Disclaimer: Don't own anything
Note: Thank you all for the reviews! I appreciate them and hope you will like this chapter :)
This will be one chapter! There was no good point to divide so I decided to make one huge one. ^^
Special thanks to PaulaGay for beta-reading :D
Chap 14: Confessions
Breakfast went rather strangely for Byakuya.…
Rukia, his cousin and Daisuke were eating gracefully and the proper amounts, all of the humans showed manners except Kurosaki who was shoveling the food into his mouth and showed no table manners at all, but Renji…the red-head surpassed all of them Byakuya had to admit.
Renji was eating amounts that Byakuya counted as his daily ration, if not even more, he wasn't eating them either…he was like Kurosaki shoveling them into his mouth, but, and Byakuya had to give him this much credit, with decent table manners. Well when he thought more about it, Renji's and Ichigo's table manners resembled those of Shihouin Yoruichi; only it was obvious that the red-head subconsciously put some grace into it.
When Byakuya and the others were done, Renji and Ichigo were still eating. He understood that Renji was hungry: yesterday he didn't eat much, the days prior he was only allowed soup and for 5 days before that he didn't get anything to eat at all, so that was understandable, but Kurosaki? The substitute was free to eat last evening and surely the book research couldn't be that exhausting.
The food available to be devoured was decreasing in its amount until just one banana was left and both were grabbing it. 'Now it will get interesting,' the noble thought while watching the display.
'You shouldn't take pleasure in such things Byakuya-sama; and certainly not when it's a banana that's left,' Senbonzakura scolded him and Byakuya didn't quite know what the samurai was implying.
'It's just a banana Senbonzakura, both could live without it,' the raven-head retaliated.
'Well were we talking about any being except Zabimaru's master I would agree, but it is Abarai Renji, master of Zabimaru the nue, who is for the most part a baboon, and I think you would enjoy seeing him eat that banana,' the samurai replied and Byakuya could nearly hear the smug grin his zanpakutou was certainly wearing.
Oh now it became ridiculous! Those two were arguing over a banana! He had to interfere before it became any more degrading.
'You are sure that this is the only reason you take action?' again Senbonzakura teased him.
But Byakuya ignored it and instead scolded both men, "Stop that, both of you, to fight over a banana is really disgraceful. Especially when it is obvious that Abarai is the one who deserves it."
"WHAT?! Why should Renji get the banana?" Ichigo yelled pointing a finger at the madly grinning red-head.
"Because, Kurosaki, he can use the nutrition the banana has due to his forced starvation and therefore lack of said nutrition," the noble said calmly and pierced Ichigo with his gaze which caused the substitute to squirm where he sat.
Renji on the other hand was totally unfazed and grabbed the banana, with a smug self-satisfied grin, and began to peel it for eating. He slowly took the banana in his mouth and basked in the taste, effectively stilling his action and causing a satisfied moan to escape. While the others were oblivious to the display only Byakuya, his cousin and Daisuke saw it as something really naughty; causing Byakuya to inconspicuously swallow his saliva.
Renji himself was oblivious to the way he ate the banana and just how sinful he looked while doing it, but the raven-head couldn't help but be drawn to that display. Those luscious lips engulfing the banana and the tongue poking inconspicuously out of the mouth to taste something more of the delicious fruit; all that caused Byakuya to feel very hot all of a sudden and so he rose from his seat and went straight to his room.
'See? I told you, you wanted him to have the banana not only because he could use the nutrition…' the samurai said in his mind and Byakuya felt really annoyed right now. Senbonzakura became from day to day more daring and he wondered what influence the nue had on that.
Shortly after he closed the door a soft knock sounded and with his invitation to enter Renji came into his room, the banana absent, probably already eaten.
"Abarai. What is it you came for?" the taichou asked without even looking at the man, still too embarrassed to look him in the eye.
"I'm sorry for right now. I know how much you hate it when Ichigo and I argue over trivial things. So I just wanted to apologize. Gomen nasai taichou," the red-head said bowing to the back of his taichou, not wanting the man to be mad at his behavior just now.
"You don't have to apologize Abarai, it is understandable that you were hungry; after all it's been a while since you ate solid food, but if it makes you feel better I will accept your apology," the raven-head said, trying to comfort the red-head while turning so that he was face to face with him.
Renji looked at him with a smile on his lips, but his eyes were filled with sadness, so the goofy attitude was just for the others, to fool them into thinking that he was alright, but why drop the façade in his presence?
'Because he trusts you, you should know that especially after last night,' Senbonzakura told him, trying to bring him in the right direction with his actions.
'You think I should ask what is wrong with him? What makes you sure he will answer?' Byakuya asked his spirit doubtfully.
'Nothing. You can never be sure, but you want him to be well again so I think you should at least try Byakuya-sama, maybe he will open up to you. I know you considered that his mental state would be a hindrance to his physical recovery, so shouldn't he first get rid of his mental issues?' the samurai sounded, effectively convincing Byakuya.
"Is something the matter Renji?" the raven-head asked not approaching, because he couldn't know how the red-head would react.
"Uhm, yes actually there is something.… Can we, uhm…talk?" he asked shyly, rubbing his neck.
Byakuya nodded his head in agreement and motioned for Renji to take a seat at the table in the corner of his room, while he sealed the room with his privacy spell.
When both men were seated an awkward silence descended on them, Renji not knowing how to phrase what he wanted to say and Byakuya not knowing if he should say something at all.
After some minutes of silence Renji was the first to speak, "Arigatou for talking with me taichou…I really appreciate it," he said with a weak smile.
"It is only natural for a taichou to listen to his fuku-taichou if there is need for it," the noble said and was confused when suddenly the red-head let out something that sounded like a weak laugh.
"You know Taichou, you probably are not aware of it, but it's not natural for a taichou to be there for his fuku-taichou, so I'm glad you are here now…ah and there were times when you wouldn't have bothered, but I'm glad those times are over and we can speak, because I need to speak with someone. I see that now. I tried to manage all by myself, but that won't work so I need to speak with someone. No offense sir, but I can't go to Rukia, she would worry too much, and no one else comes into consideration and seeing as you are my taichou and I think we are friends I have the feeling we can talk about it without someone losing it or breaking out into tears. So, yeah if you don't mind?" Renji asked him dragging a hand over his tired face and Byakuya had to admit the man now looked more tired than he had ever seen him.
"I am here to listen, take your time Renji and my offer from last night still stands, you may call me Byakuya while we are alone," he replied, knowing this would put the red-head in front of him at ease, even if only a tiny bit.
"Arigatou, Tai-eh Byakuya. I just need a little time, gathering my thoughts… you know how bad I am when it comes to thinking." And surprisingly he chuckled a bit at his joke, but he couldn't fool the raven-head, who could only imagine how much pain Renji must feel.
"Okay… I think I have it, if you don't mind Tai-eh Byakuya I would like to start from the beginning." He looked at his taichou and upon seeing a nod in agreement continued, "You know how we were drinking last Sunday night… and well I got totally wasted again, which you probably already knew. Izuru brought me home, that much I can remember, and then I passed out on my futon and when I woke up I was in that shack were you found me, with no reiatsu and well essentially nothing but my clothes. The bastard who took me was already there when I woke and was just waiting for me to wake up. I couldn't see anything of him…he was absolutely unrecognizable with all the clothes and the mask he wore, add to that that he had some kind of device that altered his voice. I think we should ask Kisuke later about it, maybe he knows something…but he revealed some useful information to me. You know how you always scolded me for not paying enough attention? Heh, that burned itself in my mind. The guy was the one who sent me the orchids that day in the office, saying because I refused him he had to take me," Renji paused, waiting for the raven-head to assess the information given and didn't get disappointed, because Byakuya seemed to get an idea, seeing as he now had a frown on his face.
"That incident was a while ago, unfortunately we won't get any remaining reiatsu… and we will, when you are physically better, go to Urahara and ask him if he knows of possibilities to alter one's voice. Did he make any mistakes while you were his captive?" he asked, looking Renji straight in the eyes and becoming fascinated as he saw the red-head smirk and his eyes take on a dangerous fire-like hue.
"Actually yeah he did. He was careful in suppressing my reiatsu, but he underestimated my physical abilities. Although I hate it that I grew up in Inuzuri I have to admit, that that was my biggest aid in that situation. Life there made me able to live days without food or water and I was able to keep that ability up until now. After, oh I don't know how long, but after what felt like an eternity I was able to attempt an escape. The chain, where the cuffs were attached, wasn't well bound to the ceiling and after I put some of my weight on it I was able to get free and knocked my guard out. When I exited the shack it was midnight, but he came back just at that moment and Tai-eh Byakuya… he is good. He can use Hakuda very well and even use Shunpo… so whoever he is, he is either a Shinigami himself or someone living in the Seireitei," he explained further and their eyes met meaningfully.
"With 'someone living in the Seireitei' you mean nobles. Renji I must ask you this: Was there any opportunity for you to see even a sliver of his skin?" he asked, tension rising and both sets of eyes taking a hard edge to them.
After a short affirmative nod Renji explained further, "Actually yeah there was. You know what he did to me, that he raped me and truth be told, when I got the opportunity I figured that even a glimpse of his skin, no matter where, would be a step in the right direction. His skin was snow-white and when he revealed his lips I could see a scar running down his chin. First I thought nothing of it, but when that weird dream came to me yesterday that detail caught me and I knew it was important. Oh yeah before I forget. I had a nightmare yesterday afternoon. After I left your office Shuhei paid me a visit and when he left all the exhaustion from yesterday caught up with me and I fell asleep. To be honest with you Byakuya…that nightmare was the reason why I wanted to speak with you. It revealed to me that I had to tell someone and that you are the only one I could go to, I could trust you no matter what, if I hadn't told you it would have destroyed me completely. I can't tell you the details of that dream yet, but I promise that, when I'm ready, I will tell you. I have the feeling that it will be important someday." When Renji finished he felt a lot of his strength coming back to him and knew that he could try to use Zabimaru again, after all the zanpakutou needed a lot of physical strength.
"I certainly won't pressure you to tell me Renji and I am relieved that you told me all this, it must have been difficult for you and I promise I will keep it with me and tell no one of this. How about we try to get you back on your legs? The faster you make progress the faster we can search for whoever assaulted you." Looking into the red-head's eyes he saw a strange sparkle lingering there.
"You see Taichou I feel way better now and I think we can begin to train again, I won't be able to use bankai, but at least we could start with a light shikai match?"
Byakuya found that he couldn't resist the madly grinning red-head and gestured for him to follow. After releasing the privacy spell Byakuya led them to his private training grounds.
Thoughts of white-skinned, scarred nobles kept entering his mind and he didn't like it that one Kuchiki Naraku wouldn't leave his circle of suspects.
After a while everyone came to the training grounds to see what they couldn't believe they felt. When Renji released Zabimaru a surge of fire-hot and burning reiatsu went through their bodies causing them to rush to the grounds and watch.
And watch they did and they couldn't believe it. Renji was using Zabimaru's shikai as if not one day separated them; swinging, flicking and raising his blade in a way no one else could.
So Renji's strength had come back, but they wondered how it came back and how exactly it was possible that it came back this fast, but it was true Renji was at least back with his shikai and that was at least something.
After some hours Renji was sweating and panting like mad, something a week ago wouldn't have happened after such training, but it was understandable. Only because he could fight again didn't mean that he would be able to use his bankai anytime soon, but that didn't matter to them. Renji was back, period.
Suddenly Byakuya sealed Senbonzakura and Renji followed suit and sealed Zabimaru.
"That was very good Renji, but I think it would be best to eat lunch now, don't you agree?" the noble asked while approaching the sweating red-head.
"Oh yeah lunch!" the red-head exclaimed enthusiastically.
Just to get his hopes crushed by Byakuya saying, while scrutinizing him, "First you should take a shower."
With a nod Renji shunpo'd to his room, showered very quickly and met them at the table in the garden for lunch, which went exactly like breakfast, which Byakuya should have figured out sooner…
After lunch Byakuya and Renji immediately returned to the training grounds, not even bothering to excuse themselves from the others, only seeing their mission; which caused some to frown.
"I never saw Byakuya leave the table without excusing himself…what's up with them?" Ichigo asked the others, frowning at the spot where both Shinigami stood until just now.
"Well it seems they are determined to bring the Abarai Renji you once knew back," Kazuhiro explained and saw that the substitute didn't understand what he meant.
"But he is Renji, how can they bring back the Renji we knew? He's the same," Ichigo retaliated.
Just to be fixed, again, in Kazuhiro's azure blue gaze, saying in a low serious tone, "That just shows how much you know of real life Kurosaki-san."
Byakuya and Renji reached the training grounds and stood facing each other.
After looking each other in the eyes they began to charge at one another, clashing their swords and putting pressure on them. After realizing that this was ineffective Byakuya jumped back readying himself for his next attack and hoping the red-head would block or dodge in time.
When Renji had a solid stance again he saw that Byakuya immediately shunpo'd towards him. 'Senka!'of course he recognized the move, he would recognize it even blind. Luckily for him the raven-head was fighting just a little above his current standards and so Renji was able to block the first strike just in time, but he was not able to block the second strike, which he knew would be impossible, so he shunpo'd to his right, away from the arc Senbonzakura would be swinging, effectively causing his taichou to hit nothing but air; much to the raven-heads relief. Both came to a stop, Renji panting heavily and Byakuya letting him catch his breath. From the side of the grounds applause was heard and when both turned their heads they were approached by Ukitake and Kyouraku.
"Ah! Abarai-kun! How good to see you up and about again. It really is boring without you…" Shunsui said with a light slur to his tone and Renji could only stare at him…every time he was amazed how someone could drink that much without getting overly wasted…
"With all respect, but what are you doing here? We are training," Byakuya broke the light mood with his impassive tone, that strangely leaked with venom…why that was he didn't know himself after all he liked the men, but they were interrupting Renji's precious training.
"Yes we can see that Byakuya and didn't want to interfere, just congratulating Abarai-san for his quick recovery," Juushiro tried to calm the other, but apparently that didn't work, seeing as the raven-head was glaring at them.
"Arigatou Ukitake-taichou, but I'm still far from having my old strength back…right now I can only use the simplest moves of my Shikai, so there is no reason to cheer yet," Renji replied, supporting his weight with the sealed katana and regarding both senior taichous with a friendly smile, which only Byakuya knew to be fake.
"Then I hope my gift to you, which I gave Byakuya, will help you to get well soon," Ukitake said in that cheerful voice of his, smiling at the red-head, Byakuya tried to suppress the desire to roll his eyes… really they had other things to worry about and so, to try to put an end to this conversation, he said, "You will get your candy later Abarai, first we need to continue our training." Ukitake and Kyouraku knew a dismissal when they heard one from the noble and took stances at the side of the training grounds to watch. Renji firmly nodded his head and took his position again.
When Byakuya charged at the red-head this time it was with enormous speed and just as he reached the red-head he vanished out of sight and appeared behind the other man, preparing a strike. His eyes widened when his strike was suddenly caught by one of Zabimaru's spikes. 'So he can release his Shikai again without a single word… interesting; he gets better,' he thought while thinking of a way to free Senbonzakura from the fangs.
'What did you expect? Both he and Zabimaru are more than eager to regain their former strength and that attack would have hit, if he hadn't released the Shikai,' the samurai sounded in his mind.
'Do you think we should take a higher stage?' the raven-head asked not entirely sure if the red-head could handle it.
'Just try Byakuya-sama. You know that he needs to be challenged to improve and that will just prove that,' Senbonzakura reassured him.
Still entangled with the fangs of a released Zabimaru, Byakuya saw only one option to get out of the hold, "Chire, Senbonzakura." And immediately the blade dissolved into thousand tiny sakura petal-like blades.
With widening eyes Renji backed off, knowing that he couldn't defend himself in such close proximity with the blades. While the blades of a released Senbonzakura were swirling through the air Renji tried to find a pattern in the movements… something that could indicate from which direction his taichou would attack, but never finding one. Frowning he readied himself for whatever was about to come and Byakuya had to admit, that the red-head had become much wiser. In the past he would just have charged at him, but now he waited for him to make the first move, because he was aware of being at a disadvantage and needed to react and not act and so Byakuya gave him just that.
Suddenly the blades closed in on Renji from every direction and he had just one option left to get out of it with as few wounds as possible: he jumped into the air and swung Zabimaru in a wide arc above his head. Byakuya, expecting a sudden attack from the red-head, divided his concentration, which caused the blades to slightly slow their pace, just to be surprised that Renji didn't attack, but swung Zabimaru the way so he would be encircled in a ball of blades, shielding him from the assault of Senbonzakura.
Juushiro and Shunsui were in the meantime joined by Rukia, Kazuhiro, Daisuke, Rikichi and the humans; all watching in awe as the blades of Senbonzakura unsuccessfully tried to penetrate the barrier that was Zabimaru.
Much like the perfect defense that was Hihio Zabimaru the Shikai seemed to be equally useful as a wall to shield its master.
When Byakuya's attack subsided Renji sniffed a chance to make his own attack, the effort of keeping the barrier catching up with him. But Renji didn't give up, panting he swung his blade down, effectively extending the blades and the front fang rushing towards his taichou with extreme speed. With widening eyes the raven-head was just able to raise a shield of blades with his hands, bringing the blade of Zabimaru crashing into it and stopping Renji's attack.
While Renji dropped back to the ground Byakuya dissolved his shield again into his thousand petals and he could only watch the man in front him, panting and sweating. Zabimaru came back to his master and resumed his form as the huge katana it could be used as; if Renji decided he wanted to use it like that, but still determination shone in his eyes.
Byakuya sealed Senbonzakura again, knowing that right now it wouldn't be wise to use his shikai any further, to his surprise Kazuhiro entered the grounds and stood beside him.
"What do you think Abarai-dono? Should we spar for a little while?" he asked, azure blue meeting fire-red and Kazuhiro was surprised to see that all his gaze did was to heat the red-head even more to the coming battle.
"Yeah, why not? You're Taichou's cousin, right? Ah but if I could make a proposal? How about sealed zanpakutou only?" Renji tried to negotiate, hoping the man would have mercy on him…
"Hm. Sure why not? Sealed only it is then," Kazuhiro confirmed with a nod, burning for the fight to start; something he hadn't felt for a long time.
And so Renji sealed Zabimaru and took his stance, now calmly breathing again; for a split second he met the eyes of his taichou and saw approval lingering in those steel gray eyes he loved to look at.
After Byakuya arrived at the side-lines the two men charged at one another.
"Yare, yare quite the energy Abarai-kun has there…" Shunsui remarked, eyes not once leaving the men on the field and Byakuya had to admit, even if only to himself, that Shunsui was right. Renji already fought him the whole day and was panting heavily but held himself very well against the other noble.
They stood there watching for what felt like hours and indeed it was hours, because the sun was sinking again and both men were now exhausted.
Renji and Kazuhiro put their swords in their respective sheaths and bowed respectfully towards one another.
"That was great Abarai-dono. I knew you to be a great fighter, but I had no idea!" Kazuhiro said approaching the panting red-head.
"Ah Arigatou Kuchiki-sama… but please call me Renji, if that's alright." Kazuhiro answered with a nod and both went to their watchers.
"Renji! That was amazing! You fought so well against Nii-sama and then against Kazuhiro-sama! I'm so proud of you!" Rukia exclaimed and rushed into his midsection, crushing his ribs in a hug.
"Ru-Rukia… air… I need air…" Renji breathed and now Rukia released him from her death-grip.
"Gomen, it's just…I'm so proud of you," she said, eyes becoming teary to see her first big brother with such strength again.
Ichigo felt jealous again…not because of the fights, but because Rukia was again this close to the red-head and not to himself…
Byakuya merely watched the exchange with amusement, after all he heard that the red-head loved him, and so there was no need to feel jealous. 'Hm, I probably should approach the subject after dinner…' the clan-head thought, not entirely sure how to approach such a delicate subject exactly…
'Wait a bit after dinner, then go to him, give him a bit time to settle down for the evening it was a tiring day for him,' Senbonzakura advised.
"Let's go, it is dinner time. Ukitake-taichou, Kyouraku-taichou, Rikichi you are invited to dine with us, if you desire so," he invited them, already knowing the senior taichous would agree, he wasn't so sure about Rikichi.
"Ah what a pleasure that would be Byakuya! Of course we will dine with you," Shunsui exclaimed, putting his arm on Juushiro's shoulder.
Rikichi wasn't really sure if he wanted to dine with all these people… his taichou and Renji-san? Yeah… that wouldn't be a problem, but the senior taichous? And all those humans? But that decision was taken out of his hands when Renji said, wolfish grin plastered on his face, "Don't even think about declining Rikichi… to eat with three taichous…which unseated officer can say that of himself?"
And Rikichi had to admit…not one unseated officer could say that!
And so they all followed Byakuya to the dinner table.
Dinner was even more chaotic then breakfast and lunch, seeing as Kyouraku Shunsui was in attendance…he tried to give everyone sake, but everyone politely declined, well Ichigo not so. He screamed into Shunsui's face that he certainly was NOT interested in sake.
Byakuya ignored that display; he was relieved that Kurosaki and Abarai weren't arguing over an egg roll.
After dinner they departed for their respective quarters or homes, with only Rikichi staying and asking to have a small talk with Renji, which the red-head agreed to.
And Byakuya decided to leave the subject of his feelings for Renji for another day; he had a visitor after all.
On his midnight stroll Byakuya saw light still coming from Renji's quarters and decided to pay the red-head a visit.
The closer he came to the light the more he could see that Renji was seated on the porch of his room, doing something.
Silently he approached his fuku-taichou not wanting to disturb the man, which didn't matter because he was sensed by the red-head.
"Good night taichou. You don't have to be so stealthy, it's your house, you know?" the red-head said, looking up with a smile.
"I know, but I didn't want to disturb you with whatever it is you are doing," the raven-head said, standing beside the red-head and just now seeing that he was painting his garden at night.
"That is beautiful Renji," he whispered, causing Renji to look up at him again.
"Arigatou taichou, but it's your garden…so you don't have to tell me. If you want you can sit down, and we can talk a bit," Renji said while making space for Byakuya to sit down next to him.
"I am aware that this is my garden, but you capture its beauty amazingly," he admitted, looking at the nearly finished painting.
"Yeah I love your garden, especially now in the night with the full moon shining down at it, that's why I wanted to paint it. I can look at it when I'm home again and still see its beauty," he replied not once stilling his painting.
"Say Renji what was it Rikichi needed to discuss?" the raven-head asked, curious.
"Huh? Oh he just wanted to ask how I'm faring and when I would come back. Oh yeah he congratulated me for the fights this afternoon. He is a good kid taichou…" Renji informed, but left out that Rikichi informed him of successfully releasing his zanpakutou; it was supposed to be a surprise later for the taichou.
After a short nod of Byakuya's head they fell into a comfortable silence.
Byakuya watched the whole time how Renji painted his garden and couldn't help but be amazed. He knew the red-head to be a painter, he saw a bit of his work on the walls of Renji's home.
"Ah, done," Renji said after a while, bringing Byakuya out of his stupor.
"Renji? I have a question I wanted to ask you," the raven-head said looking at his companion.
"Sure. Just ask taichou."
"Byakuya," Renji was corrected.
"Right. Byakuya."
"Earlier today you said that it's not natural for a taichou to listen to his fuku-taichou, mind clarifying that for me?" the raven-head asked. This question was one thing that wouldn't leave his mind.
"Hm, sure, if you want to know… Well you see, we fuku-taichous might look up to our taichou, but most of us don't feel comfortable to speak about private stuff. Take Omaeda. Dou you really think he would ask Soi Fong-taichou private advice? Or could you imagine Kurotsuchi hearing you out? He probably would make you into an experiment… but then there are taichous like you… I mean other fuku-taichous wouldn't approach you, but I know how understanding you can be, same goes for Ukitake-taichou, everyone would go to him for advice. So yeah that's essentially what I meant," Renji explained and Byakuya was surprised about that revelation…he really thought it was natural for a taichou to hear his subordinate out; granted there were times when that was different, but those days were long gone now.
"Hm, that is surprising, I really thought it was natural to hear a subordinate out," an appreciative smile confirmed that it indeed wasn't natural. Renji was looking gratefully at him and somehow he knew that it wasn't just because they could talk… after all Ukitake-taichou seemed to have confused the days… It was Tuesday and Byakuya spent all day with Renji training and not once doing the paperwork.
"We trust each other, right Renji?" the raven-head suddenly asked, startling his companion.
"Yeah, sure why do you even ask taichou? I thought that went without saying," Renji replied watching with innocent and curious eyes and wondering what the noble was up to.
"Then why, Renji, did you decide to not be honest with me?" the raven-head inquired, hoping that it wasn't too early to speak of it, but the question only caused for Renji to widen his eyes.
"I-I-I don't know what you mean taichou…I was always honest with you," he whispered, not believing and hoping against hope that Byakuya wasn't asking what he thought he was…Renji didn't think he could face the man ever again…
"I know that you have loved me since our first meeting back in the academy, Renji. Why didn't you ever tell me?" Byakuya inquired, hoping he didn't go too far. He didn't want to push the red-head away, but to bring him closer.
"Taichou…I…I simply couldn't…and it's not as if it would have mattered anyway," Renji replied sadly, eyes downcast; so his taichou really wanted to speak about THAT.
"What do you mean by that Renji? Why wouldn't it have mattered? Don't you think that honesty includes that too?" he asked with a raised eyebrow, confused at the red-head's behavior, but understanding it too.
"It's not that taichou…I think honesty is important, but what if I had told you sooner? Then what? You would have transferred me to another division to get rid of me and I don't want to leave the sixth, I love the division. So I didn't say anything and it worked and see what my confessing that last night brought us…we are putting our focus somewhere where it doesn't belong. I can't deny my feelings anymore and I would never blame last night for it or say I said that because I was confused and didn't mean it, because I did. I do love you, but it's not important, let's just drop that taichou; it takes us nowhere," Renji said, looking at his painting utensils out of embarrassment and sadness.
"Look at me Renji. I want to know why exactly you think that your feelings don't matter, why your love is not important," taking Renji's chin between thumb and his pointer Byakuya moved Renji's face so that they again looked at each other and he found the sadness in Renji's eyes to be suffocating to his very soul.
"Because I'm just a stray from the Rukon. What could you possibly want with me? Not only do I come from the streets, but my body was dirtied multiple times, the time I was captured by that guy wasn't the first time I was raped. You, a being as pure and beautiful couldn't possibly desire something like me. I am dirt beneath your shoes and nothing more Kuchiki-sama. I may have risen in the ranks of the Gotei 13, but that doesn't mean that I am anywhere near you; after all I am just the monkey that tries to reach the moon, but drowns in the lake reflecting the mirror image of the beautiful moon shining upon him. So tell me Kuchiki-sama…when I can drown from a simple mirror-image onto a lake how could I possibly survive reaching the actual moon?" tears welled up in Renji's eyes as the pain was too much for him to bear, although he felt the reassuring hum of Zabimaru's reiatsu in his chest, his heart was clenching, suffocating from the pain just the presence of the man holding his chin caused.
"What if I told you that you already reached the moon Renji? That the moon isn't as unreachable as you think it is. I can't deny that I never thought of you in that way, but when I saw you nearly dead my chest hurt…I blamed myself for it, not knowing how I could be of use to you now. And lately I came to the realization that I really love you and I tell you that because I want you to know and I don't want to cause you more pain than I already have; we are past that point." Wiping a leaking tear from the red-head's cheek Byakuya couldn't help but think how right it felt to tell him that, hoping that all would end well for them, but not quite believing in that wishful thinking.
"Didn't we agree to be honest? I know that you are lying Kuchiki-sama… How could you? You just say that so that I feel better, but it doesn't work like that. I'm no fool; I know how the world works.… Even if you say it's the truth you can't believe that your clan would approve, they didn't even approve of your late wife and she was a female…how can you think there wouldn't be resistance towards me? I can't give you an heir so what would be the point in involving yourself with me just to throw me away like the dirt I am? And don't tell me Rukia would be your heir… she is as much a peasant as me and you are not blood related. It would be better to stop this useless conversation and stick to the way things were just some minutes ago." Now more tears were leaking from Renji's eyes, bringing sobs along the way. He himself didn't want that, he really wanted to believe the raven-head but he simply couldn't, he knew it would be impossible for them to be involved in anything more than friendship.
"And what Renji? Let the chance of love slip away from my very fingers? I don't intend to let that happen. And I do love you; I can't deny that anymore; after all I admitted it to myself. I am willing to fight for us, I fought them before and we wouldn't be alone. My cousin Kazuhiro, who is head of council, likes you and he is married to a man himself, we have his support, others stick with me also and the arguments will be on our side too."
"But what if not? You would lose all! Your kenseikan, the family, the house; just everything! You can't possibly want to risk that just because of me! I'm not worth it, damn it Kuchiki-sama, can't you see that I'm not good enough for you?" he interrupted, tears freely running down his face and landing on Byakuya's hands with which he still held Renji's face.
"You are wrong with several things Renji. First: love is always worth fighting for. So second: YOU are worth fighting for, and third: I do have to admit, that it would be a great loss to lose my kenseikan and status, but Daisuke, Kazuhiro's husband, told me that risks should be taken every now and then, especially if we deem the gain higher than the possible loss and in his understanding there is nothing more important than love… and he is right. So I am willing to take the risks of loving you." Their foreheads touched and Byakuya could feel Renji's shaking and hear his sobs. "Oh and stop referring to me as Kuchiki-sama… that is worse than you calling me Taichou," he added with a slight smile, knowing what Renji would ask him now.
Looking at him again Renji asked him just what Byakuya thought he would, "Then what should I call you, hm?" the raven-head wasn't disappointed…
"How about you call me Byakuya?" a sly smile coming to his lips when the sobs subsided a bit.
"Well Byakuya you, too, are wrong.… Love is not always the most important thing. When you really love someone you are willing to let the person slip from your grasp if it means the person will live a good life and I want that for you. I may be dirt, but I love you enough to let you go, so love some else, someone who deserves you, someone who can offer you a family, because I can't. Oh yeah, and you still love your wife…you don't love me, maybe as a friend but not as a lover. You will never love someone else as much as her, I know that and I am content with it, but please stop pretending already." Now new tears were streaming down his face, a pained expression and a heart-clenching feeling not leaving him. Renji just hoped they were done with this conversation already, he couldn't stand it anymore, he needed to get away from him…it hurt too much.
"How can you say that Renji? How can you know that my love is just that of a friend for you? Why can't you see that we could have a great life together? I love you and I am willing to do everything that could make us happy. What do I have to do, tell me and I will gladly do so…" he promised cupping Renji's face with both hands looking into his eyes, his own very emotional, letting his barriers down, his guard slip for just this one man.
Renji saw and he couldn't believe that he saw right… the man he had loved for 40 and some years was letting down his guard and showing him that all was true, that every word he spoke was indeed the truth, but how could that be? How could he be loved by this mighty, beautiful and pure being? But the most important question still lingered in the back of his mind: Just how deeply was he loved by him? Would the raven-head risk even his life like Renji would do for him? He didn't know…
"Renji…you don't have to answer me immediately…take your time to think things through, I understand," closing his eyes and bringing their foreheads again together Byakuya wanted to feel for those last seconds Renji's warmth.
He was even more surprised when the red-head suddenly said something, "You…You claim to love me? Then stay with me tonight… I-I just want to be held by you…I couldn't sleep the night before, but last night I had no dreams, it was so… peaceful. I mean if it is true what you say then that would be alright, right Byakuya?" the raven-head could see the exhaustion in the red-heads eyes, but knew he couldn't deny him; from now on there was no turning back and he knew and didn't mind.
With a nod they began to pick up Renji's painting utensils and made their way into the red-head's quarters, preparing to sleep.
When Renji was lying in Byakuya's arms he found, that there was nothing better. He could now bathe in the feeling that was Kuchiki Byakuya, inhaling the sakura scent and allowing himself for the first time since his capture to let his guard down and to sleep, nevertheless his Inuzuri instincts kicked in and he stayed to a certain degree alert.
Byakuya on the other hand was relieved that Renji finally gave in and let him take care of him, lying next to him now felt even better than last night…now he was able to really indulge in the scent that was Abarai Renji…oranges and cinnamon? Hm, just as exotic as the man himself… He wished that this wouldn't be the last night they fell asleep like this…hoping that by tomorrow they could finally determine the extent their relationship should have, for now it was enough; he hoped that Renji would agree to a serious relationship, they both deserved it.
"I curse you cousin! How dare you go to his room and steal him from me! You just wait; I will destroy you, now I have all I need to do that!" the man hiding in the bushes hissed, furious that his cousin took his beauty to the room and laid down next to him, while he was refused by the red-haired man.
His cousin was going to fall and then he would be clan-head and could claim the red-head.
He was looking forward for that day to come.
That was all one chap! I really really hope I showed all the emotions the way I wanted them to be…
It was difficult to write this much! So I do insist on a review this time :D