Chapter Thirteen

After a few minutes of sitting awkwardly at the table with Michael, staring at my casserole, I stood up to follow Mom and Aunt Izzie. I stood in the hall for a minute, listening to Aunt Izzie's soothing voice, and I could hear Mom sniffing like she'd just stopped crying a second before. I lingered just out of sight of her doorway for a minute, my hands feeling clammy. I didn't want to do the fighting thing any more, but at the same time I realized that I'd just hurt Mom a lot, and it was possible that she'd be the one not speaking to me now.

After another full minute or so, I bit the bullet and went to stand just inside the doorway. Mom and Aunt Izzie were sitting on the floor, leaning against Mom's bed. Aunt Izzie's arm was around Mom, and Mom had her head on the other woman's shoulder. It was another minute before either of them noticed me.

Aunt Izzie looked up first, and after a moment Mom followed suit. Our eyes met, and we stared at each other for a second. Mom's look was cool and appraising at first, but it quickly softened.

"Come here, pigeon," she said quietly.

Slowly I walked over and sat down by them, facing Mom but a couple of feet away. I felt like it couldn't be this easy.

The three of us were quiet for a minute. I crossed my legs and stared at my hands, which we resting in my lap for a long moment before I finally managed to look up and say, "Mom, I'm so sorry. I've been awful."

"I'd lie and say you haven't," Mom said dryly, "But that would be a lie."

I looked down again, abashedly, tears coming to my eyes.

"Look at me, please, Hannah." Her voice was softer. I looked up. Mom slid closer to me and took my hands in hers. "Sweetheart, I know what happened last week with your dad and me upset you, and we both probably could have handled it in a way that would have been easier for you…. No, easier for all of us."

Mom paused, and looked over my shoulder for a second, seeming to be gathering her thoughts. When she turned back to me she met my eyes and held my gaze, hard. "What you said at dinner just now--."

"Mom, I—"

"Let Mommy talk, kid. What you said…. It wasn't wrong. But Hannah, I left Seattle nearly sixteen and a half years ago now for a lot of reasons. A lot of them had to do with keeping you far, far away from the insanely complicated relationship your dad and I had. It was…" she looked back at Aunt Izzie trying to find an adjective.

Aunt Izzie thought for a moment. "Constant turmoil," she finally said. "That's what I think of. And mood swings. Your relationship was a rollercoaster--." She paused, then said softly, "But you loved each other more than any of that."

Mom pretended to ignore that part, but I saw her shoulders hunch. "The point is, sweetheart, we didn't know how to make it work, and I didn't want us to be working at figuring it out and breaking up every other Sunday and Thursday while we were trying to figure out how to raise a kid too. My parents hated each other so much that I never saw my dad from the time I was five until I was twenty-eight. I didn't want that for you. I also didn't want to become a woman so hardened by love that she couldn't raise her daughter right." Mom spoke bitterly, and I got the impression that that was something she'd wanted to say for a long time.

"When your dad came back, well, I thought maybe. But then when he suggested… I mean, think about it pigeon; if we pack up and move to Seattle and then he and I… fall apart again…. We will have moved for no reason and--."

"Mom stop. We don't have to move to Seattle tomorrow. But so what if we did? What do we have here? I mean, I like Boston, but really? When I go to college, what will keep you here? What will keep you from roaming all over the country for no reason with no one to keep you company? Even if Dad didn't…. if you guys didn't work…. In Seattle you'd have people. Here you have Dr. Weasel and Warrington."

Mom blanched. "Yeah…," she murmured looking away from me for a second.

"And Mom?" I said softly. "When Dad was here? You were happy in a way that just having me around to entertain you can't make you. I mean, I know I'm all anyone needs, but seriously? You glow around him, Mom."

From behind both of us, Aunt Izzie laughed a little. "I remember that," she said. "When you and Derek were happy, Mer."

"But it was a long time ago!" Mom protested. "And, in case you've both forgotten, it didn't work out too well."

"You're… more mature now," Izzie pointed out. "Both of you. You've had to learn how to communicate. Different things matter to you. That could be enough, Mer. I think you're less damaged too. Hannah saw to that."

Mom nodded slowly. "It's probably too late anyway," she murmured. "Derek's back in Seattle."

I bit my lip. "Mom? Do you still have vacation time?"

Mom stared at me in shock. "What are you suggesting, kid?"

I met Izzie's eyes behind me, "She's slow sometimes, isn't she?"

Mom looked between us, "Watch it, you," she said to me. "You're not all clear yet."

"Yeah, uh huh. Listen, Mom, sixteen and a half years ago, Dad didn't come after you. Now, we have a good life here, but don't you ever wonder what would have happened if he had? Well, maybe it's our turn. Maybe we need to go after him."

Mom closed her eyes for a moment and then opened them. "You've inherited his love for dramatic gestures," she said with a sigh.

"Come on, what do we have to lose?" I said.

"Maybe my dignity?" Mom suggested with a sigh, but I saw something in the corner of her eye that looked a little bit like hope.

"Michael and I are going back in two days," Aunt Izzie said, quietly. "Take your summer vacation early, Mer. Come with us."

Mom looked at me, and then at the floor. Slowly I saw her demeanor change, a faint smile flickering across her lips, and I knew I'd won. "Okay," she finally whispered. "Okay. But only because I'll never hear the end of it if I don't."

I grinned, wide, and Aunt Izzie gave me the thumbs up from behind Mom's back.

Mom's smile lingered for a couple more seconds, but then she turned serious again. "I make no promises, pigeon," she told me. "I don't know what will happen between your father and me."

"Really? I totally thought you were psychic."

Mom raised an eyebrow, and my smile faltered. Maybe she wasn't as over our fight as I thought. A second later she was smiling again and shaking her head.

Aunt Izzie had stood up. "I'm going to go make sure Michael's still here," she said. It was an obvious excuse to leave us alone. She closed the door behind her. Mom slid back against the bed, and I laid my head on her lap. She absent mindedly ran her fingers along my hairline.

"Things'll change, kiddo," she told me.

"I know," I replied. "But maybe not like you think."

"Maybe not," Mom agreed. "But you know what will never change?"

I lifted my head up. "Warrington's toupee?"

"Well, that. And how much I love you, Hannah Marie Shepard. I was never sure that I'd be the type to have a kid, or at least one that turned out okay. But you? You're a pretty good one, if I say so myself."

"Feel free to say so," I teased. "You're a pretty good mom, too. If I do say so myself. It was, after all, me who made you that way."

Mom rolled her eyes, but she was smiling.

I stood up and offered her my hand to pull her up. "Come on; let's go entertain Izzie with tales from our exciting lives."

Before we left her room, though, I hugged Mom tightly. "I love you, Mom," I said. "Even if you and Daddy don't work out."

"Thanks, baby," Mom said hugging me back. "We'll give it a try, huh?"

So, we did. Mom called Dr. Thomason's secretary and told her an emergency had come up. She took off two weeks. We packed up our stuff Sunday night. It took as little time as ever, but I felt like there was a certain amount of finality to the packing that time. No matter what happened in Seattle, we'd come back and things would be different.

Aunt Izzie and Michael spent the night at our apartment that night, she said to keep Mom from running or doing anything stupid, but I think she forgot that I wasn't about to let that happen. I slept in Mom's room that night, and heard her up late, tossing and turning. I tried to talk to her, but after a while figured that she just needed to think. Eventually, she got up and I heard her and Izzie talking in the living room until I fell asleep.

On the plane, Mom tapped her fingers on the armrest for the first half hour, until I grabbed her hand and glared at her. "Calm down," I hissed. "It's just Dad."

The look on her face was as if I'd said 'It's just impending doom'.

A second later the flight attendant came back for the beverage service, and Mom hesitate for a second before ordering a water. I smirked. "You so didn't want just water," I said.

She scowled at me. "Why can't you be an ignorant kid?" she asked.

"Because Alex and George have told me stories. Something about a party at your house when you were interns? And Joe, he gives you knowing looks every time we see him; like he knows all your secrets. I know how bartenders find out people's secrets."

"That was Izzie's party!" Mom retorted. "I was just there! And Joe's a friend!"

"Uh huh," I said. She continued to defend herself for a minute, eventually calling Izzie in. After that she and Izzie were talking about old times and I felt free to tune out. My purpose was served, Mom was adequately distracted.

Aunt Izzie drove us to my grandmother's old townhouse and stuck around while Mom 'got ready'. Getting ready consisted of showering, changing her clothes, putting on make-up and staring at the wall of her bedroom for close to twenty minutes.

Eventually, Aunt Izzie and I got impatient. We marched into the bedroom and each grabbed one of Mom's arms.

"He's seen do surgeries, so I'm sure he's seen you covered in blood," I told her.

"And bodily fluids," Izzie added.

"And in a hospital bed."

"And naked."

"Okay!" Mom burst out. "I get it! I just…." She bit her lip and stopped talking. We marched her out into the car. I climbed into the back and listened to Mom freak out and Aunt Izzie calm her down. Aunt Izzie was almost as good as it as me.

"How do you even know he's there?"

"I called George. He has the day off. He's there."

"For all you know he's off being a fisherman somewhere… somewhere where you do that."

"He's not. I called the house and hung up when he answered."

"You what?"

Izzie just smiled at me in the rearview mirror.

It wasn't long before we pulled up the driveway to the small house my Dad had built on his land. He built it when he was with Kathleen, but there were little details in it that I thought Mom would like more than Kathleen ever did.

Mom's knuckles were white as she clutched the armrest of Izzie's car. She made no move to get out, even though Dad's car was in the driveway just ahead of us. After a minute I reached up and unbuckled her seatbelt.

"Go," I said.

She nodded and slowly opened the door. Slowly she walked up to the door, looking back at us every few seconds.

"If this were our intern year," Aunt Izzie commented, dryly, "George, Alex and Cristina would have bets on whether or not she'd run."

"I'd bet," I said, climbing up to the front seat and watching Mom's fist hover over Dad's door, "But I'm not sure on which side." Aunt Izzie laughed

A moment after Mom's fist finally descended on the door it opened and I saw Dad in the doorway.

His eyes were wide, but a soft smile played along the edges of his lips. He leaned on the doorway, and I watched as Mom spoke, gesticulating and shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot. I was watching intensely, but Aunt Izzie started the car.

"Oh, come on," I said, as she started to back out. "Can't we watch?" I saw Dad run a finger along Mom's cheek and then stand aside to let her in.

"No, I think they need time by themselves," Aunt Izzie said prudently. "You and I can go inform Cristina of the situation and listen to her bitch about not being included in the operation."

I sighed. "Okay."

Still, I watched in the rearview mirror until Dad closed the front door. They had kissed twice before he did that. They were big on the kissing.

A/N almost the end here. I've written a companion piece in Mer's POV of Hannah's childhood, and there's still the epilogue of this! Review! Sorry tjhis was so late going up, I just got back to school