ZAFT of the radiance
At Dr. Weird's lab somewhere in the South Jersey shore. Dr. Weird: Gentlemen, behold! The Murderbot! From inside the shutter a small, yellow, bipedal beetle like robot with blood red eyes, many sharp pointy edges and considerably rusty machine guns in its arms is revealed. Geno: (incredulous) WHAT, THE, FUCK? Murderbot: (eyes glow evilly) blood... Dr. Weird: Its a children's toy! It has twin 99mm machine guns a set of missile launchers that can fire 20 megaton depleted uranium incendiary rockets,
has a napalm based flamethrower in its mouth, lots of spikes for cool factor, its powered by a compact nuclear reactor, has a complete lack of sanctity for life and property, AND it will only cost $199.99 US dollars! Geno: (shocked) What kind of emotionally disconnected and irresponsible parent would buy this? Gendo Ikari: (appears next to Geno) So, you got my robot toy? Dr. Weird: Why of course! Here it is! (the duo accompanied by the Murderbot walk off to discuss payment)
Geno: (internally) This cannot happen! Such robots are too dangerous! What if they rebel? I must stop them! But how? I need to go Dr. Wily on them!
Chapter 12: Operation dimwit drop
Written by Aliasoddity
Aliasoddity: Kingdom Hearts reference FTW! GLaDos: (sighs) You're back five minutes from your little misadventure with Cheney, and you are ALREADY Mary Sueing yourself into the story... Alias: I'm a dick, deal with it. Anyway whats so wrong about it? I mean next episode we are pretty much destroying ALL connections with Gundam SEED canon, hint, hint. GLaDos: You mean the... (gets interrupted with a long bleeping sound) The hell? Kyuubei: No unnecessary foreboding dudes. We already have enough inconsistencies as it is.
Back at our story, we find our heroes reeling from current events, as they are in Kabul discovering that their friend Kira has replaced Bin Laden as leader of Al Qaeda. Tails doll: (shocked) Can you feel the sunshine? Athrun: You know TD that may be your catchphrase but do you always have to say it? Tails doll: (offended) I don't criticize it when you act like Char! Athrun: (angry) You want a piece of me you stuffed piece of crap? Tails doll: (defiant) Bring it ya pussy! Beecha: Guys! Calm down! We wont get anywhere like this. Tails doll: You're the main reason we ARE here. Shinn: (snickers) Beecha: What's so funny Shinn? Shinn: Ima Penis... (begins to laugh like crazy) Beecha: This cannot get any worse...
Stellar: (finds and runs over to the heroes at great speed, tackling Shinn to the ground and hugging him) I finally found you guys! I missed you so much! Shinn: Hey Stellar, could you get off me? Athrun: How did you get here? And how did you not get stoned by going off on your own in Sharia country? Stellar: (Helps Shinn get up) Well I mailed myself! (smiles with her tongue out) And they tried to stone me. I just killed all of the guys who tried that with my knives. (thumbs up) Beecha: This CANNOT get any worse! Random Afghan mob leader: There's the killers! And they got a heathen girl with them! Get' em! (the mob rushes in against our heroes) Beecha: This cannot get any worse! Athrun: (angry) Fuck this shit! I've had a crappy time ever since I set foot in this god forsaken country! I've been shaved bald! Got shot down from a plane! Had to watch Shinn burn down a village! Screw up the Canadian National Anthem! Even though I AM a French Canadian! Had my retarded friend kidnapped and brainwashed by terrorists! Got stuck with my psycho friend's even more psycho girlfriend! And now this? Shinn! Give me your Gadelaza! Shinn: But Athrun! Athrun: (enraged) DO AS I SAY, FOR I AM THE HEAVENLY GRETZKY BUDDHA!
One highly censored slaughter and decimated capital later. Athrun: (standing atop a pile of bodies) (singing) I'm the king of the world! (yelling) Feel my power! (raises up a decapitated Afghan civilian's head and broadsword while his friends look in horror)
Beecha: Why does God hate me so? Stellar: I didn't know Athrun was Canadian or Buddhist. Shinn: Yeah, his folks moved to Boston as a kid. Kira and Athrun knew each other since middle school, same with Cagali and Lacus. We met in the university of Boston later on, and his middle name is Jacques. And he isn't Buddhist, technically he is a Taoist. Stellar: (curiously) What about Lunamaria and Rey? Shinn: That's a tale for another time. Beecha: Well that was a nice destruction of previous canon, nowletsgetthehelloutofhere! Shinn: But where is the Al Qaeda house of pancakes anyway? Tora Bora is pretty far away. Beecha: Don't you mean Mt. Ararat? (gets suddenly struck by lightning) Alias: There are no plot holes! Mysterious man: I can take you there. Beecha: And you are? Mysterious man: My name is Ayman al-Zawahiri. And I see potential in you. I shall take you there right away. Yes. So you can kill Kira. And I can become leader of Al-Qaeda. Bwahahaha! Beecha: Wow, you suck at subtlety. And what's with the nasally tone. Ayman: Allergies. (testy tone) Now are you coming or not? Here's my car. (points to a white hummer limousine with diamond rims and a rocket launcher in the rooftop) Beecha: (amazed) Where did you get the money for that thing? Ayman: The Pakistani government. Now let's go. We have to hurry if we are gonna make it.
Meanwhile we find ourselves back at our heroes empty mansion in Beverly hills where the less important regular cast is meeting after being threatened by Lalah Sune for messing up their neighbors house. Auel: (wearing a maids outfit, a face mask, and holding a plunger) Why am I doing this anyway? I wasn't the one who came up with the whole idea of the party in the first. Sting: (also wearing a maid's outfit and holding a broom) Be thankful we got out of that mess this lightly! And where is Stellar anyway? Its been three days since she disappeared and the FBI still hasn't claimed she burned anything down. Auel: (crosses arms and sighs) Didn't she said something about (imitating Stellar) "I'm gonna go to Afghanistan to find Shinn-kun! Or some other crap." (normal tone) I told her to mail herself since we both know she would not be allowed on a plane without supervision. Sting: You don't think she pulled it off did she? Auel: Don't be ridiculous! (waves hand forward) She cant have thought that far ahead and, (now worried) we should get going to Afghanistan, right? Sting: (somberly) Yes, start packing. God we're screwed!
Lalah: (secretly looking at the panicking duo of Sting and Auel. Goes and looks at the camera) Yeah, I'm not gonna go there with them. Now to watch some CNN now that they are leaving. (After Sting and Auel leave Lalah sits down on the couch to watch CNN) I just love Anderson Cooper!
CNN announcer: This is CNN breaking news!
Ima Penis: This is Ima Penis for CNN News. The latest story on the new face of Al Qaeda, er Quadea, er, How the hell do you spell this stuff? I don't have time to go to Wikitionary all the time! Anyways Kira Yamato Mohammed the new leader of
Al whatever. Has announced his plans for conquest of the world. Obviously this cannot do so apparently the U.S. Government is sending a damn huge army of kill bots from our corporate overlords Aperture science incorporated. And a coalition of Galactic Imperial, Power ranger, Konoha ANBU ninja, The Scottish army from Braveheart, Chuck Norris, G.I. Joe and Jailbot from Superjail. As well as possible intervention from Celestial being, and the Gutsy Galaxy guard. Straight to the Tora Bora mountains where they will find this heathen and promptly murder his ass. More at eleven.
CNN announcer: This program is brought to you by Aperture science industries. "We do what we must, because we can." And the Grammar Nazi prevention fund. Yeah, we're not going to stop this feud are we?
Lalah remained in the couch, unmoving in total disbelief for some seven hours, long into the night and after Sting and Auel left on a cab to the airport. Inner Lalah: Goddamnit woman! Snap your ass out of it! Lalah! Hmmm, I got it! Lalah Sune says what? Damn, that usually gets her. I'm gonna be stuck here for a long time.
In a gas station in Bamyan, Afghanistan. We find the Elvis/Bin Laden impersonators have stopped for fuel and supplies. One of the Elvis impersonators Hajid is carrying large crates to the bus along with Dick Cheney still in his Osama disguise.
Cheney: (Puts down his crate) Why am I e-vily doing this? And how can I e-vily do this? Hajid: (Puts down his crate as well) Plot hole obviously. Cheney: Anyway I gotta e-vily go to the e-vil can now so...
Cheney finds himself in the bathroom of the gas station. Horribly filthy and full of roaches, Cheney looks at the slimy toilet with disgust. Noticing a vending machine near the toilet he looks at it noticing that for "please insert Afghan currency" You could get an egg sandwich. Cheney buys it and starts eating it while going to the can. Sometime later... Cheney: Much e-vily better.
Meanwhile back in the United States the big freaking army meant to kill Kira was having its own problems. Currently stuck on a coastal army base the rangers and a platoon of military androids have been stood up and left to fend for their own.
Tommy the Green ranger: (angry) What do you mean you cant let us inside the planes? Attendant: I'm sorry sir. But we don't have enough planes for you all. Zack the Black ranger: Where the fuck is that nigga Norris? At least if he was here we could get in the planes and get there. Fucking Tejano nigga. (starts break dancing in a random spastic way for no reason) Tommy: Norris is from Oklahoma, you racist idiot! I know you are the "black" ranger. And you like hip hop, but that does not give you an excuse to act like an extra for public enemy! Zack: That my slave name nigga! Call me R.N.X! Tommy: (exasperated) How did I get stuck with these people? Alejandro the gold samurai ranger: (covered in bloody raw meat) WHALES!
(jumps into the sea only to get eaten by sharks) Tommy: At least it cant get any worse... Suddenly a large tanker driven by Trini the Yellow ranger careens into the base running over all of the military droids and crashing into a warehouse full of of explosives and gasoline. Causing an explosion that wrecks the entire base. Trini: I'm okay! Jason the Red ranger: Morphenomenal explosion! That ought to take care of Rita's putties. Tommy: I can only hope everyone else is having a crappy time.
In Scotland William Wallace's army was having its own troubles. William Wallace: (angered) Its just a PLANE. How hard is it to board a PLANE? Stephen: Sorry sir. It seems the men are saying that those planes are British monsters sent to kill them.
William: Just because it says British air, doesn't make it some British scheme. And it was the cheapest flight I could book on Priceline! Do you have any idea how expensive it is to book six thousand Scots in a plane in this economy. I already spend all my war chest in those PS3 that the men wanted so bad! Leonidas: (stands next to William and Stephen in concern) THIS IS LAAAAAME! WANNA GET TAAAAANKED! William: Why not? I only hope the other guys are in so much trouble.
Stephen: What are you doing here? You're Greek. Leonidas: THIS IS VACATIOOOOON!
The Galactic empire had its own troubles as their Star destroyers are assaulted by the Gutsy Galaxy Guard, and GaoGaiGar which is smashing the fleet with ease. Darth Vader: (strangling his Star Destroyers captain) You moron! What were you thinking?
Officer: Lord Vader GaoGaiGar is gonna use the Goldion hammer! Gunner: (freaking out) Oh god we are gonna die! Vader: Wait you stupid fucker! As GaoGaiGar strikes with his hammer the panicked gunner fires the Star Destroyers whole arsenal causing a ridiculously and unrealistically massive explosion that leaves everything in ruins.
At G.I. Joe's end the group in a that large battleship submarine thing from Sigma 6. Along with two unexpected stowaways hidden inside a set of lockers. Auel: Hey Sting. Why aren't we moving? Sting: Hell if I know, this wouldn't be happening if the embassy didn't shut down all commercial flights to stop whatever retarded stuff Kira is doing. And why did you even SUGGEST that Stellar should mail herself to another country? You know she has the IQ of a blueberry pie, AND needs constant adult supervision. Auel: True, we need to get one of those GPS microchips installed inside her head. Or institutionalize her ass. Sting: We already tried Auel, that and pyrofucker Shinn too. That's why we all didn't appear in Gundam SEED. Those two were in the nuthouse and we were trying to start our careers. You as a Broadway singer, and me as a lawyer. Auel: Is that Cobra commander and Destro inside those other lockers? Cobra commander: COBRA! Destro: You're gonna give us away sir. Besides we already have one overdone catchphrase in this show. Cobra commander: Stupid Tails doll! And why aren't we moving?
Outside the battleship G.I. Joe is fighting the Predacons. Megatron, Inferno, Quickstrike, Waspinator, Rampage, and Tarantulas. Beast Megatron: (flying above the battlefield firing flames from his dragon arm.) Kick their asses! Yes... We will have all their Energon soon and then we will kill Optimus Prime! Yes... Tarntulas: (in a corner huddled up) Why am I here? I mean, I'm technically born from Unicron. And I betrayed Megatron, and I died at the hands of those Vok assholes. So why am I here?
Waspinator: The box is not your friend, Waspinator is your friend.
While the duo is distracted Heavy duty launches a barrage of missiles blowing up Waspinator and barely missing Tarantulas. Tarantulas promptly transforms into his motorcycle form and leaves the battlefield. In the meantime. Duke: Let's go Joe's! We can do this! Scarlet, Heavy duty, flank them from the left! Firefly, Stone, Pin them down! Refrigerator Perry, go home, you aren't exactly useful for craps sake! You and Slaughter only existed for those gay ass PSA bits and to sell toys! Perry: Being a dick isn't cool! You should respect and appreciate everyone. Inferno blows up Perry into a million pieces from the waist up, leaving a fountain of blood and gore around the immediate area. Inferno: And now you know! Rampage: And knowing is half the battle!
A chorus then sings, G.I. Joe!
Inside the base again Sting, Auel and the Cobra leaders are wondering what is happening outside. Cobra commander: Lets get out of here Destro, this is boring. (tries to open the door on his locker) Crap, I'm stuck Destro, Sting, and Auel: Same here...
All four simultaneously: fuck...
But what about Chuck Norris and Jailbot? Well... GlaDOS: Well? Kyuubei: Anything? Alias: I've got nothing, anyway lets end this story arc. Its taken too damn long, and I'm sick of it. I've got better things to do than drag this mess on and on, I mean I wanted to end this thing one chapter and special ago .
We finally find ourselves in the Tora Bora mountains as we find ourselves at Al Queda's evil Afghan pancake house. Which looks oddly enough like a normal pancake house, only at the top of a foreboding, snowy, and barren mountain. The limousine that carries our heroes has just arrived and is passing inspection at the valet area. Where a snappily dressed Muslim boy was taking note of the heroes group. Valet boy: Ah! Mister Al-Zawahiri! So good of you to come! Who are your friends?
Ayman: These are my fellow terrorists, Athrun Zala, Shinn Asuka, Tails doll, Beecha Oleg, and a girl that we needed to sedate with 700cc. of Phenobarbital via injection to the bloodstream. Valet boy: (amazed) Wow you're the foreign terrorists who blew up Kabul! Athrun: (proudly) Yeah! I'm awesome aren't I? Valet boy: Yeah! But you still suck compared to Graham Aker! And almost all of the other Char clones! Even the ones in the Astray magna! Athrun: (mumbling angrily) You smug little son of a bitch.
Valet boy: Shouldn't we wake up that girl? Ayman: Maybe we can keep her drugged and rape her. Shinn: (appears ninja style behind Ayman) Try it and I will kill you so horribly it will make Madworld look like Sesame Street. Ayman: To the party!
We don't have a moment to lose! Valet boy: Look the impersonators are here! Ahmed get this car parked. I gotta greet the other guests.
As the valet boy goes to the bus where the Osama and Elvis impersonators are exiting we find Dick Cheney stumbling and nauseous he is being helped going down by Hajid and Abdullah an Osama Bin-Laden impersonator. Abdullah: I told you not to eat the roadside food Dick. That stuff is poisonous, even to Andrew Zimmerman. Hajid: Don't worry there is a doctor here, he'll look at you, pump out the poison and you will be good as new. Valet boy: Is there something wrong sirs? Hajid: Yes, take this man to the medical staff. Valet boy: Right away sir.
Our heroes are eventually led inside the pancake house, where they see a land of wonders. Gold and silver adorns every inch of the walls, fine carpeting, music, nearly nude women, food, drink, and even the cantina band from Star wars episode four playing in the background. Masses of the worlds most evil terrorists were gathered, mingling among themselves, and enjoying the party. Among those were Kim Jong-il chatting with Hitler's preserved brain, The Ayatollah of Iran hitting on some of the minors, Hugo Chavez boring everyone to sleep with his speeches. Justin Beiber signing autographs to screaming girls and men, Glenn Beck trying to sell bogus stock to Rasputin, Satan, and the Teletubbies among others. Athrun: (whispering) This place has some of the worst scum on the face of the Earth. Beecha: (whispering) We'd be freaking heroes if we caught these guys. Athrun: (whispering angrily) No way! We're only here to get Kira and get the hell out of here! I've had enough of your stupid job! I've got half a mind to kick you out of the house if we ever get back! Beecha: (gulps) sorry. Shinn: Damn carrying Stellar is hard! Stellar: (sleep mumbling) fire... fire... fire... Tails doll: So whats the plan Athrun? Athrun: We sneak out of the party, go find Kira, get out of here and then worry on how we can deprogram him.
Announcer: Greetings fellow evil doers! As you all know our comrade Osama Bin Laden died at the hands of Obama's military. This has dealt us the Brotherhood of zealots organized a fierce blow. Beecha: Who the hell are the Brotherhood of zealots organized? Ayman: Oh yes, I should have told you. The brotherhood is a group of which all rich conservatives form a part of, our goal is to rule the universe. Mainly because we have nothing better to do all day. Beecha: Why? Ayman: Look at us!
We already have everything we could ever need. Money, power, sex, everything. We get bored eventually and this is more fun than actually using our time and energy to help make the world a better place. Beecha: By the way, BOZO?
Ayman: Yes we know of our unfortunate acronym. Beecha: And Justin Beiber? Ayman: You mean grandmaster Beiber. You obviously don't comprehend the evil of Disney pop stars and boy bands.
Announcer: (continuing from before) But do not worry for we have found a new leader for Al Qaeda. And here he is Kira Yamato Mohhamed! The crowd erupts into cheers and applause as Kira appears wearing a flamboyant Arabic suit full of gems and robes. Kira: Thank you! Thank you all! I am quite grateful for your support. Athrun: Kira! What the hell are you doing you idiot? Kira: Screw you Athrun! You treat me like an idiot all day, always being a bully! Ever since we were kids!
Beecha: (amazed) Is that true Athrun? Athrun: I was just trying to toughen you up! Shows what I knew! I mean just because I tricked you into giving me your lunch money, introduced you to Lacus, dated your sister, and hit on your mother! You have to be a little bitch about all this! Were you even brainwashed in the first place? Kira: I wasn't, it was that they were actually nice to me and gave me pancakes! The crowd stood silent and shocked at Kira's anger and Athrun's confession. After a few awkward moments of silence Beecha speaks up. Beecha: So you are like the worst friend ever, and all this time you exploited Kira's sensitivity and naivete for your own selfish ends. Athrun: (worried) I wouldn't say exploiting...
The screen shifts to see Athrun, Shinn, Tails doll, Beecha, Ayman, and Stellar tied up in posts awaiting execution. Stellar is still asleep obviously. Beecha: (angry) Thank you Athrun Jacques Zala! If we weren't gonna die before, we sure are going to now!
Shinn: Yeah, thanks a lot you Boston French Canadian dick! Tails doll: Amen asshole! Ayman: Why am I even here? Stellar: (wakes up) Yawn! That was a nice nap. Shinn-kun why are we bound like this? And why is Kira there? And who are all the scary people? Shinn: I'll tell you when we get to the afterlife. Kira: Enough, are you all ready to die? Any last words you guys? Athrun: Yes I do. I am sorry. (sappy music begins to play) I know I took advantage of you and I never considered your feelings.
But you know what? You are my brother! Kira: (tearing up) Do you really mean it? Athrun: I do man. Athrun and Kira: Best friends forever! Terrorists: aww! Kira: Let them go! Terrorists: Yay! As the sappy music ends the group is released,
and Kira goes to them with a smile on his face and a spring in his step. Kira: Lets go home! Terrorists: HOORAY!
A wall then explodes besides the cheering group which reveals Dick Cheney deformed in figure, his stomach bloated half his face of Osama, half his own. With many tentacles coming out of his ass and lifting his body, while covered in the blood and skin of the Elvis and Bin Laden impersonators, becoming the monstrous Dickama the fat. Dickama: DICKAMA THE FAT DEMANDS MORE PIE! Athrun: Ready to fight Kira? Kira: Always Athrun!
In a split second Dickama is squashed flat by the backpack of Raphael Gundam which after falling back first into the building destroying half of it. Signaling the arrival of Celestial Being, as everyone in the house goes outside they see 00 Quanta, Zanbaya, Harute, and a collapsed Raphael in a conversation. Lockon: See? I told you you should have used the Dominions armor. That you screwed up in balancing the design, and that its ridiculously unwieldy in gravity. Tieria: Look I am an artist! Artists are always misunderstood! Besides its all I could get what what we could afford. Allelujah: Here we go again. Soma Peries: I'm missing The Rocky horror picture show for this? Setsuna: And im missing Pokemon Allelujah: Where is everyone anyway? Setsuna: It appears they didn't come after all. Lockon: Well, the building is wrecked and I see blood coming out so I guess we are done here. Haro: No one needs to know! No one needs to know! Tieria: I'll use Veda to check what happened when we get back.
Allelujah: Setsuna, (shocked) you like Pokemon?
Finally we return to Beverly Hills where everything is returning to normal as our heroes return from their latest and greatest adventure. Shinn, Stellar and Beecha are relaxing in the couch watching TV seemingly oblivious to the still catatonic Lalah Tails doll is entering the suitcases and Athrun and Kira are reminiscing about the situation. Athrun: Well it looks like the people in the plane were rescued and everyone in Blackwater thinks we're dead. So I say things worked out pretty well.
Kira: Yes, and our friendship is stronger than ever now! Athrun: Yup, Kira be a pal and get me a beer. Kira: Right away Athrun! Tails doll: What about everyone we killed in Afghanistan? Shinn: Who cares? Its over! Stellar: It was sure nice of the Al Qaeda people to send us back home after all that we did. Shinn: True, by the way. When are Sting and Auel gonna come back? Stellar: (huddles up to Shinn) I don't know Shinn-kun but they will be back soon enough.
Finally in the G.I. Joe battleship Sting, Auel, Cobra commander, and Destro are still stuck and yelling for help. Their cries are being ignored lost among the bowels of the ship. Auel: I'm hungry! Cobra commander: I need to go poopy. Oh wait, too late.
Destro: That is so gross sir.
To be continued...