I think an Iggy pancake would be a pancake entirely made out of bacon.
So. Early update. Not really, like a day, but whatever. Yawn. We're rolling right along here, huh? It hurts me (and at the same time makes me proud) to say that we've already past the halfway mark of this story. Shocking, I know. And I plan to end it with as many jokes and stupid stunts as there has been until now. I've already decided there's going to be a sequel, and I'll tell you all about that when the time comes :) I just want to thank everyone who has reviewed and gotten this story this far. So...keep it up, yeah? Enjoy the chapter. I hope you all like Loopy Fang.
"Fang."
Slap! Ow.
"Wake up."
Slap! Owow.
"Fang!"
Slap slap slap! Triple ow.
"You douche!"
SLAP!
Not. Very. Appreciated.
I opened my eyes to greet the wonderfully blurry world around me. I saw people. And trees. Ooh, look, a birdie. The sun was so bright! My head hurt…Eh, maybe I should go back so sleep…
"Ohmigosh FANG!"
So much for that plan.
I blinked my eyes slowly, trying to take in everything around me. I saw two girlish-like figures above me, and immediately thought that Max had found my Playboy stash and that I was in for a whipping. But no…they seemed to be yelling at me urgently, not angrily. Peculiar.
They were saying things…what were they saying? Everything was strained and blurred in all of my senses. It was like life took all noise, ran it through a blender, beat it with a mallet and then poured it through one of those weird bowls with holes in them. And I think I needed some glasses, because I could not see correctly. Even though everyone thinks I'm oh-so-graceful, I fall up the stairs just like everyone else now and then. I need to see to get my way around, which was why sometimes I think Iggy really is God.
Whoa, where was Iggy?
It all came rushing back to me. All of it, the bacon, the cliffs, the Erasers, the headache, and Zombie Iggy hit me in the brain. When was that? Like, five minutes ago? I was tired…talk about needing a power nap.
"Fang." A voice rang out, though it had that wishy-washy blender feel to it. I could tell it was my name, though. I have a cool name. I was pretty sure that it was Max talking, too. "Fang, can you hear me?"
Well no, my dear Maxie, no I cannot. Wait…yes, I can!
I blinked hard, but I felt like I was in one of those slow-motion parts of those action movies. Next Iggy would be dodging bullets and Gazzy would be wearing those sick black robe things from the Matrix. Max looked all blurry and unfocused…was that Nudge on the other side of me? Hm. Oh, Max was speaking again. It was becoming less blendery.
Where was my Advil? My head hurt.
"Fang, can you hear me?" Max repeated slowly. I told my head to nod, but nothing happened. I tried to raise my hand. Nada. I tried to open my mouth farther than its weird sleeping-face position. Nope. Could I close my mouth? Nuh-uh.
That was a problem. I was going to be catching flies.
I blinked hard again, trying to get everything to focus and epically failing. I let my eyes glaze over, because everything was blurry anyway and I was just so damn tired, but Max had other ideas. She always does.
"Fang." She spoke sternly. Her face was only inches from mine. If I didn't have the creeping feeling that I was dying, I would have quite enjoyed it. "If you can hear me, blink once, okay?"
Rabbit roasting on an open fire…Gazzy blowing up the house…
What? Oh, yeah. Blinking. Had to blink. This was no time for flock renditions of popular Christmas carols…though they were fun. When did blinking get so hard? No, no. I blinked, however suffering it was. I was lazy.
"Oh, good." Max slurred (actually, I think it was my brain slurring. Wake up, brain!). "He can hear us. Fang, blink again."
I oblidged.
"Okay…Fang, can you move? Blink once for yes and twice for no."
Nudge chattering on all night and all day, and Iggy making crème brûlée. Yum…
Curse you, the Christmas Song. What was I supposed to be doing again? Oh yeah, blinking. Wasn't too hard. One…two.
"Oh…Max, he can't move." Nudge muttered.
"I can see that." Max snapped. At least I could hear them almost normally now. Good job, brain. Is it possible to give your brain a pat on the back, or do you just give yourself one? "It's not really a surprise he can't move, though. Did you see how many tranquilizer darts there were? I pulled three out of his neck, and there were two on the ground. It's a wonder he's still alive."
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up. I thought there was only one dart, and I pulled it out before I conked like the awesome hero I am! What did that ugly Eraser do, shoot me four more times because he missed out on his quota?
Why wasn't I at the School?
"Iggy, how long were you guys out here?"
"I—I don't know. I woke up, and then stumbled back to the house for help because Fang wouldn't wake up. I don't remember."
Max hissed. "But you two imbeciles were gone since morning! We won't know what happened until Fang's coherent, and that could be ages with all those sedatives in him, and we don't have that kind of time!"
Max slammed her palm down on my chest, and Nudge shouted concerns as I blinked. Hm…that didn't hurt. Oh, there's the pain. Ow…
"Sorry, Fang." Max muttered.
I tried to say, "It's all right, Max, I love you," but it came out as "Murugh."
I'm so smooth.
"He's groaning!" I heard Nudge pipe up enthusiastically. "Max, he's groaning!"
You know, normally this wouldn't be a good thing, but I was willing to roll with it. I let my eyes flicker to Max, whom had her back turned to me. Suddenly she whipped around, and my head spun.
"Fang." She leaned down again, speaking slowly and clearly so that all idiots on sedatives, a.k.a me, could understand. Max is so helpful. "I need you to try to speak, okay? Just…tell me what happened."
"He's hardly going to be able to do that!" I heard Gasman now. Cool, the gang was all here.
"Okay, okay." Max growled. "Just tell us who hurt you."
Oh. That was an easy one. It was the Eras—
Everybody knows, some cookies and some mistletoe, will get Fang to second base tonight…
Heh. Heheheheheheh. It's just so dirty.
"Fang!" Max snapped. Oh, yeah.
"Wayurs." I moaned through my heavy lips. That's a weird thought. Do girls' lips get heavy from lipstick? Nudge seems to wear it a ton, it's kind of yucky…Max doesn't wear it though. Max is cool.
"What's he saying? I can't tell what he's saying!"
"Max, take a chill pill, you're going to give the guy a heart attack." Iggy huffed.
"I don't want to take a chill pill, I want to know what he's saying!"
"What if he's stuck like this forever Max that would be awful what would we do I mean we could stay here since Dr. M is a doctor well duh she's a doctor it's in her name—"
"Nudge, shut up." Max growled.
"He looks like he's going to puke, guys, shut up!" Gazzy snapped.
"You shut up!"
"QUIET!" Angel screamed, and if it weren't for the ringing in my ears and the whole immobility thing I would have hugged her and gave her everything she wanted for Christmas. "I'll just read his mind and he'll tell us."
"Great idea, Angel!" Gazzy cheered, and I smiled. You know, inside. I closed my eyes, thinking that if I could just chat in my head with Angel I wouldn't need to look at her, but Max whacked me on the leg.
"Don't you dare, mister." She threatened. She's hot when she threatens me. "You are going to stay awake, or I am going to murder you!"
Well that was harsh.
"He says that if you murder him then you'll be lonely and that he wouldn't be able to tell me who hurt him." Angel told Max, and she sighed, sitting back.
Ha. It's funny because that's not what I thought at all.
So, uh, Fang. Angel spoke inside my mind. What's up?
Not much, I thought. Just chilling out, paralyzed.
Angel seemed to be thinking, and then just asked me questions. You seem tired. Who hurt you, Fang? You're all busted up, but Iggy's fine. You protected him, didn't you?
Erasers. I told her. Zombie Iggy. We ran, and I tripped on a log. I beat the pants off of them, but there was one left, and…
I get it, Fang. Angel grimaced. I'll tell Max. You rest.
My pleasure.
"What's up, Ange?" Max asked, and the flock gathered around Angel and I again.
"He says that Erasers attacked them." Angel announced. "He ran, but Iggy was all zombified and couldn't move or something, and he tripped over a log and had to fight the Erasers. He beat them all up, but then one got him with the gun."
"But that doesn't explain why we're still here, or alive." Iggy spoke softly. "If they got Fang, and I was…unresponsive, they should have taken us…taken us back to…"
"But they didn't." Max growled, scratching her head. "And that doesn't make any sense. Why would they take the time to attack you, and to take Fang down, just to go off and get a coffee?"
I hoped it was Starbucks coffee.
"Fang says he doesn't know why." Angel offered.
Stop speaking for me! I yelled in my head, but then felt my headache creep back like a deranged stalker. Angel just smiled.
"Maybe they put a tracker on Fang, or something." Gazzy said. "So that they could get the rest of us."
"Like capturing them wouldn't be enough to get us to come to them. No, it doesn't make any flipping sense."
Tiny mutant kiddies, with their wings stretched out wide, will kick Eraser butt tonight.
I'm writing holiday gold here.
Whoa. Suddenly I felt very tired, and I felt another wave of the sedatives take over. I closed my eyes, blissfully becoming disconnected from the flock's quarreling.
In comes Max.
"Fang don't you DARE FALL ASLEEP!" She cried, sending her hand down toward my chest. I guess her aim was off, because instead of slapping my sternum, she biffed the side of my head, followed by cuffing my shoulder. But she hit my head. Right where my wound was.
In a flash, I couldn't see the flock anymore. It was all a bright white-hot pan of pain, and I felt my back arching as I screamed. Hey, I was moving!
Not really what I was aiming for.
Holy crap holy crap holy crap pain.
"Fang!" someone screamed, though I was totally not paying attention right about then. "What's wrong? Fang!"
"He's screaming!"
"No duh!"
The white canvas of ouchie started to melt away, and revealed the flock all standing with concerned looks plastered on their faces. I started gasping, pouring every last drop of my dwindling energy to force (damn it) my elbow back so that I could half-sit up. My muscles failed me, which is why my brain is my favorite organ right now, right after my tummy. Max and Gasser caught me, propping me up against a tree.
"What happened?" Gazzy asked fearfully, flopping my arm onto the ground. Thanks buddy…
"Awil." I moaned, tilting my head back in pain. "Awil."
"He wants his medicine." Angel told Max.
"Awil!" I nearly screamed, clenching my fists. Ugh, my head was splitting open! Make it stop make it stop!
Iggy dropped to his knees and reached into my pocket, pulling out the bottle of Advil. I swung my arm at it, but Iggy held it away from me and handed it to Max. I was getting to be more in control of my muscles, but unfortunately I couldn't be happy about that because everything hurt to freaking hell.
"Adwil!" I cried, holding my arm out to Max. Make it stop make it stop make it stop please! "Max, Adwil!"
Max looked from the bottle to me in a panic, and I could feel tears edging at my eyelids. She shook the bottle, and her eyes widened.
"Fang, how many of these have you taken?" she asked urgently. I didn't care. I needed it now.
"Adwil, Max!" I pleaded, starting to cry. The tears flowed down my cheeks, and everyone just kind of looked at me with WTF faces. "Pwueeze, Max! Pwueeze!"
Max stared at me with an equally WTF face, the Advil shaking in her hand. I starting shaking, just wanting the medicine, just wanting to make it stop!
"No." Max whispered. "No, Fang."
WHAT?
"Pwueeze, Max!" I sobbed. "It 'urts so bad, pwueeze."
"We're going to take you back to Dr. M's." she told me. "Advil won't help you."
Who said that? Advil would totally help! That's what it's supposed to do!
"Max, just give him the damn medicine!" Iggy shouted.
"Look at him!" Gazzy cried.
"Max." I stared at her, tears filling my eyes. This is the only freaking time she'd ever see me like this. It just hurt so badly! "Max."
Max looked like she might cry herself. "Nudge, help me."
Nudge and Max both each grabbed one of my arms, and the flock began to walk slowly as the two girls dragged me through the forest. Angel grabbed my hand, and I stopped the tears. I made a mental note to threaten Gazzy and Iggy to make them never speak of my tears again. Because Fang doesn't—
OW.
Oh, God.
"Max?" Angel's voice quivered. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block out the pain. It didn't work. "Fang's in serious pain."
"That's why we're going back to Dr. M's." Max spoke harshly.
"No…" Angel rasped. "He's…he's gonna…"
I thrust my body out of Nudge's grip and puked all over the ground. Nudge squealed and jumped out of the way.
"Oh my God!" She whimpered. "You almost got my shoes!"
Iggy grimaced. "That bad of a headache, huh? Maybe I need to rethink my recipe."
Max was still holding one of my arms, and she towed me a few feet away from my barf. "We need to hurry." She summarized. "Fang, can you make it back to the house?"
I nodded, closing my mouth and eyes. If I could close my nose and breath through my ears, I would have. I let Nudge and Max drag me, becoming as limp as I could, which wasn't really hard. Angel soothed me in my mind, and I almost fell asleep when I heard Gazzy thrust open the sliding glass back door. Max tugged me into the living room, and threw me on the couch. Nudge lifted my feet up.
Ooh, comfy couch.
I nearly clocked out right then and there, but Max, my angel who will not let me sleep, kneeled beside me and shook my arm.
"Dr. M's almost home from work." She said sternly, looking out the window at an oncoming car. "Don't fall asleep. Do you want to go into a coma?"
Not particularly.
"Fang, I'm sorry." She whispered.
"It's alwight." I whispered back, doing my best to smirk at her. She scoffed.
"Hey, Max?" Iggy spoke up, swaying on his spot in the middle of the room. "I'm not feeling as awesomely hot as usual."
"Did you guys get sick or something?" Max stressed.
"No…" Iggy blinked. "I—"
And he collapsed.
Again.
What a great day.
MAX
Oh come on!
Can't I get a break? No, I can never get a break! My boyfriend (kinda) was tranquilized on the couch, Iggy was collapsed on the floor, and now Angel was clutching her head. My. Life. Sucks.
"Doctor Martinez!" I roared in panic, my voice rising with each syllable. I swung my head around at each predicament, my brain overloading so much I thought I was going to explode.
"Angel, what's wrong?" Nudge asked, grabbing her shoulder.
Gazzy rushed over to Iggy and plopped down beside him. "Max, his eyes are open! Like, stuck open! Is he dead? MAX!"
"I'm gonna puke…" Fang groaned. Shit.
I chose the key issue at that moment: Iggy. I skidded on my knees across the carpet, landing beside Iggy's head. His eyes were open, like he was just 'looking' at the TV or something, but they seemed glossed over in addition to the usual cloudiness Iggy's eyes usually had. I took his shoulders and shook them hard. Nada.
Huh. Shaking usually worked…
"Max!" Angel cried, holding her head. "Don't do that! Please, get away from him!"
…Wha'?
"Get away!" Angel ordered, her eyes flashing. Gazzy and I quickly backed off, and Angel crouched next to Iggy. Fang sat up on the couch, stretching his limbs and pressing his palm into his temple. "Iggy…Iggy…"
"What's happening?" Gasman asked fearfully. Really, I wanted to know that too.
"There's something playing." Angel muttered. "Inside Iggy's head."
"Like YouTube?" Nudge quivered.
"Kind of." Angel closed her eyes. "Oh—oh! M—Max, get me paper! It's telling me to write it down!"
That's not weird. I snatched a notebook off of the coffee table (sorry, Ella) and threw it along with a pen at Angel. She grabbed them and sat criss-cross on the floor next to Iggy's head, his eyes still staring straight at the ceiling. It was seriously scary and unnerving. I shuddered, gathering Nudge into a hug nervously. Gazzy grabbed my hand, and Fang just stared.
Angel started to breathe heavily, writing faster than any six-year-old should be able to. Iggy's fingers were twitching, and I resisted the urge to run to him. His feet moved ever so slightly. What was happening, was he having a seizure or something? He…something was wrong! I had to do something!
"Angel!" I barked. My baby didn't respond for another three agonizing minutes, when she let loose a long sigh and dropped the pen, sagging forward. Iggy's hands were twitching now, and finally I moved forward to help. After grazing his fingers over my chin, Iggy blinked his eyes, squeezing my hand and letting me help him sit up.
"Wha'…Max?" Iggy bit his lip. "Did I pass out? I really got to rethink that bacon thing."
"No." I told him softly. What bacon thing? "No, you zombified again."
"What does that mean?" Iggy asked. His voice cracked.
"A—Angel?" Gazzy squeaked. "What happened?"
Angel grimaced, looking right at Iggy and I. She gathered the notebook in her hands, furrowing her eyebrows with worry. I knew that look. She was debating whether to tell us or not. Not on my watch.
"Angel." I warned, holding Iggy's hand and steadying his shoulder. Angel closed her eyes for a minute, and then opened them, her piercing blue irises burning into me.
"We got a message." She deadpanned. "From Bob."
If you guys just went "Dun dun dun dun" in your head, I feel like I accomplished my goal. So, now we know what that weird freezing zombie thing was up with...kinda. Tell me what you think :) Reviews are delicious chocolate. And who doesn't like chocolate? So...review?