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Disclaimer: I do not own the character of Jigsaw or the plot of the Saw movies. I don't make any money from writing this.
"I can't live like this. I can't live knowing what I've felt and not understanding why. This isn't right. I don't want to be out here, I'm not free. I'll never be free again! Please help me! Please, just tell me what you want. Save me. I need you!"
It was out there. The horrible thoughts I'd been having, the strange craving, the anger and the need. The lust for answers, for reason. No one else could offer me wisdom, could offer me what I sought, only John. Nothing made sense to me anymore, and it was bringing me down, eating me up, filling me with venomous thoughts. I wanted him. The one person I hated until my blood felt like it was boiling. The one person I gladly would see dead in one of his own traps. The one person I needed more than my lungs needed air to stay alive.
How long I'd been lying on the floor I wasn't sure of, but finally I managed to get up, not bothering to try and get rid of all the dust that was clinging to my clothes. The only reason I'd gone there was because it belonged to him, John. I'd managed to find it using Google – it was sad how much information there was out there on him and his business. Foolishly I'd hoped that maybe he'd kept me there, that I'd be able to find him on the first try. Of course it wasn't that simple. I wiped my nose with the sleeve of my jumper and sniffed twice. Taking one last glance around before I turned around, ready to go back home but not ready to give up. I wasn't going to give up; he said that if I wanted to find him we'd meet again. And I did want to find him.
The walk to my car was gloomy and silent. With one hand on the handle and the other rubbing my tearstained eyes there was a sudden movement behind me, causing me to turn. My hair whipped around my face, and one of my hands shot up in front of me, as if I was ready to defend myself from whoever was standing there. But no one was there, only the empty parking lot and the darkening sky above me. My heart pounded in my ears as my breathing tried to return to normal. What had I heard? Hope sparked within me but died soon after, replaced by fear. I was in a dodgy part of town; it didn't have to be John for it to be dangerous.
I couldn't get into the car fast enough it seemed, yet it wasn't long before I started it up, relief washing through me as I put the gear in and got moving. At first I wanted to go home, to crawl back into bed, have a beer, swallow my pills and allow sleep to grab me. Then I decided against it. I couldn't go back, that would be giving up. I needed to find him, if only I knew where to look. After reaching the more populated area of the city I pulled over, but not turning the engine off. Both hands were holding the wheel so hard my fingers started turning white. Where should I go?
"Where the hell are you?" I asked my reflection in the rearview mirror, begging it to answer me. When it didn't, I banged a fist against the wheel in frustration. I pulled my phone out, intending to connect to the internet again, looking for another building that John owned, then I realized it was pointless. The police would already have gone through all of them; it'd be stupid for him to reside there.
Closing my eyes I let out a deep sigh. This was the most fucked up I'd been in my entire life. A hollow laugh broke out from within me and I couldn't stop it. Tears sprung to my eyes from the violent cascade of laughter, which also started hurting my stomach and my ribs. It was crazy. I'd spent an entire month wishing myself free from that disgusting murderer, and here I was trying to find him again. After eight weeks of being free and yet not free, I was so upset about not finding the monster that I was crying. It was completely insane.
I calmed down a little, after a few minutes and shut the engine off. Not sure where I would go from there I figured it was stupid to leave the car on any longer. I shook my head, tipping it forward, staring at my lap. When the hell had I lost my mind? Had I always been insane maybe? Perhaps that's why I didn't make friends easily or the real reason why I couldn't have a functioning relationship. I ran a hand through my hair and thought of the things John had shared with me. Of how he'd had everything he could ever wish for, then the actions of another had ripped it away by killing his unborn son. Then how his wife had gotten cancer and passed away. Life really wasn't fair to anyone. But was it enough to justify what he was doing?
No, I decided. It wasn't, it never would be. My own guilt gnawed at me over Jeffrey and it was tearing me apart, even though I couldn't stop the thoughts of how he had deserved it. I felt guilt, a lot of it, and I had only very indirectly caused his death. I also felt guilt for not forgiving him, and for the sick part of me that enjoyed knowing that he'd never again be happy and that his last moments in life had been filled with horror. The fact that John felt no remorse however, over what he did must mean he was a sociopath. Or psychopath. Or something, I wasn't sure of the specifics behind the words. All I knew was that no normal person would be able to watch people be ripped to pieces without feeling at least some compassion or guilt. The only question now was, was it worth it to find him again?
"This sucks," I mumbled as I turned the key in the ignition. Going home was my best bet, if he was watching me, and somehow it felt like either he or Amanda for him was, then he'd know by now that my life was a complete mess and that I was looking for him. Of course, I could only hope that he wouldn't kidnap me again but instead choosing to be a bit more civilized about it and perhaps just coming to my apartment like a normal person to chat with me.
Another chuckle escaped me when that thought hit me, and I almost took my hands off the wheel for a second. John wasn't a normal person; I thought I'd just established that. And at any rate he was wanted in the entire frickin' country, coming and going to a downtown apartment complex would be insane. More insane than strapping people in machined designed to split their ribcages open.
Whatever had felt funny about the situation disappeared when my mind wandered to the traps I'd read about, those that had managed to leak to the press. A twinge of hate towards myself rushed through me as street lights flashed across my car every few seconds. The trap that seemed by far the worst, the one that Amanda had worn haunted me for a long moment. The Reversed Bear Trap. Designed to rip a person's jaw away from the rest of their face. Only a freak could think of something like that. Or how about the man who was forced to crawl through barbed wire to get himself out? He wasn't as "lucky" as Amanda; he didn't live while she did. Look where that had gotten her. My hands gripped the wheel tighter for a second. She had managed to live and she decided to dedicate her life to John, doing what he was doing.
Before my kidnapping, the story of his apprentice had never reached me. Though afterwards, after coming home and desperately trying to find reason, I'd read everything I could come across about him. About Jigsaw, as they called him so tastefully. Regret started filling me as I came closer to home, and by the time I had pulled into the parking garage and silenced the car I was trembling. What kind of person was I trying to find? A monster? Yeah, I think I'd made up my mind a long time ago that he was a monster. But didn't that make me a monster too, for wanting to speak to him again, for yearning to hear his voice? As sick as it was, I knew it was the truth.
Too scared to go up to my apartment, terrified that he'd be waiting for me, I remained in the car. A minute passed. Then five, ten, twenty. I bit my lip.
"Fuck this!" I opened the door and left the car behind.
Disclaimer: I do not own the character of Jigsaw or the plot of the Saw movies. I don't make any money from writing this.