CHAPTER 14
Can you break something broken?
It seemed I was under a spell. I moved and walked and breathed. But I wasn't there. I could see what was going on, but I wasn't really there. I thought about Amanda. Sean. Eliza… Alexa. It hurt me just to think of her name. It felt like someone dug a hole where my heart use to be. Because I know I witnessed crimes the Joker did. Several since her death. And yet, I always felt nothing. No remorse. No fear. This worried me to death. And each day I woke up, hoping that it wasn't real. Even though I was sure this was my reality, I was still hoping it wasn't.
So I woke up today. And I looked at the ugly white printing on the ceiling. It was very quiet today. Which I liked very much. I laid there, staring at the ceiling. Every time I took a deep breath, it felt like my lungs would tear. I was positive I have had enough. I was positive I was slowly dying. Like Eliza. I shut my eyes. It was too quiet. I thought for a moment I had lost my hearing. And then I heard a screech at my window. A branch, I was sure, scratching against the window. But then there was a second noise. A sigh…
I opened my eyes but continued staring straight ahead. For some reason I felt like crying and screaming. And I opened my mouth to do just that. But nothing came out, just a ragged sigh. And then a few tears strolled down the sides of my face. I squeezed my eyes shut. Forcing the tears to stop. It was too much to bare feeling again. And then I spoke, very softly, "I'm not Emma anymore…"
And more tears came. Finally, like hitting a brick wall, everything fell together at once. I felt sad, depressed, furious, alone, afraid, worried, and nervous. I began crying and I held my face in my hands. The spot in my chest ached so much. "I broke little Emma," said a voice I was in no mood to hear. Things start coming together again and its him I have to hear. I heard a faint, silent laugh. But there was no humor to it.
How was it possible I let someone break me? I was so strong. I am strong. And yet…. "Emma?" A voice questioned, as if to see if I was here or not. But I remained silent. I wanted to disappear again. I wanted to feel invisible all over again. I wanted to be numb. "Emma?" the voice questioned again, "I have a surprise for you." Those words. They built up an indescribable rage inside me. "Go away!" I screamed. And then the Joker laughed. "You're back!" He yelled back. And then I heard my bedroom door creak open. "Get up Emma!" he said. I shook my head. Not daring to look over in his direction. Afraid I might see those dead eyes, and have them steal the life from me. "Please…." ached a musical voice. It was sad, but the words came out like bells. My eyes shot open. And I sat up. And I felt a moment of happiness.
It was Charity. The one who absolutely hated me for taking her sister's place. But it was her. Flesh and blood. And then another small face caught my attention. And I could feel the tears coming back. It was Mikey. And he looked more like Alexa in person. His shy little face peeked out from behind Charity's back. His hand in hers. But then I went blank again. And my eyes fell towards those of the Joker's. His eyes were empty. And I could see a faint sign of sorrow. But his face remained blank and expressionless in a manner that was suppose to scare me. But it didn't. It was as if I could see for the first time. I could actually see something behind his eyes. But the rage outdid my faint sympathy for him.
"Another form of torture? Am I going to have to sit through their death too?" I said rather harshly. Charity's eyes widened and I could see her grip around Mikey's hand tighten. And the Joker's brows knitted together. "Good accusation Emma. But I was tired of seeing you so broken," He said. I eyed him viciously. And flicked the covers from around me. I was struck for a moment. I don't really remember changing into these clothes. As a matter of fact, I don't remember much of the past few days. And then I looked back up at the Joker, who was looking my hand.. "And this is suppose to help?" I questioned. "Charity and Ale- Mikey?"
The Joker's eyes finally met mine. "Well, it did wake you up!" He spat and then he stomped over to Charity. I could see the fear in her face. She shoved Mikey further behind her. The Joker's hand grabbed Charity's neck. "I did this for you Emma!" He shouted, shoving Charity out of the door way and then leaving. He did this for me? Lie. Charity's horrific look turned to me and then softened a bit. "You look so much better," she said. "What?" I questioned. Her eyes scanned over me. "Well since the last time I saw you. You look better…" Her voice trailed off when something tugged at her hand. She pulled Mikey in and shut the door behind her. And then I wondered. Did she know Alexa was dead?
Charity sighed and sat down, her blonde curls floating down past her shoulders. And Mikey was a people person. He climbed right on top of the bed and sat himself right next to her. And then I joined them both, sitting next to Mikey. He was so adorable. I wondered if he was allowed to be this cute? I just wished that Alexa could see him. A pain struck my heart.
"Alexa's dead," said Charity, nonchalantly. I drew a blank, and the only thing I could manage was, "I know." So why didn't Charity cry? Why wasn't she falling apart? It was her sister after all. Charity sighed. "I try not to feel so bad about it. I know she wouldn't want me to, besides, I knew she really….. " She stopped there. And I looked over at her. Her head was down, and her hand wrapped around Mikey's, who seemed to be distracted by the charm bracelet on her wrist. "I know she really just wanted to die inside. She just would never do it herself," her voice trailed off. "But the Joker killed her!" I spat angrily. Charity gave me an odd look and Mikey looked up at, worried. "Sorry…." I mumbled. Mikey turned back to he bracelet. "It's like he did her favor!" She said, with a hint of humor to her voice. I stared blankly at her. "What?"
She shook her head, "Of course I miss her! Of course I wish she was alive! That the Joker didn't kill her, but I have to be strong for her! For Mikey…." Her voice cracked and then she fell. She fell hard. And the tears came. Her hand let go of Mikey's and she caressed her face, sobbing. I took Mikey's hand. "What's going on?" he asked. I lead him over to the white desk. A perfect layout. A pen sat on the desk next to some blank papers. "Charity wants you to draw her a picture!" I said. Mikey looked from the paper to me, and smiled. "Okay!" He hopped into the seat and began scribbling. And then I walked over to Charity.
"I'm Mom. He knows me as Mom…" she said between sobs. "Right," I whispered to myself. I turned around, "Mommy wants you to draw her a picture Mikey," I corrected. "Mmkay," He mumbled, his hand moving slowly across the paper. And then I turned around. Charity's face was no longer buried in her hands. She looked over at Mikey. At least she's a beautiful crier. I sighed and walked over to her. "I'm so sorry you have to go through this Charity. I really am." But nothing I could say would get through to her. She sat here, in some kind of trance, staring at Mikey's little figure crouched over the paper. I wondered what she was thinking. I wonder how long she's been here. How long have I been…. out? Days or weeks. I wasn't sure. But I couldn't take this right now. Charity's angelic face was going to make me depressed. I needed fresh air.
"Charity, I think-" I began. "I left Mikey's inhaler at home!" She gasped, looking at me in horror. "He needs his inhaler Emma," she said, her eyes tearing up again. "It'll be okay," I said, "I promise." But she began crying again. Her voice was so heavenly, it made me sad to hear her crying. "I'm going for a walk," I said. "Would you like to come?" I asked. I couldn't just leave her here. But she shook her head, "Actually it's been a really long drive, I think me and Mikey will just go to bed," she said, wiping her tears away with her hands. "Mikey, " Her voice cracked as she called to him. He turned back to look at her, her arms wide open. He hopped out of the chair and grabbed his paper, running over and jumping into Charity's lap. "Look Mumma, is a fire twuck!" He said. I am always one to run into precious moments.
I looked over to Charity. She smiled at his drawing and kissed the top of his head while he made truck noises. "Vrooom!" I opened the door and quietly left the room. Lets go for a walk. I headed down the hallway and to the door. Opening it, I realized no one was watching me. I could run away if I wanted to, but where would I go? I walked slowly down the steps. Everything just seemed so slow today. I kept walking down until I finally reached the metallic door. My hand froze around the golden doorknob. If I opened it, would I be welcomed to the Joker or someone else? But I couldn't go back upstairs. So I opened the door.
Fortunately, the garage was empty. Dark and silent. Its eeriness was overwhelming so I hurriedly jogged over to the other door. And it seemed no one really noticed me. Which was a good thing. I paused at this door too, the same thoughts racing through my mind. But in the end, I opened the door. A harsh, bitter wind met my face, making me shiver. Luckily, I was wearing a sweater. I looked around. Everything was clear. There was a small, white car that I didn't recognize, but it was empty. I looked around at all the tall trees surrounding me and the gravel driveway. The wind shook the leaves and I noticed it was probably almost fall. The leaves were changing colors. Just turning orange and brown. The sky was grey, like always, but the environment filled me with an unexplainable happiness. It made everything seem so peaceful. A cold, autumn evening, with a slight breeze, like home.
I took a deep, fresh breath and started walking. I knew I wouldn't be gone long. I couldn't leave Charity and Mikey by themselves. I wouldn't dream of it. I slowly smiled to myself. I liked this. The way I was feeling again. Not so much about myself, but for others. I was always a caring person, but now, everything was different. I'm sure I'd rather stay and help Charity now than live a normal life. Because I knew that was impossible.
And surely enough I lost all train of thought as I heard the crunching of leaves under me. It was so peaceful. It reminded me of when me and Ally were younger. Fall had always been my favorite season, never Ally's. She was a summer girl. And I use to chase her around our house, throwing handfuls of leaves at her. It was so funny then, she screamed her head off, yelling at me, telling me stop. Threatening that she'd punch my face in later. I was always laughing. I could lay in leaves for hours, despite all the bugs crawling among them. Ally thought it was sick. But it was great. Because even then when she was yelling at me, she too was laughing as loud as I was.
And then I looked around me. It was slightly eerie at how beautiful this place really was. The trees around me were so tall and painted orange and brown. A blanket of leaves covered the ground beneath me. And I felt daring. I turned off of the run down driveway, which was leading me no where but to the main road, and into the woods. Where I entered, the trees were fairly spaced out. And I can look further and see the trees getting more dense, more dark. And my feet just led the way. Even though my mind told me I'd get lost.
I looked up at the fall sky. Light grey clouds covered the sky but the sun lightened them from behind. And I wondered exactly what time it was. It looked nearing evening. But I wasn't positive. I wasn't even sure how long I had buried myself in the walls of that room. I was just glad to be breathing the crisp, cold air. And for once, I felt settled. And as I continued to walk, I was beginning to sense the seasons in the air. I'm not sure how to explain it, but I could always smell the air at home, and could tell it was that time of the year. And I loved that. The air smelled like autumn. And a cold breeze made me shiver. Another trait I loved about fall. This walk was doing me good.
I began to focus. And realized I had made it into the more dense part of the woods. It was a bit darker now. And as I looked back over my shoulder, I couldn't quite tell which way to go. I was sure I walked in a straight line the whole time. But I've never been quite 'balanced.' I sighed. There is no use for worrying Emeralda. Even though you're lost in a dense part of unknown woods you've never walked in before. Do not worry. You'll be fine. I'm like my own muscle relaxer. I soon felt tired and sat down on a fallen tree near by. It was cold, but solid. And I looked out in front of me, studying my surroundings. Okay, now that you're in the right frame of mind, think. Do you remember a specific tree you passed. Or rock. Or anything? I was helping myself out very much. I just sat there.
All the trees looked the same. Nothing looked different to me. And the sky kept getting darker and darker by he minute. And the air was getting colder. But at least I had my body heat. I wonder what Charity and Mikey are doing? How long will they be here? Another breeze and then I noticed how much the wind had picked up. I was shivering now. My sweater wasn't quite thick enough. I wasn't the one who generated heat. Usually when I laid next to Ally when we were younger, it was her who was always warm. I was the one snuggling up to her, putting my cold feet on the back of her legs. Which she got used to when we shared rooms in our apartment, so long ago.
And then I felt something wet on the tip of my nose. It was dark now. Only a slight glow amongst the clouds illuminated the sky. And the wind kept whipping my hair into my face. I felt something wet on my hand now. Oh dang. I sighed. Was I going to die from hypothermia? I was shaking now, so cold I couldn't keep still. And I was hungry. I needed food. Chinese sounded good right now. Chicken fried rice. Yum. And chocolate chip cookies. I sighed deeply as the water droplets turned into a repetitive pattern, drop drop drop. First just a slight sprinkle and the trees covered me mostly. But I heard the rain getting louder. Just my luck right? And soon it was raining.
And I was getting drenched. It's not enough I have to be lost and freezing. But I have to be lost, freezing, hungry, AND drenched. And I soon became uncomfortable. The sky was dark now. And my vision was fuzzy. I thought I seen things move, but it was just the wind. It wasn't until I saw a flicker of light did I begin to feel hopeful. Okay so maybe whoever was looking for me, wasn't better than dying of hypothermia. But I couldn't die. I needed to take care of Charity and Mikey. I soon heard the crunching of leaves and a light blinded my eye sight. I squinted away from it. I already knew who it was.
"Well this is interesting," he said. "I went for a walk," I said nonchalantly. I sighed, and the Joker sighed. "What am I going to do with you Emma?" he asked, laughing afterwards. I was shivering like crazy, I probably looked pathetic. But I wouldn't let that weaken me. "You are quite strange, cupcake. May I say, a little awkward?" He laughed. "I'm not as hopeless as I look!" I snapped. "I got lost that's all, but it's not like I was going to die out here in the woods. I was going to come back." There was a silence, then a crackle of thunder, which, of course, made me jump. "So why are you out here freezing to death?" he questioned, a bit of humor to his voice. "I like the fall," I said.
"Ah, that makes two of us Emma," He said, chuckling. Of course it did. "Would you like to go home Emma?" He asked. I bit my lip in frustration. For as long as I may be punished to live in that house, I will never call it home. I was still shivering and the beam of light in my face was getting quite annoying. "Or do I have to drag you home myself?" He spat. I looked up, straining my eyes too see him but I couldn't. "You really would," I said. "Oh sweetheart you know me so well. Now, lets go back before I get upset," he said, and I could hear the edge to his voice. The rain was coming down hard now and it ached to move my body. I felt slightly numb from the bitter cold. "It's freezing," I mumbled between shivers.
The Joker sighed irritably. The flash light left my eyes and it was now pointed to the ground. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust, and when they did, the flashlight was back in my eyes again. And then the Joker outstretched his arm. "here you go," he said quietly. I stared at his purple jacket for a moment. But I'm not stupid and being the wet, shivering mess that I was I took. And slipped it on. Of course the jacket was huge, but it was warm. I looked away from the flashlight. And then he clicked it off. I heard the crunching of leaves and then I was being lifted from my precious, warm log. "Put me down!" I yelled. "But doll face, you looked so fragile!" He shrieked. "Put me down," I said more viciously. "But that would just please you." I crossed my arms across my chest like a three year old and looked up at him. He laughed and looked down at me. "You make this incredibly fun Emma." he said. I sighed angrily.
He walked somewhat through the woods. How foolish I was to be looking the wrong direction. His hideout wasn't very far. And then nothing was beneath me and I fell hard on to the ground. I scrunched into a ball. You're going to act childish, aren't you? Yup. He looked down at me. "Honey we're home," he said. But I didn't move. "You can stay in the rain if you want, or you can come inside," he said. I laughed out loud. And he raised an eyebrow at me. It was another day when he actually wasn't wearing clown make-up. Or was it because it was raining? And then he walked over to and kneeled in front of me. He got so close I fell back some, having to use my hand to prop me up. "Emma, you'll freeze out here, and I just adore the blush in your face, when ever I touch you," he said. He put a purple glove against my right cheek. And I just stared at him for a second. I could feel my heart racing and of course, my face burning. But I held myself together.
"Is there food?" I asked. He smiled viciously at me and touched his nose with mine. "Yes, my love," he said. And then he grabbed my wrist and lifted me up from the ground. Well, at least there will be food.