The dreams returned to Paul Shepard's mind the first night he truly slept since his reconstruction. They were never pleasant.
...
"With all due respect, it isn't your decision to make, Gunnery Chief Williams." Kaidan's voice spoke out in the darkness of Paul Shepard's mind. "It's Commander Shepard's."
Ashley shook her head disgustedly. "Why is it that whenever someone says, 'with all due respect', they really mean, 'kiss my ass?'"
Paul's voice spoke, but it was as though he were speaking to them from far away. "I hope you were planning on ending that question with a 'sir', Williams." She nodded hastily, and Paul made his decision. "Alenko, you'll coordinate the salarian teams. Williams, Wrex, you're with me on the assault team." The Krogan battlemaster nodded determinedly. "Tali, Garrus, you will accompany Kirrahe." Which only left Liara alone... "Doctor T'Soni, you're with the team arming the bomb. We'll rendezvous at the bomb site. Once we get there, Ashley, you'll arm the explosive."
"Acknowledged, Commander." The quarian and turian both saluted and walked over to Captain Kirrahe. Liara unexpectedly touched Shepard's arm before she turned to go towards the Normandy, and he touched her hand back. She smiled through her helmet, as though she were saying, It'll be fine, Paul. I trust you more than anything in the universe right now. But then she left, and Paul gazed after the asari for a few moments, looking to the shoreline of Virmire.
"No heroics should be necessary, Alenko." Shepard said after Liara had left. Ashley remained for a moment, while Wrex went back to a tent to pick up the heavy shotguns and weapons they would need for the assault on Saren's base.
"I know. It..." Kaidan's voice cut off. "It looks like this is it. Don't do anything foolish while I'm gone, Ash. That goes for you too, Commander." He met Shepard's eyes.
Paul nodded. "Kirrahe talked like he expected this to be a suicide mission. I plan on everyone getting out of here alive. Understood?" A series of nods greeted his statement, only for Paul to feel a tingling along his spine as he remembered what came next...
What always came next...
...
The cloning tanks with fully-grown, near-adult male krogan lined both sides of the hallway of the breeding facility, their eyes sealed shut. If the STG accomplished their mission, none of them would ever know a waking life. Wrex trembled with anger as he followed Shepard, grating out, "I'm going to tear this whole place down!"
...
The visions from the Virmire beacon flashed before Paul's eyes. The height and the end of Prothean civilization merged almost seamlessly, the screams of the fallen, the howls of the betrayed, the hopelessness felt by those left behind. The final image was of a Reaper, charging from a black planet, completely unstoppable.
...
"You're not even alive. Not really." Paul bit out angrily. "You're just a machine. And machines can be broken."
"Your words are as empty as your future. I am the vanguard of your destruction. This exchange is over." A colossal boom roared through the facility and the image of Sovereign faded.
...
Kaidan and Ashley yelled at each other over the radio. Kaidan was up on the Anti-Aircraft tower with a group of salarian troops and Captain Kirrahe, and were drawing fire from a heavily reinforced geth position. Their diversion had given Williams and the Normandy the time they needed to offload the explosive and hopefully get it ready to go.
Wrex suddenly spoke up. "Damn. Geth are sending in some heavy reinforcements." True to his word, a geth troopship soared in towards the bombsite and geth troopers were already falling from it.
Alenko cut in over the radio, "Chief, we just spotted a troopship inbound to your location."
"It's already here, and it's bleeding geth all over the bombsite!"
Paul sighed and asked over the radio, "Can you hold them off, Chief?"
"There's too many of them, Commander. I don't think we can hold out!" Ashley responded. The tone of her voice indicated Ashley knew she was in a hopeless position. Her statement a moment later shocked Shepard. "I'm activating the bomb!"
"Williams, what the hell are you doing!" Paul burst out.
"Making sure this bomb goes off, sir. No matter what." A moment later, an ominous series of electronic buzzing and blatting noises filled the comlink. Ashley stated a moment later, "It's done, Commander. Go get the lieutenant and get the hell out of here!"
"Belay that!" Alenko responded angrily. "We can handle ourselves up here! Shepard, go back and get Williams!"
Paul looked down from the rail he stood on; the waters below churned into a whirlpool. Which felt exactly like his stomach at the moment... But he couldn't hesitate. Not now. Paul Shepard made his decision. "Alenko, radio Joker and tell him to meet us on the AA Tower."
"Yes, Commander, I..." Kaidan's voice trailed off.
"You know it's the right choice, LT!" Ashley's voice was incredibly brave considering her situation...and considering what Shepard had just ordered.
"Hold on, Williams." Shepard ordered, but his voice was weakening. "We'll be there for you before you know it."
"Somehow, I don't think that's going to happen, Commander. But I don't regret a thin-" Ashley's voice was cut off by static. Paul swore as he, Wrex, and Liara charged up the stairs to the Anti-Aircraft Tower.
...
Saren came out of nowhere, throwing biotic attacks all over the place. He rode what was clearly a geth aerial platform, but it was one that Shepard had never seen the geth use before... Paul sprinted to cover, managing to hurl a throw attack at the turian that did absolutely nothing to Saren. A moment later, Saren disembarked, and Paul hefted his Sokolov S-93 shotgun at the turian, firing three bursts. To Paul's horror, the shots didn't even penetrate Saren's kinetic barrier. Saren faced Shepard boldly, not even dignifying the fact that Shepard had fired on him. "This has been a most impressive diversion, Shepard." Saren congratulated him. "My geth were utterly convinced the salarians were the real threat today. Of course, it was all for nothing." The former Spectre said dismissively. "I can't possibly allow you to disrupt what I've accomplished here. You don't understand what's really at stake."
"Sovereign and its kind destroyed the Protheans." Shepard's voice was full of iron. "What else is there to understand?!"
Saren obliged. "You saw the vision from the beacon on Eden Prime, Shepard. And now the one here, on Virmire. If anyone can understand what the Reapers are capable of, it should be you: they cannot be stopped." Saren continued, "You should not involve yourself in a pointless revolt. Do not sacrifice everything for the sake of petty freedoms, Shepard. The Protheans tried to fight, and for that, they were utterly destroyed. Trillions died, and their empire was extinguished at its absolute height. But...what if they had bowed before their invaders?" Saren reasoned. Paul shook his head in dismay. "Would the Protheans still exist? Is not submission preferable to extinction?"
"You really believe the Reapers will let us live?" Liara asked from her position, somewhere in a maze of cargo containers.
"Can you truly be so foolish, Saren?" Paul asked, incredulous.
Saren ignored Liara entirely. "Now do you see why I never brought this forward to the Council, Shepard? We organics are driven by emotion instead of logic. We will fight, even when we know we cannot win. But if we work with the Reapers...if we make ourselves useful to them, can you imagine how many lives might be spared?" Paul knew that answer in the depths of his heart. None. Not one. But Saren continued his diatribe relentlessly. "Once I understood this, I joined Sovereign, though I was aware of the...dangers. I had hoped this facility could protect me."
Paul nodded from his position in cover. "You must be afraid Sovereign is manipulating you. You're afraid it's gaining control of your thoughts."
Saren admitted, "I've...studied the effects of indoctrination. The more control Sovereign exerts, the less capable a subject becomes. That is my saving grace. Sovereign needs me to find the Conduit. My mind is still my own...for now. But the transformation from ally to servant can be subtle." Saren seemed to shrug, then said proudly, "I will not let it happen to me."
Paul shook his head again, then realized, If Saren's suddenly being so cooperative, why not ask him about the geth? Why are they following Sovereign? "Why do the geth follow Sovereign, Saren?"
From his position, Paul saw Saren raise a hand almost casually. "They believe Sovereign to be some kind of god. To them, it is the pinnacle of their own evolution. But the reaction of their 'deity' is most telling: it is insulted. Sovereign does not desire the pitiful devotions the geth hurl at it. They are merely tools, and no amount of belief on their part will ever change that."
Shepard stuck his head out from cover just slightly, eyeing another shot at Saren. He's a Spectre, so he's clearly not an idiot. But he's a turian with a lot of pride. How do I get through to him? Paul's mouth formed a tight line as he stated, "Saren, Sovereign's manipulating you and you don't even know it. Whatever you might tell yourself, you're already under its power."
Saren violently shook his head and angrily bit back, "No, Sovereign needs me! If I find the Conduit, I've been promised a reprieve from the inevitable. This is my only hope."
Paul did not relent. "Together, we could stop Sovereign. We don't have to submit to the Reapers, Saren. We can defeat them."
Saren sighed and said unhappily, "I no longer believe that, Shepard. The visions cannot be denied. The Reapers are simply too powerful." He raised a hand demonstratively, "The only hope of survival is to join with them. Sovereign is a machine. It thinks like a machine. If I can prove my value, then I become a resource worth maintaining. There is no other logical conclusion!"
Paul sighed bitterly. Just like Noveria, diplomacy fails in the face of indoctrination. "You were a Spectre," Paul Shepard began angrily, "and were sworn to defend the galaxy. And then you broke that vow to save yourself!"
Saren continued denying reality. "I am not doing this for myself! Don't you see? Sovereign will succeed. It is inevitable. My way is the only way that any of us will survive!" His voice took on a more magnanimous tone, "I am forging an alliance between us and the Reapers. Between organics and machines. And in doing so, I will save more lives than have ever existed!" The hairs on the back of Paul Shepard's neck rose as Saren finished. Sovereign's indoctrination has been working on Saren for longer than I knew. He truly believes what he's saying.
It seemed as though Saren's voice took on increasing anger as the turian went on. "But you would undo my work, Paul Shepard of the Systems Alliance. You would doom our entire civilisation to complete annihilation. And for that...you must die."
Paul broke from cover and fired the Sokolov as quickly as he could at the turian...
...
Kaidan stood to his feet wearily, still recovering from Saren's unexpected biotic assault. Paul supported the injured lieutenant on the Anti-Aircraft Tower as the Normandy approached. It was more of a shuffling gait for the pair of them as Paul too had been injured, but as they stumbled towards the Normandy, they could hear the blaring alarm of the STG explosive. The aerial platform Saren had used roared off into the distance. Paul Shepard knew too well that this wouldn't be the last he saw the last of the former Spectre.
...
One massive explosion broke his dream cycle entirely. Paul Shepard instantly sat upright in the bed, cold sweat running along his ribs and arms as the human Spectre gasped for breath. Virmire. He swept his legs out from the bed and stood up, shaking his head as he walked to the bathroom a moment later. He suddenly paused as he looked at his reflection in the mirror. The facial scars of his reconstruction were healing, gradually. The emotional scars never truly healed, though.
Paul Shepard knew he was not the same man who had gone to Virmire and expected everyone to get out alive. He was not the same man who had told Williams that he was going to rescue her...and ultimately, he was not the same man who had failed in that goal.
Kaidan Alenko was alive because of Paul's choice. Ashley Williams was not.
You could only have saved one of them. A voice seemed to say from Paul's subconscious mind. Ashley gave her life in the service of others. She died bringing Saren's twisted experiments to an end. Without her, you would not have succeeded.
Virmire never truly went away in Paul Shepard's mind. The shadow remained, strong, constant... It was a bitter reminder of his worst moment as an Alliance officer. Compared to Virmire, the pain from Akuza was little more than a thumbtack poking his palm.
Paul sighed again as he looked at the clock on his bathroom counter. He'd been asleep for over seven hours. The galaxy never truly slept. A pang of guilt, mixed with no small amount of sorrow, ran through Shepard as the memories of Virmire finally ran their course in his mind. Guilt also ran through his mind as he remembered the other woman in that dream. Liara T'Soni, why haven't we talked at all? If she was truly a good information broker, she had to know that he was alive by now.
He opened his personal console a moment later and began typing a message to the e-mail address she'd used in the days immediately after the attack on the Citadel, before the destruction of the Normandy...before his death.
There had been enough silence between them.
Paul knew in his heart there were some things best forgotten. His relationship with Liara T'Soni was not one of them.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I wish this had happened. I really do. While I've seen Liara referred to as "present but unavailable", it never really struck me as right. Really? She went to an insane effort to save Commander Shepard from death itself, and you don't even get the courtesy of a Horizon-esque conversation with her in Mass Effect 2? Really? Let me know what you think of this: it's a bit of a change from my normal chapters and takes place between Mordin's and Archangel's recruitment missions.
TO: Liara T'Soni
FROM: Paul Shepard
SUBJECT: What I've Been Up To
MESSAGE SENT: 0945, August 2nd, 2185
Liara.
I don't know how to bring this up. I wish I'd sent this e-mail a week ago. Or better yet, the second I woke up. I haven't. I don't have any excuses for that, aside from that I'm once again on a mission where I'm dealing with the usual suspects (you know, a lot of crazy and not much time for rest in between).
I miss you. I've got to be the worst bondmate in the world for not sending this to you sooner. I don't have an excuse for that, again.
I love you, and I hope to see you soon. You're on Ilium, and I'm on Omega right now, but that won't last. As soon as I've recruited our last specialist on Omega, I'm off to Bekenstein. One of my crew has a fairly urgent matter that she'd like me to help her out with. I could definitely use your help, and, just maybe if you're in the area...
You're busy. I understand. It's been two years. I understand that as well. I died. I don't quite understand how Cerberus 'undid' that part, but you have no idea how glad I am to be alive again. I'm not sure what you did for me in the last two years, Liara T'Soni, but I can't thank you enough for it. From what Miranda Lawson says, she wouldn't have been able to bring me back from the dead if you hadn't helped her out.
Thank you for everything, Liara. Hope to see you soon,
Paul Shepard