a whale, which makes Pearl very happy, though she wonders how Penny was even allowed to fly, because she seriously looks like she'll explode at any minute. It's a good thing they're in a hospital. Pearl giggles at the image and realizes she hasn't been listening to whatever fake George has been saying. This makes her giggle even more.
The doctor and nurse leave, and Pearl wants to beg them to stay and not leave her alone with her family, one third of which may or may not explode, but she doesn't really know how to say that without sounding really offensive.
"How are you, sweetie?" Pearl's dad asks, taking a step forward and stroking Pearl's hand.
"I don't know. I wasn't listening to the doctor," Pearl says, confused, then looks at Patrick and Penny. "Please tell me one of you listened."
They roll their eyes and laugh. Pearl doesn't understand what's funny about nobody knowing what the hell is happening.
"She seems to be herself," Patrick says. They all look at her with a pitiful, compassionate look, that's really annoying and not at all the type of attention she enjoys. As they keep staring at her like she's about to die, Pearl feels herself falling asleep and tries to fight it, but since she's already lying in bed, it proves to be a losing fight.
Waking up, she sees the arm chair next to her has been folded out into a bed. On it, Bucky is lying on his side, with his eyes open.
"Hey," he says as she opens her eyes and sees him.
"What time is it?" Pearl asks, trying to sit up, but he won't let her, instead shoving another pillow behind her head to raise it up a little. She doesn't know why knowing the time is even important right now, when she's not even sure what day it is.
"It's noon," Bucky says, and walks over to the other side of her bed to sit closer to her. He's got a weird look on his face, like he's got something to say but he's afraid to. Like she'll suddenly almost die again or something.
"What happened, Bucky?" Pearl asks, looking straight into his eyes, thinking it's probably something about the shooting.
His face becomes even weirder as he clears his throat and looks around the room. His eyes keep wandering as he talks. "How much do you remember?"
"We danced. I wanted to kiss you, but I was trying to be a lady so I didn't." Pearl thinks for a bit. "And then... We left. Why did we leave?"
She remembers how it felt when the bullet ripped through her lung, but everything else is a blur.
Bucky takes a deep breath. "HYDRA found me."
Of course. As if Pearl didn't have enough troubles, now she has to actually worry about HYDRA? They were supposed to be dead or in prison.
Bucky explains the situation, telling her he dragged her outside after spotting the HYDRA agent and how that all went to hell and how there were two of them and how he caught her before she fell to the ground, at which point Sam came out, knocked out the shooter and called for an ambulance. The shooter got away, which seems to make Bucky grip tightly onto the arms of the chair he's sitting on.
"All of this is my fault. I got you shot," Bucky says, still avoiding eye contact. He looks adorable, really.
Pearl shrugs it off. "Oh, come on. It's New York. I was bound to get shot sooner or later."
Bucky doesn't look amused as he shakes his head and lets out a deep sigh. "This is serious."
"What do you want me to say? I don't blame you," Pearl says.
Sure, if she could've chosen, she would've preferred not to get shot or to get shot somewhere other than her chest, which just happens to house a lot of major organs and apparently, according to fake George, whose words somehow did stick despite the major painkillers, getting shot in the lung could've gone very wrong very fast. But it's not Bucky's fault. Technically, yes, maybe, but not really. She gets it, probably. If someone had her locked up for decades and after getting out, she spotted them somewhere, it's not like she'd stick around to wait and see what might happen.
Bucky's eyes narrow. "You should. I dragged you out into that alley. If we'd stayed inside-"
"Yeah, if," Pearl snaps. She's not appreciating his tone, because it's almost condescending. Like she doesn't understand the severity of the situation. "I'm not going to have this conversation with you again. You can't change the past."
Pearl does not want to listen to this what if, but if crap. If they'd stayed inside, HYDRA could've killed everyone in that restaurant for whatever reason or Sam could've appeared and safely gotten them home without a scratch. Or they would've all died. Knowing what could've happened is impossible and dwelling on it won't help anyone.
"Before I got shot, it was the best date I've ever had and that's how I want to remember it," Pearl says in her very best 'end of conversation' manner. It was truly the best date ever and she would much rather have it be a separate event from the shooting, so she can look back on the best date ever without being constantly reminded that it ended with an ambulance trip.
"I thought you were going to die," Bucky says with a sad look on his face, making Pearl regret being so harsh. She can't possibly know the though process he went through before she woke up. He looks at her. "I'm so sorry. I won't let this happen again."
Pearl extends out her arm, and Bucky grabs her hand. She gives him a faint smile, which he reciprocates.
"Is my family still here?" Pearl asks, dying to change the subject. A nurse comes in to bring her some food and checks her vitals. She says the doctor will swing by later.
"They went to a hotel. They asked to be notified when you wake up. I can go-" Bucky begins before Pearl cuts him off.
"No, don't. Not yet," she says, cringing on the inside.
The corner of Bucky's lip twitches upwards but he doesn't say anything. Before leaving, the nurse checks Pearl's incision site while Bucky politely covers his eyes.
"I can't believe my mom didn't come," Pearl says, poking at the disgusting looking mush on her plate. At least the green jello looks almost edible.
Bucky smiles compassionately. "Your father said she wasn't well enough."
Pearl scoffs. "Yeah. You could put it like that."
As Pearl tastes the jello, Bucky seems to be pondering something, because he looks like he's trying to say something. Pearl hopes it's not something about the damn shooting again.
"Why didn't you tell me about your brother?" Bucky finally asks.
He knows. Of course he knows, most of her family is here, so why wouldn't he know. Pearl doesn't really know how to begin explaining it without sounding crazy, because that's what it is. She puts down her spoon and takes a deep breath to prepare herself for this. It's not exactly her favorite subject.
"It's been four years, and sometimes, I still pick up the phone to call him," she says.
"You can't accept it?" he asks, gently squeezing her hand.
"No, I can. I have. It's over, I've moved on," she says, exasperated. She can't even explain it properly.
"But?"
"I don't even know. And you know, Patrick does drugs, you know, like prescription drugs, and Penelope found God, mom never leaves the house, and dad quit his job to take care of her, and I-" She pauses to swallow the giant lump that's appeared in her throat. "I just.. I don't want to forget him, so sometimes, I act like he's not dead."
She never meant to start doing it, but shortly after his death, whenever she'd meet new people and they'd ask about her family, she would automatically just answer like nothing had changed, out of habit. And then, when she tried telling people the truth, it not only forced her to relive it, but made them look at her with pity, so the lie kind of stuck.
"It's insane, I know. That's what my therapist said," Pearl says.
Technically, her therapist never used the word insane, but that's the implication Pearl got. He said it's just another form of denial, even though Pearl tried to argue that it's just her way of keeping his memory alive. He would ask why couldn't she tell people Philip's dead and then share the same stories about him, and to this day, she hasn't completely figured out the logic behind it, but it is much nicer to hear people tell her Philip sounds awesome and they'd love to meet him, than it is to hear the same, shallow condolences for the thousandth time.
"I don't think so," Bucky says. Pearl doesn't know if she believes he's being sincere. He definitely looks like it.
"Well, I do," she says jokingly, trying to hold back tears. She's not going to cry now. "It's been over a year since I visited his grave. I missed his birthday."
"We'll go. As soon you get out of here," Bucky says with a smile.
He's being so sweet and caring and Pearl can feel her eyes welling up, so she rolls her eyes and changes the subject, because the combination of the subject at hand, the painkillers, the lack of proper sleep and his goddamn adorable face is making her way too emotional.
"No, because when I get out of here, we'll have to focus on making you a functioning member of society," she says.
Bucky raises an eyebrow. "We can't do both?"
"Do you want this to turn into an indie road trip movie, where we both end up learning valuable life lessons and meeting quirky characters along the way?" Pearl says jokingly.
"I have no idea what that means."
The completely blank look on his face makes Pearl start laughing, but it's cut short by a twinge of pain in her chest. Of course he doesn't know what the hell she's talking about. Their conversation is interrupted by Tony, knocking on the door frame. "Are you up for visitors?"
Pearl nods. "Always."
He steps inside, followed by Natasha. Bucky excuses himself to go call Pearl's family. Just the thought makes her groan. It's not that they're bad people or anything, and she loves her family very much, but they don't always agree with her decisions. Her mom is probably at home, thinking about how Pearl would've never gotten shot if she'd moved back home and gotten married. Even so, she's still pissed her mom didn't come.
"How you doing, kid?" Tony asks.
"I think I might have to miss that meeting on Wednesday," Pearl says, making Natasha chuckle.
"I'm shocked," Tony says in a sarcastic tone topped off with a grin.
Pearl laughs. "It's too bad my insurance policy doesn't kick in for another two weeks. You guys would've covered gunshots, right?"
"You don't have to worry about that," Tony says.
"What?" Pearl asks, because Tony looks weird, like really weird and he was really quick to tell her not to worry herself, and Pearl thinks she knows why, but hopes she's wrong. "Tony, what did you do?"
"Nothing," he says, fiddling with the edge of Pearl's bed, like he's trying to figure out what it's made of, but really he's just avoiding the question. Pearl glances over to Natasha, who simply shakes her head like she wants nothing to do with this. Pearl sighs.
"Tony," she says firmly, commanding his attention. "You can't go around paying people's medical bills. I have money."
"No, I have money. You have peanuts," he says, confirming her suspicions.
Pearl rolls her eyes. He's being very annoying. "Can I ask why?"
"Why not?" he replies in his usual arrogant manner, which makes Pearl want to strange him.
"I'm paying you back," she says and totally means it.
It doesn't matter how much it costs, she doesn't want to be indebted to someone, especially someone she works for and barely knows. She knows Tony's a billionaire and it probably doesn't mean anything to him, but it should. It's a nice thing to do. Too nice. She still feels weird about Patrick paying for her school and that's age old news, although now that she's got money, she could pay him back. After his rehab, obviously.
"Glad you're alright, kid," Tony says with a wink before quickly slipping out the door.
"There is something wrong with him," Pearl says to Natasha, who simply shrugs as she sits down on the edge of Pearl's bed.
"He throws money at things. It's his idea of helping," she replies.
It's still unnecessary and wrong, unless her bills turn out to be something astronomical and then she may feel a bit silly for trying to turn down the help.
"He really does seem to like you, though," Natasha says, grabbing Pearl's spoon and stealing some of her jello so quickly Pearl doesn't have a chance to stop her.
"You realize you're eating the only thing on this tray that I was planning to eat?" she asks.
Natasha laughs, her spoon already headed for another scoop. "I'll bring you mozzarella sticks."
Maybe Pearl can forgive the jello, of course, depending on the amount of mozzarella sticks that will be brought, as well as where from and with what dip. Pearl smiles in agreement.
"Your dad had a lot of questions last night," Natasha says.
"Oh, fuck," Pearl says. Of course he had questions. Someone shot his little girl, why wouldn't he have questions? "What did you tell him?"
"As little as possible. I said somebody tried to mug you," Natasha says simply, and Pearl knows they most likely bought it, because Natasha is nothing short of an amazing liar.
"And Bucky?"
"Bucky's just a guy you met at work. Patrick was asking a lot about his arm, though, but I said Bucky's a war veteran, and that shut him up," Natasha says, scooping up the rest of the jello and putting down the cup.
Technically, Natasha didn't even lie. Not about Bucky, anyway. The thought of explaining the whole story, with HYDRA and Bucky and her current job and all that, to her family just does not seem like something she wants to do, ever. They were barely okay with the CIA thing, no matter how many times she tried to convince them it's not dangerous and she doesn't even carry a gun.
"Anyway, they're on their way here."
Before her family gets there, fake George, actually named Doctor Mark Reed, comes in to explain the situation to her once more, down to the gory details of her surgery. Pearl finds out that the large caliber bullet she was shot with, is actually still in her lung and they have no intention of taking it out, which is kind of cool but also kind of scary, but the doctor assures her it's safe as it's nowhere near her heart and will most likely not be traveling there either. 'Most likely' does not exactly convince her, but hearing it's much more dangerous to try taking it out, does.
Doctor Mark, as he allows Pearl to call him after she bats her eyelashes a little, tells her she'll most likely be out of the hospital by Sunday, hopefully even sooner, which just sounds unbelievable to Pearl, who was assuming she'd be stuck wearing an awful hospital gown for weeks. The doctor leaves just as Pearl's family arrives and Natasha goes with him.
"What's up, Peanut?" Patrick asks, leaning over and wrapping an arm around her neck. He looks more and more like dad everyday, but he's probably got at least another ten years until the gray hair starts coming in.
"Don't call me Peanut," Pearl says with a smile, returning the hug as best as she can.
Pearl never had a real nickname. Patrick's Pat, Penelope's Penny and Philip was Pip, but coming up with a nickname for Pearl was a long struggle for Patrick, who couldn't give it a rest until he found one that stuck. He never really did, but Peanut did have a good run of one whole year until Patrick left for college and by the time he came back, it was forgotten.
Penelope says a quick hello and tries to bend over for a hug, but it proves to be a futile attempt with her giant stomach getting in the way. Pearl laughs.
"Your mother sends her best," dad says, standing on the other side of her bed, placing his hand over hers.
And there it is. If he would've just not mentioned mom at all, she could've let it slide that she's not here.
"Right. You would think that somebody shooting at her youngest living child would get her the hell out of that house, but no," Pearl says, trying to stay calm but feeling her whole jaw tightening up. Dad lets go of her hand and looks to be grinding his teeth.
"Pearl, please," Penelope tries to plead. This isn't exactly the first time they've had a conversation like this.
"No, it's fine. Olivia, Jack, Grace, Zach and fetus can all grow up thinking it's completely normal that grandma never leaves the house, until they realize it's not," Pearl says, looking her father in the eyes, his furious stare now matching hers.
"Don't call the baby fetus," Penny says.
"Sorry."
"You will not talk about your mother like that," dad says, his voice almost emotionless.
"Why? Why can't we talk about it?" Pearl asks, suddenly feeling like a teenager again.
Dad sighs. "Because this is not the time and place."
"It never is," Pearl says.
"Pearl Olivia Palmer!" dad says, raising his voice, making her really feel like a teenager again, though even back then he was never all that strict and usually only shouted with good reason, but the whole calling her by her full name thing just takes her back to those days.
"Fine. I'm sorry," she says quietly. Maybe she'll bring up the subject again in a year or so. Maybe over Christmas, that should be fun.
Dad says he has some questions for Doctor Mark, so he leaves, visibly disappointed, and Pearl turns back to Pat and Penny. "So, what's new with you guys?"
They look at each other as if to decide who goes first. Patrick wins. He takes a deep breath. "Nina's making me go to rehab."
Pearl's jaw drops open. Patrick looks at his wide-eyed sister and quickly nudges Penny's elbow, as if to change the subject.
"I'm having twins," Penny says, holding her hand over the giant bump that is her belly.
If it was possible, Pearl's jaw would hit the floor right about now. "Oh, wow."
At least that explains the huge bump. And maybe the bags under Patrick's eyes. Pearl doesn't really know how to react except to congratulate both her siblings. Patrick says he's already been going to a very high class institution twice a week and will be starting his actual rehab there next week. It's supposedly a very glamorous and expensive place, one with celebrities and everything.
Penny says she and Adam haven't found out if they're having boys or girls or both, but they're very excited and have already been looking at bigger houses to fit their constantly growing herd of children. Pearl and Patrick listen politely to her yammering on about names and houses and pre-schools and baptisms, both probably hoping these will be the last children Penny produces, just so they can be spared from enduring the painfully long ceremony that she calls a baptism. It's like an average, Catholic baptism but with more hymns and more prayer, some chick playing the harp and a really old priest, who can barely speak three words a minute, and after the first thirty minutes, it gets rather repetitive. When Grace was born, it was understandable, because it was her first child, and they thought she'd chill out a little with Zachary, but instead, she made it even more of a spectacle.
"Thank God you're alright," Penny says, finally noticing the glazed look in the eyes of her so called audience.
"I don't think God had much to do with it," Pearl says and then stops herself from continuing that thought.
Penelope smiles warmly. "I know you don't, but luckily, He understands that."
The stream of visitors seems to be never ending, as Sam appears in the doorway. It's a nice feeling for Pearl, knowing everybody wants to see her and talk to her.
"Is this a bad time?" he asks.
"No, dude. Come in," Patrick says, motioning for Sam to step inside. He gives Pearl a kiss on the forehead. "We'll go find dad."
They begin to leave, but before they reach the door, Penny turns around one last time. "Pearl, please go easy on him. He's doing the best he can."
Pearl sighs as Sam sits down on the chair next to the bed. He gives her a questioning, worrisome look, to which she replies with a smile. "Hey, Sam."
"Hey, Pearly girl," Sam says. His eyes dart from the chest tube to the IV to the disgusting slop of food. His brow furrows and he clears his throat before speaking again. He looks directly at her, but it seems to make him uncomfortable. "I feel responsible."
It's almost like she's heard something like this before, not too long ago. Major deja-vu moment. "What?"
"I thought it was okay for me to step out for a while and then everything went to hell. I'm sorry," Sam says.
"It's not your fault, you couldn't have known," Pearl says. Really, she just wants to put Bucky and Sam in a room together and watch them fight over who's more responsible for what happened, but beyond being entertaining, that would serve no purpose, because she doesn't want to hold either responsible. "And from what I hear, you helped save my life."
Sam rubs the back of his neck. "I didn't think they would actually come after him."
"Me neither. I don't blame you," Pearl says. He doesn't look convinced so she gives him a smile, which he kind of reciprocates, but not really. His eyes keep staring at the machines surrounding her.
"So, where were you?" Pearl asks.
"Huh?"
Pearl raises an eyebrow. "When you left? Where did you go?"
Sam hesitates for a moment, but in the end, Pearl's intense stare wears him down. He sighs. "I was backstage, leaving a box of chocolates for my special lady friend to enjoy after her set."
Backstage? Set? Lady friend? The wheels start turning in Pearl's head.
"Wait, what? The singer from the restaurant? That's who you've been texting?" Pearl asks, still trying to process the information. It's as if every visitor she's had today comes with their own shocking news.
Sam nods. "We've been dating for some time now."
"Wow. That's... Wow."
Pearl is almost speechless, which usually never happens. She was almost beginning to think Sam had made up this girl he refused to talk about.
"Her name's Mae," he says, a hint of a smile creeping up on his face.
Pearl shakes her head in complete disbelief. "I can't believe I had to get shot for you to tell me this."
"Tell you what?"
They both turn to see Steve standing at the doorway, clearly waiting for his turn to come visit. He raises an eyebrow, waiting for an answer. Sam gives Pearl a meaningful look, as in 'don't tell Steve and I might let you meet my girlfriend' or maybe just 'don't tell Steve', so Pearl quickly improvises something.
"His favorite movie," she says.
"Which is?" Steve asks.
Pearl names the first movie that pops into her head. "The Muppet Movie. And if that's not on your list, it should be."
"It's all about that rainbow connection, man. I'm telling you," Sam says.
Pearl's jaw drops open and she looks at Sam, who just grins. She was just trying to be a little funny and fool Steve, but Sam actually knows The Muppet Movie. And knows it well, clearly. Sam is awesome.
Steve doesn't respond and just stares at the two of them with his serious face on. Sam gets up to leave and there's a really weird energy in the room, like they're fighting or something, but they don't say anything.
Steve sits down. "So, you and Bucky?"
"Me and Bucky," Pearl replies, trying to read his mood now that Sam's gone. It turns out to be impossible.
"How's that going?" he asks.
"What, you came here for girl talk?" Pearl asks, slightly amused, since he doesn't exactly seem like the type to have girl talk or relationship talk or whatever.
Steve shrugs. "I'm just asking."
The tone in his voice suggests he does, in fact, want to talk about her and Bucky, but not in the 'are you dating' kind of way but more like a 'this is a bad idea' kind of way. "You're worried."
"A little," Steve says. "Don't get me wrong, I'm happy he's happy, and you've been great, but I worry about him."
"No, I know. I do, too," Pearl says, looking Steve straight in the eyes without even blinking and nods her head slowly. It seems to convince him, as the look on his face goes from hidden worry to relief. The moment doesn't last very long.
"Now, what do you want me to do about Sam?" he asks, focusing his serious stare onto her.
"What?"
"He's been messing up quite a bit. I'm sorry about that and I think maybe I should assign someone else to watch Bucky," he says.
Someone else? What? Pearl stares blankly at Steve until he explains.
"Bucky escaped and stole Tony's car on his watch, and you got shot, also on his watch."
Alright, that makes sense, kind of, even if he sounds like he's explaining it to a child.
"You know about the car?" Pearl asks.
Creases appear on Steve's otherwise smooth forehead. "Of course I know about it."
"Well, that's not really Sam's fault. What is he supposed to do, stay up all night, just in case Bucky decides to leave?" Pearl asks. "And even then, Bucky could probably sneak out undetected. He's a freaking ghost story."
He's an assassin for Christ's sake and he's got all these ninja skills, of course he can sneak out undetected.
"Okay, fine, but he was supposed to be watching you two, and you almost died," Steve says after a long sigh.
"There's been no HYDRA activity for a long time. Nobody could've predicted this," Pearl says.
After Sokovia, remaining HYDRA soldiers were detained and the rest most likely went into hiding. It would make sense that they could really use Bucky to rebuild the organization, but there's probably only a handful of them left.
"I could. That's why I specifically had Sam come with you wherever you went. This is not the time to get sloppy." He sounds pissed off, which is understandable.
Pearl knows the stories about Captain America. She's read about him in her history books and she's had the pleasure of hearing Bucky's re-telling of classic events. She's always thought he's a good guy, but it's not until right this moment that she really gets it. He's not only a good guy, he's a good captain and a keen strategical mind. She thought he was just being annoyingly overly cautious, having Sam follow Bucky everywhere, but in hindsight, it makes perfect sense. He was right, but they didn't take him seriously enough.
Despite all that, Pearl thinks he's being too harsh. "Fine, whatever. It's your team. I don't blame Sam and I don't think you should replace him. I know he feels bad about what happened."
"I'll think about it," Steve says. He's still looking very serious.
"While you're at it, think about the possibility of just letting Bucky do what he wants, without a bodyguard," Pearl suggests. Bucky is very capable of keeping himself safe and now that they know the threat is real, they'll be better prepared.
Steve reacts as one would expect. "What? Now? Are you crazy?"
"Yeah, probably," Pearl says. She kind of wants to blame the drugs for making her say these things, but the idea's actually been brewing in her head for a while. This just might not be the best time to bring it up. "I just, you know, I plan on going on more dates and if I take Bucky to my apartment, I would feel very uncomfortable having Sam wait in the car. Or, you know, outside my door."
"Well, I, uh, yeah. I see your point," Steve says, clearly a bit flustered.
"This is purely a hypothetical, of course."