14. I'm sorry.

POV Chikane

First the time in my life, I did not think about the consequence of my behavior, for once I did what I really want. I was weird to act so freely without carrying about everything. I kissed Himeko because I loved her, it was my first kiss, I did not wat to do, I just caress her lips against mine. Why her? She was very different, yes strange but she was kind and…she shone like a sun. Her light was strong and warm that's almost blind me, I wanted to watched even if I had to lose my sight. Even if she honestly said what was in her mind, it was refreshing, I was not use with emotions and feelings, it was a foreign word.

Love… except from my father I never received to somebody else, when some students confess their feelings for me, it was like an illusion. They loved a person that never exist, perfect, proud without any flaws. I was not like that, I was shy, I hated that people talk behind my back that they called me a princess. I was not a princess, I did not deserve that title, I was only Chikane.

Because my father had money, people only cared about power and reputation. And I become what they expected from me. And she arrived in my life, she did not care about my name or money. She called my name and not Himemiya-sama. Chikane…I almost forgot it was my own name…and the blond reminded me I was human, that why I was angry against her, against myself. I wanted to be normal, to have a friend, a lover, to care about someone but I could not have any of these normal things. I stepped back, I realized I really kissed Himeko, my heart pounded furiously and I blushed. I had to apologize even if I was not sorry at all.

"I-'

"I'm sorry." She said and my heart broke in piece. I needed to tell her it was a mistake but not for me, I had to lie like I used to do but something change.

"I can't accept your feelings." She continued and I wanted to contain my tears, it hurt so bad to be reject…again…

"Why?" I closed my eyes when my voice shivered. I was ashamed of myself. How could I be devastated? She was a stranger! I lost my mind, that all, she helped with my mother and I was fragile.

"Why? Because I'm not normal? Or I'm rich? Or the princess or you simply hate me?" I firmly asked, she looked at me, she did not try to hide or to escape my questions. I hated! She did not pity me, she was not afraid of me, she looked at me as I was her equal.

"I'm not the person you need. You said you are abnormal but it's me who are weird." I frowned, I did not understand her words, did she play a game with me? Do I have to guess what was in her mind?

"What do you mean you are weird? Are you sick…or is there a problem with your body? Don't tell me you are a man and you look like a girl, even if it was the case, I don't care." I was telling the truth, if Himeko was a man, I still accept her. She sadly smiled and I breathed in pain.

"No, I'm a woman. I preferred to be like you than myself. I will be honest with you, you tell me your secret, I suppose it's normal to tell mine. I…do you remember that I have to reject someone, I asked your help because I think you were like me." I shook my head and she continued. "Chikane I can't accept your feelings or someone else because I can't let the other to suffer because of me."

"Suffer?" The blond sighed and she came closer to me, I stopped breathing when her face was in front of me. I nervously licked my lips when I noticed hers.

"Yes suffer, you had some need, I understand that. Everybody…had need…kisses are not always enough, I know that."

"You mean…need…that sort…of need." I gulped hard when she said it without shame.

"Sex, yes."

"I did not say I want sex with you. I said I'm in love with you. I mean…yes you are attractive, but I'm not ready to have…I, gosh…I have some issues to accept my body…not that…about the size or something like that…it's more than normal…I did not need to add that part…Ok, forget it. I'm not sure to be ready one day…I mean…to have sex...just talking about it…arg…I do not want to make you running away…" A finger softly touched my lips.

"I know, still, I can't be with you. You deserve to be with someone who will give you what you need."

"I say I did not need sex." I almost pouted, I was not a child, I knew what I want…I supposed…

"But you need to be loved and most of the relationship, after there is sex. I'm not the one for you." I growled, I was fed up with her words. Normally she was direct.

"Tell me you don't like me, I will leave you the hell alone."

"You don't get it. Ok, I will tell you why it's impossible for me to be with someone. I'm asexual. I can't love you." She said and the door bell rung.