Chapter 14.
Beast Boy's words gave me strength. I forced myself to ignore the drugs Alfred pumped into me to help me sleep. I fought against the dark.
I had to let them know I was here. Somehow, they had to see me. If I could just make my body do something irregular, maybe they'd see.
My eyes were mine. I could blink. I could close them if I wanted. I could open them (yes that was harder to do, but I don't care.). But I couldn't do that with any regularity and I'd already tried to show them through my eyes and they hadn't seen. I needed something that would make a noise.
My heart was mine. It jumped a beat, just from seeing Raven before. And that gave me an idea.
You know that whole mind over matter garbage they spew at you? Well, it's not garbage. It works. Batman taught me a way to regulate my heartbeat. He said it helped defeat lie detector tests and he made me run those tests again and again and again until he was satisfied. It involves controlling your body's reaction, controlling your heartbeat so that your pulse didn't change when you lied. It always went to the reverse too, deliberately making your heart increase to induce a false reading.
It had been a while since I'd done it, and I hoped I had not lost the ability. I concentrated, harder than I had before. My body actually broke out in a sweat, but I wouldn't give up.
The heart monitor blipped. My pulse rate had gone up.
Now, most wouldn't find that a victory. Big deal, walk a flight of stairs. Consider the fact that I couldn't move my stupid body. A pulse rate jump was a big thing.
Now for the tricky part. I wasn't even sure I could do this. I wasn't sure that Batman could do this if he tried. Not to mention how fucking dangerous it was to manipulate your heart like this. I could force a heart attack if I did it wrong, but I was desperate.
It took me most of the night, but I managed to do it. Now, all I needed was for someone to see it.
Alfred wandered in, yawning. He checked on me first every morning, like clockwork. He sipped a cup of tea, wearing a fluffy black robe and slippers. I could see his grey pyjamas underneath. I always teased him about that robe, he's normally so immaculate and to catch him slumming it in the morning was just funny.
I was glad to see him. Finally, I had a way to communicate. I just hoped he saw it.
He placed his cup on the bedside table beside me. "Morning, young Master Dick."
Morning Alfred, check what I can do.
I concentrated. If the stupid ventilator allowed it, I would have been panting with effort. Beside me, the heart monitor blipped. Three seconds fast, three seconds slow, three seconds fast. There wasn't really much difference between the fast and the slow beats, just a few beats per minute and I hoped it would be enough. 53, down to 45, back up to 53. It wasn't perfect, the stupid machine tracked the rise and fall slower than I would have liked, but it was all I had.
Alfred changed my IV bag. He changed several other bags that I don't want to think about.
I kept my message going. Three fast, three slower, then three fast. I stared at him, willing him to notice.
Alfred fussed around my bed. "We shall give you a bath later, Master Dick, and change the bedding. It seems you were rather hot last night. I will turn the heating down."
Alfred, the monitor. Notice the monitor.
He picked up his tea. "I must get breakfast stared," he told me. "Master Bruce will be waiting."
Let him wait. Alfred, look at the fucking monitor.
Alfred headed for the door. I panicked, he had to see. He had to see. Bruce didn't visit so I couldn't count on him. I don't think Starfire or Beast Boy knew Morse code and I couldn't count on Cyborg knowing. I couldn't wait to see either.
I did something I hoped I didn't have to do. I hoped I survived it. I hoped it would be enough for him to wake up and noticed what I was doing. I changed my heartbeat again. Just a little irregularity. Mild heart attack, call it what you will. Just enough to be noticed.
The alarm beside the bed went off.
I was screaming on the inside. It had hurt, like nothing had hurt before. There was a deep pressure in my chest and my left arm went numb for a moment and I thought I'd overdone it. My throat closed up around the stupid tubes and I choked on them. My body convulsed, and I think that surprised me the most, my body had a physical reaction to what I was doing to my heart.
Alfred dropped his cup of tea. The china shattered as it hit the ground. He hit some sort of alarm. A red light flashed on the ceiling.
Stupid, really. What'd I done started a chain reaction I couldn't control. The heart monitor beside the bed went nuts. As I wrestled with my heart, Alfred surged into action, scrambling for all sorts of needles and equipment.
Bruce dashed into the room, wearing nothing but silk pants. He took a look at what was happening and headed for the crash cart. Why he had one, I couldn't fathom, but I so wasn't about to let him shock me with those paddles he was preparing. Good to know he wasn't going to let me go without a fight though.
The Titans emerged from the swirl of Raven's cape. I only really knew they were there because I could see the top end of her raven, the shriek of her arrival lost in the chaos of what was occurring around me. I guess they must have hacked into Bruce's alarm. Good.
"Alfred, get his shirt open," Bruce snapped and I heard the sound of squirting. He was preparing the shock paddles. If he zapped me, my heart would return to its natural rhythm, but I'd lose all control I had, I was sure of it. Every muscle would spasm; my heart would be so bruised I'd not be able to communicate with it for a while.
Panicked, I stared up my heart jumps again, albeit skewed rhythm. It hurt like a wicked bitch, the strain my heart was already under.
Alfred all but ripped the shirt I was wearing open and these cold, wet things went on my chest.
Fuckfuckfuck! What did I have to do to get people to notice me? Raven, help me! See me!
My body was jerking, my head lolling and I saw a flash of a stricken looking Starfire, a panicked Cyborg and a devastated Raven. Bruce was coming at me with those paddles.
A growl filled the room. Something large landed on my bed. A huge green paw landed before my eyes.
"Beast Boy, get off," Bruce snapped, trying to push past very large teeth.
Beast Boy growled at him. I couldn't see what was going on past the paw, so I just concentrated on controlling my heart. There was a scuffle, I'm sure. Beast Boy's weight shifted all over the place, I was bounced, jostled and knocked. I think they tried to lift him off. Something was zapped, by Raven most like. Sparks flew as something else blew up.
"Young lady, control yourself."
"Beast Boy, get off the bed!"
Cyborg's roar was what I heard next. "Y'all shut up and listen."
You know, one good thing about Cyborg is his vocal processors. When he hacks himself, they can be very, very, very loud. Hard to ignore. Everybody froze.
"Watch the heart monitor," Cyborg continued, lowering his voice again. "Something's happenin'."
Now I was given the chance, I wrestled with control. I allowed my heart to regulate its beat itself, gave myself a moment's breather. My body stilled. The heart monitor returned to normal.
"Holy shit," Bruce blurted.
Beast Boy shifted back to normal and laughed. "You know, dude, when I said find a way, I didn't expect you to be so dramatic."
If I could have smiled, I would have.
He leant in close so I could see him. "Now, show them what I see."
They were all watching the heart monitor. Bruce was poised to strike, waiting for any sign of irregularity. Beast Boy still crouched over me, giving me the time I needed. Very, very clearly, I sent my signal. Three fast, three slow, three fast. I stopped, rested and sent it again.
Bruce dropped the paddles. "S.O.S."
Raven swept by them all, planted a hand on my cheek and dove headfirst into my mind.
Everything was blue, as far as the eye could see. A line divided the shades, a light sky blue and deep, rich navy blue. I was floating in the light blue it seemed. Not floating, falling. Sky was rushing past me, but I wasn't really 'me' either. I couldn't see my hands, or my arms. I couldn't see my eyelids. It felt like I was viewing the world from a screen, I was part of it, and yet separated.
The darker blue was the ocean. As I sped toward it, it began to take up more of my vision. I went through a cloud, it covered everything in white, and when I broke through the other side Raven was there, falling just like I was.
Her arms were pulled into her body, her ankles together. Her cape billowed out behind her as she dropped through the sky. There was a steely expression on her face as she stared down at the ocean below us. She looked like an arrow, shooting through the sky and the water below was the target.
I got the feeling if we hit the water that was it. We'd be lost completely. So why was she aiming for it so intently?
She was looking for me. She thought I was trapped beneath the swell, not flying above the world. If I wanted to be found, I had to go to her. I had to control my descent.
Suddenly, I had a body, I could see my hair flapping in front of my face, could see the blurred outline of my nose. I raised my arm to see my hand waving at me. After days of being trapped, unable to move, you wouldn't believe my elation at being able to move by myself. I wriggled everything, just to make sure I wasn't dreaming. Everything felt as it should, every movement was mine. I was whole again.
If I had a body, I could reach Raven.
She hadn't seen me, still intent on her dive. I slapped my hands to my sides, legs plastered together and put my head down, shooting straight for her. "Raven!"
She floundered in the air, shifting from a graceful eagle to a flopping duck. Her arms and legs spread wide too quickly and she was sent into a spin. The cape smacked her in the face and by the time she was free the ocean was very large beneath us.
She looked shocked to see me, then as happy as Raven could look. "Robin!" she cried and held out her hand toward me.
We swam though the air toward each other. I was no flyer, there was no trapeze here for me, and Raven was more of a levitator but we were determined to reach each other.
Water swelled and surged below us. I could hear the wind as it raced across the surface, the crash as each swell tumbled back onto itself. It took us a couple of attempts, but I managed to grab her fingers and she grabbed on to mine. The elated look on her face must have matched mine.
"I found you!" she cried, the wind of our descent snatching her words.
I smiled at her.
She used her free hand to move some of her hair out of her face. "I was scared," she said frantically, as though she had to confess everything right then. "I never meant for this to happen—"
"I know, I heard you."
Her mouth dropped open. "What?"
I tugged her hand, pulled her until I could reach her neck with my other hand. "C'mere," I said and kissed her.
It was brief; the wind was forcing us apart even now. But it was charged, all the emotion I'd been feeling the last month, all the feelings she'd been experiencing, they were all wrapped up in this one kiss. There was a sense of truth and understanding flashing between us.
I grinned and she smiled shyly back at me. Everything was right. We had our moment.
As one, we remembered the peril we were in and looked down. Somehow, I expected we would be floating, but the water was still coming for us. Raven looked back up at me, panicked. "Robin, I can't stop us."
I squeezed her fingers. Suddenly I was very calm, I can't explain it. "It'll be okay."
"I can't lose you now." She flapped her free hand, gathered her legs up toward her as though she could will flight. She clenched her eyes shut as she desperately tried to stop our fall.
"Raven?" I waited until she looked at me. "I would too." Before she could gape at me, I twisted in the air, pulling her close. I curled my body around her protectively, my back to the water.
We hit the water and somewhere in the bubbles, spray and chaos, we separated.
I sank like a stone. Raven didn't. I could see her disappearing above me, caught at the surface. I could see her reach, her arm stretched out toward me, bubbles escaping her mouth as she tried to get to me. The surface held her though, she couldn't dive beneath. I was glad. She didn't need to become lost too.
Nothing lived here. The ocean was empty, no fish, no rocks or coral. No floor, just inky black below me. The water grew cold. Dark. I didn't feel the need to breathe. There was no pressure on my chest. My body was heavily but I didn't struggle. Instead I felt calm, protected, just like I had when I'd been in the light.
There was a beacon way down below, growing stronger as I sank toward it. I watched it, curious, wondering about the little light in the dark. It seemed to draw me in, call to me. I could feel it pulling, tugging; it wanted me to hurry up.
I wasn't afraid. If it was time, I was resigned to go. I was just glad I'd got to see Raven again.
There was a figure down there, alone in the dark. A shadow around the light. It was hard to make out. So I watched, still sinking downward. It wouldn't be long now.
It was Dream Catcher. Dream Catcher of her youth, blonde hair, blue eyes, happy smile. "I found it," she said, even though her mouth never opened. I could hear her voice inside my head. She was cradling something in her hands. It emitted its own glow, light shining through her fingers. That's what I had seen. That's why I hadn't struggled.
I stopped sinking; either that or she matched my pace. We floated there together. Her hair billowed around her, giving her an eerie, mysterious glow almost. I tried to speak, but only bubbles escaped my mouth.
"It was lost," she told me as we floated in the water. "Like my brother. Lost in the storm. I was always too afraid to go but you gave me strength. I found him and I found the part you lost." She held out her hands to me. "Thank you," she said.
It was the dream catcher. I stared at her with a mixture of gratitude and shock. I hadn't dared hope I'd be able to escape the coma by escaping the dream. I took her precious cargo, that piece of myself I'd left behind, and cradled it to my chest. Such an incredible gift and yet I could do nothing for her.
"It's not all there," she warned. "You were lost. Sometimes there is no going back. But you are strong, Robin. Your light shines. You have to make the connection yourself."
How, I wanted to ask her. Come with me, I wanted to say.
"Remember the dream," she said and placed a hand against my cheek.
I promised her with a nod and snapped the catcher.
A/N Is it possible to change your heart beat. Absolutely. With training. It's one of the ways people can circumvent lie detector tests. Free divers do it as well as their breathing to be able to last under water longer. Is it possible to do what Robin did? Yes, but probably not to that extreme. Tibetan Monks can change their heartbeat in between beats, but it takes years of practice and meditation. Robin has extraordinary control over his body, we're seen that time and time again. I am taking poetic licence here; in world where we have superheros flying around, I think a human changing his heartbeat a couple of beats a minute is a little thing. Desperation made him do something he wouldn't normally be able to do.