Chapter 14
Oh god, I wanted this so bad, and yet, now I don't want this so bad.
As I internally panicked, he walked over and kneeled down in front of me again. That familiar sexy pose really wasn't making the decision any easier. "Give me your hand," he softly requests.
Slightly hesitant, I do as he says and extend out my arm. He then gently places his hand on top of mine, and holds it tight. Smiling, he firmly tells me "If at any point you get too scared just let me know."
Giving a single but giant nod of my head, I signaled him to go forth. Having received the okay, he takes his left hand and replaces it with his right, using the right one to slide up my wrist while the left continues to caringly lock fingers with me. I wince slightly as he grabs hold of my wrist. And so the journey to the uncharted areas commences.
Not wanting to move things too fast, he kept his hand in place, making sure to get me used to him being there before moving on. Feeling too embarrassed to look at him, I gazed off to the side while he concentrated on his movement, only occasionally glancing up at my face to catch my reaction. Slowly, his hand began to continue upward, sliding up my forearm. My body started to tremble, and he halted his movement.
"Doing alright?" he inquires.
"Not really," I tell him honestly. "I don't like this continuous movement."
"Okay, then I'll try something else." As he says that, he stands up and sits next to me. Reaching out his hand, he asks "How's this," then places it on top of my shoulder.
The surface area is large and warm, and my frame being very small and petite, it envelopes my entire shoulder. The feeling of being overtaken frightens me. Instantly, I shove him off and scream "NO! Get off of me!"
Retracting his hand just as quick as I could push it off, he bows his head in apology. "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have just suddenly grabbed you like that without any warning. It was a terrible call on my part."
"No it's fine," I say in a low but also apologetic voice as I lean away and grab the part of my shoulder that he was just touching. "But I think you're right. Maybe a bit slower and more predictable next time." The way I asked him was more like a plea rather than a suggestion.
"Gotcha. You've just been doing so well, it's easy to forget the severity of things sometimes. But here's a better idea anyway, how about you try touching everywhere on my body first instead? Checking back on my notes, you did list that as easier to do than the latter, so I suppose we should cover every track of my body before moving onto yours."
"Every track!?" My face was mortified.
He burst out into laughter. "No silly, I don't mean that so literally. Just every basic part that we commonly work on in therapy. I'm really starting to get the idea now that you haven't accepted the fact that I'm not a player."
"Oh…" I flush from embarrassment. "I'm sorry I just misunderstood…"
"Nah, that's okay. It happens. Don't feel ashamed. I could have phrased it better."
Sitting silently with my head down and no response, he senses the awkward tension and moves to relax me a little.
"Well then, let's begin," he shuffles in his seat and I look up at him to see what he would do next. Comically, he throws his body out like Rose standing in the wind on the Titanic and demands "Lay it on me!"
"Uuuum…" I looked at him questioningly with an eyebrow raised. "Weren't you the one who just said you are a professional? What's with this unserious behavior?" Chuckling at his antics, I couldn't help but wonder to myself if he really is as old and experienced as he claims to be.
"You're right," he clears his throat for a dramatic effect and shimmies back into a normal, sitting up straight position. "Time to get serious. Why don't you start by touching my forearm as well then move up to my shoulders?"
My accusation didn't even seem to faze him. It was clear that he was trying to joke around to lighten the mood after frightening me so that I could calm down a bit. Even though my tone was doubtful, I actually really appreciated him, for it was true— he really did snap me out of it and make me feel better. It set the stage for having the sticky situation of being required to touch his body be a little less tense and uncomfortable. This man never failed to make me smile for so many reasons.
As I was preparing myself, a jingle came from my phone from the inside of my purse. We both stare at the source of the intrusive sound. Crap, I forgot to put it on silent. This is exactly what the commercials always warn us about! "Sorry about that," I apologize to him as I shyly reach for my cell. "I'll turn it off so that it won't happen again."
"No it's fine. It happens all the time," he reassures me as I hit the home button to check who it was from. A text from José appeared on the lock screen. Since my notifications were not turned off, the message could be read without opening it up. He wrote:
Hey girl! 3 How's it been going!? Been a little while since I last saw you, so I thought we could meet up for lunch again sometime this week! There's so many places to go and things that I want to eat with you now that the doors have opened up! Let me know when you're free! :) I'm also in need of some juicy updates ;)
As I read it, I noticed that I wasn't the only one. Christian had been peeping over the top of it as well, and didn't seem too happy about what he saw. I was mortified as I glanced up at his slightly perturbed face. Oh my god why did José have to text me right this moment!? Why not say, like, in an hour!?
"José…" he reads the name suspiciously out loud from my phone. "Seems like he's really close to you."
Is it just my imagination running wild again or does he seem…jealous? "Um, well he's a childhood friend of mine, so you could say we are pretty close."
"Hm," is all he voices in reaction while still looking over at my phone. Taking note of that, I quickly turn it to silent mode and put it back into my pocket. Suddenly his mood changes in a flash. "Well I'm delighted to hear that you're spending some time with people outside of school," he says with an excited tone, but somehow, it seemed a little off. "I know how you voiced to me earlier that you had troubles with making friends, so that's really nice to know. We actually recommend spending some quality time with those close to you when going through something rough because it helps to get your mind off of things."
"Oh. Oh yeah. Good thing he texted me then," my voice was laden with disappointment, though I tried to make it sound chipper. Guess he isn't jealous…I mean he just recommended me to go hang out with José…soooooo…
"Anyway, enough of that. Let's get back to business. As I said earlier, try starting with the forearm," he offers up his arm to me once again. As he rolls up his sleeve, the bare skin of his lower arm was revealed.
"Okay," I say a tad bit nervously, forgetting the events that just happened after his enticingly fine arm was presented to me. As I reach for his wrist, I announce "Here goes nothing," in a comedic attempt to lighten the embarrassment of the situation. My vision zeros in on the area. His milky white skin looks so smooth, and the desire to touch it surprisingly overtakes me. Feeling shameful, I close my eyes to hide my true feelings. Quickly, I jump forward to grab it, hoping that I actually landed on his wrist since my vision was dark. Falling farther forward than I had anticipated through my depth perception, I opened my eyes in shock to see what I had landed on. Vision returning, I was mortified to realize what I had accidentally taken hold of instead.
As I fully opened my eyes, I came face to face with a shocked Christian who was wide eyed and frozen, not knowing what to do. Looking down at the spot where my hand was, I saw that it was perfectly and horrifically cupped around his manhood, which was to my ultimate surprise, large and partially erect— at least, that's what I assumed since I never actually had touched either an erect or non-erect penis before.
Not knowing whether I was afraid or just plain horrified and embarrassed, I screamed and retracted my hand from him so hard that I flung backwards and fell off of the couch.
"Oh my g-gosh are you alright!?" he stutters as he gets up and offers a hand out to me.
Too embarrassed to even look at him, I ignored his hand and swiftly pushed myself off the ground and back onto the couch in a panic. "Yes, I'm fine. I'm so, so sorry that was just an accident I swear. I only meant to grab your wrist but missed and fell. I have no idea how that happened."
Suddenly, he bursts out into laughter. "Jeeze Anastasia," he wipes a few tears from his eyes. "Didn't I just say that when I said 'every part of my body' I didn't actually mean it!?"
Turning beet red, I placed my hand on my forehead and looked down in shame. "Noooooo I didn't mean it like that! I totally understood what you said! It was completely an accident! I seriously mean it!"
Laughing so hard that it was bringing tears to his eyes, he says "Don't worry, I know. It was just too funny I couldn't help but to make fun of you. I'm sorry."
Scrunching up my nose at him, I cross my arms and pout. "Hmph. Well I'm not finding this to be so funny."
His laughter still not ceasing, I tried to hold my position and not let my guard down, but thinking about everything that had just occurred, I couldn't help but to begin to laugh with him as well. As we sat and cracked up together, I realized that I was so embarrassed and upset that touching such a difficult area for me hadn't even brought me anxiety. His jokes and everything were a total distraction.
"Anyway, it's totally fine, mistakes happen. Let's just forget about it and proceed with the session."
"Oh okay," I say, still a tad bit embarrassed. "I'll try that again and be sure to be more careful this time."
Making sure to keep my eyes wide open this this time, he nods his head and sticks his arm out once more. Finding touching him to be even more difficult and even more of a turn on now than it had before, I struggled hard to keep a straight face. Still, I grabbed it as fast as I could to prevent my overthinking. Once I finally got ahold of the area, it felt as soft as it had looked, and my hand started to suck the warmth of his body into it.
This feeling is nice, I thought, though, I found myself wanting more. Flashbacks of my previous desire to feel the skin all over his body came to me. Memories of me in the shower. I wonder if it feels this warm all the way up, I questioned as my hand started to move in the direction of his elbow. My eyes closed again, knowing that this time my hand was being guided carefully.
Oddly enough I discovered that closing my eyes helped to disconnect me from the fears of what I was touching. Sliding along his forearm, and over the curve of his elbow, my fingers kept absorbing his heat as I did. Like a leech I seemed to take the warmth from him as my body temperature started to give rise as well. Making it over the curve, I was met with an even larger bump— the toned muscle of his upper arm. This is familiar, my cheeks went red again. I wonder why he was "up" like that by the way, I was too nervous to ask…Hitting the folds of his rolled up sleeve, I opened up my eyes, and he was staring right at me, intensely.
"Ah," I pulled my hand back right away.
"No. No. Continue. You were doing well. Don't worry," he tries to reassure me, but the way he spoke seemed slightly off again somehow.
"Oh, uh. Okay," I stutter, feeling a drop of sweat start to form on the back of my neck. I take hold of the portion where his sleeve started, feeling relieved because it made the contact a little easier to bear since it wasn't in direct line with a human, but also disappointed at the same time. The feel of his skin was so nice. With these clothes in the way, I'll never get to know if his whole body feels like that. What if…the inside is…even softer? Getting more heated up, I continued with my hand along his upper arm, over the folds of his coat, and the curvature of his well-formed muscles. His arms feel even stronger than they looked that day at the archery club. Pulling that bow must have been so easy for him. Makes me wonder what else he could do…what else he could pull…Thinking deeply, I got so lost into my imagination that my hand tightened its grip over him slightly, and I could feel him flex in response. Fear of being stricken should be overtaking me, but instead, I want to forget about what my stepfather did and have faith that others won't use this kind of power against me like he did. I'm older and physically stronger, and I've seen how kind of a person Christian truly is. It's hard to believe he would do that. I no longer want my stepfather to keep controlling my mind, my life, and taking these wonderful experiences away from me. I want to find out what kind of wonderful experiences power can also bring instead.
Looking up to his face to catch what he was thinking, I could see a ball roll down his throat as he swallowed, his very defined Adams apple moving up and down. A confident stare almost seeming to tell me not to stop drove into the depths of my soul. Reaching the top of his shoulder blade, I slid ever so slowly down to the upper part of his chest.
"Why don't you try doing the same thing with your other hand on my right side now," he offered in a low and seductive voice. Timidly, I nod my head and lift my right hand from his left shoulder, but as I did, he demanded "No. Leave that one there."
Taking in a deep breath, I glanced up at him quickly then averted my eyes down as I did what he said by repeating my earlier actions, but on the opposite side, making sure to keep my right hand in place as he wished. He watched me attentively, which only made me more nervous. Making it to the top again, I slid that hand down so that it was parallel with the other. Finding myself now face to face with him, leaning into his chest, all of the air escaped from my lungs as I shyly looked up at his face once more.
The two of us stared at each other with surprised expressions for a moment. Then, out of nowhere, and without a single second to be able to react, he leaned in and kissed me gently on the lips.
At first my eyes widened in response as I froze up. But in that moment, I realized it wasn't from fear, but from shock because of the sudden action and the confession of his feelings behind it. A wonderful sensation was sent in shock waves from my lips down to the core of my body. A warmth that I had never felt before filled my lips as he breathed into me. This area felt even softer than the skin my fingers had just brushed over only moments ago. My eyes closed and I moaned into his mouth. This sound stirred him up and he removed his lips from mine for a brief moment, looked deeply into my shy, surprised eyes, and then fiercely leaned forward further into me as he slammed his lips into mine. My hands tightened their grip on his white coat to help hold myself in place while he slightly pushed me back towards the couch. The heated breath he let out from his kiss enveloped the inside of me and I couldn't help but sigh at the amazing feeling. A tingling sensation shot throughout my body, turning everything numb.
Not being able to handle this anymore, and to my own surprise, I started kissing him back. Each kiss turned more and more passionate as the good feelings inside me welled up to the point of explosion. Christian's breathing became harder, and he slipped his tongue inside me. This was a sensation beyond familiarity. Wet and not quite as warm. Not exactly what I was expecting it to feel like.
At first, the feeling was awkward, so I tried to pull out of it, but just as I began to, tiny jolts of pleasure started to hit me. The feeling switched from strange to amazing in mere seconds. With that, the rate of my breathing increased as well as I panted into him. Accepting his advances, I followed along with his movements, turning my head from left to right. How could I have been missing out on this my whole life? What is wrong with me, I regretted everything to myself in that moment.
All I knew is that I was absolutely loving what was going on, but it wasn't enough. I needed more. As if something came over me, I lifted my right hand off of his chest and grabbed the back of his head. It was amazing how I became so out of it that my phobia was completely forgotten. The impulse of desire kept me moving too quickly to be able to think about what I was doing. Scrunching my fingers around his hair, it was completely different than my own. Somehow it was both soft and rough at the same time. I couldn't help but to take a minute to run it through my fingers, being that it was my first time feeling another person's hair in over fifteen years.
Having my fill of that, I went on with my original intention of pulling his head in closer to mine, so that I could reach even further into the back of his mouth, getting as close to and as much of him that I possibly could. He just tasted so sweet and inviting, subtle hints of the caramel candy left on his desk for other clients present in his mouth.
Legs shaking from the pings of pleasure rushing all the way down to my core, he pushed me back onto the couch with the force of the kiss, my head now lying on the arm rest while he hovered over me. Moaning into him once more from the feeling of a new kind of control, I couldn't hold back the curiosity of wanting to know what the skin under his clothes was like. My fingers found themselves unbuttoning his shirt as he continued to kiss me intensely. Finishing with all the buttons after what seemed like ages, they finally got the chance to feel the incredible skin along his chest. Better than I ever imagined, was my thought as I found my way from his collarbone down to his stomach. Every inch closer to his stomach that I got, the more he would react. His body started trembling as well, and his hands tightened their grip on the side of the couch, seeming like he was unable to control himself any longer.
Removing his lips from mine, he brought his mouth in close to my right ear. "I need you," he desperately called out as he purposefully let out a puff of hot breath, causing me to gasp for air as shivers went down my spine. The temperature of my body had now risen to somewhere above the visible scale, making me start to sweat all over. His words had me unsure of what to do with myself. They turned me on so much that I felt that maybe I really did want him too. That's why when he attempted to place his hand on my hip, I didn't object. Slipping his fingers into my shirt, he steadily slid them up my side while his kisses moved to and across my jawline, then down to the top of my neck.
This is exactly how I had imagined it, everything that I wanted, and yet… Despite knowing that, the fear started to return once again out of nowhere as his hand met my body. The most difficult parts of my body on the list to let others touch—my face, neck, and sexual organs–those were the ones he was going after now. "S-stop," I mutter softly with low confidence.
My words didn't appear to get through to him. He was too lost in lust. "Hey I said stop," I demanded a little louder as the passionately inflamed boy continued to kiss further down my neck. Once again, he did not seem to hear what I said. Lifting his hand up close to my chest, I reacted by trying to push him off, but he was too strong. "No! Don't do that!" I grumbled at him. An internal battle was happening within me. Part of me was still being turned on by his actions, while the other half was being overcome with fear. At this point it had still been a fifty-fifty on what I wanted, but as soon as he took hold of my breast, I knew the answer.
"STOP! I SAID NO MORE!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. Having been so loud this time, I startled him enough to be able to power over him and throw him off of me. Beginning to tear up a bit, I bolted for the door.
"H-hey," he called weakly in confusion, still trying to figure out what had just happened as he was coming down from his fever. I didn't listen and just kept running. "W-WAIT," he shouted much more loudly as he collected himself and ran towards me in a panic.
By this point I had already made it to the door and was trying to turn the handle, but Christian was much faster than I was and had caught up just in time. Wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into a big hug, he yanked me off of the handle before I could finish getting it open.
"NO! LET ME GO!" I cried out as I thrashed around in his grip. Not accepting my refusal, he continued to hold on.
"No. I won't," he denied my order.
"WHY NOT!? I SAID LET ME GO! I DON'T LIKE THIS! I DON'T LIKE YOU! YOU KNOW I HATE PEOPLE TOUCHING ME, SO WHY ARE YOU CONTINUING TO KEEP HOLDING ONTO MY ENTIRE BODY LIKE THIS!? JUST STOP!" Tears poured from my eyes as I tried to throw my way out of his hold.
Only holding onto me tighter as I screamed at him, he continued to not listen to a thing I said. Burying his face into the back of my neck, I could feel tears starting to form in his eyes as well. "Well I don't hate you. In fact, I love you. I love you so much that I never want to see you go. So much that it hurts. I'm so, so sorry I was being so stupid. I told you that all you had to do was let me know when you were scared and I would stop, but I didn't keep my word. I got so lost in my love and desire for you, that I neglected the words you were saying. I realize now what a foolish mistake I just made, and how much it probably hurt you and made you lose your trust in me. But I promise that it will never happen again. Ever."
"It's funny that you say that as you're STILL DOING IT NOW!" I jumped off the floor and kicked my legs around as I shouted out the last part of my sentence. Christian never dropped his arms from me.
"I know, and I'm sorry for this. But I have to show you how much I love you. I have to make sure…" As he tried to go on speaking, he took in a deep breath and tears poured harder from his eyes. "I have to make sure that you won't run from me." Releasing his hold of me, he instantly dropped to the ground on his knees and only kept holding tightly onto my left hand. "Every person I ever love always runs away from me. Somehow, I always hurt them. They always become afraid of me. But not you. Please," he begs. "Please not you. Don't make me lose you too." Each word seemed so difficult for him to get out as his soft sobs became more and more intense. As he appeared so broken on the inside, I couldn't help but to curiously turn around and take a look at him.
Seeing the vulnerable side to this stone cold man was something else. His face didn't show that of a bad man in this instant, just one of a kind person who has been through so much in life and only needs somebody who can truly and deeply love him. I knew that he wanted to continue to hold onto me in this moment, for he really needed it, but he let go and dropped down for my sake. Putting himself into this demeaning position showed how sorry he really did feel for what he had done. I had known that he didn't mean any harm, but still, I ran. It was still difficult for me to have faith in others. To trust that they really are who I think they are. It wasn't his fault. It was mine for being so scared and not fully letting go of that fear.
Seeing him be torn up like this and exposing his true feelings made me think of all the pain he must have felt seeing the one he loved go. To be betrayed by her because of something that he could not control. Just like how I have no control over my phobia. The sadness of losing a loved one was also something that I understood. First when my father died, and then the day my stepfather changed— it felt like I lost him that day too. The changing of personalities was close to the highest form of betrayal for me, but when Christian's mother left him it was by choice. That must have hurt far greater than an accidental death, or a random psychopath set out to hurt me from the beginning. On top of that, his own father didn't want him. At least my mother was there for me later on. Knowing that somebody cares was what got me through it. Christian and I were so similar. We felt relatable pain in our life, and shared nearly identical experiences. But something far worse than abuse for me, was that he never had any family or friends who loved him. That must be why he's here today— trying to make sure he is that person for everyone else who didn't have one so that nobody would ever have to feel alone like he did. God bless his nanny for later becoming that one for him.
Staring down at this beautiful, shattered human being hanging his head so low, I felt nothing but sorrow for him. I could feel the pain that he was going through. Never before in my life had I ever wanted to hug someone so badly. This feeling was the same one that had overcome me when I watched José eat pizza for the first time and cry. The strong urge to want to comfort the person you love. That's what this is.
Bending down and sitting on the back of my heels so that I could be at his level, I give him a sorrowful smile. Without giving myself another chance to think, I lean forward into an embrace. Wrapping my arms tightly around his back and sides, I rest my head on the top of his left shoulder. As I tried to comfort him the best that I could as someone who hasn't given a hug in fifteen years, I hoped that my message would go through to him. "I love you too Christian. Don't worry. I'll never truly leave you," I whispered from the bottom of my heart as I sobbed onto him. Despite all the thoughts in my head, I found those three short sentences to be enough. A strong light greater than I had ever seen shined through and out my pocket the moment I took him into my arms, and I wondered what it could mean.
Lifting his head up in surprise, he turned it to the side to look over at my face. I let go of my hold on him, and met his eyes as well.
"What did you just say?" he asked in bewilderment.
"I said I love you," I smiled at him.
"Even after everything I've just done? Even after Jennifer and Lindsey harassed you? Even though I don't actually have billions of dollars but you still have to hide in fear of my millions of stalker fans anyway that crowd around me and might touch you?"
"Yes. Even after all that," I laugh softly. "And even after anything else that will happen. But please make sure to always stick to your word to ensure that."
"Anastasia," he calls out my name, wiping away his tears.
"Hm?" I hum caringly.
"I can't believe…you actually just hugged me. Can I, do it too?"
Nodding my head and smiling at him to give him the okay, he passionately takes me into his arms. This time, I don't push away in fear.
After calming down a bit and moving ourselves back over to the couch, we decided to just try talking for the rest of the session. Seemed like the best idea after our little incident.
"I'm so sorry for letting myself get out of control," Christian apologizes to me yet again. "Honestly, I just love you so much that everyday has been a struggle to restrain myself from pulling you in and showing you that. When I finally got the chance, I just lost it."
"You mean this whole time you've had feelings for me!?" I shout in sheer amazement. "Why didn't you say something earlier? All this time I thought you were talking about some other girl when you were referring to that special someone. I got so jealous…" I make a sad pouty face.
"I told you I'm terrible at talking to girls, unless they are my client. It's actually one of the reasons I needed to bring you into my office, so that I could simply have the confidence to talk with you first. I've wanted to tell you for quite some time, but to be frank, I was hesitant for the longest time because for a while there it seemed like you hated me. On the Ferris wheel when you made your confession I learned that wasn't the case, but I was still afraid of you getting hurt because of me. With all of my crazy fans such as Jennifer, something was bound to happen to you someday, and with your phobia, I didn't want to put you at that kind of risk because of my selfish feelings. It'd be even harder on you than it was for the last woman I tried to bring into my life."
Oh my god I knew it! I knew he was about to confess to me then!
"Ah, ha. Yeeeeah…" I look up into the corner of my eyes while scratching the back of my head in embarrassment at having been caught."Sorry about that, I was just really skeptical of some guy that I believed to be a rich play boy coming up and offering me free therapy sessions. It all seemed really sketchy. But you know, we are all guilty of having pre-judgments and stereotypes about other people. It was a good learning lesson for the stuck up, hard headed me. And in response to me being in danger, no worries, I'm a tough girl with ninja-like, developed reflexes so I can handle a few million stalkers," I proudly put my hands on my sides. "It's not selfish of you to want love. Everyone deserves it, especially you of all people who has provided so much to everyone else. I think you're more than worth all of that, and everything else that comes with you. So I hope that you never feel that you aren't ever again."
"Thank you Anastasia…." he looks down breathlessly and smiles a sad, fragmented smile somehow filled with hope. "Those words mean more to me than you could ever possibly know." As he softly whispered those last words, he seemed on the verge of losing his composure once again, and quickly looked up and changed the subject in order to prevent that from happening. "A-hem. Anyway," he clears his throat and speaks deeper and louder. "I don't think you're like what you said. Personally, I think you had all the right to perceive me as you did. A lot of people in the industry of fame aren't the greatest. Trust me, I would know. So it was in fact wise of you to have your precautions. I'm just so thankful to you that you decided to look past them and give me a chance. This is why I know you're actually an incredibly sweet and caring person Anastasia. Intelligent at that. The most amazing person I've ever encountered thus far."
His confession almost made me choke up. "You're too kind Christian... saying those things even after how terribly I've treated you…" The guilt was really starting to get to me. After seeing how broken he really is through that display just now and learning about his story, remembering my bad attitude towards him in the beginning was like throwing salt onto the wounds.
"What are you talking about? You've been so great to me! Treating me like I'm a normal person, not taking advantage of my money, and putting up with my bullshit. In my eyes you've been nothing but wonderful." Looking directly into my soul, the smile he showed to me was one of the most genuine I had ever seen. I could feel myself being swooned by his kind and polarizing aura. "By the way," he went back into his serious tone. "I'm sorry if I made you feel jealous before. I thought it was obvious that I was talking about you, that's why I thought you didn't feel the same since you weren't reciprocating." Scooting in closer to me, he says "Soooooo," with a sly smile. "When exactly did you start to like me then?"
"Uh. Uh. Uh," I stammered, flushing at the cheeks once again and backing up slightly away from him. The closeness didn't bring me fear anymore, just embarrassment and feelings that were not quite so appropriate when trying to have a serious conversation. "I'm not sure exactly. It happened slowly." Switching to a slightly cross attitude to hide my mortification, I crossed my arms and pouted "Why do you even want to know anyway? It seems like you already figured it out, considering you kissed me just now!"
"It was a bold move, I know. I just got so jealous and felt possessive after seeing that guy text you. It made me worry that something was going on between the both of you since he asked you out to lunch, so I thought that I couldn't wait any longer. I had to confess to you now before he got the chance. My selfishness took over and I was unable to keep holding my feelings back. Plus, after that little...accident you had, holding back became even harder."
The reminder made me go red again and I averted my eyes away from him in indescribable embarrassment.
"Even if it hurt you, I needed you then and there," his voice became hoarse as his seductive eyes zeroed in on me. "Besides," he scoots in towards me. "I kind of figured it out after you asked to hold my hand, then when you seemed to be reacting to my advances." Leaning in close, he whispers confidently into my ear "I could tell you were getting turned on by me."
Stiffening up and going even brighter red, I push him away. "Oh my god, what are you talking about!? You? To me? No way!"
"Oh?" That devious half smile of his creeps up his face yet again. Leaning forward, he pushes me back so that I'm forced down onto the couch while his hands press down on both sides of me, trapping me in his imprisonment. He stares me dead in the face and asks with that cocky attitude of his "Then why are you so red Anastasia? You suuuuure you don't enjoy this?"
The tormenting look he gave me was so arousing. Part of me wanted to accept it and continue with what we were unable to finish before, while the other half didn't want to let him win and knew that I needed a break after the scare. Placing my hand on his chest and regrettably pushing him off of me, I deny him "Hey, isn't this therapy? Shouldn't we get back to discussing how to further get rid of my phobia, 'Dr.' Grey?"
"You do know that my touch is the greatest cure, don't you Anastasia?" he puts his thumb on my chin and lifts my face up towards him.
That really did it. My lower region became so wet that I didn't know what to do. Of course I know how much it could heal me you idiot…"Um. Um. That may be true, but I really think that now is not the best time," I push his hand away. "But a little later on the other hand…"
That seemed to snap him right back into it, because he got up off of me and walked back over to his chair. "You're right," he crosses his legs and picks up his notebook. "I was getting too carried away again after I promised not to again. We will take it easy for the rest of the night. So how was today's session for you then? One thing I'm curious to learn about is why you were so okay with the kiss? That was an entirely new area of your body and yet you didn't object at all like usual."
Boy that was a quick turnaround, I thought as I had to blink a few times to shake off all the mischievous desires I was now having from his advancement. It's not fair. I'm stuck here all hot and bothered and he makes it seem so easy. I hope it's not as easy as it seems for him..."Well," I tried to answer his question as quick as I could so that it would no longer show how much he really does affect me, though changing the topic was also difficult because there were so many questions I wanted to ask him about the incident with José. So he was jealous! I could sense it. He can't fool me with that proper, good boy attitude of his. It makes me so happy that I don't even feel sad now talking about these serious things. "That's actually a good question. I myself don't really know why, but I suspect it has something to do with the fact that that's the one area on my body that my stepfather never touched. Not only that, but the action of kissing itself is a completely different kind of touch to me. I don't think he ever did such a thing. Not even a kiss on the cheek during his good days. He showed affection through pats on my head."
"That's a fantastic observation that makes quite a lot of sense actually. Actions that your stepfather performed the most, as well as areas that he touched the most probably have the greatest amount of sensitivity for you, and vice versa. Seems like sudden grabbing is on the top of the intolerable actions for you, so I will try to avoid doing that until the end. With that being said, are there any other areas on your body that he never touched?"
"Uuuuuuuuuuuuuh…" all the color drained from my face.
"What?" he raised his head up and looked at me in a concerned manner. "What is it Anastasia?"
"W-well. There's another area that he didn't exaaaaactly touch, but it's um…sort of hard to say."
"Interesting…go on," he encouraged.
"U-uh w-well he didn't touch down…'there' per se. If you know what I mean."
"I see. I do know what you mean and see why you struggled to mention it. Though one thing that I don't understand is what you mean by 'per se.'"
"Uuuuuuuum, well you seeeeeee," at this point my uncomfortableness was very apparent. My thumbs were twirling around each other in anxiousness as I held my hands together on my lap, feet changing pressure between my heels and toes as I rocked back and forth.
"Don't tell me," Christian urged warily with a very concerned look.
My head dropped down, bringing my vision in line with the floor. "In the end, he tried…'touching' me in another way, but thankfully before he could advance too far he was caught. I had gone to the school counselor to ask what that kind of touching meant, and she was so frightened she demanded me to tell her where I got the question from straight away. Right after that the police showed up at our house and arrested him. It was then that the domestic violence was discovered as well and my mother was so distraught that she never let any man get near me again."
Christian's mouth hung open slightly, eyebrows drooping which showed his sorrowful expression. "Ana..." he breathed out slowly. "I'm so incredibly sorry. I can't even imagine what that could have been like at that age on top of everything. Please," he begged. "You have to tell me what you meant by 'before it got too far.' What exactly did he do to you? I know its extraordinary difficult to talk about, but it will be vastly helpful in me knowing how to provide some help and avoiding frightening you again."
Giving out a long, woeful sigh, I answered him. "Thankfully, it really wasn't that much. Just some slow, sensual touching, creepy words, and close proximity to my sexual organs, but I always backed away from him before he could actually touch them. That's when he would beat me even harder. I think that's a large reason for why I developed the phobia, I never wanted to see where else that sinister touch could go. Just when I thought it was at its worst, there was something even more evil. Another layer of change."
"I see…that must be why the slow movement from before was so uncomfortable for you. Touch that's sexual in nature is even worse." He writes some more stuff down into his notebook, his face showing that he was trying to secretly holding back some anger and sorrow. "Man, if he…" Christian suddenly stops in the middle of his sentence, grunting and shaking his head as if knocking an idea out of it. "Hm. Anyway," he stops writing and looks back up at me and speaks in a worried tone. "I'm so sorry I made some advances on you today then. If I had known sexual touch was something traumatic for you in particular, then I would have never done that so quickly. Since I thought there was mostly a fear around aggressive behavior, I had a theory that you could accept gentle, loving touch. But I was wrong. I didn't think about the possibility of you having kept some crucial information from me. It was a terribly unprofessional and unthoughtful call on my part. Having run into this kind of issue before, I should have known better."
His eyes seemed filled with regret and anger at himself, and I hated to see that because of my weakness. "No," I decline with a soft smile. "You can't blame yourself for something that I withheld. I'm sorry for not being strong enough to tell you that earlier. Your advances were actually really helpful, and I feel that I've already made some improvement. Things just went a little too far, but both of us knowing that now, I think everything will turn out a lot better next time."
I thought about the moment when I was in the shower, dreaming about being with him in a sexual way. He wasn't wrong. I really wasn't completely afraid of sexual touch anymore, and him doing that helped me to see that it was becoming a reality rather than just a fantasy now. I wanted to him to know that. "Actually, I—" I try to tell him what had happened, but feel too embarrassed once I start to say it aloud, and end up just cutting myself off.
"Actually you…what? What were you about to say?"
"Actually, I, um..." I panicked, scrambling for something else to say instead. "I... I used to…to," then it hit me. "Hate my stepfather, you know. So much that I wished he was being beaten in jail by other inmates and would someday get the death penalty. But, after talking with you, I realized that that makes me just as bad as he is, and that's something that I never want to be. As a matter of fact, letting go of my anger as you had advised me the other day was the entire reason I was able to recover so quickly. The best way to get revenge on the ones that we hate is to kill them with kindness and be happy. That's what I've learned from you. So I don't think a person who taught me such a great lesson would ever purposefully wrong me. You did what you thought was best, and you were right. Your lesson helped me to move on, and so I was able to let go of his memory and enjoy being with that wonderful human, if only for a little while. So of course you were no longer able to sense something that wasn't fully there."
Christian opened his eyes wide in amazement, too stunned to say anything for a moment. "There really is no other girl like you Anastasia," he smiled with a look of deep affection, having taken the time to let what I had just said soak in. "Truly one special person."
Shortly after our conversation he unfortunately had to get going right away to go do his research project. We had already taken an extra half an hour over the allotted time slot. Arriving back home, I received a text message from him:
Sorry for the rush at the end there! Next session will be tomorrow, same time. We will work on having you be completely confident with touching my body only this time without any negative reactions. If you can manage to get to that point tomorrow then we will proceed by working on getting you okay with receiving touch again. It should go a lot more smoothly now that you have provided me with some really valuable information. Thank you for that again.
"Ba-bump."
Oh my god, I have to touch his body some more again!? Is he going to react like he did today? Maybe not since I responded so negatively... "Sigh," I flop back onto my bed in despair. Now I've probably scared him off from doing that again. But that kiss was so nice…I'd love to feel those soft lips of his again… Once again my body became heated at the thought of him. The realization that we wouldn't be able to engage in any such behavior until tomorrow tore at me. I want to try that again with him right now…
My perverse thoughts were interrupted by a buzz from my phone. Picking it up, it was from him again:
That was from Dr. Grey. This is Christian now. Just wanted to say goodnight, sweet dreams and I'll see you tomorrow :) 3
Giggling at his silliness, I placed my hands over my hot cheeks. This is so exciting. I can't believe a boy just confessed his feelings to me! I thought this day would never be anything more than a dream to me. Even though he knows I'm not cured yet, he doesn't care. I've never felt so special in my life. Turning over, worries about Jennifer and Lindsey's jealously popped into my mind. I can't keep avoiding them forever, they'll somehow find out eventually. What am I supposed to do tomorrow when I see them? There's no way I can keep a straight face knowing there's something going on between the two of us now…
Just like that, those concerns were put behind me by the humming of my phone. An email notification came in. It was from our Diversity of Human Sexuality professor. My eyes scanned through its contents quickly. From the looks of it, he had seemed to have been involved in a car crash after leaving the university and will be hospitalized for the rest of the week. This meant that there would be no class until further notice and all assignments will be assigned and turned in online.
"There's no morning class for the rest of the week!?" I jumped up and off of my bed in my burst of excitement. "That means no more Jennifer and Lindsey for the rest of the week! Ya- ha, ha!" I danced around the room, extremely glad that nobody was around to see my horribly embarrassing moves.
Sitting back down on my bed, I cleared my throat and calmed down. "I mean, uh, oh no! Poor professor! I hope he's okay." Guilt for caring about my personal problems over this man's life got the best of me. Though I would be lying if I said that I wasn't happy about his misfortune. Christian won't have to go to school at all now since it was the only class he was taking. The rest of the time he worked at the clinic where I would be able to see him with ease from now on.
Well, if it wasn't for that beautiful face of his.
*NOTE: Hello again guys! :D Hope you've all been doing well! This was a pretty lengthy and heavy chapter, so it took a lot of work for me to write it. I struggled to make things good, so I had to rewrite it a few times before I felt satisfied enough. Just letting everyone know that I always love reading all of your comments! They help me continue on with writing the next chapters, both good and bad. So feel to comment about the things that you like and dislike about the story so I can continue to make improvements! Plus, you never know, sometimes if I see an idea that I like and feel won't mess with the plot too much, then I try to incorporate it if I can! ;) Thanks a bunch to all of my lovely and wonderful supporters thus far! I've even begun to recognize some of your user names! Thanks guys! 3