Aubrey watches, frozen and silent, as Stacie makes her way from the room. She wants, needs, to follow her, but the weight in her chest manifests itself into a crippling sense of exhaustion, and she just can't move.
She doesn't know how long she stands there staring as her soulmate runs away from her. It makes sense, in some sick roundabout kind of way. After all, it's only fitting that Stacie be the one to leave her this time, as she was the one who left first. It's only fair.
Except it's not, she realizes. It isn't fair that Stacie is the one pushing her away. She wanted to tell her in the morning, she almost did. She should've just told her the moment she found out. It's not as if Stacie didn't know Aubrey needed to talk to her. She didn't hide that.
For once, Aubrey isn't sure of what she's supposed to do. She can go and find Stacie now, try to make her listen, but she is almost positive that if she does that it'll only drive the brunette further away from her. And that's not what she wants. She wants Stacie; even if she has to work for it, she wants her.
She just hadn't realized it before.
Aubrey struggles to breathe. The weight that consumed her chest finally settling lower in her stomach, leaving her feeling empty and alone. With the first inhaled sob, all the pain that the weight had been blocking comes crashing into her, forcing her to drop to her knees to alleviate some of the ache that washes over her.
She can't even help her reaction, despite being in a public place. She's sure she must be drawing the eyes of everyone in the area, and though her normally composed self would cringe at the unwanted attention, she can't focus on anything but the loneliness she feels. She's not ever sure she'll feel whole again.
She's not alone, though, because as soon as she started to crumble, Chloe is there to hold her up. And now, as she's bowed on the floor crying, Chloe is there to hold her. She offers some sort of support, even if they both know it's not the support each other needs. Aubrey loves Chloe for it, knowing full well that her actions have driven a wedge between her best friend and Beca, and still the redhead is there for her.
It's comforting, and familiar, and it should be enough, Aubrey thinks. But it isn't.
Still though, she leans into Chloe, taking in the familiar warmth and smell of her best friend as she wraps her arms around her. She can feel Chloe shudder with repressed sobs and holds her tighter. The act of comforting her friend is enough for Aubrey to pull herself together, albeit weakly. She still feels like she could unravel at any moment, but dutifully holds Chloe to her, offering as much support as she can.
Chloe takes a little longer to pull herself together. She isn't someone to hold her emotions back, instead allowing herself to feel with full force. Aubrey admires that about her, and almost wishes she could purge her feelings like Chloe and get on with living. Realistically she knows that Chloe will still be in pain even after she finishes crying, but the absence of the weight of the world will allow the redhead to heal faster than Aubrey knows she will. But she can't help it. She internalizes her suffering, and instead lets the anguish fester until she shatters.
Pulling away, Chloe's hiccups finally softening, she places a soft hand on Chloe's cheek, supporting the flushed redhead. Bright blue eyes meet her, puffy and reddened from crying, and Aubrey can almost feel what is left of her heart breaking all over again. She made Chloe feel like this. She forced her friend into a tough position and it put her in as much pain as she is in. She ruins every soulmate relationship around her.
Seeing Chloe a little more composed, Aubrey stands, offering her hand to pull Chloe up.
"Can you go back with the girls?" Aubrey asks. Her voice, though still thick and rough with tears shed and unshed, is steady. She knows she can't allow Chloe to know how much she wants to be away from her. She loves Chloe, but she can't ruin any more of her relationship than she already has.
"What?" Chloe's voice is the opposite of Aubrey's. It's weak and wavering, and Aubrey is sure that it will only take a nudge to send Chloe back into full blown sobbing again. "Where are you going?"
Aubrey wants to say she's going after Stacie. She wants to say she's going to get Beca back for Chloe. She wants to do these things, even though she knows she can't. Logistically speaking, Aubrey doesn't know where Stacie and Beca have run off to, though she's sure they're together. She isn't entirely sure how much time has passed since Stacie stormed away, but she doubts she could catch up, even if she should. She is not going to pressure Stacie into talking with her when she knows they both need the space to cool off. She still has her connection with Stacie, and she knows full well that later she will put that connection to use. But for now, Aubrey knows that she just needs to decompress and analyze everything that's happened.
Even if it means being alone with her thoughts.
"I need to go get the bus," Aubrey tells Chloe, glad that she has a legitimate excuse to be alone. She knows she could bring Chloe with her, after all, misery loves company, but she also knows that Chloe herself needs time to think. That, and Aubrey knows the girls will make Chloe feel better and loved without the presence of the person responsible for the way the redhead is feeling.
Chloe nods and doesn't fight her logic. After one last quick hug and Aubrey promising to be back at their shared apartment the next day, they part ways.
It doesn't take long for a cab to come get Aubrey and bring her to the refueled bus. She thanks the driver and pays him, ignoring his worried looks as she boards the bus and straps in.
It will take about four hours to get back to campus, but Aubrey knows even with the driving time, she won't be ready to return so soon. Instead, she drives two and a half hours east of Barden, stopping only when she sees the familiar lake.
It's a place Aubrey has visited many times over her years at Barden. She found it first after a particularly bad test freshman year when she needed a place to breathe. The presence and academia of Barden's campus seeming too stifling for her, she got in her car and drove, intending to get herself good and lost. Instead, she ended up finding an old abandoned camp ground surrounding a clear, calm lake. The land was quiet and surrounded by nature, and Aubrey never felt more at peace.
Throughout the years, she'd come visit the campground whenever she needed a breather and a place to regroup. She never intends to stay as long as she does, often driving Chloe mad with worry, but she always comes back calmer and happier than she had been in a long while. And Chloe, seeing that, couldn't fault her logic.
It only makes sense that this is the place she would go. Nobody else knows about this area, and its unaffiliated state with anything that has to do with Barden allows Aubrey to clear her mind and just simply be.
Like most visits to the lake time seems to lose meaning; too soon the sun is rising, casting soft pinks and yellows on the lake and surrounding forests. Aubrey though tired, slowly comes back to herself, feeling a little bit more at ease than she had been in a long while.
The time alone and the quiet of the woods allow Aubrey to think through her situation. She knows she can't just force Stacie to listen to her, and she's sure Stacie isn't going to answer her calls or even look at her texts, though she tries that as soon as she's back on the bus. But she knows, now fairly confidently, that she will get Stacie back. She isn't going to allow her soulmate to push her away the same way she did when she was sixteen.
Instead she grabs a pen from her bag and pushes the sleeves of her cardigan up, flexing her muscles to give her a firmer writing surface.
Stacie please, let me explain.
She knows at the very least that this is one sure way to make sure that Stacie sees what she's trying to say. She's not going to force and explanation, especially not if Stacie doesn't want to hear it, but this will show Stacie that she's trying to make a difference. She isn't going to let this be the same thing that happened four years ago.
She's surprised how quickly Stacie writes back. She hasn't even gotten to the end of the long drive of the camp ground before her arm starts its light tingling.
I don't want to talk to you right now, is all that's written back. And though Aubrey isn't surprised at the message itself, she's almost elated that Stacie isn't shutting her out completely.
Aubrey concedes, writing only a short ok before continuing back to campus.
She plots, as much as she is able, while driving back to Barden. She knows she isn't going to let Stacie push her away. She isn't going to give up without giving her all. She thinks through all of her knowledge of Stacie, and plans on using her favorite things to show Stacie that she does care. That she's been listening.
But as she arrives back at Barden after dropping the bus off and picking up her car, a wave of exhaustion hits her and she realizes any plans will have to wait.
She walks into her apartment quietly hoping not to wake up Chloe. She has enough running through her mind doesn't need Chloe's problems to carry too. Though she will readily admit that her own soulmate problems and actions caused Chloe's, she already feels guilty enough over it. She's barely hanging on herself and she doesn't need Chloe looking like a kicked puppy to send her over the edge. Her exhaustion is doing that enough for her.
Luck hasn't been on her side lately though, as she enters the living room and sees Chloe curled up on the couch staring blankly at the wall.
She sighs and makes her way over to the redhead, taking in the dried tear tracks and shiny eyes.
"Chlo," she says, voice soft as she crouches in front of the redhead. It takes a minute before Chloe's eyes focus on hers, and she speaks again. "Have you slept?"
When Chloe shakes her head, Aubrey stands up and pulls Chloe up with her, leading her to her room. She sets Chloe at the edge of her bed and runs to the redhead's room to grab her a pair of pajamas.
When she comes back in, Chloe hasn't moved from where she left her, but new tears trickle slowly down her cheeks.
"Oh Chloe." She puts the pajamas next to her best friend and draws her into a hug, letting her cry.
"She hasn't responded to anything," she sobs out, clutching Aubrey like she is the only thing holding her up.
"She just needs time," Aubrey mumbles, rubbing Chloe's back. "They just need time."
But after three days of silence for each of them, Aubrey's at the end of her patience. Chloe, though no longer crying, is miserable. Her constant crying and general mopiness is not helping Aubrey from doing anything rash.
So when she gets a call from the ICCA director informing her that the Bellas have made it to Nationals, she does the only thing she can think to do and goes to knock down Beca's door.
She starts to rethink her decision, though, when after five minutes on continuous loud knocking there is still no answer. She steps back and takes a deep breath, her mind catching up with her actions.
She realizes that with her going to Beca's room, there's a significant chance of seeing Stacie. She promised to give her space, but now that she's here, she worries that if Stacie is the one to answer the door or see her first, it would make Stacie think Aubrey is pressuring her to talk. Which is what Aubrey doesn't want to do no matter how much she wants to see Stacie.
She's not freaking out for long though, as Beca swings the door open, her angry expression almost hiding the red eyes. She looks just as bad as Chloe, and Aubrey realizes this separation is hurting her just as much.
She doesn't give Beca a chance to close the door on her and pushes her way past her. The room, she sees as she walks in, is messier than normal on Beca's side, though still neat and organized on Stacie's.
Aubrey eyes the cans of Redbull and empty bags of junk food littering the floor before lightly taking a seat at the edge of Stacie's bed. She waits for Beca to settle herself back in her own bed, glaring at her the entire time, before speaking.
"I'm sorry for what I said at semis." Beca stares at her, expression unchanging and Aubrey, nervously now, continues. "It was out of line, inappropriate, and I didn't mean any of it."
Beca nods once, but still remains silent. Fumbling now, Aubrey knew it was going to be hard, she just didn't realize how hard, she continues.
"Chloe misses you, and judging by the way you and your room look, you miss her too."
Beca grits her teeth, and looks out her window for a moment before turning back to Aubrey. Her hands grip her sheets tightly, as if grounding her and offering the stability she needs.
"Why are you here, Aubrey?" Her voice is thick and rough, much like Chloe's, and Aubrey's guilt increases. She's not sure if it's due to the separation of Chloe, the loss of the Bellas, or both. Aubrey isn't going to ask. It's not her business.
Aubrey sighs and straightens herself. She hates herself for what she did to the Bellas and her friends, and she knows that this is the only way to fix it. Especially since her apology, as sincere as she can make it, was so coldly received.
"The Bellas have made it to Nationals." Beca raises an eyebrow at this. "Apparently one of the Footnotes was still in high school and they were disqualified."
"That's good. I'm happy for you." Beca's voice is flat and she gets up and sits back at her desk, fiddling with her mixing board. "If that's all you have to say, you can go now. I'm busy."
"Beca," Aubrey's voice is sharp and she stands up and crosses the room, turning Beca toward her. "Stop being a shit and listen."
Beca raises an eyebrow and gestures for Aubrey to continue before folding her arms across her chest.
"You had no right to tell Stacie. I was going to tell her after we got home, and I would have accepted any reaction she had. You took that away from us. You didn't let me tell her in a way that would have given her time to absorb it properly, and that was a shitty thing to do."
Beca looks at her angrily, opening her mouth to interrupt Aubrey. Aubrey holds up a hand, cutting her off and Beca closes her mouth, gritting her teeth.
"I'm sorry I singled you out. I understand why you're mad and I'm not invalidating that. I'm sorry for saying what I did and making it impossible for your friends to defend you. I'm sorry that everything happened the way it did. And most of all, I'm sorry I kicked you out of the Bellas. It was not my place and it should be up to the group, not a single member. I'm sorry I've bullied you this entire year. Do you understand?" Beca reluctantly nods and Aubrey takes the opportunity to straighten up.
"I'd like to formally invite you back to the Bellas. I was completely wrong about you, and I should have been more open to change. I can't stop you from being a Bella any more than I can stop being a Bella myself. It's for life. I'd like you to choose an arrangement for Nationals, if you're willing, and I would like you to take the lead." She pauses in her speech to reach into her back pocket and pulls out the Bellas' pitch pipe, holding it out for Beca to take. "Are you willing?"
Beca tentatively leans forward and takes it, studying it in her hand before grasping it tightly. "I'd be happy to," she says. Her voice is lighter now, though still slightly rough. It makes Aubrey feel a little bit better, but she knows she still has things to fix and she's not even halfway done.
"Good," Aubrey nods and lets Beca have her moment. She studies the room again, really taking in the absence of her soulmate. She turns back to Beca, who, though much happier than she was when Aubrey first arrived, still looks beaten down and sad.
"Now on to the second matter of business." Beca looks up, eyes wide at Aubrey's firm tone. She isn't going to give Beca another reason to run, so she makes sure to keep her voice firm but still caring. "You need to go to Chloe."
"She doesn't want to see me," Beca's voice is thick again and she looks down. "I yelled at her."
"Are you kidding me? Beca that girl fucking loves you. She's been just as big of an emotional mess as you have. Though," Aubrey says scrunching her nose in distaste as she pointedly looks around the dorm room at the mess, "she isn't as messy physically."
Beca just shrugs.
"Beca look at me," Aubrey orders. It takes a few seconds, but eventually Beca meets Aubrey's eyes and Aubrey can see the unshed tears pooling in her eyes. She squats down, much like she did with Chloe days ago and takes Beca's hands, offering her the most support she knows how. "Chloe loves you. One little fight isn't going to change that. She's in just as much pain as you are. It's obvious that you both need each other, so get over yourself and just go to her."
Beca nods and stands up. "Yeah. I should... I should do that. I'm going to do that." She makes her way to the door and opens it readying herself to leave when Aubrey stops her.
"One more thing."
Beca turns to her, seeming to vibrate with nervous energy, her eyebrows raised.
"Where's Stacie?" Aubrey gestures to the empty bed and looks pleadingly at Beca. "I need to apologize to her too."
"You're going to have to wait then," Beca says, turning back towards Aubrey and leaning against the door.
"I don't think it can wait," Aubrey responds. She's nervous now. She knows she should still be giving Stacie her space, but also knows that she can't wait any longer. It's been three days, and each day the pain and weight of Stacie's absence makes itself more known and Aubrey doesn't think she can hold off any longer. No matter how nervous the potential of seeing Stacie makes her.
"Well it's going to have to, she's in Portland."
Aubrey's quiet for a moment, weighing her options. It's an easy decision really. She knows she owes Stacie an apology and so much more. She knows that the longer she waits, the worse it's going to be for both of them, especially if Stacie doesn't accept her apology. It's really the only choice Aubrey has.
"Hey Aubrey?" Beca says when Aubrey has been quiet too long. She looks back at the shorter brunette in response, waiting for her to continue. "Take your own advice."
"Do you have an address?"
For the first time since she showed up, Beca smiles at her.
The rest of the day is hectic to say the least. After a quick trip back to her apartment, Aubrey rushes to the airport for the first flight to Oregon.
The flight itself is fine, though it seems to drag for Aubrey. She tries to come up with a speech for Stacie, but every time she thinks she's getting somewhere, she's hit with a wave of nerves and everything is lost. Not that she's sure she'd get far anyway, since the last time she saw Stacie she would barely let her talk.
Aubrey can only hope that the four days since she's seen her, and the four days Stacie has spent at home, has been enough for Stacie to breathe. And perhaps if that is the case, and god does Aubrey hope that's the case, Stacie will be more willing to hear her out. Let her explain. Let Aubrey in again.
It's a hope that Aubrey can make happen if Stacie allows it. And even if this impromptu trip turns out to be nothing more than an expensive waste of time, at least Aubrey will get to explain herself. That's got to count for something.
The trip itself to Stacie's house is straight forward. Beca's sound advice of "just get an Uber" coming in handy, as the driver seems to know the neighborhood like the back of his hand.
It's a nice area, Aubrey can admit. It's not as glamorous or high class as the suburb she grew up in, but it's homey. Comfortable. And she knows that if she ever does come back that she'll always feel more comfortable here than her own neighborhood back home.
When the driver pulls up to her house, buried in the twisty lanes and situated on the edge of a small forest, Aubrey can see why Stacie wanted to come back so much.
The house is smaller than her own parents' house, but well kept and obviously well loved. There is a small porch, not enough to really be a place for people to congregate, but enough for two people to sit comfortably on the brick. The entryway behind it is brightly lit by the porch light, causing the many potted plants surrounding it to give off long shadows onto the small yard.
As Aubrey thanks her driver and get out, she can see through the front windows a younger version of Stacie dancing around the living room. She smiles, wondering if Stacie was the same way when she was a kid.
She watches for a moment when she sees Stacie join her sister, twirling her around and laughing. And all of a sudden she feels guilty. Stacie obviously came here to get away. Decompress, relax, and think. Aubrey's presence will just complicate things and take Stacie's smile away.
Aubrey sighs and turns away, almost regretting coming out. At the very least, she can say she got to see the sun set over the Pacific Ocean, so she has that going for her.
She's just dialed 411 to call a cab when she sees a line of light fall over the yard in front of her and hears a door shut.
"Aubrey?"
Aubrey sucks in a sharp breath and hangs up her phone. She turns around slowly, as if Stacie is a wild animal prone to flight when startled.
"Stace," Aubrey greets her. It's soft and almost broken sounding, like Aubrey's choking on the word, but she knows Stacie heard her by the soft smile and the steps forward, bringing herself closer to Aubrey.
"What are you doing here?" It's not asked unkindly, surprising Aubrey. It might be the setting, more in Stacie's comfort zone, than Aubrey's. She looks pleasantly surprised, even. Definitely not the heartbroken, enraged Stacie that Aubrey was expecting to see.
"I, um," Aubrey clears her throat, trying to find her words and stave off the surprise that wants to color her tone. "I need to apologize."
Stacie nods, but holds up a hand to stop Aubrey from saying any more. "Do you want to come in?"
"What?" Aubrey doesn't mean to sound so shocked, but this was the last thing she expected. It's not like she was expecting Stacie to yell at her and berate her, or well not entirely, but she was only prepared to say her piece, beg Stacie to come back, and return to Georgia.
Stacie smiles though, coming closer so that she's standing a respectable distance from Aubrey. "I'm supposed to be watching my sister while my mom treats herself to a night out. We're about to have dinner." She pauses, gauging Aubrey's reaction before continuing. "Would you like to join us?"
Aubrey returns her smile and nods happily. "I would love to."
Whatever they need to talk about can wait. She isn't going anywhere.