AN: Thanks go to northernexposure for beta reading this, even though real life has meant I haven't been able to keep up with her prolific muse and return the favour this week. And another big thank you, as ever, to Photogirl1890 for casting her eagle eyes over it despite its intrinsic JCness; and thanks again to everyone who has left a review.
Chapter fourteen
"This coffee smells terrible." Sveta sets her own cup down on the small table with a dramatic clatter and passes me mine, before seating herself opposite me.
"I'm sure I've had worse." I smile. Frankly, I'm surprised anyone could have anything but the lowest expectations of coffee from a replimat.
"It is good that we are alone. I have something to say to you," she tells me as soon as she's seated. After another mouthful of coffee and a grimace, she steeples her impossibly long white fingers, pressing her palms together and resting her lips against her fingertips.
"Oh?" I thought she seemed a little too keen to encourage Chakotay to take Gabriel off the minute they'd finished eating. They've gone to find the best vantage point on the station from which to see Voyager.
As she watches me she interlocks her pale digits, then lowers them to rest clasped in front of her. "I know we have not often seen eye to eye and you may not believe my opinion is worth hearing, but I would be grateful if you would hear it anyway."
"I won't deny that I haven't always found our conversations easy, Sveta, but if you knew me better, you'd know that I don't dismiss someone's opinion just because I don't share it."
"I am glad to hear this," she replies, and I believe her, because she glances to the side for a moment as if she's trying to choose her next words carefully – a first, I'd say, when she's in my company, at least.
"What is it you want to say?" I ask, my left hand balling reflexively into a fist, despite my intentions to keep an open mind.
Her gaze returns to mine and she fixes me with her cool grey eyes. "Chakotay wishes to adopt Gabriel."
"He told you?" I feel my eyebrows rise as the bottom drops out of my stomach.
"No."
I exhale my relief. It would have amazed me right now if Chakotay had left me out of his decision-making again without me realising.
"But I can tell this is what he wants," Sveta goes on immediately, still holding my gaze. "I see it in his face and I hear it between the lines of everything he says to me. There is nothing for Gabriel here. He is lost without Eduardo. I have felt it since the minute I arrived. This report Chakotay insisted on confirms what I already told him. It is time for the boy to start afresh somewhere new. Chakotay agrees that Gabriel cannot stay here, but he does not dare tell you what he really wants."
"I think you'll find that he is simply taking time to make the right decision," I state firmly, fingernails digging into my palm. "He has a great deal to consider."
"You think he is worried about his career?" Her tone stops just short of contemptuous incredulity.
"That's certainly one thing he'd need to think about."
'"It is not concern for his career that is holding him back."
Despite how annoying it is to be told what to think – and by Sveta of all people – I know in my heart that she's right. Maiara was part of Chakotay's family and I know that he loved Roberto like a brother. Family commitments have always come first for Chakotay. If I needed proof that this is still the case – which I don't – I only have to think about what he was prepared to do for Sekaya and her family only a few weeks ago.
"He is frightened he will lose you if he chooses to share his life with this child," she states, her level gaze unflinching.
I sigh out a breath, furious with myself. I should never have let myself get sucked into a debate with her. "Look, Sveta, I'm sure you mean well, but it's for Cha-"
"Is he right to fear this?" She cuts me off. "Are you unwilling to commit to sharing the care of a child?"
Laying both hands flat on the table, I push myself quickly up to standing. But rather than read this as a sign that I'm determined to end this discussion, Sveta seems to take my lack of verbal reply as confirmation.
"Well, then, you need not worry," she continues immediately. "Gabriel will live with me. I never imagined that I would have a child, but I can change my life if need be." Then she raises one of her long fingers. "Although I have not forgotten that Roberto and Maiara did not choose me - and they could have. So, I will try to ensure that we are on Earth whenever Chakotay is."
Even though I'm standing at the side of the table now, desperately scanning the Promenade for Chakotay and Gabriel, my body language screaming of my discomfort, Sveta still continues.
"I have already told Gabriel he will be coming to Earth with me in my ship when I leave tomorrow," she informs me.
My eyes snap back to hers at this, betraying, I'm sure, both my surprise and dismay. "You should have waited for Chakotay to tell him what will happen now."
"The child needed certainty," she replies, clearly unrepentant. "He needs to know he is wanted."
Then, much to my surprise, I discover I have nothing to say to that. Because, actually, I think I agree with her. While I'm still processing this, Chakotay and Gabriel reappear.
The little boy's excitement about having finally set eyes on his favourite starship is palpable and infectious. I find myself smiling, despite the pulses of confusion ricocheting between my head and my heart.
Gabriel climbs onto the chair that I've just vacated opposite Sveta.
"We could see underneath. I saw the nacelles and the deflector, and where they eject the warp core!" Then he twists round to look at me. "Where do you sit on the bridge?"
My discomfort under control again, I lean in and lower my voice to a stage whisper. "Don't tell Chakotay, but if he's not there, I sit right back in the centre, in the captain's seat."
He smiles. "Can you tell them to go to slipstream drive whenever you like?"
I stand tall again. "Well, yes, pretty much. And it certainly comes in handy when you need to leave somewhere in a hurry."
Chakotay comes to stand behind Gabriel's chair and I can feel the warmth of Chakotay's gaze on me as the child reels off a seemingly endless string of questions.
When I've answered as many as I can – Gabriel listening intently, committing my answers to memory, I suspect – Sveta stands. She says that before they catch the shuttle back to Bajor, they just have enough time to visit a concession on the Promenade that sells some new snack from the Gamma Quadrant that she thinks Gabriel will like. They head off in front of us.
Chakotay and I make our way slowly to the embarkation point to wait for them. We may be in uniform still, but we're no longer on duty, so I take Chakotay's arm.
As there isn't much time, I get straight to the point. "Ideally, would you like Gabriel to be with you all the time?"
"I was planning for us to talk about all of this as soon as we'd seen them off," he replies as we walk.
I know a long discussion in a private setting would probably be sensible, but Sveta's words about the little boy needing certainty are still echoing around my head. "And what were you planning to say?" I press. A flicker of tension enters his expression as I watch his face.
"I would like him to be with me, yes," he confirms. "But I've been asking myself whether it would be in his best interests. I don't know if I would ever be able to provide the sort of stable base a child needs."
I nod. "I understand what you're saying, but I think he'd adapt. Starfleet children often grow up moving around a great deal, and a stable parent is more important than a stable place."
"True. But I don't know if it's right to expose him to the possibility of more loss – given the life I lead, the job I do..."
Turning to me fully, he slows to a stop and leads me over to the side of the walkway, out of the way of any passersby. We stand facing one another, a little way from the shuttle embarkation point. He takes both my hands in his.
"But you know that my main worry is about us," he says quietly, the anxiety he's feeling all too evident now. "Can you honestly say you could see yourself as part of that plan?"
"Yes." I squeeze his fingers, willing him to believe me. "You have to trust me to help shoulder your burdens."
"That's just it." His gaze drops to our joined hands, then he looks up again. "I don't see Gabriel as a burden. I know it won't be straightforward, but I want to do this, Kathryn." Dark eyes intense and serious, he swallows. "But, I also know it could tear me apart if I lose you again."
As I open my mouth to reply, a head of sleek brown hair enters my peripheral vision and looks up at me and I'm silenced by the realisation that Gabriel and Sveta have returned. We turn as one to face them.
Gabriel's focus is on Chakotay. "We saw the wormhole open."
"Gabriel made a wish – as did I – when we saw it," Sveta adds, her eyes on me. Then, with an enigmatic smile, she offers me one of the small black triangular items from the little paper bag she is carrying – I decline.
"Sveta says her ship would fit inside Voyager," the boy tells Chakotay.
"That's right," Chakotay replies.
Her expression composed and as unreadable to me as ever, Sveta observes the two of them.
"She said we can go to Earth on Voyager with you, if you say it's okay." Arms by his sides, fists clenched, the boy holds himself incredibly still as he waits on Chakotay's reply.
It would be completely justifiable for Chakotay to be furious with Sveta for putting him in this position, but if he is, even I can't tell.
"Well," he replies slowly, his hand covering the child's shoulder, "I think that would be more than okay. Permission to come aboard granted."
A small spluttering sound issues from Gabriel's lips, and, at first, I'm not sure what it is, until I read the delight in his eyes. He doesn't say anything, but he smiles, and I find myself smiling with him.
Then he looks at Chakotay, his eyes alive with cautious interest. "Where do you live on Earth?"
Chakotay glances at me for a split second, then opens his mouth to reply.
I beat him to it. "He lives with me," I tell Gabriel. "And when you come to Earth, that's where you'll live too."
As Chakotay and I hold each other's gaze for a moment over the little boy's head, something powerful passes between us.
"Although," I add, with a quirk of my chin and a smile, "we'll need to get a bigger apartment."
Then, he drops down to gently clasp the child by the upper arms. "What Kathryn is saying is that we'd like you to come live with us, in San Francisco, as long as it's what you want as well. We'll arrange for you to spend time with Sveta too."
Gabriel nods.
"You can tell Sveta what you think about the idea tonight, and we'll all talk tomorrow, on our way to Earth. Do you think that'd be okay?"
"Yeah. Yes please." Gabriel looks suddenly serious, as if he's well aware of the significance of this conversation.
"If you change your mind once you get back to Bajor," Chakotay says to him, "that's okay too. Sveta will tell me and we'll make other plans."
"I don't want to change my mind," the boy replies immediately, staring directly at Chakotay, a determined expression on his face.
Chakotay dips his head for a moment. "You know you would have to come with me on some of Voyager's missions."
"Children can come on whole missions?" Gabriel's eyes widen a little and he rolls his lip inwards as he listens intently.
"On some missions, yes. If the captain agrees." Chakotay smiles. "We'll have a tutor on board – so you won't miss out on school. And there'll be other children coming with us on the next mission too. You'll get to know them. And on Earth, my cousin Kohana has four children, human like you. Two of them are about your age. You'll meet them one day. They're a part of our family too."
"Okay." Gabriel nods.
"We must go now, Chakotay," Sveta says, touching Chakotay's arm.
Chakotay turns to face her quickly, catching my eye in passing. I get the impression that, like me, he's been so involved in this conversation that he's almost forgotten about the imminent departure of the shuttle.
Our goodbyes are quick and cheerful, as we know we'll be together again tomorrow when they come aboard Voyager for the trip back to Earth.
XxX
5 days later
"Tom, Miral, hello. What can I do for you?"
"Is this a bad time?" Tom frowns, taking in the scene in the galley. "We can come back later."
"No need. We're just making dinner."
"I'm hungry," Miral says.
"You just ate!" Tom replies, his expression somewhere between affronted and perplexed.
Gabriel reappears from the back where I'd sent him in search of a utensil suitable for stirring. He holds up a strange looking five-pronged tool, quite possibly dating back to Neelix's time. "I found this," he tells me.
"Good work." I smile. "That'll do nicely."
He takes in the new arrivals. Tom says hello, Miral stares.
Gabriel glances quickly back to me. "Shall I do it now?"
"Absolutely."
Coming back to my side, he climbs up onto the two-step stool I put in front of the hot plates for him and pokes the new utensil into the pan.
"I want to see," Miral announces, prodding Tom to pick her up. He lifts her onto his hip with an ease that makes me envious – last time I tried to pick her up I immediately wished I hadn't – and she peers into the pan.
"What's on the menu then, Admiral?" Tom asks.
"Vegetable chilli. One of Gabriel's grandpa's recipes."
"So, you decided not to use the replicator?" he enquires, innocently enough.
"We did."
"Surely you're not still having issues with the replicator in the captain's quarters?"
"Perish the thought." I glare at him. "No. Gabriel is used to helping cook with fresh food, and we had the time this evening, so I thought we'd try out the facilities in here. Admiral and Captain's privilege."
"Of course," Tom replies. "After all, this did used to be your private dining room."
Gabriel turns to catch my eye, surprised, as he carefully stirs the food.
"It's true." I smile. "It did. But I decided it was a little bigger than I needed."
"Well, it certainly looks like you tried out a lot of things," Tom remarks, casting his eyes over the preparation surfaces littered with vegetable peelings, knives of various sizes and heaps of several different herbs and spices.
"You made a mess," Miral says solemnly.
Gabriel looks quickly to me.
"Guess we did rather." I shrug, wiping my hands on the oversized cream coloured chef's apron I have on. "Oh well. Chakotay will be here in a moment. And there are some Janeway family rules I'm about to remind him of. One of them is 'she who cooks must never clear up.' And that includes the cook's assistant obviously."
"I don't like clearing up," Miral announces with conviction.
"But you always do such a great job, sweetie," Tom tells her. She stares at him, looking singularly unimpressed. Then he leans down to drop his quiet comment into my ear. "More positive reinforcement – B'Elanna's latest theory."
Stifling a snort of laughter, I smile at him. "Is there anything I can do for you two, or were you just looking for a snack?"
"Can I have a snack?" Miral asks immediately.
Tom rolls his eyes accusingly at me. I shrug.
"I tracked you here to ask whether the four of you would like to come to our spacious quarters for dinner tomorrow," he says.
"That's very kind. I'll ask the others and we'll let you know. The replicator and Sveta have done most of the catering so far. Gabriel and I thought we'd give them a night off tonight."
Tom's eyes fall on Gabriel. "What do you think of the replicator, Gabriel?"
The boy looks cautiously at Tom. "It's good," he says quietly.
"I bet you'll get the hang of it quickly," Tom assures him. "Miral loves being allowed to experiment," he confides. Then he catches my eye and grins. "But real food like this is definitely the best."
"How's the rice coming?" I ask Gabriel.
He peers into the other pan. "It's kind of lumpy," he replies matter-of-factly.
"Really?" I frown. It's only rice, for God's sake! I mean, how hard can it be? Picking up a fork ready to test it, I lean down to take a closer look just as I hear the swish of the mess hall doors followed by some very familiar footfalls.
"Relax, Admiral," Tom says with a smile. "The cavalry has arrived."
XxX
Propped up on one elbow, right hand supporting my head, I let the fingers of my left hand trace the contours of his broad chest and I watch his face. At this moment, he's radiating contentment. There is so much love in his half-open eyes that it makes me acutely aware of just how lucky I am. Of just how much we've grown together, how much is different – better, stronger – between us now and how much has endured despite the dizzying number of changes we've been obliged to live through.
He reaches over and captures my roaming hand and stills it, his thumb pressing gently into my palm while his fingers gently curl around mine. "I'm so relieved you want to do this," he tells me.
"I do want to." I pivot my head as it rests supported in the ball of my other hand, and my gaze travels down past the end of the bed to the streaks of light in the depths of space outside. "But that doesn't mean it isn't an intimidating prospect."
"Believe me, Kathryn," he lets go of my hand to reach up and take my chin, bringing my gaze back to his. "I feel the same. But, it'll be a new challenge – for both of us."
"I'm sure there'll be plenty who will say it's madness for us to even attempt it." I purse my lips. "My sister for one."
"I'm sure there will." His long fingers release my chin to brush the hair from my cheek. Then they delicately ghost their way slowly down my neck, my shoulder, my arm. "But we choose our own path."
"We do."
Only time will tell if it proves to be a challenge too far for me – for us. But I can't bear for him to have to do this on his own, any more than I can countenance the idea of losing him again right now.
"And we are both mature, sensible adults." I splay the fingers of my free hand flat against the virtually hairless muscular plane of his chest. "Both remarkably resilient and emotionally stable, given everything we've been through. And there's always room for one more in the Voyager family."
"Couldn't have put it better myself." He smiles.
"That said, I don't mind telling you that I have no real idea how to be a parent."
"You're no ordinary woman, and I doubt you'll be an ordinary parent. But he's no ordinary little boy, so I think it'll be a good fit."
"Well, if you really think so, then I'll try to believe it too."
"Good." He captures my hand again, bringing it to his lips. "And we look for a larger apartment then?"
"With at least three bedrooms and a bigger living room."
"And a bigger study."
"Two studies." I tap his chest twice. "Then I can spread, and I won't have to listen to you talking to yourself while you work."
"I don't talk to myself!"
"And, I'm feeling positive about my next move at the Academy too. I'm looking forward to the New Year." I slide my hand up to the back of his neck and I lean further across him, my face close enough to his to taste his minty breath.
"Oh, I feel certain the future will be bright," he murmurs.
I cup his face. "And we face it together."
He lifts his head a fraction to press his lips to mine. "Together."
[TBC]