Chapter 14
Paul then told me everything about being a wolf and when he had shifted it was kind of an amazing story. "Wow, so you're like a super hero," I told him.
He chuckled weakly, "I guess," he shrugged.
I leaned against him, "Why did you tell me then? I mean you being a wolf isn't exactly an excuse for me to stay…" I trailed off being the pessimistic person I had become.
"I was getting to that," he sighed.
"Okay, with being a wolf comes this thing called imprinting, it's where when a wolf looks into his soul mate's eyes he imprints her. Nothing else in the world matters, she is the gravity that holds him to Earth. All he wants is to see her happy. It can come in many forms, as a best friend, brother, or even lover," he told me.
I was starting to piece it together now, "Sam and Emily, Kim and Jared…" I started.
"Quil and Claire, Jake and Nessie….and Seth and Ari…" he whispered.
I sucked in a deep breath at that, how Seth had disappeared, "Seth…" I whispered understanding now why Paul got angry when Seth and Ari first met, why Ari had such a deep attachment to him, and why he had looked worse off than Paul and I did…when she….left.
"I know, he's the first one to lose an imprint," Paul said softly.
I shook my head tears streaming down my cheeks for him, "I hate the idea of them, but…I know he would have loved her….and…." I started to cry and Paul pulled me into a tight hug.
"But the reason for this story isn't about them," he told me gently wiping at my eyes.
I sniffled knowing what was coming next, "I…" Paul started nervously and I waited for him to tell me he imprinted me.
"I… um….well…" he tried to continue.
He then tried again and failed, as if something was keeping him from saying it, "I know what you're going to say, Paul, you can say it," I encouraged.
He took a deep breath before whispering so soft I barely heard it, "I imprinted you," he said.
I smiled at him, and reached up and stroked his face with my thumb, "Is this my excuse to stay?" I whispered.
He nodded blushing a bit, and I pulled him into a hug, "I love you too, you know, it's not a one sided thing," I told him honestly.
"But…" he started.
"That's why I went to Texas, I figured out that I was using Aaron as an excuse not to do something stupid like kiss you. I felt like I was betraying my sister, that's what I didn't say in that fight," I told him.
"Y-you love me too?" he whispered.
"Definitely, have for a while, I just…haven't been ready, but now….I feel ready, ready to start a relationship with you, ready to start a life with you," I whispered.
The way his face lit up in a smile, I knew it was a real smile, the first one I'd seen on his face since 'the day' and I knew a very similar smile was on my face, "I'd like nothing more," he replied leaning over and kissing me.
I kissed him back passionately and I actually felt happy for the first time since 'the day'. Paul and I went back to his house so we could….as Paul put it make out on his bed, after making out for who knew how long I picked up the phone and called my mom and told her simply, "Paul and I are in love, we're dating and will get married soon, we just wanted to go on a few dates before he proposed…"
She was ecstatic at the thought of me getting married before she realized it was Paul, then she wasn't so ecstatic, but I told her we'd discuss it some other day. Today was going to be just Paul and me.
We spent most of the day making out not going to lie, we'd sit down and try to start talking then either he or I would get distracted by the other's lips and would lose concentration and lean over to kiss the other….and it just went downhill from there. I had never been one to just want to make out constantly with someone, or….even make love with him, and honestly I had never even optioned doing that with Aaron until we got married, but that night when we got in bed and he kissed me goodnight, I wasn't so sure I wanted to wait till we got married and that was something I was so sure about for so long.
"Paul," I hissed at him from under the covers ten minutes after we said goodnight.
"Yeah?" he mumbled kissing my head.
I blushed we'd been dating for a total of probably 12 hours….and I was already getting nosey. "How many girls have you slept with?" I whispered softly.
He was silent, "Does it matter?" he asked nervously.
"I still love you, I just…well….was curious…." I whispered.
He sighed and I could feel him play with my hair a nervous habit he had since I started sleeping in his bed. "I don't really know," he whispered sounding a bit ashamed.
I sucked in a deep breath, that wasn't exactly the answer I wanted. "Oh," I replied.
"I haven't even kissed a girl since I laid eyes on you though," he replied softly.
That made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside at that, even though I couldn't say the same, but then again I'd never slept with anyone. "Really? No one?" I replied.
"Nope," he said shyly.
I smiled, "That makes me feel special," I told him honestly.
"Because you are special…how many guys have you slept with?" he asked me nervously.
I turned over not sure how Paul would feel about my answer. I was a virgin, and I knew he and I had very different morals, but what if he thought I was inexperienced or stupid, or what if he laughed at me…or even worse started pressuring me. I was already thinking about doing that with him after 12 hours of dating him, I would fall into those pressures way too easily and break the promise I've had since I was a little girl.
"It can't be more than me…." he joked poking my back slightly.
I shook my head no burying it in my pillow. "Come on, I was honest with you," he told me.
"You didn't give me a number," I retorted.
"Fine, 43," he whispered.
I turned around to stare at him wide-eyed, "43," I hissed.
"I'm not proud of it or anything," he said embarrassed.
"How has it not fallen off?" I joked.
He tickled me at that response, "Because I hadn't met you yet obviously," he joked kissing my cheek as I giggled, "You're turn," he told me.
"No, I'm tired, I'm going to bed," I replied rolling over and hiding under a pillow in which he grabbed me and pulled me onto his chest.
"I told, now you tell," he replied.
"I don't want to," I whined.
"Fine, okay I'll guess, so obviously that deusche Aaron, then there was probably some angry revenge sex when he cheated on you, so two, you're quite wholesome so there was probably only 5 guys in that two year time span, and I think you lost your virginity to Aaron, so my guess is 7?" he asked.
I shook my head no, "Damn, I thought I was right, am I close?" he asked.
I shook my head no, "50!" he joked knowing that wasn't it, and I shook my head no.
"Just tell me," he begged.
I sighed, "You promise you won't laugh?" I whispered shifting uncomfortably.
"I'll only laugh if you tell me that you slept with more guys than I've slept with girls, because we both know your too wholesome for that," he told me jokingly.
I sighed, and looked down at his chest and started to twirl one of his chest hairs to distract myself, "Jazzy, it's me, I have no room to judge you, I'm not going to care I promise," he told me.
I sighed, "Zero," I whispered.
He was silent and for a moment I wondered if he'd heard me, but then I knew he had to have heard me because shifter hearing and all. "Really?" he whispered softly.
I just nodded refusing to look at him, "Jazzy, look at me," he begged and I shook my head no, "Jazzy," he pleaded once more and I looked over to meet his beautiful green eyes, and was shocked to see the biggest smile on his face.
He pulled me into a kiss and I melted as I always did, when he released me a bit dazed, he whispered to me, "I'm the luckiest man alive, and I am beyond happy that I am going to be your first. I didn't even think that was a possibility, I mean I hoped silently, but I didn't think, wow, Jazzy, I'm so happy, I mean I would have been no matter what, but that just makes me even more, just wow," he whispered in my ear his voice ringing with happiness.
"Really? You aren't upset that I don't know what I'm doing or….I mean you are so experienced…" I whispered.
"Jazzy, I've had sex before, I have NEVER made love before, it's going to be a first to both of us," he told me.
"Paul, be serious please," I begged.
"I am serious! Jazz you think too much, seriously, I'm beyond thrilled," he told me pushing the hair out of my face.
"I just want to make you happy," I whispered.
He chuckled, "Jazz, you're my imprint, we're made for each other," he reminded me.
I smiled a bit at that reassurance and snuggled against him, "Thank you," I told him.
He kissed me gently, "Thank you, and Jazz?" he whispered.
"Yeah?" I asked him.
"I don't care if you rip your clothes off right here and now and jump on me, I refuse to devirginize you till our wedding night, I want to do something right," he told me honestly.
"Really now, is that a challenge?" I asked him.
His eyes grew big, "Please don't challenge me, I really want to do this, and the less temptation the better," he pleaded and I started laughing before I kissed him deeply.
"Thank you, that is kind of a promise I made to myself since I was a little girl," I told him.
"It's a beautiful promise," he told me kissing my cheek.
It was silent for a bit before I couldn't help but ask, "Paul, why did you….sleep with so many girls?"
He sighed, "I knew this was coming," he mumbled before moving me a bit so he could look at me.
"You really want to know my sob story?" he asked me.
I nodded, "Okay, fine, so I grew up in a horrible environment, my father was a drunk and he would often beat my mother who was a heroin addict, and she'd go missing for weeks at a time and when she went missing I received her daily beatings. I was twelve when she ran off for good, can't say I blame her. She wasn't very reliable to begin with. I grew up with my parents telling me they hated me and that I was the reason for their addictions, that I destroyed their life. When my mom left dad told me I was the reason she left…as I grew older I was told I was a failure at everything, that I was unlovable, and when I grew up I could expect to be just like my father, so I went to high school and my parents weren't exactly ugly so I got 'good' genes I guess you could say. Girls found me attractive, especially older girls, and I remember as a freshman losing my virginity to a senior. When she had sex with me, I felt this high that I never had before. I didn't exactly feel loved as she assured me it was just a learning experience, but…I felt happy. I continued the pattern after that always making sure to use a condom at the very least. When I shifted I was the ass hole of the pack, I was trouble. I was angry at the world, and Sam forbid me from fucking girls which was my only out for my pain. It was my stress reliever I guess you could say. After a year and I didn't imprint he gave up and that was actually when your sister happened, I had a bit too much fun with her involving a chase and everything, I regret it now, but…yeah. Anyways, after she left I went about my usual ways fucking girls often, not as often as before because I wasn't completely heartless, what if I did imprint, so it was mostly when I was just at a loss and needed an out….so yeah," he said awkwardly sounding embarrassed.
I stroked his hair slightly, "No one can blame you for that," I told him.
He gave me a weak smile, "I do, every time I look at you, I think about how all those girls meant absolutely nothing and gave them a piece of me, and they did nothing to deserve that," he told me.
I shook my head at him, "You didn't know me then," I reminded him.
"But I knew there was a chance I would someday," he said softly.
"But I wasn't there," I argued.
"I'm sorry," he replied.
"Don't be, tell me about your father…is he still alive…do you ever see him?" I asked him.
"He's alive, and as drunk as ever, one of my activities during my hourly walks is to go pick him up out of his own puke, it's going to sound so stupid after everything he's ever put me through, but I just wish that one day maybe when I laid him down in his bed after cleaning him up he'll look up at me and say, "Thank you." I don't expect an I love you and definitely not an I'm sorry. I'm not lovable, and I'm the reason he is the way he is…but…" he started and I punched his arm shutting him up.
"You are lovable, and you certainly aren't the reason he is the way he is! He did that to himself! YOU had NOTHING to do with it, Paul Lahote, you were simply a casualty in his downfall," I argued.
Paul looked at me tears in his eyes, "I know that, Jazz, I just don't believe it, there is a difference. I just I fear becoming like him, I haven't touched a bottle of alcohol, but when I lost Ari…I considered picking up the bottle to numb the pain, but then I looked at you, and I knew I couldn't. I couldn't do that to you. It would be so easy you know, I have the anger, his looks, and probably his alcohol tolerance…." he whispered.
"You are not him, Paul! All you want in life is to be loved, and I'm sorry that you were failed in the department of parents, but let me tell you this I love you enough for both of them, myself, and anyone whoever told you that you were a failure. To me you are anything but. You have proved that in this last month more than ever, you have been supporting me through this being the strength when I know you are suffering just as much as I am. You are not a failure, you are a hero," I told him seriously tearing up as I spoke.
He sniffled making me believe he was crying as he pulled me closer to him and I clung to him, "Thank you, I don't know why or how you can love me, but you do, and I will be forever thankful for that," he whispered in my ear which made me lose it of course.
"Thank you for loving me, for seeing the beauty in me that I can't see, I will be forever thankful for that," I told him.
"I do love you Jazzlyn Eileen Lansing, I love you so freaking much, I don't know what to do with all this love, you are so damn beautiful and I don't know how you can't see that, but I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to make you not only see it but believe it," he told me before kissing me.
We did not make love that night, as much as both of us wanted to, but we did fall asleep in each other's arms, knowing that despite being polar opposites like fire and rain, we were made for each other. Despite the hardships that we knew we would face in the future, and the hardship of losing our daughter we'd make it through, because you can't put out a fire without a little rain.