BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Yachiru Attacks
Greetings! As the mad dash to return unused party supplies ensues, please keep in mind that killing people is a profession best left to the Arrancar! We decided that one night simply isn't enough for Halloween, and so we sought a pro to help us with the daunting task of extending this holiday until Monday comes crashing in!
To the Seireitei!
Once we arrived we headed straight over to Squad Eleven. The meanest, cruelest, toughest, downright nastiest group of marauders ever to be on the side of good!
BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Hello Ne'er-Do-Wells! Anyone seen the lieutenant around?
Random Squad Eleven Soul Reaper: I think she's still on a sugar buzz from last night…
BWT: Perfect!
RSESR: No! You don't understand! She's insane when there's even a trace of sugar in her blood! You'd be mad to confront her!
BWT: …We've been called worse!
We then made our way to Kenpachi's office where we found his chair vibrating rather rapidly, but no Kenny sitting upon the chair. What we did find was one Yachiru foaming at the mouth, and shaking the chair apart!
Yachiru Kusajishi: Need. More. Candy!
BWT: Hello there! We heard you might be able to help us!
YK: With what?
BWT: Making Halloween last forever! Or at least until Monday!
YK: That sounds fun! Hey, what's your name anyways?
BWT: We are the Bleach Weekly Tabloid group!
YK: Bl… a… kly… a… oid? Hmm… Baka-Chii!
BWT: Works for us!
YK: Let's go find Kenny!
Since her eye was twitching a little, we decided it best to keep a good distance away from Yachiru as she led us off into the Seireitei to wreak havoc!
Soon enough we stumbled by Mr. Zaraki who was just leaving Unohana's office.
Kenpachi Zaraki: What are you doing with my lieutenant? She was supposed to stay inside until the sugar wore off!
BWT: We're trying to extend Halloween! Last night was so much fun we decided it needed to keep going!
KZ: … Is Byakuya aware of this?
BWT: Nope!
KZ: Carry on.
YK: Wait! Kenny, we need your help!
KZ: Ugh. What's in it for me?
YK: We'll visit Ichi!
KZ: Is that right?
BWT: Sure!
KZ: Well, if you'll be paying a visit to Ichigo, I suppose I could go along for the ride.
BWT: That's the spirit!
With that we were off once more. Naturally we sought out Squad Six's illustrious captain and lieutenant!
BWT: What do you mean they're in the psych ward?
Retsu Unohana: Someone gave them quite a fright last night it would seem. They've been in shock for several hours now.
BWT: Aw! What kind of jerk would do that? Now who are we supposed to show our Zombie Hisana costume to?
RU: …
Spirits dampened, but far from soaked we looked to Yachiru for our next step!
YK: There's only one thing to do now.
KZ: I don't like the sound of this…
BWT: Sounds good to us so far!
YK: We must… attack.
At this point the BLEACH Weekly Tabloid crew asks you to apply your favorite brand of action music and read on.
YK: Yoohoo! Baldy! Give us candy!
Ikkaku Madarame: I don't have any more! You ate it all!
YK: Get 'em boys!
BWT: For pony!
KZ: Cause I'm bored!
IM: Ah! No! Captain please! Get off me you idiots!
YK: Now to the old guy!
Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto: What do you need Sqaud Eleven?
YK: Can~Day!
GSY: Wah! My grandmotherly complex! Save me Zoro!
Chojiro Sasakibe: For the last time! My name is Cho—!
BWT: Wahaha!
GSY: No! Not another one! How will I ever get a replacement that enjoys sewing as much as I do?
KZ: I want to kill Ichigo now!
YK: To the World of the Living!
So while the Seireitei burned down, we skipped off to Earth, munching on leftover Halloween candy.
Rukia Kuchiki: Oh no.
Ichigo Kurosaki: What? Hallow?
RK: No. Worse. Much, much worse.
IK: What could it be—?
Suddenly Ichigo went flying through the nearest window.
YK: Wow! Look at Ichi fly!
BWT: We should get a taller building next time!
KZ: You're right. Five stories isn't enough. I better go help the building finish him off!
YK: Bye Kenny! Have fun!
BWT: Candy!
YK: Candy!
RK: Ahh! Byakuya save me!
BWT: …
YK: …
RK: …
BWT: Maybe he's not—.
Byakuya Kuchiki swiftly crashed through the window next to the one Ichigo had flown out of, followed by Renji and the rest of Squad Six.
Byakuya Kuchiki: Back away from her now!
BWT: Hey! Look at our new costume!
BK: Ah! My eyes! My heart! My spleen!
Renji Abarai: Oh, no! Captain! Speak to me!
BK: …Kill…
RA: What Captain? Kill who?
BK: …Kill Blah…
RA: Blah?
BK: …Kill the crew!
RA: Oh!
BK: Also!
RA: Hu?
BK: If you touch Rukia when I'm gone… I'll make your life a living nightmare.
RA: Wait! Sir that doesn't make any sense!
BK: …One last thing… Renji…
RA: Yes, sir?
BK: …You're…
RA: …
BK: …An idiot.
RA: No! Captain!
BWT: Uh?
RA: This is all your fault!
BWT: Um?
RA: I'll kill you!
BWT: Meep!
YK: Hold it right there Red Man!
RA: Hu?
YK: Baka-Chii has been helping me collect candy so that my sugar high may never die all day! The only one who's normally this nice is Kenny! You touch a hair on this guy's head, and you'll answer to me!
RA: Pft! What could a kid like you do?
YK: …Get me the razor and stick, please. Oh, and another chocolate bar!
BWT: Here you are!
YK: Thanks, Baka-Chii!
RA: Hey! Keep that away from me! No! Don't stick that there! No! Mommy!
BWT: Wow, we never realized chocolate could bring about such violence!
All too soon Kenny was done beating up Ichigo (neither could move), and we hauled them up to Captain Unohana's place. Yachiru was forcibly dragged back to Squad Eleven on Kenpachi's orders (because he couldn't keep an eye on her from the hospital), but most of the squad was injured in the process.
We hoped you enjoyed this week's issue; look for more of the same and better next Sunday!
A/N: Unlike most weeks, I don't have any ideas for a special this week. If you have a cool idea, shoot me a line, eh? Good luck on Monday!