Training, Part Three.
Abel Montgomery, 18 years, District Nine Male
Things I've found out about myself: my self-esteem issues could be slightly improved.
Slightly.
Of course, to improve them, I'd need to find people who give a damn. Not even allies, necessarily. Just someone who cares.
Long way from my aforementioned seducing everyone strategy. When I thought about doing that, I apparently forgot about the fact that I have legitimate feelings and letting people step all over me wouldn't do wonders for my self-confidence. If I even had any to begin with.
Kinnon thought that we would be able to work together, that whatever skills she already possessed would help us get along and push us forward. Take the bull by the horns, kinda thing. She soon realized that I'm about as cooperative as a particularly annoyed porcupine and finally started leaving me alone after dinner last night when she realized she wasn't making any progress. I could have told her that sooner than last night, to be honest.
So now I'm sitting at the knot-tying station, tying ropes around my fingers, half-wishing that I had the option to fling myself off my platform while also knowing that there's no way I'd be able to even if I had the choice.
I don't want to die. I want to try, for Gizelle, at least. But the hassle of the Games, fighting that hard, I don't know if I can do it.
I already brushed the Head Trainer over here off, knowing fully well that I didn't want an hour long instruction on how to tie knots. It's really not that complicated. Now they're just kind of standing off to the side, watching me with one eye and contemplating quitting their job with the other.
If they think watching over me is a shitty job, then I should tell them about mine.
"Are you alright?"
I flinch, so focused on absolutely nothing at all, that I don't notice anyone else approach. The Seven boy is standing at the other end of the table. Glenn, I think, and he looks awfully concerned.
"Fine. Excellent, actually."
"You've just been frowning since they let us in here, and it's been a solid half hour. Was wondering."
Was I? Hm. I should probably work on that. Probably doesn't make me look that cute.
"And why do you care if I'm frowning or not?" I inquire. He looks embarrassed, scuffing his feet on the floor like he's not sure what to even say.
"I don't know, just don't like seeing people sad, I guess. And you've pretty much looked like that since we got to the Capitol," he supplies.
"Oh, so you've been staring at me."
"Yes," he replies, weirdly fast. "Have you seen your face?"
I consider that. "Fair enough reason. It is pretty great."
Glenn laughs, still looking a little awkward. I pat the bench.
"Might as well sit down, if you're gonna stare. Make it easier for yourself."
"I'm not staring anymore. Shut up."
"Whatever helps you sleep at night, man."
He rolls his eyes, hopping up on the table edge next to me instead of the bench. He stares down at the coils of ropes in my hands. He probably knows that I'm not doing anything of actual purpose and he's just nice enough not to point it out. That, or he has about as much of a clue what to do as I do. The bet's probably not far off.
"You're not frowning anymore. That's good," Glenn points out. I look up at him. I hadn't even realized my face had changed, since he gotten here. I can't help but scowl again. He smiles, like he's satisfied with the development and leans back on his hands. He lets me do whatever I'm doing for a few minutes in silence, absentmindedly kicking his legs back and forth at my side. It's distracting, though. For all Kinnon tried she mostly left me alone when I was doing stuff.
"You know what's shitty," Glenn announces, out of the blue. "My birthday's in like, a week."
"Happy Birthday?" I try. He rolls his eyes again.
"Yeah, super happy, I know."
"Maybe someone will send you a cake in the arena."
Talking to him is just so easy, which is weird considering I barely know him. Maybe it's because all I've known are relationships that are almost foreign. Besides Gizelle nothing in the past few years has been meaningful. Besides Gizelle, I barely know what caring is, and it took a long time for me to even believe that she was being genuine about it.
"You should come meet my allies. Maybe we could—"
"You don't want me, Glenn. Believe me."
"I wouldn't be over here if I didn't," Glenn says, looking a little hurt. More of him being genuine. And it fucking kills me.
"You came over here because you felt bad. Or because you were bored. But wanting me to be with you, to be allies, whatever you want, it's not happening."
"And why not?" Glenn whispers, barely audible. Great. Now I've made him feel like shit. Great job, me.
I have to think about that for a second, to find a good enough reason to push him away. The thing is, the reason's always been there. I just don't like saying it out-loud.
"I fuck everything up," I force out. "Ruin everything I touch. Most times I don't mind doing it, you know? But not to you. You don't deserve that. Neither do your allies."
Glenn doesn't say anything, just continues staring at me in silence as I swing my legs out from under the table, standing up. Now he has to look up to me.
"I've always been alone, in the grand scheme of things. I'm better off that way," I tell him, quietly.
And it's true. That's just the way the world works. It's not happy, and it's not perfect, and in no way shape or form is it going to cut me a break. But I'm used to it. I stopped clinging to anything resembling happiness a long time ago. I'm glad Glenn still can.
I'm glad someone can still think that this world's worth living in.
Kal Arker, 18 years, District Six Male
"You're not funny."
"Excuse me?" I gasp in mock offense. "I'm fucking hilarious. Let me do it."
Seren sticks her tongue out at me. Somehow I still don't think she's going to let me talk to Duke as the ambassador of our super weird trio. At least not alone.
"To be fair, you're intimidating," I point out. "And I don't think sending Meritt to talk to Duke is a good idea. No offense. You don't talk enough as it is."
"None taken," he says quietly. Which is just typical.
Typical. Ha. Like this situation is anywhere near typical. For one, I'm allied with two Careers, both of whom could probably kick my ass into next week in under three seconds. For one, this isn't a typical year at all, I'm still convinced Alana's going to beat me into the ground in the bloodbath, and we're still outnumbered in every sense of the word.
It's looking pretty great so far. It could be worse. I do know that at least attempting to get Duke is the best option, but I haven't decided if I want a third person around who could kick my ass just yet. Then again, he's been doing a pretty spectacular job at doing nothing but sitting around the past two and a half days, and I'm not so convinced that I'll be able to get the Four guy to go away on my own.
"Guess we're going together," I mutter. Seren looks way too satisfied at me finally caving.
"What should I say?" I wonder. "I'm too awkward for this."
"No, I'm too awkward for this," Meritt insists. "But we're still doing it anyway."
Fair enough.
Elias notices us approaching first but looks about as willing as a sloth to actually move more than two feet away from Duke. Duke, for his credit, just looks kind of amused. I'm pretty sure if three days of talking to Elias hasn't worked, it's not going to start anytime soon.
It takes Seren walking straight up to him to even make him really react. He's got maybe four, five inches on her but with the way she's staring at him it might as well be nothing. To his credit, he still looks pretty relaxed, but clearly the thought of being pushed out is worrying him.
"Give us five minutes, eh, pseudo-stalker?"
Elias shakes his head. "You really think that's gonna work?"
"You're like the creepy boy next door that gets really close to his neighbor only to end up harassing them, only you did the harassing thing first. It's weird."
Duke's trying not to laugh, ducking his head like he thinks we can't tell. Elias looks at him, obviously waiting to get defended, only Duke clearly doesn't plan on going down that route anytime soon. Probably because it's true.
"Five minutes," Seren repeats. "And then you can propose, do whatever you want, I don't care."
Elias might be blushing. I don't really get a good chance to look at him, because he finally decides to leave before Seren comes up with a new train of thought to throw at him. Duke laughs lightly under his breath, shaking his head for a moment.
"He's not that bad," he insists. "Really."
"Probably because you've made out with him or something," I almost cackle. I pause at the look on his face.
"Okay, I was kidding," I insist. "Except your face is saying you aren't. Seriously, man?"
Seren snickers and hops up on the table next to him, nudging her shoulder lightly against his "No self-control. I like it."
I'm almost positive this situation couldn't get any more screwed. Life will probably surprise me in a few minutes, though, and throw something new right into my face without giving me any warning. Sooner than later, type of thing. Might as well make sure I'm suffering before the Games, not just in them. As if getting punched wasn't enough.
"So," Seren begins. "You know they want you. Obviously. And you have to know we do too. So what's with the lack of decision making?"
Duke actually looks lost for a second, like he's really contemplating why he hasn't. I wish I could relate to such an out-there thought process. When Seren asked me, I only hesitated for a second. Sure, it might be one of the dumbest ideas I've ever had, but it could turn out to be something absolutely beautiful.
If I don't die first, of course. But we'll focus on that later.
"Not used to people fighting over me, I guess," he says lightly, forcing out a laugh. I know he's probably got a load of fucked up issues stored in his head, whether it's with himself or everyone around him. Probably because I get having issues and the Games were just the cherry on top of the sundae. Maybe that's why I didn't hesitate, when Seren asked. Because having something happen so easy was nice, for once. If you ignore me getting punched in the face for it to happen.
"Just know something," I break in. "You don't have to make any decisions. Not right now, at least. Eventually, yeah, but it can wait. Just know that we do actually want you, not just for the numbers."
Even Seren looks a little surprised that I said something that actually made sense. It's Meritt, standing just behind my shoulder, that seems to get it. He nods. Duke just watches the three of us, watches how we already move as one unit. Like we're supposed to be this way.
Maybe that's the real reason we want Duke. He's just another person with no clue what's best for him, no place that he really belongs. Those types of people are supposed to band together, because eventually, the misfits have to find some way to survive, together or not.
Duke's got his sister's ghost following him around. Meritt won't even tell us where he came from. Seren doesn't know where the hell she's supposed to go in life. None of us have any clear direction.
And me? I have yet to even figure out where I fit into all of this.
Kinnon Arias, 15 years, District Nine Female
Nothing's working.
Abel and me aren't allies. That's fine. Someone who's not going to work with me, work for me, I don't need them anyway. But it's the complete lack of any other allies I could have that worries me. I'm not working alone. There's no way.
The question is, who's even left to go after?
Abel and the youngest kid here are the only loner options left - options that aren't happening under any circumstances. Which means I need to approach an already formed alliance, prove myself, and convince them that I'm a good idea for them to take on.
Piece of cake. It's not like it's a lie.
And besides. I like the idea of a group of all girls taking on the arena, outer-District allies who should be down for the count but manage to take on the whole arena. Which is why I've set my sights on the girls from Seven and Eleven, who really, I should have looked at since the beginning. Yes, they already seem close, and considering they haven't shown any interest in finding any other allies, in most circumstances it would be difficult. However, it shouldn't be a problem for me. I'll just waltz over there, take the reigns right out of their hands, and we'll be a happy little alliance.
They're currently practicing with weapons. The Seven girl has an axe - typical - while Eleven has some sort of elaborate looking scythe. Again, something she's probably used before. I didn't go the traditional root. No sickles for this girl over here. I found that I like the spears better. I'm practically built like one anyway, it only makes sense that wielding one would feel better than anything else.
I wait until both of their backs are turned before skipping over, halting a few feet away to watch. Both know what they're doing. Maybe not in the killing sense, but they have control of their weapons.
Just what I like to see. People who take advantage of what they've got.
"Looks like you both know what you're doing!" I call. The Eleven girl turns first, her weapon clutched tightly in her hand. The other girl is slower to follow, staring at me worriedly. I don't really see why.
"I'm Kinnon. Kinnon Arias," I introduce, offering my hand. "And I was wondering if you'd like to be allies."
Both of them blink slowly, trying to side-eye each other while being as subtle as possible. It doesn't work.
"No beating around the bush with you, is there?" The Seven girl says slowly. "Arella. Nice to meet you, I think."
She doesn't step forward, nor does she reach for my hand. Looks like we've got another stubborn one on our hands.
The Eleven girl must take note of the awkwardness. After a moment she approaches me, shaking my hand. Smiling even, and looking more welcoming than anyone I've encountered here yet.
"Sinora. I thought you might be working with your District partner?"
"Abel? As if," I can't help but scoff. "Believe me, working with him doesn't seem like an option."
"Glenn seemed to be talking to him just fine earlier," Arella points out. The second I paid attention to Abel talking to the Seven boy did look better than I had thought, but who cares what Abel chooses to do in his spare time? None of that concerns me, and it definitely shouldn't concern her. I smirk at her. She continues watching me, no trace of emotion in her eyes. Apparently I'll stick to talking with Sinora, then.
"Besides," I continue. "The pair of you seem like such a better option. Capable, able to handle themselves. So what do you think?"
I already know how Arella feels. She's making it quite obvious. But Sinora turns back to her, head tilted slightly. Telling her that c'mon, it can't hurt. But Arella's obviously wary of me, for whatever reason, even though I've done nothing to wrong her. It doesn't matter if she doesn't like me. She doesn't have to. All she has to realize is that I can fight just as hard as she can, and there's every chance in the world that I'll be better than her at it. That I'll be the one that comes out on top.
"Fine," Arella grinds out. "Guess we don't have a choice."
No, she really didn't.
I throw an arm around Sinora's shoulder, dragging her in close to me. She looks genuinely happy, almost oblivious to the way Arella's looking at me. She'll be my protégé then. I'll teach her how to weave her way through such a game.
I pick up a spear from the rack closest to me, grinning. "Bet I can hit the bulls-eye before you do."
I managed to hit it yesterday, after a few rounds. Sinora looks skeptical, rolling her eyes, but she picks up an identical spear herself. Of course I'll beat her to the punch - she doesn't even know how to use it like I do. Sinora, however, doesn't have to know that.
"You going to join in?" I holler to Arella, who's currently hacking into a dummy with her axe. She looks up at me in stony silence and buries the axe in the thing's neck, half-way decapitating it. Guess that's a no, then. I'll have to work on her. She'll see that we can be the dream team, that we can get along like old friends. She just has to give me a chance.
I step up to the line, 20 feet from the target. Sinora lines herself up next to me, rolling her shoulders.
"You ready?" I ask her.
"Ready as I'll ever be. Don't make me look too bad."
Sinora may like me, but she has yet to realize one very important thing about how I work.
No matter who she is, no matter what she does, I'll leave her behind in the dust. She'll never compare. Not to how I think, not to how I work, not to how I stand out.
No one else even comes close to mattering, when you look at me.
Kian Harvey, 15 years, District Five Male
Sitting in the little waiting room before the private sessions is like watching someone walk off to their death.
Sort of. I mean, the Careers look fine. That's because they know what they're doing, though. I'm just waiting for everyone else to go, most of whom will stand up looking dead behind the eyes, and walk through those doors. I'll probably look the same. Not because I mean to, but because at least looking that means not looking scared.
The One guy just went in, which means it's still a while off me, but it's nerve-wracking, waiting for something like this.
Larz keeps leaning around the Fours to give encouraging thumbs-up to Kole and I. Personally, I think he needs to shove those thumbs-up somewhere we can't see them. Sure, he's trying, but he's also the one who's trained even the bare minimum, who'll probably get a good score no matter what he goes in there and does. We actually have to try. Kole's already told me, several times, that I'm probably attractive enough to get sponsors, shitty score or not. I don't know whether I'm inclined to believe her or not.
Then again, Mireya actually agreed, and I'm almost sure Mireya's not even into guys. So there's that.
It feels weird, being so ... accepted. And for it so happen so easily, too. Kole was right. No one even cares, here. All that matters is your strength and your score and your adversity to live.
Maybe my outlook on the latter isn't the best. If I could live like this, slightly happy and content, then I'd be fine with that. But I can't help but think that even if I did make it back to Five, it'd be the same as I left it. No one's going to care that I won. I'll still be that same, tormented kid who left only I'll have killed a few people on top of that.
"What'cha thinking about?" Kole inquires quietly. I shrug.
"How much everyone's still gonna hate me if I get back. How much I'll probably still hate everyone," I mutter. "The works."
I smile bitterly. Kole sighs, leaning back against the wall.
"You don't know that. Maybe it'll be ten times better. You never know."
"And maybe it'll suck just as much as before," I point out. "Only I'll just hate myself more without other people helping."
I feel bad. I don't know why Kole tries, why Kole's still here at all, why Larz and Mireya chose us. But they're all still with me. For the longest time I've had no one. Maybe I need to start cutting them all some slack, starting with myself first. We'll just see how that works out.
The Two guy goes in. I didn't even notice the One girl go in, after her partner. Probably for the best, she most likely sauntered her way in there anyway. Not something I needed to watch happen. That amount of confidence isn't going to help me any. I wonder how long it could take me to build up that amount of confidence, to convince myself I even deserve to have it. Being away from Five has helped some, but I'm still a long way away from where I need to be.
"I'll work on being less of an asshole," I promise Kole. "Seriously."
"That's what I wanted to hear," she cheers lightly. "If I can do it, so can you. No excuses."
She's right. I really don't have one, not when I'm around her. So I guess I have to try, even just a little bit.
I'm still thinking about that, probably way too in-depth, when I finally realize the Two guy's been gone a solid ten minutes.
The rest of the room seems normal. At ease. Only a few other people have realized. The Two girl, for one. She's got her chin resting in her hands, worrying her lip between her teeth. Staring at the doors. The Fours have finally started to pick up on it, too. It's not against the rules to be in there for that long, but it's certainly not common. Most people take a few minutes, put all their energy into it, and leave. That's how it almost always is.
Another five minutes pass. Larz finally looks over, like he's aware he should probably be in there by now. The Six guy finally gets up and crouches down next to the Two girl.
It's obvious, after yet another five minutes, that something's wrong. Even if he was taking this long to show them whatever, they'd have dismissed him by now.
"Looks like someone's having a worse day than I am," I mutter, none too quietly. Kole nudges me.
"What if something's seriously wrong?"
"Then that's one less Career. You're not gonna hear me complaining."
There's no way he's dead. They wouldn't have let anything come close to that, not before the Games. Besides, it's not like he looked suicidal, or anything like that. Then again, how many people in here could be, especially after this? If something's this wrong with a Career than what's stopping it from happening to anyone else?
Finally, the doors open. The Two girls leaps to her feet. Almost everyone in the hallway cranes their head to look in. Nothing. No Two guy coming out.
"Seren Dobrana," the loudspeaker announces. Still no sign of him. What the fuck?
She has no choice but to go in, leaving her other ally standing alone in the hallway, staring after her silently.
"On a scale of 1-10, how fucked are we?" I whisper to Kole. She looks worried. Way worried than either of us looked twenty minutes ago. She chooses not to answer, leaning forward to look at Larz and Mireya as the doors close. Both of them look equally confused. The whole room is silent, glancing around at each other like no one can decide who should break the silence first.
I was mostly kidding when I was wondering how bad this was gonna get. Kole's optimism had started rubbing off on me a bit, lately.
Now, though? Now we're completely done for.
No one question what just happened. I mean, you're fully welcome to. It's just the chances of me answering are in the negatives. You'll find out what happened. Sort of. Maybe. I might be being generous with that estimate. Anyway, let me know your feelings on the rest of the chapter as well! Almost everything's been settled going into the Games, we're almost at the top with this journey, and pretty soon we'll be saying goodbye to some of these guys.
I've updated the blog with the training scores. One, I'm too lazy to write the actual sessions, and two, I hate doing it. I've tried. I am not to blame for the abundance of high scores this time around, because it is in no way my fault. And before you think about yelling about the clear anomaly in the scores, just remember, I'm not telling you shit. You have to wait and see.
:D
Until next time.