XIV. Absence

When I woke up the day after the Vikings had left for the dragons' nest, the smell of Hiccup's coat almost made me feel like he was with me. I closed my eyes, allowing myself a few more minutes of dreaming. I concentrated on his smell, and remembered the day I had woken up with him. That day when I had realized my first feelings for him. I had been scared. I had felt vulnerable, and I hadn't accepted them. Besides, I was still not really feeling at ease with all this. Hiccup on the other hand seemed to have been used to it for a long time.

"I know, Astrid. I love you too." He had told me, looking at me straight in the eye.

I had been disconcerted by his frankness. He had shown me self-confidence I didn't know he possessed until that moment. Which I quite liked. When he was with me, I felt that he knew what he was doing. When I was lost in the middle of questions and uncertainties, he was there to guide me. Or at least, it looked like he was, and it was enough to reassure me.

All this had happened only three days ago. It seemed like weeks. So many things had happened since…

I felt my worries coming back, and suddenly sat up in my bed. I certainly wouldn't spend my day moping about my fate. Decided, I got up energetically. Even a bit too much. I waited for my head to stop spinning, put on my boots, and went downstairs. My parent's absence was making the house cold. I decided to go out. Once in front of the door, I realized I still had Hiccup's coat on me.

How do you think you would justify this? I asked myself.

I took it off and laid it on a chair. Then, I went out and walked toward the Great Hall.

The smell of various foods came to my nostrils when I pushed open the big wooden doors. The adults who were staying in the village had to cook for everyone, and food was constantly available in the Great Hall. This system had at first been set up for children whose parents were gone for more than a day; to fish, or find the nowhere-to-be-found nest, but during more important expeditions like this one, everybody was using it. Villagers could then eat together, and feel less lonely, even if those who wanted could still stay at home and cook for themselves. For me, I didn't especially feel like seeing people nor talking, but our personal food stock was empty and I had to eat. However, sitting in front of my yak milk and my piece of bread, my tightened stomach didn't seem to be decided to let anything in. Actually, it was because I hadn't eaten anything since the day before that I thought I should fill in my stomach, but I wasn't really hungry.

I sighed and dipped the burnt crust of the bread in the milk, waiting for it to get softer. Tuffnut chose that moment to abruptly interrupt my thoughts, putting a full plate on the table. I started and my piece of bread fell into my milk. Ruffnut arrived and took some food in her brother's plate – whereas hers was full too – triggering one of their unbearable squabbles. I sighed again and stood up to get a spoon. When I came back, I noticed that Snotlout had invited himself too, taking a seat next to mine, of course. I sat down, trying to ignore him, and began to fish out my bread – which was henceforth only a shapeless mass of bread soaked with milk – in my glass. And when Fishlegs joined us, the moment I was dreading arrived; Snotlout started to talk to me.

"Hey, Astrid, how you doing? It's been a long time since we've seen each other."

"Five days." I said.

"That's what I said, it's been a long time. So, how are you?"

"Fine."

I hadn't found anything better to try to stop this conversation. But thankfully, while he was about to ask me who-knows-what else, Fishlegs cut in and asked:

"Does anyone know anything about the expedition?"

"They left to find the dragons nest." Ruffnut answered.

"Again?" her brother asked.

"Yeah, it looks like the chief found a sure way to find it." she confirmed.

"I bet they won't, it's always the same thing." Snotlout said. "When I'm older, I'll lead an expedition and kick those dragons in the pants, everyone will thank me."

"But this time, they're serious. I saw them taking the Deadly Nadder from the ring." the girl twin added.

I was absent-mindedly listening to their conversation, lost in admiration of the bread crumbs in my plate. While I was trying to make out any shape, like I sometimes did with clouds, a question of Snotlout called my attention.

"Someone know what's up with Hiccup?"

The Vikings all shook their heads.

"I think his dad was mad at him." Tuffnut said.

"Because of what he did with the Monstrous Nightmare." his sister added.

"He must have been punished or something." Tuffnut suggested.

"I always said he was crazy." made Snotlout. "But now his dragon is dead, he should have calmed down, and now we'll get some peace."

I hold my glass as tight as I could to avoid reacting. I had to control myself. After all, they didn't know Hiccup as well as I had learnt to.

"Yeah, weren't we supposed to get a feast out of this whole thing? What happened to that?" Ruffnut asked.

"I guess it's canceled because of the expedition." Snotlout answered.

I had had enough. They were taking things so casually that I wanted to shout that the situation was way more serious. But I had better be discreet.

"But still, don't you think Hiccup discovered something interesting?" Fishlegs asked. "You've all seen what he managed to do with the dragons, wasn't it amazing?"

Finally, someone notices it, I thought.

"I just saw that he brought us that Night Fury, and we got to kill it." Snotlout retorted. "Otherwise, the final was a disaster. He would have never overcome the Monstrous Nightmare."

"Still, he managed to do better than any of us." Fishlegs reminded. "He won the training."

"Luck." Snotlout retorted. "I'm pretty sure he didn't even want to win, he was just trying not to be eaten. You just have to see what he did at the final."

"You're just saying that because you're angry you didn't win." Ruffnut said.

"Everyone knows I'm a real Viking anyway. I don't need to prove anything."

I suddenly put my glass on the table, making a sound which stopped their conversation. Trying not to show too many feelings, I whispered an "I'm done", and then stood up and quickly left the Hall, under the puzzled looks of the four Vikings. It was already an exploit I hadn't shouted at them, so I didn't care about what they thought. I just wanted to leave.

Once out, I took a deep breath of fresh air. It relaxed me. A bit. I walked to the nearest beach, begging for it to be empty. It was. I sat down in the sand and stared at the sun reflecting in the sea until my eyes hurt. Then I closed them and lowered my head, putting it onto my knees which I had pulled up under my chin.

I wanted to join Hiccup. I didn't know where he was nor if his long absence was fully voluntary, but I wanted to be with him. If my Nadder was here, I would fly away with her, and search through the whole archipelago if I had to, to find Hiccup. I had never flown on my own with a dragon. But it shouldn't be that hard. Besides, the Nadder didn't have any prosthesis to control like Toothless, so I only had to find a way to make her understand where I wanted to go.

But it wasn't useful to think about that. She wasn't here, either. And I didn't want to tame another dragon. This needed time, and I didn't want to be noticed.

I took a pebble and made it roll between my fingers. Drew some random lines in the wet sand. Sighed. Made the letter H, and then angrily erased it by digging the sand, before throwing the pebble in the water.

I quite liked this beach. It was close to the village, but the rocks around it made it kind of an isolated place. When I was younger, my mother would often take me there. I would pick up shells and pile them up in our house, but I suspected my father of regularly put them back on the beach. So I would go there the next day, and pick up twice as many. If shells had any value, we would have been the richest family on Berk.

My heart sank. I was trying to convince myself that it wasn't affecting me more than that, but my parents' absence was actually a bit difficult to bear. Yes, I was used to spending a few days without seeing them, but this time, it was different. I wasn't exactly missing them, I was just very worried. The other times, I knew they wouldn't find the nest. No one was surprised anymore by all the failed attempts of the Viking chiefs to get to the island. But in this case, they had a guide. And I knew what they'd find there.

At the moment, they should be half-way to the nest. More or less. Stoick's plan seemed more elaborate than the previous times, so it hadn't been that hard to convince a lot of villagers to join the expedition. I knew all this because my parents had talked about it right before they had left. I had thought that one of them would stay with me, but they had decided that I was old enough and that I could, for once, be considered less important than the village. Besides, I was safe here, and not alone. Well, that was what they had told me as justification. Basically, they were right. But I was actually feeling incredibly useless. And above all, lonely. Snotlout and the others weren't real friends for me, or at least I didn't feel like confiding in them. And except them and my parents, there was no one I was really close to. If I didn't take into account a certain green-eyed Viking who had gone Thor-knew-where and didn't seem to be coming back.

Astrid suddenly put her glass on the table, making a sound which stopped the conversation of the four young Vikings. She whispered an "I'm done" and then stood up and quickly left the Hall. Four puzzled looks followed her until the big wooden door closed behind her.

"She's weird, isn't she?" Tuffnut said.

"Yeah, I don't know what's the matter with her, but she doesn't seem to feel too well." his sister answered.

"She's never been really talkative." Fishlegs remarked.

"Yeah, but she really seems to be in a bad mood today." Tuffnut retorted.

"I'm sure that's Hiccup's fault." Ruffnut said.

"What?" Snotlout asked. "You're talking nonsense. She doesn't care about him."

"As much as she doesn't care about you." the girl made. "Believe it or not, but I saw Hiccup going out of her house the other day."

"I'm sure he wasn't there for her." Snotlout said, offended.

"Really? Then who was he there for?" Ruffnut asked.

"Anyway, something's going on between those two." Her brother said.

"Sure. But that's still pretty weird. I mean, she was looking down on him, wasn't she? You all saw how she treated him during the training."

"And how she helped him during the final…" Tuffnut added.

"That's right. Something must have happened in between."

"I hope he's not going to drag her into his goddam stupid things." Snotlout said. "But I guess she's way too clever for that."

No one answered. Fishlegs had switched off since the beginning of the conversation. He didn't really like gossip. Ruffnut knew she was right, but since she was the only girl in the group, she gave up explaining to boys her point of view. Even if she wasn't very close to Astrid, she knew her well enough to be sure of what she had just said. But she didn't feel more concerned than that. Her brother either. Only Snotlout had been affected by the rapprochement of the two Vikings. It was already hard for him to catch Astrid's attention – despite all his attempts – but he bore even less seeing her liking another boy. Way less interesting, moreover. But his pride convinced him that all this wasn't as significant as the others thought. One day, she would come back to him, and even regret having gone away. She would definitely be his own. He trusted his Viking charm for that.

Even though it was precisely what put her off. But when Snotlout finally realized this, several generations would have already passed.

Two days. Two days since my parents had left with the rest of the village, to the dragon island. They would probably get there soon now. And find themselves in front of that huge beast which would swallow the villagers whole.

Two days I'd spent going around between my room and the Great Hall. I didn't even remember doing anything else but eating and sleeping. And waiting. I was firmly bored.

Two days since Hiccup and his dragon had disappeared. More than worry, I was seriously losing hope. And my mind was shouting at me that I had to, that I could do something. But I didn't find any strength inside me.

That's how I decided to go to bed, to start that night which would be the end of that second day of loneliness and boredom.

I comfortably put myself into bed, and then took back Hiccup's coat to fall asleep with his smell. I didn't know if all of this really made any sense, but it helped me sleep better, so I wasn't questioning. I pressed the fur onto my face. It was soft and nice. I took a deep breath, closing my eyes.

Nothing.

I breathed again.

Nothing.

I pressed my nose against the covers. I could smell it. The wood of the bed too. I even sniffed at the inside of my shoes. I smelt.

But on his jacket, nothing. The smell had left.

I knew all this was only superficial; nothing which had belonged to him or had on a sign of him would ever replace him. But at the moment, it was all I had from him. And I felt like I had definitely lost him from now on.

I nestled my head in the fur, holding my breath. I didn't want to feel the empty space which should have been filled in by his smell. I lifted it up only when my head started to spin. My right cheek was tickling. I opened my eyes, and only saw dark and blurred spots. I blinked, and realized I was crying when my tears overflew. I angrily threw Hiccup's coat on the floor, and fell onto my bed, a lump in my throat.

I was pathetic. But I had to recognize – and that was already progress in itself – that I was missing Hiccup way more than I wanted to admit.