Blame the Squirrel
A Chronicles of Narnia fanfic
Chapter 14: To Become a Lady
Nearly four hours later, Astra found herself running down the hallway, shrieking with glee as two sheepdogs attempted to herd her. Unfortunately, she could not blame the squirrel for this one.
It started when Gus insisted on taking Astra and Bianca to all his "favorites." Astra could not resist exploring as Gus rambled on. She waded in the creek, but dropped her skirts when a large bird startled her. She admired the tall trees, but promptly walked through a deep mud puddle. She sat in the meadow and made a daisy chain. ("That's my second favorite flower, but I don't eat that one because it is pretty!" exclaimed Gus.) Gus showed her his favorite tree to scratch his ear, and it just so happened to be the only tree in the middle of a sheep farm owned by the King. This tree was also currently being utilized as a toilet by the two sheepdogs that were on duty.
They were both dumb beasts, unable to speak. One happily continued relieving himself, while the other obviously was far classier and stopped. Their names, according to their dog tags, were Bo and Alexis and they showed their affection by herding. Thus, Astra found that they would nip at her heels and followed her wherever she went. Of course, this resulted in a marvelous game of tag, which subsequently was continued within the castle.
The maids were less than pleased with the arrangement, but Doctor Cornelius cheered her on and hobbled behind the chaos, ready to join in. It was not until she nearly bumped into Caspian and Maria had caught up with her that she stopped.
She had quickly rounded a corner and she slammed into Caspian. She hugged him so as to avoid falling as the dogs jumped around her. Caspian was just as surprised as she was, but maintained enough composure to making a clicking noise, causing the dogs to promptly lie down, their tongues hanging out of their grinning mouths.
"Lady Astra!" cried Maria. "Just look at yourself! Your dress is dirty and wet, covered in paw prints! And there are weeds in your hair!"
"It's a daisy chain," Astra chirped as an explanation, but it was unheard by Astra.
"And dogs in the castle?!"
"They wouldn't stop following me!"
"They do enjoy herding people," added Caspian for good measure. Maria could not exactly argue with the King, but was not afraid to give Astra an earful.
"It is time you acted like a lady! Come, we will get you cleaned up, and you will sit with Madam Perkins for the rest of the day."
"Madam Perkins? Who is she?"
"The Etiquette Mistress."
"Are you shitting me?"
"Language, Lady Astra. Only sailors curse, not ladies."
"I'm not a lady, so I'm going to say pass on this one."
"Actually, Astra," said Caspian, hesitating slightly before saying her name without her undeserved title, "Madam Perkins' lessons would be rather helpful for any upcoming formal banquets."
"I will fetch the largest encyclopedia I have!" added Doctor Cornelius, who had overheard the entire conversation. "And by the time Madam Perkins is done with you, you will be able to balance it on your head!"
"Oh joy," said Astra unenthusiastically. Within no time, Astra was sitting, now properly cleaned up, in a chair in the dining hall. On the table in front of her were plates, cups, and numerous silverwares. Sitting at the head of the table, quietly reading some documents, was King Caspian. Madam Perkins burst into the room, announcing herself and greeting Astra.
"So, I am to make you into a lady?"
"Apparently."
"Pretty girl, but too much cheek. No worries, Maria, you will see her blossom in front of your very eyes."
"I'm not a flower."
"No, but you are precious and delicate, like a flower."
"Queen Susan was a lady, but she wasn't delicate. From what I hear, she was an amazing archer."
"Which requires a delicate touch. You strike me as an intelligent woman, Lady Astra, but I fear you come off as argumentative."
"Because I think you're wrong."
"Oh, ha ha! What a sense of humor you have!" she cried. Then whispering to Maria, "I'll straighten that out too." Madam Perkins studied Astra for a moment. "You are slouching! Shoulders back, chin up, and stretch your spine toward the ceiling!"
"Like a flower trying to soak up the sun!"
"Yes, what a charming analogy!" Madam Perkins considered this her first victory, although Astra was being rather sarcastic. Madam Perkins then proceeded to dump Doctor Cornelius's book on Astra's head before she began to explain what every utensil was used for. "And this is your wine glass, and this is your water glass, and each plate is for a different course, and this fork is for salad, this is for the main course…" Astra spaced out a little, looking over at Caspian.
It seemed as though he lived at the dining room table. It was an unconventional choice as a work area, but he was always in meetings there and never seemed to move. Astra decided that he needed to get out more often. Perhaps she would help him do just that when he resolved to warm up to her.
"Lady Astra, have you been listening to a word I am saying? A lady listens with both ears and her mind, and encourages the speaker!"
"There are two cups, one for water, one for wine. There are as many plates as there are courses. There three knives: shellfish, meat, and butter. There are two spoons: soup and rice. And there are three forks: salad, main course, and desert. See, I was listening, I just don't think this is necessary."
"An obstinate attitude is not a becoming quality in a lady," scolded Madam Perkins. Astra rolled her eyes. "Your rudeness does not impress me, Lady Astra."
"Good thing I'm not trying to impress you." And the two wrestled on, both being equally tired of one another by nightfall.
"Good evening, Lady Astra," said a ragged Madam Perkins. "Our lesson will continue tomorrow. You will be learning social graces and ballroom dancing."
"Wow, I'm so excited I just may pee my pants."
"Remember, Lady Astra: poise, elegance, and charm!"
"I think I have found a kindred spirit in Madam Perkins," said Astra to Caspian.
"Really?" he said, looking rather surprised.
"I do believe she is just as stubborn as I am."
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