Chapter 14

Martin looked at the arm chair, where James was looking at him with his little head tilted. When he saw his father's imposing figure towering above him he broke into a toothless grin. Ruth noticed with silent satisfaction that Martin's strained expression softened.

"Are you hungry, James?" Martin asked his son softly, and Ruth found it difficult to recognise the harsh voice that was yelling into the speaker moments ago in the soft, tender voice that was now addressing his son. "Sorry you had to wait, but I had some really important calls to make. I need to make your Mum as comfortable as I possibly can. I owe her that much."

Ruth noticed for the umpteenth time how Martin talked to his son like he would do to an adult, only with more patience and care.

"I'll take him into the kitchen with me." He turned to Ruth.

"Right. I'll stay here and do my correspondence. I'm still getting some feedback from my book." Ruth walked over to her desk. "Maybe you should try it sometimes."

Martin gave her a blank look while he stepped out of the lounge towards the kitchen with his son.

Ruth kept herself busy. Actually, there was some quite interesting input from some of her colleagues regarding the one or other aspect in her book. There was even an email of one of her former pupils, which she remembered, and who was keen to get in contact again to consult her about some tough cases. In the mail was also an invitation to a conference in Italy. Her professional side immediately wanted to go, seeing the agenda and the speakers, who had already confirmed their talks. She looked towards the door. Martin would tell her what for. He was always worrying about her. About his whole family, for that matter. Actually, no one had ever cared for her as much as Martin had.

She got up and walked towards the kitchen. She stopped near the open door and looked at her great-nephew. Martin hadn't noticed her yet.

James had finished his meal and Martin had his son on his knees, facing him.

"Oh, James. I made a true mess of things with your Mum." Martin told his son confidentially. "I am responsible for her condition."

James gurgled.

"I didn't mean to, but that doesn't make it any better. I don't know why I did it. I just couldn't stand it any longer. I couldn't bear being among those horrid children at sport's day, all babbling and noisy. I knew it was important to Louisa that I was there, that's why I came in the first place. I let her down. Worse, I even harmed her."

Martin put his forehead against James'. Ruth watched silently.

"I just hope you'll never learn how that feels, harming the ones you love most, and not even knowing why you did it."

James laughed and flapped his little hand into Martin's face. Martin didn't explode, but ran his hand softly over James' head.

"I know, you wouldn't. It's just me…" Martin squeezed his eyes shut, while James grabbed one of Martin's ears.

Ruth shook her head sadly. Martin and his self-accusations. That wouldn't help.

Seeing the tender father and son scene in front of her, she couldn't help but curse her brother and sister-in-law. Martin's parents painted a picture of her son that everyone in the family believed. Even Martin. Well, except for Joanie, maybe. Bless her.

The general impression the family had gained and that Martin did his best to consolidate with his demeanour was that of an uncaring, cold, odd person, bordering on the pathological. If you'd confronted Martin with this view, he'd probably agree.

Still, Ruth saw more love in this little domestic scene in front of her than she'd seen in all the years Martin was little. Martin never had experienced as much care and understanding as he gave to his son this very minute. Ruth had to admit that she had been wrong. When Joan had told her excitedly about Martin becoming a father a little over a year ago, Ruth had predicted disaster. She thought no one was less suited to be a father than Martin was.

It wasn't her last mistake.

While she was quite capable in her profession, she was proud to say, and had made few mistakes during her working life, she had been wrong about Martin more than once. There was a good reason why you should never treat a relative. Your professional view is tainted by opinions that have been inflicted on you by your surroundings.

She had misjudged Martin terribly. Just like the whole village did. Just like Louisa did. Worst of all, just like Martin did himself.

The only one who probably saw Martin as he really was, was James.

If Louisa would leave Martin and take James with her, as she would, Ruth wasn't sure what would hurt Martin more, losing Louisa or losing James. She definitely worried about Martin if that would happen. She doubted he'd ever recover from that.

Father and son were still touching foreheads.

"James, I just don't know what to do about your Mum."

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"James, I just don't know what to do about your Dad."

Louisa had tried to rest. That was what the doctor has ordered. What Martin had ordered.

She knew when Martin was so firm about something, then it was the right thing to do. What Martin, or the doctor, never would understand, that people sometimes weren't able to do what was best for them.

Health wise, Martin would never make a slip. He was unbelievably disciplined when it came to anything medical. When he had caught a cold, he wouldn't let her anywhere near him, as she might catch a cold, too.

The cold he had given her had got nothing to with bugs, though.

The cold she was suffering from was his remoteness.

The only one who seemed to break this barrier seemed to be James.

Louisa remembered the farewell Martin had given his son when he had brought them to the taxi yesterday morning. Has it been just yesterday? Martin's and James' foreheads had touched and Martin had been whispering something to James. She couldn't hear what he had said.

That's why Louisa was sitting in James' room now. That's where she felt closest to Martin.

She had tried to lie in their bedroom before, but she had felt utterly lonely there.

To understand the turmoil within her she needed to understand that husband of hers.

She had tried to have a lie down, but her thoughts were keeping her occupied.

Within the last week, Martin had shown his worst side as well as his best. He was irritable, unable to understand her needs, uncommunicative, self-opinionated – but also caring, responsible, dependable.

She didn't want to miss the latter, but wasn't sure if she was prepared to put up with the former. Was it possible to get the good side of the deal without the bad?

Why had she defended Martin against the nasty things his mother has said, while she was leaving him?

But that's were the problems started. She didn't even know whether she was leaving him or not. She didn't want to do that to Martin, but being back in this house, his house, started to suffocate her again. The whole atmosphere was depressing. Although everything was neat and tidy around here, everything was a mess. Or maybe because of it.

Was it possible to need a bit of untidiness? Martin would say 'Rubbish', as he always did when it opposed his own needs.

It was rarely possible to match his and her needs, but that's what she needed to do. Match her needs. And right now, she needed James.

To be continued…