Isuzu

(Warning: It's Rin's chapter so there will be a lot of swearing)

This is dedicated to slmCandle and for everyone who said something when "The Result" was plagiarized recently and I was too busy to do anything about it.

I expected to see that look on her face when I found her standing in the middle of a path in a small garden by my house on the estate. The kicked-puppy look. After all, who hasn't Kagura told about the affair? Tohru herself may be the only one who doesn't know that Kagura blabbed to everyone, but it's okay—I yelled at Kagura already for her and punched her for myself. After she had punched me back, I jumped on her and it had grown rather aggressive. I wonder how it would have turned out if Haru hadn't interceded and pulled me off of her. While glaring at each other, we both walked away with cracked lips, bruises, scratches, and bloody noses.

I don't really understand why Kagura was being such a bitch. She was the one who wanted Kyo and Tohru to break up the most for the past several years, and it was finally happening. Any sane person would expect her to be ecstatic. Tohru had messed up or maybe Kyo had messed up, not that it mattered. They were done. Couples never recover from this. They may pretend and last for a little bit, pretending to still love each other, but after someone cheats, it's never the same after and those relationships always end. All you can do after you cheat is hope it was worth it. Hope that whoever you fucked is worth it because whatever you had before, you just shoved down the drain like crap. And if you shove something down the drain like crap, why mourn? It's just crap after all.

Sometimes crap doesn't look like crap at first. It may look like frickin' gold at first glance, but crap always reveals itself to be crap in the end because it's hard to disguise crap. But you know that saying? One man's trash is another man's treasure? I think that applies to crap too. Just because it's crap to one person doesn't mean it's crap to someone else, but sometimes it's hard to admit it's crap for you. And I think Tohru had been denying her relationship with Kyo was crap for years. But just because you deny it's crap doesn't mean it's not crap. It's still crap, and it builds up until it makes you do something stupid, like fuck your boyfriend's worst enemy. But at least it forces you to acknowledge that what you had was crap.

But Tohru's specialty seemed to be dealing with crap, so everyone forced their crap onto her, thinking she was only worthy of crap, but the thing is, there is no one in the world who doesn't try to get rid of their crap by forcing someone else to take it. So to survive in this world, you have to learn how to refuse to accept crap, and it finally seemed as though Tohru was learning how to do that. It was about time. She was twenty-three. She can't let people treat her like a crap container for the rest of her life and just keep crying to herself. Everyone could see that she has had enough except for her. She seems to think she can endlessly deal with crap, but she sucks at hiding her suffering.

It had always been rather easy to read her. Though she always attempted to keep up that stupid barrier of fake happiness whenever she was upset, it was a stupid barrier that the stupidest person could see through. I'm surprised she thinks it has anyone fooled. Really, you'd have to be brain-dead if that false smile fooled you. The quivering ends of her upturned lips paired with eyes puffy and red from crying should only make you grimace, unless you're some psychopathic homicidal moron.

That's why it was easy to follow the rises and falls in Kyo and Tohru's relationship without ever seeing the couple together or without ever hearing her say anything. When he was nice and warm, she perfectly glowed, but whenever he was too busy training and running his dojo and forgot to make it back in time for dinner, whenever he forgot an anniversary, whenever she had been alone in their house for too long, she looked physically crushed, like someone had just finished beating her. You could find her on really bad days just collapsed in her bed, staring at her ceiling because she couldn't cry anymore. Those days were the worst because she wouldn't even admit anything was wrong, and even if you somehow managed to make her confess that she wasn't happy, you couldn't even insinuate that Kyo had something to do with it. You couldn't even mention anything negative about Kyo without making her freak out. If she were more like Kagura, you'd probably get pummeled for suggesting such a thing.

That was exactly why I had to avoid her in those situations. Because everything you could think of to do that was remotely considerate—she wouldn't accept any of it, and I was never a considerate person. Not even for Haru. Only for her because it seems like she rejects all commiseration, especially when she needs it the most, so I invited her inside and sat her down because she didn't look like she could stand for much longer. Then, I left her to go make a pot of tea because she didn't look like she had eaten or drunk anything for too long. She impassively accepted the cup I offered her and just held it with both her hands, as if she didn't know what to do with it.

"Drink it. Just because you weren't the one who made it doesn't mean it's not a good cup of tea."

"I-I didn't mean to make you think I didn't think your tea is good! I just—"

"Drink it."

Obediently, she drank the whole cup of tea and complacently sipped at the second cup I poured her. When I offered her a left over rice ball, I only had to look at her for five seconds before she took a bite. While I made her eat a second rice ball and poured her a third cup of tea, it almost seemed like nothing was wrong. The food and warm drink immediately brought back some color to her face, though she still looked like shit because well, what do you expect if you don't even bother to put on clean clothes? But those big puppy dog eyes combined with the poor beggar look would make anyone's knees buckle, I'm sure. She like has a stupid super power to make anyone feel bad.

"I'm a bad person, aren't I, Isuzu-san?"

Like I said, stupid super power. I sighed and sat down across from her, expecting a full use of her powers, which I have no defenses against. I really think her worst decision was coming to me for this because I really suck at this, and I knew I would only say the worst things to her, but she was there, and maybe she wanted the bitter, hard truth. Why else wouldn't she be with her two best friends who fawn over her like she's a friggin' duckling? Looking back, I probably should have softened what I said to her, but…

"I betrayed Kyo-kun. With his rival. With my best friend. I ruined a five-year relationship and two of my most important friendships…"

"There wasn't much to ruin if you were that unhappy."

I should have stopped then, but, like I said, this isn't my strong point. At least, I managed to say his name without adding any compliments.

"And if you think Yuki is going to stop being your friend just because you two slept together, then you really are stupid. He's such a pansy-ass that he'll probably apologize to you for taking advantage of you."

Looking at the face she made, I guess he did make such an apology already. My god. This is going to be a pants-less relationship. Seriously. Can't he act like a man for once? I had to focus to keep myself from rolling my eyes, but that meant I couldn't stop myself from groaning. But you can't blame me for that. He apologized when she went to his place in the middle of the night. Even she had to know she was asking him to fuck her. If she didn't want that to happen, she should not have gone to the house of a guy in love with her in the middle of the night, especially after a devastating fight. Well, at least this is what I thought happened since only Kagura really talked about the affair, though Tohru was talking about this as if she assumed I knew everything.

"But… what about Kyo-kun?"

"Who cares? He's a big boy and can take care of himself."

She looked down and fingered her cup. I sighed because this just meant that she was not going to let this drop. And as I had expected, when she lifted her head, her eyes were two huge swarms of self-hatred.

"You know, every single time we fought, he'd just look at me like he knew I was disappointed and tell me he's not Yuki. And when we first started dating, he asked me if I loved Yuki, but I said no. I said I didn't love Yuki that way, and I think I believed that then, but now… I think I lied. So I deceived him into being with me. I tricked him into being with me for five years. And then I did this to him."

Listening to her babbling about how abhorrent she must be, I knew, even at that moment, if I could only do it once, that this was the time for me to coddle a duckling…

"Look. It's not your damn fault if he couldn't make you happy. Don't beat yourself up over it."

And yet my mouth was a complete bitch.

"B-But Isuzu-san, it's not right. It was wrong of me to-"

"What's done is done. There's no point in fussing about it now."

"But-"

"You cheated. End of story."

"…It was my first time."

And then I felt like shit. But that didn't stop my tongue from rattling off words in a tone no one ever associates with coddling.

"It doesn't matter. You already lost it. You can't get it back. It's done and over-"

"And I'm pregnant."

Up until that point, I hadn't been sure if I fully believed she had actually done it. I mean I figured she had done something. Something maybe even beyond groping and making out, but I guess a part of me doubted that they had actually had sex because I was more than shocked by her confession. I mean this was Tohru, the spokesperson for innocence and naïveté for God's sake! This was the Tohru who anyone would want to be the spokesperson for abstinence. I tried not to let this change my stance about her or the situation though. It wasn't like I had a right to criticize her. I use my body and sexuality to get my way. I know. And I haven't been a virgin for almost a decade, so no; I couldn't and can't judge her.

But it was Tohru Honda. The Tohru Honda who still wears pink pajama bottoms with white polka dots and tiny strawberries printed across. The Tohru Honda who blushed like a little schoolgirl whenever two people kissed during one of those sappy romance movies Kagura got when she arranged her girls' nights. The Tohru Honda who apparently never let her boyfriend of five frickin' years lay a hand on her. I can't blame him for being a little irritable after five years of nothing, but he should have known when he decided to be with her, a naïve prude, who… lost her virginity while cheating. I didn't want to judge her, but at that moment, I think I did. But I didn't let that turn me against her.

"…Seriously?"

She nodded.

"This is unbelievable. The world is a complete bitch. You can't even get away with one little slip up?"

"Isuzu-san, it wasn't a little slip up. Besides, mom always said we-"

"Shut up. You can't fix everything with a cute little truism. The world is not the happy sparkly place your mom described to you when you were little. You must know that now. The world is cruel and does not pity or help the good. You should know that now."

"Isuzu-san-"

"Look, you can't change what you did. You can only figure out why you did it, so you can fight for what you want because no one is going to help you get it."

The look on her face startled me. I think I expected her to look down at her lap and twist the edge of her stained sweater in her hands while she bit her bottom lip with utter unease and nervousness, uncertain what to do in order to avoid hurting a soul in this situation in which hurting is inevitable and expected. I expected her to shrink back into my couch, weak and indecisive, ready to bawl about how she loved two men and didn't mean to hurt anybody, didn't want to hurt anybody, fixated on an impossible happily-ever-after with rainbows and flippin' flying unicorns. But instead, she stared right into my eyes, calmly, with her back straight and her hands neatly wrapped around the ceramic cup. It unnerved me.

"I already know why," she said steadily, in an even tone.

"Then you know what you're supposed to do."

"Yes, but that doesn't make it easy, Isuzu-san. He's going to hate me."

Her mouth collapsed into a frown, and she looked down, blinking back tears, and yet none of that shook that image of complete resolve. I think I was in awe of her at that moment as she set her empty cup back onto the saucer on the table. That was the first time I ever saw her look so strong, despite the tears that had wrought their way through. That was finally the Tohru who wasn't going to continue to let people push her around like a spineless rag doll, and I promised myself to support her and defend her no matter who and what she chose, even though at that moment I honestly could not fathom her decision, because everyone deserves the right to go after what they want, especially after sacrificing so much like she has.

She thanked me for the tea with a small bow and gathered her few belongings to leave. I didn't think she had it in her, especially with the way she had walked in, weak and weepy, but she didn't falter as she walked down the path. But she had to be strong because no matter who she chose, she'd have a tumultuous road ahead of her.

Then Kagura walked in.

"Was that Tohru? She wasn't here trying to get your sympathy, was she? Ugh—"

"Shut up, Kagura. Shut up," I growled.

"You do feel bad for her! I can't believe this! Do you know what she did?" she demanded with her eyes narrowed.

"I wouldn't feel so bad if you just stayed out of it! Don't act like you're so superior. Admit it. Inside you're so goddamn happy because now you get Kyo back. So don't act like you're better than her when you've been praying that she'd mess up all these years. Don't you dare."

She seemed too stunned to speak, though she must have wanted to retort with her mouth hanging open like that. But I didn't let her. I just glared and left before she could even get a syllable out. I didn't care that I still was living with her and her mom after all this time. It was that moment that I finally decided to fully move out. Before then, I had been reluctant to leave because they had taken me in and I had considered them family, but that is not how family should ever treat each other. After all that has happened, Tohru is undoubtedly part of the Sohma family, even more so now with the child inside her, and if forced to choose, I am on her side and always will be.

I apologize for updating almost 2 months after I said I would, but I have no other excuse other than being swamped with busy-ness. Next chapter is Tohru's! c: Let me know what you think and correct my mistakes! Sorry if the tenses are strange since it's written as if they're talking at some future point about what happened in the past.