Here I am, lying awake, back to staring at my dumb ceiling fan. Round and round it goes.

I've been trying to will myself into sleep, to no avail. My mind is racing, my frustration growing. Why can't I just get over it? Why can't I just forget it? Why did they have to die? Why wasn't I good enough for Jake? Why did Mike do that to me? Why can't my mind stop?

I throw myself forward out of bed. I manage to find my socks, some shorts, and a shirt in the dark and speed dress. I grab my shoes and run down the stairs. I sit to put on my shoes and glance at the clock. 1:21 am. I grab my keys and walk out the door.

I reached the parking garage, slipped into my car, and disappeared into the night. Driving always seemed to calm me…I'm not sure why. I let the roads take me where I needed to go, and I let the speed consume me. I wasn't paying attention to time, or where I was going…but oddly enough I found myself driving in a round about way towards the cemetery where my parents were buried. I didn't stop myself…instead I inched the pedal down more to reach it faster.

My lights flashed against the sign, and the gate that was locked. I parked down the street and made my way back towards the gate, looking around to make sure no one was around. I walked up to the gate and noticed the barbed wire. Luckily there was a service gate not far down from the entrance that had a lock on it. But the barbed wire seemed a little bent on the gate so I got an idea. I ran back down to my car and grabbed a thick blanket in the trunk that Jake had given me and ran back up to the service gate. I climbed up the chain link part with the blanket wrapped around my neck like a scarf and also holding onto it with my teeth. I held on with one hand, and maneuvered the blanket around the barbed wire and back to me. I held onto the ends of the blanket and jumped down, bending the barbed wire down. I did this over and over until one side of the service gate was completely flat. I nicked my hands a couple of times, but I didn't care. I was determined to get over. I then put the blanket over the top of the fence and climbed over. I made my way down the winding one-way roads till I reached my destination. I made my way to two gravestones I had never seen, but could never forget where they were.

My knees gave and hit the ground…submitting to my pain. Tears rolling down my cheeks.

"Why did you have to die? I miss you…we were supposed to do so many things. You were supposed to teach me so much more…I'm not ready. I can't do this. I don't want to be here anymore. How do I live my life without you two here? How do I even live my life with everything that has happened…all of this anxiety. I don't know who I am yet; I didn't get to know you as other than my parents. I'm sorry…I'm sorry for not taking advantage of the time we could've and should've had. I don't know what I'm doing…I don't know what to do. I'm lost. My friends hate me…Jake…I don't even know if we are together. I don't even know if you two really liked him. I thought you did…but I was probably too blind and selfish to even notice how you felt. I'm failing school. I know Dad…I'm better than this. I've given myself enough guilt trips about it. I thought I was making new friends, one in particular…I think I blew it. They were different…sincere. I've never had that. And Kale…I was horrible to Kale. You deserve better than me…they all deserve better than me. I can't stop my anxiety anymore. It's getting worse. It's crippling me. I'm tired. I'm so damn tired…I find myself thinking that I don't care what happens to me…that everything and everyone would be better...if it was over. I need you. Help me. Please help me."

I sat there crying until there were no more tears to escape. Knees numb and sore from kneeling for what seemed like hours, I pushed back onto my heels to stand. I looked at my parents' grave, "I love you."

I turned and tiredly walked through the graves and to the service gate that I had destroyed. I climbed up the chain link and was coming over the other side when my foot slipped and I grabbed at the blankets to not fall. The blankets ripped and I was still falling. Luckily I landed on my feet, but the blankets were a lost cause. I looked at them for a minute contemplating whether I should climb up and undo it or leave them. There's no way I'm going to be able to loop those blankets back through without wire cutters or tearing up my hands more, and I really don't want to risk getting caught. I'll take care of it tomorrow. Goodbye blankets! I ran back to my car and jumped in. I sat on the cold leather seat, thinking about my parents. I turned the key and drove away, praying for help. All I could think about was how I just want to be better. Kale deserves better, my parents deserve better, and the Cullens especially Rosalie deserves better. I owe her and Kale an apology. Something.

I checked the clock and it said 4:23. I made my way back to my apartment; luckily the car ride back only took about fifteen minutes since I knew where I was headed.

I parked my car and made my way to the elevator. I got in and pressed the button for the 23rd floor, and that's when I noticed how badly I had scratched up my hands and arms. Mostly long red scrapes, with a handful of deeper slashes that had dried. As I looked at them and touched them, the pain started to set in.

The door dinged, and I stepped out and walked to my door. Unlocked it and went in. I ran up to my bathroom, and opened up my medicine cabinet. Just to be safe, I ought to clean out the deeper cuts. I opened up the hydrogen peroxide and grabbed a washcloth. I took a deep breath and applied the hydrogen peroxide drenched washcloth to my arms as thoroughly as I could so I wouldn't miss anything. The pain was agonizingly sharp. I grabbed some Band-Aids and applied them to handful of deep cuts: one on the base of my right thumb, one on the back of my right hand, and two on my right forearm. They will heal fine, and with maybe only one actually scarring.

I threw all my clothes into the dirty clothes and my shoes back into my closet. I threw on a tank top and collapsed onto my bed. What a day. My head hurts. Actually…my whole body, no, being hurts. But tomorrow is a new day…and as the ceiling fan lulled me to sleep, I kept a prayer in my heart for a better day…a better me.