"My Mother"
By EsmeAmelia
Chapter 14
AN: Thanks all for reading and reviewing! Allow me to apologize yet again for taking so long to update...blame it on school.
Something cold, rough, and moist pressed against Padme's forehead, coaxing her back into consciousness. Her eyes slowly batted open, blinking rhythmically as the tiled ceiling of the Solos' living room gradually came into focus. Her head was pressed against something - something cushiony but firm, which inflicted pressure on the back of her head.
"Are you all right?" a voice said.
She knew the voice...but the identity of the voice seemed to be escaping her disoriented brain when part of it was still dragging itself out of unconsciousness...wait...she knew who it was...it was...it was Luke.
She lifted her head up slightly until Luke's figure entered her eyes. He was sitting on the sofa next to her, wiping her forehead with a damp cloth.
"Don't worry - I won't tell anyone that you fainted," he continued.
What...she fainted? For a very brief second, she felt only embarrassment, before the reason why she fainted returned to her head, before all that Luke told her came bombarding onto her mind, returning her to the sea of sorrow from the conversation.
"Here," Luke said gently as he pressed a glass of water into her hands. "Drink this - you'll feel better."
How would a glass of water make her feel better when her husband was gone? How could anything make her feel better when her husband was gone? Nevertheless, she still raised the glass to her mouth and allowed the cold liquid to flow down her throat.
"I'm sorry," Luke sighed with lowered eyelids.
Padme wanted to talk to him, but it seemed that her voice was missing, that it had gotten lost somewhere in the conversation or the faint.
"I shouldn't have told you everything at once," her son continued.
That statement stimulated her voice to return from wherever it had been hiding, though it was still weak and shaky. "D-don't be sorry." She swallowed another sip of water before continuing. "It's good that I know the truth."
Luke slowly exhaled through his nose. "I used to wonder why Obi-Wan told me that Vader murdered my father instead of the whole truth. Now I'm beginning to understand." He squeezed his mother's hand. "Sometimes the truth can be such a hard burden to know, and an equally hard burden to tell."
"But ultimately, you can't escape it," said Padme, squeezing his hand back. "Y-you couldn't escape the fact that he is your father...just like I can't escape the fact that he's dead."
"You're a strong woman, Mother," said Luke.
"Am I?" Padme said in a small voice. Her face was still, but her mind was crying in agony, full of tears that had lost their way to her eyes, instead collecting in the heart, where they could cause more pain than they would if they simply fell out of the eyes.
"Can I get you anything?" Luke asked.
Padme shook her head as her body shivered inside of her skin. She could have saved him. If she hadn't been frozen, she could have turned her husband back to the good side before he killed and tortured all those lives, before he destroyed his daughter's home, before he died. She searched her vague memories of the hospital, trying to remember exactly why she was dying, if she had any control over her situation, but nothing came to her. Was it the choke or her own broken heart? She could not remember, and yet a part of her was insisting that yes, she did have control, she had been choosing to die, and it was her choice that eventually killed Anakin.
Another part of her wanted to make that choice again, to leave this life and join with her husband, for she did not deserve to be alive, not when she had caused so much death and destruction. And yet, even in this moment of ultimate despair, the touch of her son's hand was ensuring that no, she would not be making that choice this time. This time, her full consciousness knew there was something else to live for.
She wrapped her arms around her son and buried her face in his chest.
Leia couldn't recall the last time a meeting had taken so long. In the literal sense of time, it had lasted as long as an average meeting would last, but in her mind, it had taken weeks, for her mother had been inhabiting her thoughts for the entire time. Now that the barriers between them had been broken, she had been anxiously awaiting the end of the meeting so that she could get home and see her mother again.
When she entered the apartment, it appeared that she was being greeted by an empty room, but the all-too-familiar feeling of a body grabbing her from behind quickly proved her wrong.
"The old hide-by-the-door-so-you-can-surprise-your-wife-with-a-pregnancy-hug trick, eh, Han?" she chided to her husband.
"Hey, it only lasts nine months, so enjoy it while ya can," Han chided back as he rubbed her stomach. Then, as an afterthought, he added, "How was your meeting?"
"Slow," replied Leia. "Where's Padme?"
Han slightly relaxed his grip on Leia's stomach, implying that her question had caused discomfort.
"Han?" Leia persisted. "Where's Padme?"
"Last I heard, she was showerin'," Han said uneasily as he released Leia completely.
A slight Force-reach into Han's mind told Leia why he was uneasy. "Luke told her?"
Han nodded.
Leia chewed on her lip. She could now feel that her mother was in deep grief. Grief for the man she still hated so bitterly. Now she would most likely want to talk about him, the thought of which punched her in the stomach. Her soul almost did not want to know what her father had been like when he was good - it might get her to start feeling something for him other than hatred, which would cause conflict with herself. Yes, she knew that Darth Vader became Anakin Skywalker again before he died, but try as she may, her heart could not accept that. Her heart didn't want to try to forgive her father for all that he had done - it wanted to believe that he was simply evil. She hated thinking in such shallow terms, but she could not ignore the feelings that existed within her, the scar on her spirit.
"You wanna try talkin' to her?" Han suggested.
Leia forced herself to nod. Although it would be difficult to talk about this, her mother needed her.
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Padme was in the bedroom, wearing Leia's bathrobe, her hair wrapped up in a towel. Her face was wet, whether from tears or simply from the shower, Leia couldn't tell. She was rubbing her head with the towel in a fierce, grinding motion, as though she was trying to use the towel to chip away her skin.
"Hello Mother," said Leia. The latter word had come out without any thought, a natural utterance as if she had been using it her entire life, which completely surprised her. She had expected that she would have had to struggle to call her mother by name the first time.
"Hello Leia," Padme replied stiffly, still rubbing the towel against her head.
A few moments of awkward silence followed before Leia said, "Are you all right?"
"I've been asked that question an awful lot lately," said Padme. "I'm getting a bit tired of it."
"Sorry," said Leia.
Neither mother nor daughter could think of anything more to say. The silence was back, but this time, it was not interfering but welcome - welcome because it appeared that there was nothing that could be said right now. Leia did not need Padme to tell her how she was feeling - she could feel it for herself. The despair over the loss of her husband and the deeds that he had done was flowing off Padme's body, being carried by the Force into Leia's senses. In her mind, she saw her planet being destroyed again, but this time at the hand of someone close to her. Was it Han? Luke? In the feelings, the identity of the killer could not be placed, only the cold betrayal, but Leia knew for herself who it was. The betrayed emotion was not hers - it was her mother's, and hence she was feeling the destruction from her perspective, the betrayal from her perspective, and the death of the killer from her perspective. From her Force senses, Darth Vader was not the evil, soulless figure that she had always known him to be, but something...else: something she did not want to name.
Padme walked up to her daughter, hesitant at first, but as she came closer her footsteps quickened. She continued until she was just inches away from Leia, close enough that Leia could smell her shampoo. The scent triggered thoughts of showering with Han, kissing while immersed in the hot water and steam, which helped her relax as Padme stared at her with desperate eyes, appearing that they wanted strength from Leia, strength she didn't know she could offer.
Her mother's body seemed to fall forward, passively allowing gravity to take it down, but knowing that something would block its way to the ground. Leia's body became a shield, saving her mother from both physical and emotional harm as it stopped the fall. Both the mother and the daughter flung their arms around each other's bodies, clutching each other with a tightness shared in only the most intimate of embraces, an embrace that lingered without time, soothing the souls when words could not be found.
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Night soon arrived. Luke and the droids went home, promising to visit again tomorrow. Soon after they left, Leia declared that, given the circumstances, it would be best for the sleeping arrangements to remain as they were last night - she and Padme would share the bed and Han would have the sofa.
"I'm sorry, Han, but she needs me right now," Leia said before retreating to the bedroom.
"Hey, don't worry," said Han, "I'll be fine. After all, sleepin' on the sofa for three nights in a row never killed anyone. Might have given them lingering headaches and fixed it so their joints would never function right again, but it never killed 'em."
Leia snickered. "Now come on, I've seen you on the sofa during the night and you look quite comfortable."
"Well, appearances can be deceiving, 'specially in one's sleep," said Han. "You should've seen yourself on the night you found her - you looked like you didn't have any concerns in that chair."
Leia smiled at her husband. "How about this? Whenever you get your side of the bed back, I owe you an entire night of lovemaking - or at least lovemaking for as long as we can stay awake. Think that'll help ease your complaining?"
Han found himself grinning at that suggestion. "It might."
"All right, then," said Leia. She kissed her husband's lips. "Sleep well, Han."
"I'll try, but I can't make any promises," said Han. He gave her his own kiss on the lips. "Night, honey."
Once she was gone, Han let out a heavy groan as he collapsed on the sofa. Another night. Another night alone on this uncomfortable "bed" with the stiff cushions and the arms that inflicted pain in his head and neck. He thumped his pillow with his fist in shallow hope that this action might make it soft enough to shield his head from the arm, but once he lay down on it he saw that he had no luck. The sofa arm still stuck up, molding the pillow around it and returning the soreness to Han's head and neck. He grumbled to himself. What the hell was the point of a pillow if it didn't protect him from this rock-hard arm?
He wrapped the covers around his body, but there was still an annoying chill in the air. Maybe it was because he was used to being in bed with another body that could provide warmth. How easy it was to become spoiled. Come on, he told himself. After all, he had slept alone for many years before he got married. Still, he had a feeling that even his bunk on the Falcon was more comfortable than this.
And then there was the silence. No breathing from Leia, no creaking of mattress springs as Leia turned over, no one to talk to until they fell asleep. It amazed Han how much he was missing her presence.
She's probably chit-chatting with Mama, having the time of her life, he thought bitterly.
He would sleep eventually, he knew that. He had somehow gotten to sleep the previous two nights, after all, but these wakeful moments before that time just seemed to be staring at him, mocking him, taunting his inability to sleep. It seemed that years of darkness teasing him passed before he finally fell asleep.
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THUD!
Huh? What happened? Han flailed his limbs around, trying to orient himself, feeling hardness against his body and something twisted around his legs, seeing nothing but darkness. It passed through his mind that he might be dreaming about that first moment after waking from carbon freeze again, but he dismissed that possibility when he realized there was no freezing cold or nauseating sickness. But then, what was going on? It wasn't until his eyes adjusted to the dim light when he got an idea where he was.
He was on the living room floor...tangled up in a blanket...in the middle of the night...the last thing he remembered was...falling asleep on the sofa.
Suddenly wide awake and aware of several sore bones, Han felt rage build up in him. This was it. Falling off the sofa in his sleep was going over the limit. What right did Padme have to take his side of the bed, anyway? Did Leia even have the dignity to ask him if it would be all right? Of course not. Her Worship just expected him to go along with it like a good subject.
Well he would show her. He wasn't going to let her push him around any longer. Padme should be the one on the sofa, not him. And if she needed Leia so much, then maybe Leia could sleep on the floor next to her dear Mommy. Han scrambled to his feet, intent on telling her that and demanding his side of the bed back right now. Maybe being woken up in the middle of the night would knock some sense into both his wife and their guest.
The hard floor felt like ice under Han's bare feet as he made his way to the bedroom, but he was barely aware of it, or at least trying to be. He tried not the let the icy feel remind him of carbon freezing and induce guilt feelings for demanding that Padme move to the sofa. Carbon frozen or not, she still took his side of the bed without permission.
Once he reached the bedroom door, he was about to push the button to open the door, fully ready to shout at the two women in there, when he heard something. A voice - an agonized female voice - coming from behind the door. He found himself pressing his ear against the door, probably more out of curiosity than anything else.
"He can't be gone!" the voice screamed in a sob-filled voice. "He can't be!"
Han now recognized the voice to be Padme's, and he figured that "he" was most likely her husband, also known as the second-most evil person in the galaxy, second only to the Emperor, and now an awkward subject to discuss, due to the fact that his wife and brother-in-law were the offspring of that very thing he despised. How could she be grieving that thing? Yeah, Darth Vader supposedly used to be on the good side, but Han had difficulty believing that. No one with any good in them would put someone on a torture machine for the sheer fun of it.
How could Padme be crying about him? She had appeared to be a pretty sensible person, but how could anyone with any sense like that thing, love that thing, marry that thing? He kept his ear pressed against the door, suddenly forgetting the reason why he had come to the bedroom, now only interested in what was going on behind the door.
Leia was talking now, hesitantly, as though she was unsure what to say, which was certainly unusual for Han's self-assured wife. He strained his ears and concentrated on making out what she was saying.
"Mother...it will be all right," he heard her say.
Padme sniffed loudly two or three times before speaking again. "You don't know."
"I don't know what?" said Leia.
Padme sniffed again. "Well...maybe you do know a little. After all, your whole planet was destroyed...but then again, not at the hand of your husband." Her voice sped up its tempo. "You still have your husband, he's not going to change into something evil, he's not going to slaughter innocent lives and then tell you that he's doing it all to save you, you don't have the burden of being responsible for the crumbling of the Republic and millions of deaths!" She broke into a series of quick, gasping breaths.
Han then heard footsteps - possibly Leia's - followed by a gradual slowing of Padme's breathing.
"You're right, I don't know," Leia said softly. "I don't know what it's like to have an evil husband...but I do know what it's like to have an evil father."
Padme's breath quickened again. "I didn't have an evil husband - I had a wonderful husband who became something else." She sounded like she was sucking her breath in through her teeth. "Ooooohhhh, you don't understand - you only saw what he became," she said in a frustrated voice, followed by a slight pause. "You hate him, don't you?"
Han listened intently for Leia's response, but no response came.
"You wish Bail Organa was your real father, don't you?" Padme continued.
There was still no response from Leia. Han considered opening the door and revealing that he had been eavesdropping, which would save her from this more-than-awkward moment, but his hand couldn't move, for his brain's attention was still focused on what was being received from his ear.
"I don't blame you, Leia," Padme said softly between sniffs. "If I were in your situation, I would hate him too."
Finally Leia spoke. "I'm...I'm sorry, Mother," she said in a voice that sounded like she was about to break down crying herself. "I'm sorry, but I can't deny it. He's done too much to me and the people I'm close to."
More footsteps followed - Han guessed them to be Padme's, though he didn't claim any expertise on the art of identifying people by the sounds of their footsteps.
"Leia," Padme said in a voice that sounded like it was trying to muster up strength, "your father was a kind, compassionate man. He was not the monster you know him to be."
"I know," Leia said in a less-than-convincing voice.
Another few moments of silence followed before Padme spoke again.
"Your husband..." she said. "...he reminds me of Ani."
"What?" Leia exclaimed.
What? Han exclaimed in his head. Now this was too ridiculous. Not only did she marry that demon of a man, but now she was saying that he, Han Solo, reminded her of Darth Vader? Han thought for a moment that the carbon freeze must have done something to her brain, but then the sound of her voice distracted him.
"I know, you must think it sounds crazy, but he does."
"Well don't tell him that," said Leia. "If Han knew that you thought he was like Vader..."
Oh, the irony, Han thought.
"He's not like Vader," Padme insisted. "Ani is not Vader."
"Whatever," said Leia, clearly losing patience even though she was trying to show compassion to her mother. "Can you at least tell me why Han reminds you of him?"
Han pressed his ear against the door to the point of discomfort.
"That story he told me," Padme began. "The one about the record he set in the Kessel Run...it's the sort of thing Ani might have done. He loved flying, taking risks, exploring his potential. For him, life was an adventure. Although he belonged to the Jedi, one of the most restricted orders in the galaxy, his spirit could not be held back."
Han was beginning to feel disgusted to hear Darth Vader described as some sort of free young thrill-seeker. That creature sought out too many thrills, like the thrill galaxy domination.
"Well...Han's like that too, except for the part about belonging to a restricted order...but he gets into quite a bit of trouble for it sometimes," Leia said, sounding unsure what to make of this.
"So did Ani," said Padme. "He was often called 'reckless' by his mentors, but from his point of view, his mentors simply didn't know how to have fun. For him, life was something to be enjoyed."
Han's ear was now tingling from the pressure on it, but he still refused to move it. His ear, his head, his entire body was still, waiting for more, stuck in the lingering silence between statements.
Someone - it sounded like Leia - gave a slight sigh. "Mother..." she said carefully, "...what did you mean when you were talking about being responsible for the downfall of the old Republic and the loss of millions of lives?"
Padme sniffed yet again as her breath increased its speed, sounding like she was trying to prevent herself from crying again. "I'm the reason he turned to the dark side," she choked. "He...he thought he was receiving premonitions about my death...and..."
"And he thought the dark side could save you?" finished Leia.
Padme made a noise that sounded like she was drowning and struggling for air. "It was me...I caused it..." She then sounded like she was swallowing a cough, followed by several swift breaths. "He...he must have gone the rest of his life thinking I was dead..."
Han's stomach churned slightly as Padme's breath gradually slowed out of audibility.
"What was it like..." she pondered in an eerily steady voice, "...to be trapped in that suit...to have your mind viciously manipulated...to believe that all you loved was dead...and think that you had sacrificed your identity for nothing..."
Han shook slightly. He felt his blood flowing at an abnormally fast speed, and there was a tingle in his entire body, not just the part that was pressed against the door.
Leia's voice spoke up. "Mother..." she said, "...come back to bed ."
The sounds of two pairs of feet walking at the same time followed, one pair growing softer as it increased its distance from the door, and another pair growing louder as it moved closer to the door.
"Han," a fierce whisper suddenly hissed from right behind the door, "you go back to bed too."
"All right," Han whispered back to his Force-sensitive wife. He should have figured that she would be able to feel his presence behind the door, but fortunately, she seemed to have too much on her mind to be angry at him.
He yawned as he made his way back down the hall. Why did he go to the bedroom in the first place, anyway? Oh right, he was going to demand that Padme give him back his side of the bed. He supposed that he could still do that, but somehow it didn't matter so much to him anymore after hearing Padme's devastation.
When he reached the living room, he gathered his blankets off the floor and threw them back on the sofa, letting them land however they wanted to. He didn't care if they were twisted around each other - all he wanted right now was to get some sleep and clear his mind. Darth Vader...a tragic figure. Darth Vader...deeply loved by someone else. Darth Vader...once like him.
As he climbed into bed, he heard the sinister breathing in his head...saw the expressionless black mask...felt the stings of the torture...but he also heard Padme's sobs...her descriptions of his youth...her questions about his tragedy...
Shouldn't be thinking about this at night, he thought to himself. He sank his head into the pillow, again landing on the rock-hard arm, but this time he barely noticed it, for, thankfully, sleep came almost instantly.