Lydia's POV

Christmas morning arrived and I awoke once again to an empty room. The other seventh year girls had gone home for the holidays. Oddly enough, I had more than usual presents from my parents and Lily waiting for me at the foot of my bed. I pushed back my covers and crawled to the end of my bed.

"Happy Christmas to me." I picked up and opened the presents from my parents, then from Lily. Now who could these be from? There were two presents left and neither had tags on them. It didn't matter. I could smell Remus and Sirius on them. Wait. I can smell them? This is so freaky. Forcing the weirdness aside, I opened them. Sirius had given me a huge box of Honeydukes chocolates. Remus gave me a book of muggle Grimm fairy tales. Breaking open the box of chocolate, I couldn't help but be glad that I had apologized to him and had given both boys their Christmas presents. I hadn't planned on giving them anything after what happened, but I had already bought their presents long before the…incident. I didn't leave my room until lunch time. But then I had a good book and chocolates to keep me occupied.

Remus' POV- January 5 th- evening of the full moon

I walked into one of the rooms off the Great Hall. It was so routine, I almost thought nothing of it, if not for the situation. Lydia was already there with Madam Pomfrey. She looked horrible. Her hair was lank and hung in her pale face. The usually bright eyes that hid behind those bangs were dull and worn. Lydia's open-mouthed, ragged breathing brought emphasis to her hallowed cheekbones and sunken eyes. The pull of the moon was very strong the few days right before and it took all the willpower and energy both of us could muster to be able to hold off the animal inside, clawing to break free.

"Are you two ready?" Madam Pomfrey asked the two of us. Lydia and I nodded, her a little more slowly than me. Instinctively, I held out my hand to comfort the girl. She took it silently and stayed silent all the way to the Whomping Willow. A quiet spell from the nurse quieted the tree and she ushered the two of us inside the small opening at its base. Lydia followed me inside and I could smell the fear on her with my heightened senses.

Lydia's POV

He looked like hell. Not that I could talk, anyway. Now I understood why he always looked so sick every month. Remus gave me a forced smile.

"You look like shit."

"So do you," I replied wryly. He squeezed my hand tighter. I don't know why I took his hand in the first place. I thought I couldn't stand him or trust him. But for some reason, after everything, I found his hand comforting. What's wrong with me?

"Listen, I can't guarantee what is going to happen with the two of us down there and I want to apologize ahead of time." I nodded.

"Same."

It hurt. Pure pain. Pure torture. I felt my insides tearing, shifting, reforming. Bones moved, muscles tore themselves off the bones and reattached them to others. Hands turned into paws. Fur sprouted from my skin and my face elongated. Fangs grew and a tail sprouted. Ears pushed up and into furred ones.

Misery. Agony. Hell. These things didn't come close to what I felt. Words had no way to explain the pain of transformation. I cried out, howled perhaps, in agony. Then everything went dark.

I woke to a soft wetness on my muzzle. Another wolf was licking me in a small attempt to ease my pain and wake me up. It had not even been an hour since I blacked out according to the moon's position; I instinctively knew where it was, even if I couldn't see it yet. I whimpered and backed away from the huge wolf in front of me. He (for it was obviously male) walked on all fours toward me. My hackles went up and my fur went on end. There were two options: I could fight for dominance and the right to be an equal or I could submit. He was bigger, stronger, and obviously more at home with his body. Though mine felt right, it still felt new and unusual. He could take me down easily. Right now, I didn't have a chance. Instead, I lied down and my ears went back. The huge wolf, the werewolf something in my mind told me, closed in on me and gently cuffed me across the head with his paw. I was his pack now and he was pack leader.

A new splash of moonlight shone through the window- I didn't even notice that the clouds had been in the way. A wave of animalistic ferocity washed over me. I wanted to maul and tear at everything. But there was nothing to really attack: just a few pieces of furniture, the wolf in front of me, and myself.

Him. It had to be him. Never mind he was more experienced or bigger. I felt stronger and more at home in my body than I had a moment ago. He was clawing at the wall, back turned to me. Taking that opening, I jumped on him, sinking my claws and teeth into his back and neck. He yelped then snarled in pain and anger. In a fluid motion, he threw me off him, flinging my furry body into the wall. Then he was on top of me.

Again, it was affirmed that he was dominant. He was pack leader. I had no right to attack him. Never again. The next time, he had every right to kill me. Once again, he was tearing up the walls; a few of his howls punctuated the night. An hour later I could hear footsteps and smell animals. I could smell food. They didn't smell entirely right, but appetizing enough. I stalked close to the opening, waiting. The other wolf's ears perked forward then rushed me, pushing me bodily out of the way. He got first attack at the food. A few minutes went by then a small rat, a scruffy dog, and a stag came into the room. I crouched, ready to pounce, hungry for meat. The other wolf's eyes changed. They didn't look as ferocious as they were a little while ago. "Do you recognize them? Can't you smell our friends?" a male voice in my head said. It was a soothing, warm, gentle voice. It was familiar, too. And it wasn't in my head; he was growling and I understood him. I struggled to push back my hunger and focus on that voice. "Remus?" I asked, er, growled. The wolf nodded. Concentrating, I sniffed the others- the NOT food- and recognized the smell that was off was their human smell. It was Peter, James, and Sirius. Slowly, carefully, I sniffed each of them in turn. The little rat's whiskers tickled my wet nose and made me sneeze. I had to lift myself onto two feet to reach the stag. The large dog, however, was hesitant about coming close to me. Remus made a small whimper. Timidly, he came close to me. I sniffed him then gently licked his nose, no longer needing to remind myself that my friends were not food. For some reason, simply being around the three of them made me feel more like my normal self. I could feel the human part of myself, the sane part I supposed, grow stronger. Remus looked over at the three animals then at me. "We will stay here tonight," he said, then settled down in a corner.

It was a very hard task to stay focused on the human side of me. The guys would tousle a little every now and then but I had to keep a firm grip on my thoughts. Every now and then they would slip and I had to shred myself up to make sure I wouldn't hurt the others. The entire night was a mental struggle, wearing me down minute by minute. The same was said about Remus too, though it wasn't near as often. Then, after an eternity of waiting, I could actually feel the moon set and the sun start to rise. Sirius, James, and Peter left right before Remus and I started changing back. It was just as painful to change back from a werewolf as it was to change into one. Once again, everything went black.

I awoke to find myself lying naked on the floor of the shrieking shack. Well, a fresh robe had been draped over my body like a blanket so nothing could be seen. Holding it close, I looked around the shack. Remus, fully dressed, was sitting against the opposite wall.

"I forgot to mention about the clothes thing. You won't be wearing anything when we change back so yeah...you'll need to bring a few extra sets down here. I'll, uh, just wait inside here, then," he said, obviously embarrassed, then climbed into the hole that led back to the school.

Shaking my head, I put on the fresh clothes. It took a moment to realize that they were a spare set of Remus'. A quick curious glance into a chest of drawers showed that he had a few extra sets stored up. Closing the drawer, I realized that my hands were trembling. I'm not the same person anymore, am I? I'm...I'm a beast. All I could think about last night was mauling. Slowly, I lowered myself to the floor and started crying silently, holding my knees to my chest. A few minutes later, Remus peeked his head in to check on me.

"Lydia?" he asked hesitantly. Then he saw I was crying. "Oh, Lydia," he breathed and sat next to me, pulling me into a tight embrace. I cried harder into his chest.

"I hate this! I don't want to hurt others or myself. I don't want to go through that pain again. I don't want to be a monster."

Remus' POV

I flinched. It hurt to hear her say that she was a monster. That meant she thought I was a monster too.

"Shhh," I told her. "It will be ok. You are not a monster. Don't think for a moment that you are. It just takes a bit to get a hold of your mind. You can learn to control the wolf side of you. And anyway, the anger comes from the pain. You'll get used to the change. When you do, it will be like changing into a large wolf instead of a ferocious animal." It seemed to be the right thing to say, even though it was not completely true. I thought I was a monster too. Still, she quieted.

"I feel so dirty," she murmured into my hold. I nodded, rocking her gently.

"I know. I feel dirty, too. And no, it does not go away." I wasn't sure how long I was holding on to her when I finally gathered the courage to once again ask, "Do you hate me?" She didn't say anything for a good few minutes.

"No. I understand what happened and I can't blame you. Not anymore. It was out of your control and I can't begrudge you for that, especially after going through it myself." Still, she stayed in my arms. I assumed she either felt safe there (though I wasn't able to understand why) or she more than likely just needed someone to hold her. "I felt more human when they guys were here. Is that normal?" I nodded.

"I think so. At least, I feel more human around them too."

"How did they-"

"They're animagi. Once they figured out my secret, they learned so that they could keep me company. After all, we can't hurt animals the way...the way I hurt you..." I hugged her tighter. "I am so, so sorry." She nodded.

"I know. I forgive you." I didn't expect that. I wouldn't have forgiven me.

"Thank you." She nodded in reply.