Sorry about the ending of the last chapter being rushed. Now, for this chapter, there will not be any real plot other than foreshadowing for the next chapter. Expect a rushed chapter filled with nonsense, silliness, and the singing. Oh god the singing.
Chapter 13: We Are the Members of the Melee Crew
Alright friends. Last time our heroes secured another secret. And now, they're currently... oh right. They're taking a break. Hmm. What will I do for this chapter... Oh, let's go check on how GAG is doing.
"Top secret stuff! Stay out!" yelled Samus.
Alright, alright, sheesh. Hmm... What about the squirrels?
"We still in space man." said Joey.
"SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!" yelled Andrew.
Okay, they're doing nothing either. Um... Crazy Hand?
"I EAT KITTENS BECAUSE THEY'RE HIGH IN PROTEIN YET LOW IN FAT!"
Right, staying away from him. Well, I guess nothing's going on, so I'm just going to end this chapter here.
Ahem.
...Oh hey there Giygas. I'm too busy telling my readers that this chapter will end early due to nothing going on.
What about me and my league of evil?
Oh yeah. That. Well, I didn't feel like making a villain centric chapter, but I'll try.
Giygas loomed inside the conference room, where yet another evil meeting will take place. Attending the meeting was Porky, Ashley, Ridley, and Vaati; Mewtwo was too busy doing things and the other Melee Smashers were not trusted to take his place on account of, um, their insanity and King Boo was still searching for the secret.
"Why are we here? I was too busy playing Kirby Mass Attack!" complained Porky.
"I have several announcements. First announcement, this chapter is completely dedicated to us. 3000 to 5000 words all dedicated to our foolishness." said Giygas.
"Holy crap! We get fanservice!" said Porky.
"Like anyone needs fanservice from you." scowled Ashley.
"Yay! I feel loved!" cheered Ridley.
"Gasp! I must look the best for the fans! To the Vaati-copter!" yelled Vaati. He sat himself down onto his chair and lifted himself up using his wind powers, spinning the entire time. He then flings himself out the nearest window.
"...Okay, the second announcement is that King Boo is actually on the track of getting another secret, and is expected to have it by tomorrow." said Giygas. Everyone gasped.
"Woah! He's actually doing something?" asked Porky.
"Didn't know he had it in him." muttered Ashley.
"Who's King Boo?" said Ridley, remembering jack nothing of King Boo.
"He was formerly the useless sack of crap, but now he's a semi-useful sack of trash. The next announcement I have is that we have a new member in our circle. Please greet our new member, Tom Nook." said Giygas. Everyone looked around for the raccoon, but he was nowhere to be seen...
"Hello!" greeted Tom Nook, popping out from behind Ridley.
"AAH! GET HIM OFF!" he screamed, throwing Tom Nook. However, due to the effects of the Animal Crossing world, the raccoon was uninjured. Lucky bastard.
"Nice to meet you people. You see, your boss has put me in charge of funding! I'm going to spread my stores all over this dimension, making all sorts of money to fund our nefarious goals!" said Tom Nook. Giygas shook his head.
"It doesn't really sound nefarious at all coming from you." pointed out Giygas.
"...Yeah. Well, it was nice seeing the rest of you, but I need to oversee the building of one of my new stores!" said Tom Nook. Just then, Vaati floated back in.
"There we go! Now I simply look fabulou- OH MY GOD GET AWAY DEMON SPAWN!" yelled Vaati. Tom Nook couldn't be harmed, but this didn't mean he couldn't be blown out the window, which was what Vaati accomplished. "GO TO THE BOWELS OF FLUFFY HELL FROM WHENCE YOU CAME!"
"You'll be paying for my insuraaaaaance..." yelled Tom Nook as he fell. Everyone just stared at the window. And then they stopped caring.
"How come I'm surrounded by crazy people... Okay, and final announcement of the night, we have another member. Say hi to Jeff." announced Giygas.
"Don't you mean... JEFFBORG?" shouted Jeff. He entered the room. Apparently, Dr. Mario was serious about turning him into a cyborg. Jeff now had a cannon arm that shot witchcra- I mean magi- I mean highly sophisticated energy shots, bionic legs, and a jetpack attached to his back, as every cyborg deserves a jetpack, right? "Behold me and my sweet robotness!"
"...Dude, you look stupid." said Porky.
"Um... so! You're one to talk! You have spider legs jutting out of your back for crying out loud!" said Jeff.
"Touche."
"Alright, that's all the news I have to offer. You may go back to your normal lives." said Giygas, disappearing as everyone else rose from their chairs.
"Jeff." said Ashley.
"JEFFBORG!" insisted Jeff.
"...Fine Jeffborg. We're all going to play Four Swords Adventures, and since Vaati is too much of a pansy..."
"Hey! I don't want to play a game where I'm kicking my own ass! It's just ironic!" whined Vaati.
"...Look, do you want to play with us or not?" said Ashley.
"Sorry, but I don't play Nintendo ga-" began Jeff, however, he stopped after remembering all of the previous beatings he had gotten from insulting Nintendo. "...Okay!"
Jeff reluctantly followed Ashley, Porky, and Ridley, heading toward a recreational room where a Gamecube was set up. On the way there, they met Mewtwo.
"Hey Mewtwo! What are you doing?" asked Ridley. Mewtwo scowled.
"Giygas told me to gather the rest of the Melee guys, but all of those idiots are too busy running around." muttered Mewtwo.
"Ow! A raccoon fell on me!" yelled Roy from far off. Mewtwo's eyes lit up as he floated into the air.
"I FOUND YOU!" he yelled, flying through the window. Yup, not out of the window, but through it. As in, he broke the window and the wall surrounding it. Normally, our hero- er... villains would complain about the weirdness of that. But after spending a week or two within each other's company, anything weird is pretty much normal. They entered the room, where the Gamecube was set up in it's glorious boxy might. Porky called first player, Ashley second, Ridley third, leaving Jeffborg with fourth. They started off the game, watching the opening cutscene. Suddenly, Porky turned toward Ashley.
"So..."
"...So."
"...Look, do you like Lucas or not?" he asked.
"Wh-What!" she yelled, trying to hide the blush on her face.
"Come on, it's just so obvious." said Porky.
"Yeah! You guys look adorable with each other!" said Ridley.
"Nah, they can't be. According to most fans, Lucas is more likely to be with Ness." said Jeff. He noticed the confused looks the others gave him. "Not that I ship them or anything."
"Why the hell would you even think that? That kid is terrified of me, and he clearly hates me under all that fear! Plus, if I liked him, why would I torture him so much?" pointed out Ashley.
"...Torture is kinky." pointed out Porky.
"...Shut up." said Ashley, with a clear blush on her face.
"Shh... Forget all of this complicated shipping talk. The game's starting." said Ridley. And so they ignored all of the talk of shipping and began playing the game. Everything was going smoothly. And by smoothly, I mean playing normally while sabotaging each other for their Force Gems when they get the chance. They all had a clear playstyle: Porky just sat back and let the others do the work, Ashley ruthlessly killed everything, Ridley killed less but was more destructive, and Jeff was terrible at this. If Zelda games had a fist, it would punch him in the face for being terrible. In the face.
"Why do you keep stabbing me!" whined Jeff.
"We're not idiot. Those are the enemies." said Ashley.
"...Ugh! This is hard! Why is everything hard?" asked Jeff.
"This is still the first level." pointed out Porky.
"...Screw this! I'm out of here! This game is stupid! Nintendo is stupid! ...Oh crap." said Jeff. Everyone gave off an angry twitch. Giygas in the meantime shook his head. Why can't that idiotic nerd shut his mouth? Ashley waved her wand, closing the door while Ridley prepared to beat the ever living crap out of this boy.
"What did you say? I know you're an idiot from hanging out with Ness, but seriously?" said Porky.
"LET ME AT HIM I WILL RIP HIM TO PIECES!" yelled Ridley, lunging at Jeff.
"Oh no you won't! JEFFBORG SHOOTING MODE!" yelled Jeff, firing an energy shot at Ridley's face. They ran around the room, trying to kill each other, somehow destroying the Gamecube and TV in the process. Ashley and Porky just watched the battle from the sidelines. However, since fighting is pretty common, they decided to continue their previous conversation.
"Do you really like Lucas or not?" asked Porky.
"Why are you so intent on me and Lucas being lovers?"
"Becomes I'm tired of seeing that Ness/Lucas bull. That's stupid, and a fresh ship is good for everyone."
"But why me? Why not that pink Ice Climber girl?"
"Oh come on, no one ships that loser."
Meanwhile, at Nana's Shipping Center (you just thought that was a joke, did you?), Nana was pouring through various records of ships. She finished, looking all teary eyed.
"He's right! No one loves me!" cried Nana, resting her head down while sobbing to herself.
"...Ah."
"...That Jeff loser's actually holding up." said Porky. Indeed, Jeff only had a few scratches on him, and Ridley was taking a lot pain. Dr. Mario did a good job turning him into a cyborg.
"STOP SCURRYING AROUND AND LET ME KILL YOU!" yelled Ridley. Suddenly, the door kicked open, showing Dr. Mario, Pichu, and Roy on the other side. Jeff yelped.
"Have you forgotten that I was going to replace your eyeballs the next time you diss Nintendo?" said Dr. Mario, taking out a scapel.
"I will shock you until your heart stops!" threatened Pichu.
"Not only will I burn you, but I'm going to show you my stabs!" yelled Roy.
"...Well I'm out of here. AAH!" screamed Jeff, turning his jetpack on and flying out the window. The idiots were going to follow him and jump out the window, but Mewtwo teleported in between them.
"Guys, stop trying to kill children. Giygas has a job for us to do." he said. The rest of the Melee characters giggled with glee.
"Yay! Does this mean we get to sing the song now?" asked Pichu.
"No."
"What song? I like songs." said Ridley.
"Oh, we made a personal theme for us. See, he likes songs. Therefore, we sing." said Roy.
"That doesn't even make sense. And no, this song is stupid. Why did you even make it anyway?"
"...Pichu! Start singing!"
(The following song is Eddie Morton's "I'm a Member of the Midnight Crew". It's okay that you never heard of it. Most people never heard of it till Homestuck.)
"I want to be popular and to unleash my sparks." sang Pichu.
"...I am the artificial fiend that attacks with the dark." sang Mewtwo reluctantly. Hey, he couldn't leave them hanging, could he?
"I always spend my evenings being a mad scientist and stuff." said Dr. Mario.
"But most people think our threats is just a bluff." cursed Roy.
"We're the members of the Melee Crew." they all sang.
"A doctor, a maniac, and a Pokemon or two."
"Always fighting in the mornings."
"And afternoons and nights and stuff!"
"Join up with evil, our ties with the Smashers are done."
"Kill all the Brawlers it'll be a lot of fun."
"Being on the evil side will never trouble you."
"We are the members of the Melee Crew!"
"Giygas was going to take over any day."
"So why not join him when we had the chance anyway?"
"Don't try to convince us to turn back just save your breath."
"We'll bring all the Brawlers to their deaths!"
"We're the members of the Melee Cre-"
"SHUT UP!" yelled a voice. Giygas came in, looking pissed as hell. "I. Hate. Singing. Singing is what made me lose the first time! So stop singing or I'll tear all of you limb from limb!" He turned toward Porky and Ashley. "Glad to see you two aren't singing idiots."
"'preciate it man." said Porky.
"Meh. We're surrounded by idiots regardless of if they're singing or not." said Ashley.
"Mewtwo, now that you've assembled those guys, I want you to leave for the Kirby universe immediately." said Giygas. Mewtwo saluted and forced the other Smashers to follow him, who were complaining that they didn't get a shot at Jeff. Porky and Ashley stared at the remains of the beloved Gamecube.
"...Well, I have a Kirby Mass Attack to be playing."
"I have young girl witch things to do."
"We're the members of the Melee Crew..." sang Pichu, Dr. Mario, and Roy quietly.
"Shut up already! It was only good the first time." said Mewtwo.
"Wait, what are we doing?" asked Pichu.
"That's a very good question. As you know, we're leaving for the Kirby universe..." said Mewtwo.
"Are we going to burn down Popstar?" asked Roy.
"No."
"Are we going to burn down Cappy Town?"'
"No."
"Are we-"
"This has nothing to do with fire."
"Aww..."
"Now listen up! The Brawlers are now more aware of our goals, thanks to Meta Knight, Fox, and Pikachu."
"Pikachu? PIKACHU! MY EVOLVED FORM SHALL PAY!" yelled Pichu.
"...So, we need to be a bit sneaky with our approach. And to help us with that, we have... this guy." said Mewtwo, reluctantly pointing to what seems to be an ordinary painting. Then Tom Nook jumped out of it, scaring the crap out of everyone. ...Yeah, I don't know either.
"Yes! It is I, Tom Nook, entrepreneur extrordinaire! I'm setting up a store in the Kirby universe; you guys will follow me there, disguised as employees! Any of those Smasher folk you're always talking about won't recognize you, so you could conduct your investigations in peace!" said Tom Nook.
"...Wow, uh, that plan actually sounds pretty good." said Dr. Mario.
"It surprised me as well. I thought this new guy would be trouble..."
"You still have to work for me." said Tom Nook.
"I know, I know. Come on, let's get going." said Mewtwo. He lead them down a corridor to a room filled with teleporters. The stage teleporters to be specific. They all jump into the Halberd teleporter, bringing them to the Kirby universe...
Take a melody
Simple as could be
Give it some love and
Sweet harmon-
"GAH!" yelled Giygas. He growled. Every time he heard a song, he would think of that dreaded melody. The melody that effectively ended him. Damn emotions getting the best of him and everything. Especially love. Love is stupid. The opposite of love is hate. Hate is the opposite of love. Hate is good, love is stupid.
"Tear me apart! Get rid of my soul! I don't want these dumb emotions!"
"Lord Giygas, we find that unadvisable."
"GET RID OF THESE EMOTIONS! I will never rule with emotions!"
Giygas groaned, somehow acheiving a headahce. What could this be? Could this be...a backstory? Luckily, his memories got interrupted by Porky, who decided to stroll in at that exact moment.
"Check it out! I beat the first boss!" said Porky proudly. Giygas raised an eyebrow.
"And I should care about your insignificant game why?"
"...It's a new Kirby game! Come on, everyone loves the fat pink guy." said Porky.
"...Get out." muttered Giygas. While it was just a pointless distraction, it got his mind off of those past events. ...Oh crap, now that I have typed that, he's thinking about it again. Giygas really was not in the mood for a flashback. Plus, it's fun to tease you readers. I get a kick out of it. Giygas groaned. He needs to get his mind off of things. He would write up another evaluation, but not much has happened. He did add some space for Tom Nook though. Argh... What's a villain got to do to get rid of these invasive memories? ...Yeah! That's the answer! Mindless entertainment gets people's minds off things! He quickly snatches the DS from Porky's hands.
"Hey, what the hell are you doing?" he asked.
"I... Need... Entertainment..." said Giygas. He played the game for a few mintues until he got all of the Kirbies killed. He was angered upon seeing 10 weeping Kirby angels flying away, so with a simple thought, he blew up the DS. Porky just stood there, dumbfounded.
"WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT!" yelled Porky.
"You should be focusing on your duties instead of the games of our enemies." said Giygas, not wanting to admit that he did it out of frustration. Porky left the room, cursing to himself. Suddenly, Jeff popped up from behind Giygas' throne, which actually surprised the demon.
"Is everyone gone?" asked Jeff. Admittedly, he didn't like Jeff at all. First off, he contributed to one of his defeats. Second, he's an annoying nerd. And third, everyone hates him. Which is also why he likes him.
"Yes. Now stop hiding, no one's going to kill you." said Giygas. Jeff was relieved... when he got hit in the face by a laser. Giygas was perplexed until he saw Falco, Jigglypuff, and ROB stepping out of the shadows.
"What. How did you get out?" asked Giygas, who was actually curious how they got out.
"When we heard that kid, we used our own rage and anger to melt the bars." boasted Falco.
"Uh, no. We dug our way out, remember? We had to dismember ROB and use his arms as shovels." said Jigglypuff.
"CORRECT. MY BODY FAILED TO SENSE MY ARMS AND- ERROR I AM LORD ENGLISH."said ROB.
"God, can't I make us sound like badasses? Oh forget it, CHARGE!" yelled Falco, leading the others in attacking Giygas and Jeff. Giygas sighed and charged at ROB. He placed his hand on ROB's head... and electrocuted him, making the poor robot blurt out more errors. Falco and Jigglypuff distanced themselves from the abomination and went for Jeff instead. Falco tackled Jeff, pointing his blaster at his head. "You lose kid."
"Oh yeah?" asked Jeff. He points his arm cannon in Falco's face. Before Falco could even gasp in surprise, he fired. Falco flew backward, grasping his face.
"OH GOD I'M BLIND!" he screamed. Giygas finally finished electrocuting ROB, who is currently on the floor saying random symbols. He and Jeff faced Jigglypuff, who actually began crying in fear.
"Sniff... Don't hurt me please, they made me come..." said Jigglypuff.
"...Fair enough." said Giygas. With a flash of light, he summoned in Vaati, who was wearing a frilly apron.
"Oh! Giygas sir, I was baking cupcakes since King Boo won't be delivering them..." excused Vaati.
"Forget your cupcakes. These prisoners just escaped, and I'm blaming you for it." said Giygas.
"Yeah! Blaming you!" said Jeff.
"Bring them back to a cell. Preferably one that they couldn't dig themselves out of." said Giygas.
"Why didn't you put them in the one they couldn't dig out of in the first place?" questioned Vaati.
"JUST DO WHAT I SAY!" yelled Giygas.
"Yeah, do what he says!" said Jeff.
"You're not helping." said Giygas. Vaati picked up ROB, making Jigglypuff follow him and lead Falco, who couldn't see a thing at all. Giygas sighed. How come he's always surrounded by weirdos and weirdness and stuff? He took out a list of things he'll do after he takes over the Nintendo dimension:
-Get revenge on Ninten. After that, Ness is next.
-Give all of my minions planets to rule over. They may annoy me, but I still care.
-Get rid of the F-Zero cars. Seriously, what's the goddamn point?
-If that thing the others are muttering about Ashley and Lucas is true, throw a party for them.
-Destroy all of the insignificant planets. Professor Layton, Phoenix Wright, etc not included.
-If King Boo continues to be useless, kill him and replace him with Fawful. Everyone loves him.
-You're next Sony and Microsoft.
He then added one last thing...
-MAKE EVERYONE NORMAL.
To be continued...
"Wait a minute I barely appeared at all!" whined Vaati.
To be continued I said...
"Please? Give me more screentime!"
This chapter is seriously ending...
"FOR THE CHILDREN!"
The real end of the chapter.
It was very hard to write a chapter that had almost no plot relevance.
I know. This chapter was horrible.
I didn't ask your opinion Giygas. So, what is this memory Giygas keeps thinking about?
NO. DON'T REMIND ME.
Okay fine. So, our heroes will be heading to the Kirby universe next. Who will win? Our usual heroes?
Or the Melee Crew?
Find out in the next exciting chapter of Attack of Giygas!