Chapter 14

Timings and Toast

"I have just realised what I've been doing wrong all along, Sebastian and why my diets aren't working."

"Is it 'cause you're not eating healthy and exercising?"

"No."

"Oh, then it's something stupid and I don't want to hear it."

"Not this time. My lack of weight loss may be due to the fact that we eat very late."

"I don't eat late."

"You had dinner at two am."

"I don't eat late."

"So, I propose that we have dinner at around six."

"In the morning?"

"In the evening, you dumbass."

"But I'll starve for the rest of the night. I have to eat at least ten times a day or else, I will die from being malnourished and other things."

"Malnourishment? That's rich coming from the boy that abuses drugs and alcohol on a daily basis."

"In my defence, I'm cutting down. The cops are on to me."

"Wait, wait, you're a criminal and I'm being pestered about the fact that I'm on a diet?"

"I'm not a criminal unless I get caught."

"I can write a book about the horrors of living with you."

"I can write a book about the horrors of what I find in our bathroom."

"Excuse me, since when did it become our bathroom?"

"Since I started reading books in your crapper instead of mine."

"You genuinely repulse me."

"Your attitudes towards yourself repulses me. Why the fuck are you on a diet?"

"Because I have a large amount of body fat?"

"Hummel, this is the last time I'm saying this—"

"No, it isn't."

"—you don't have a large amount of body fat. You are not a walrus."

"You're right. I'm a hippo because of my hips."

"Fuck it, Hummel. You make me sad. You truly do. I fucking love your hips. I love holding onto that crap when I'm fucking you. I love kissing your fatty bits. I love running my hand down your fucking stomach."

"All the more reason for me to lose weight."

"I give up."

"Really?"

"No. I don't want dinner at six fucking pm. Not even my grandmother eats that early for fuck's sake."

"Sebastian."

-three in the morning-

"Hummel, wake up. I need you to make me something. I'm fucking starving and I can't stand it anymore. I nearly ate my cat."

"Sebastian, you're disturbing my beauty sleep."

"Hummel, I won't survive until the morning. At least tell me how to use that thing."

"What thing?"

"The thing you put bread in to make it all brown and nice and golden?"

"….you mean the toaster?"

xo Peanut Butter/Sam