Kami: Okies, look ya'll...before I even get started, I'm warning you ahead of time. Life's a bitch and then you die, and then you keep going. My life, right now, is a bitch. I planned to write a hella lot during the summer, but my plans and life are going to complete shit, so bear with me here. I promise I'll keep writing, it just may take a bit, cooliez? Cooliez. Alrighty. On with the next chap then!!!

Chapter 12

Say Goodnight

Cold.

Numb.

Broken.

Frozen.

Gone.

Kamiya shook silently as she looked down at the hands clasped together in her lap. She was wringing a Kleenex between them, small white particles making very obvious spots on her black skirt. A few tears dropped from her cheeks and onto her lap and another hand came to rest on her clasped ones. She looked up and into Kaoru's soft, comforting smile. She attempted to smile back; a futile attempt, for the tears just began to flow faster. Kamiya buried her face in Kaoru's chest, sobbing quietly into it. He rested a hand on the back of her head and stroked her hair softly, whispering kind words of comfort, telling her to let it out.

Takuya and Kouji were standing, hands clasped, teary eyed in front of the two coffins at the front of the room. Takuya was leaning against Kouji as his support system. No one could believe it. They were really gone...dead. Kouji's face was expressionless. The only way that it was distinguishable that he had not broken once again was that he was rubbing comforting circles on his lover's back. Takuya turned around and walked toward where Kamiya and Kaoru sat. Kouji walked behind him, his hand resting on the small of the brunette's back.

Many people had already stopped to give Kamiya their condolences, but now she was tired of it. All she wanted was to get this over with and go home. She wanted to say goodbye to her now former lover one last time and then go home and be numb for a while before she had to force herself to feel again. She gripped Kaoru's hand tightly and he gave her hand a reassuring squeeze back. The ceremony would be starting soon, so Takuya and Kouji slid into the pew beside the other two. Takuya's head rested on Kouji's shoulder.

Kaoru looked at Kamiya with a worried expression. She was supposed to say a few words about Yamato during the ceremony, but he didn't know if she'd make it that long. He held her close, however and watched as she closed her eyes, knowing she was reliving the moment from a week before.

The four of them hurried into the kitchen to see what the crash had been. Kamiya was the first one to see exactly what it had been. She let out a horrified scream and stumbled backward, falling over and landing sitting down, her knees drawn up a distance away from her chest in front of her as she scooted backward til she reached the wall. Her eyes were wide with terror, and Kaoru's soon grew as well as he recognized the body of her lover lying in a pool of blood next to the table, the gun she had given him clutched in his hand. He knelt next to the frightened girl and she reached over and clutched desperately at his shirt, not daring to look at him, her mouth hanging open as she attempted desperately to get a sound out.

By now Takuya and Kouji had noticed what it was as well. Kouji was rushing forward and feeling around Yamato's wrist for a pulse as Takuya shook, dialing numbers on the phone. Kaoru tried to get Kamiya to stand up, but to no avail. Now, the girl was whimpering. She took a few deep breaths before crawling forward to where the older man's body lay. Kamiya reached her hand out and ran it down her lover's bloodstained face. As she pulled her hand back, she looked at the blood that now ran down her fingertips and into her palm and screamed again.

By the time the paramedics had gotten there, Yamato was pronounced dead on the spot. Death ruled a suicide by gunshot to the head. Kamiya had been taken to the hospital in a state of complete and utter shock, where she had remained for three more days.

Kaoru remembered what she had said once she had awoken from her shock.

"It was gone…"

Kaoru jumped, jerking wide awake at the sound of her soft squeak.

"You're awake! Thank God…I have to go get Taku-" Kaoru began to exclaim, but her soft whisper cut him off.

"It was just gone…he…he didn't have a face, Kaoru! The gun…and the bullet…there was just a big hole there!" she whimpered, tears beginning to run down her cheeks.

Kaoru grabbed her hand and squeezed it lightly, rubbing circles on the back of it.

"I know Kami, let's just not talk about it, okay?" Kaoru asked, hope in his voice.

"He just put the gun to his face and…bang! Just fucking bang and it was gone! His…God, Kaoru, his face worked like a fucking silencer! I didn't…and he didn't…it just…BANG!" She said, louder now, as she began to sob lightly.

"Kamiya, calm down. I know it was scary, and sad, and just all together fucked up, but you need to relax. You're going to go into shock again." Kaoru said, stepping back a bit.

"I don't care, Kaoru! I don't even fucking care! I gave him that gun! It was mine! The bullets were mine, Kaoru! Can't you see that?! I killed him! I fucking killed him!" She cried out, getting hysterical. "I don't deserve this, just like he didn't deserve that!"

She stood from the bed and took hold of the IV that was in her hand, tugging hard on it. The chord whipped backward in her hand, IV fluid spilling out onto the floor, mixing with the blood that was dripping from her hand. Kaoru grabbed her, holding her arms to her side as he screamed for a nurse.

Kaoru glanced over at the black silk gloves she was wearing and closed his eyes tightly for a moment. That would be another scar, he knew it. Thank God he had been able to find the gloves on such short notice. He knew she would have had hell had she come today with the huge wound on her hand. Suddenly, a minister was up by the front, and everyone was going quiet, save for the people who were still crying. Kaoru looked over at Kamiya and hoped to himself that she would make it.

Person after person got up and spoke, bible verses were read. Kamiya had stopped crying long ago, and Kaoru was watching as a young blond boy who looked surprisingly like the girl's ex fiancé got in front of the microphone. Kami leaned over closer to the brunet boy, shaking slightly.

"Yamato may have only been my half brother, but he was the best that anyone could have hoped for. And not just him. Taichi was like another older brother, sent to protect me when Yamato couldn't, and he loved me as if I were related to him by blood as well. Yamato was the type of person you could go to when we were little to chase away the bullies, or the bad dreams. Even when we didn't live together, we were rarely apart. Taichi was more of the kind of brother that you could talk to and confide everything in, and he wouldn't tell a soul. He'd help you with all the courage that he could get together."

As the boy went on, Kamiya cried silently, and Kouji pulled Takuya closer. After him, a girl with shoulder-length brown hair took the microphone and spoke about Taichi. From what Kaoru could gather, she was his little sister, Hikari. She went to school with Kamiya, Takuya and Kouji, but she apparently hadn't seen her brother for months. Kamiya gripped his hand tighter, and Kaoru rubbed her back. Her speech was coming up. After Hikari stepped down, Kamiya rose and walked to the front. She stood at the microphone and took a deep breath.

"Uh-Uhm…I knew Taichi and Yamato for about three years. When we met, we kind of clicked instantly, and just took up with one another. I may have been younger, but I could always keep up with the two of them. As Takeru said, Yamato was the type who would chase the bullies away. A lot of people considered him a sort of lone wolf, but he had tons of friends. He was quiet a lot of the time, and kept to himself and his guitar as much as he could. He loved music; it was his passion. Wherever we went, he always had a pen and some paper, just in case he thought of lyrics he wanted to write. He could pull out his cell phone anywhere and just hum a tune into it and in a few days, he would have a whole song written. I know a lot of people really loved that about him." Kamiya smiled slightly to herself, tears still glistening in her eyes.

"Taichi really was the kind of guy you could go to for advice. He was kind of a cut up sometimes, but he always knew how to make you laugh when you were down and cheer you up. We always told him he should be a comedian. But when he knew you needed him, he'd always pull all of his courage together to help. Limits and boundaries meant nothing to Taichi or Yamato. If they got an idea in their heads, they wouldn't stop until they had accomplished it. They were the kind of 'Hey, that sounds fun, let's do it' type of people.

"They loved their siblings more than anyone else in the world. Almost nothing made them happier than being older brothers, even if they complained about it sometimes. They loved their siblings more than anyone, and would stop at nothing to make sure they were happy. That's one of the things that so many of us admired about them. And they loved their friends like they were blood family. They treated their friends like royalty and would sacrifice their own happiness for the happiness of their friends if it was asked of them.

"So, even though they're gone in body, they'll never be gone in spirit. The things they gave us, everything they did…those things will never go away. They'll always be here. Thank you." Kamiya finished softly, tears still in her eyes, and walked back to her seat.

She sat down softly next to Kaoru and closed her eyes, wetness shining on her cheeks, smiling softly through her sobs.

♠♣♥♦

After the funeral, Kamiya walked over and hugged Takeru and Hikari, who were gripping each other's hands tightly between them, both crying. Kaoru stood back by the door, watching as Takuya and Kouji walked over and spoke with a boy who looked very much like Taichi and another boy with shoulder length purple-grey hair. Kamiya stood talking to the other couple, all three crying and hugging. A girl with pink hair and another girl with purple hair walked over to where Kamiya stood and joined their conversation, trading hugs as well.

A blond girl walked over and hugged Takuya and Kouji tightly. Kouichi walked over and Kaoru tried not to visibly flinch. By now, a redhead was standing in Kamiya's group, and Kami was shying away from her, standing closer to Hikari. Before long, Kamiya traded one last hug with nearly everyone in her group and began walking toward Kaoru. She was intercepted by a man with short brown hair. He was a muscular man, and very tall. Kaoru suspected trouble as he approached.

The man grabbed Kamiya's arm, halting her. She spun around, remembering the grip.

"Mr. Ishida!" she said softly, shocked.

"What are you doing here, girl?" he ground out.

"I'm here for the fune-" she began.

"Come on." He hissed, dragging her outside.

Kaoru followed close behind. As soon as they got outside, Mr. Ishida turned and glared at her, throwing her arm back at her.

"I said what are you doing here?" he asked again.

"I tried to tell you. I'm here for the funeral." Kamiya said. "I was asked to speak. You saw that."

"I know. That's why I asked." He said.

"What do you m-" she tried again.

"What right do you think you have being here, much less speaking?" he spat.

"Yamato was my fiancé! Taichi was my friend! One of my best friends! And I was asked to speak! That's what right!" she snapped.

"I knew from the start you were trouble." He said angrily.

"Excuse me, sir?" she asked, her eyebrows crinkling.

"I told him from the beginning that he should leave you in the dust when he had the chance. You would do nothing but ruin his life. And now look, you've killed him!" Mr. Ishida said loudly.

"I didn't do tha-" she tried to say.

"You led him to this! Fuck, and I thought it was bad when he was queer, and dating that Taichi boy. You were at least a thousand times worse! You were a slut who was using him for the things he could gain! You were a little band whore of a groupie who couldn't believe she was fucking the lead sing-"

"That's a load of shit! I didn't do anything to harm him, I never would have!"

"Then why did he go and blow his fucking face off? What brought that on, huh?"

"I don't know! I don't have a clue."

"Then how do you know that it wasn't being with you that led him to it?"

"I don't, sir."

"You're damn right you don't. I spent years after he chose you trying to get him to return that ring and get back the money he wasted on it. But god forbid he listen to his father! No, instead he had to leave a trip in America where he was touring to come back here and house you!"

"I didn't ask him to come back! He offered!"

"I'm sure you pulled out a sob story about how you couldn't bear to be without him and how you couldn't support yourself at all."

"I did nothing of the sort!"

"I'm so sure. That's how you got him to propose too, I bet."

"We had only been dating for two years when he did that. If I had been planning on getting him to propose with a sob story, I would have done it sooner, don't you think?"

"I told him from the start what a little slut you are. I told him it would get him nowhere in life, that it would bring him down and ruin his career! But he didn't listen to me, and now look where it's all gotten the two of you! You're freaking out in hospitals and tearing yourself up and he's dead! He's fucking dead!"

"And you think that's my fault?!"

"I told him the whole time it was stupid to rush into marriage, especially with you! You're his brother's age! And even with that, I wouldn't have a problem had it not been you."

"What's wrong with me?" Kamiya screamed back.

By now, a crowd had gathered to watch. People had come to see what the fuss was, as well as some people that had just been coming outside to leave. Kaoru moved a bit closer.

"Everything is wrong with you. You whored yourself out to his band after you had already gotten his attention."

"I did no such thing! And maybe before you start to pass judgment on me, you should take a look at yourself. Maybe if you hadn't been the cheating bastard you are, your marriages would have actually worked." She said, glaring angrily.

SLAP!

Kamiya's face slung to the side. Her gloved hand shot up to her now bright red cheek and she held it close, her eyes wide with shock as she turned back to look at the man again. He was fuming.

"How dare you, you fucking bitch? How dare you think you have the right to tell me what ruined me relationship when you haven't managed to keep one yet! When you're the one who led to my son's death?" Mr. Ishida ground out, glaring harshly. "You stay the fuck away from myself and Takeru. Takeru!"

Takeru ran up to his father, looking with shock from his father to Kamiya and back again.

"Yea dad?" he asked, barely managing the words.

"You are not allowed to be anywhere near this girl anymore, do you understand? And if Hikari still associates with her, then you are forbidden to see her as well, do I make myself clear?" Mr. Ishida asked angrily.

Takeru hung his head. "Yes sir." He whispered.

"I'll pass the message along to your mother as well. I won't allow the same thing to happen to both my sons. I won't allow you to kill him too." Mr. Ishida finished, glaring at Kamiya. Then, he took Takeru's wrist and turned, leaving quickly.

Kamiya stood, trying not to cry. Kaoru, Takuya and Kouji rushed over to her.

"What the hell was that?" Kouji asked angrily, glaring at the other man.

"That was Yamato's dad." She muttered quietly. "He's hated me for years."

"He had no right to do that! This is a funeral, for god's sake!" Takuya said loudly.

"He can do anything he want." Kamiya whispered. "I want to go home."

She turned and began walking toward the car. The other three looked at each other before chasing after her.

♠♣♥♦

Kouji knocked softly on Kamiya's door at the apartment.

"Come in." she said from inside.

Kouji opened the door slowly. His eyes suddenly opened wide in shock.

"Kami, what are you doing?" he asked quickly.

Kamiya stood in front of her closet, her suitcase on her bed, and she was throwing her clothes into it.

"What the hell does it look like I'm doing, Kou?" she asked, not looking up from her work.

"Well, it looks like you're packing," Kouji began. "But you can't be, because we're not going on a vacation, and we're not moving."

Kamiya stopped and turned, looking seriously at him.

"Kouji…did you not hear what I said earlier?" she asked.

"Which part? There was quite a lot said there at the end." He said, walking further into her room.

Kamiya sat on the bed and Kouji sat next to her.

"Right before we left? Didn't you hear what I said?" she asked.

"You said you wanted to go home, and here we are." Kouji said, motioning to the room around them.

"No, Kouji. No. You don't understand. This," she motioned around them as well. "This isn't home. This is an apartment in Japan. This is where I've lived while I worked. Kouji, my home isn't here."

"I don't understand." Kouji said. "You were born here, Kami."

"Yea, I was born here, for good reason." She said.

"What reason would that be?" Kouji asked, looking more seriously at her, his eyebrows furrowed, his head cocked slightly to the side.

"My dad? I'm his illegitimate child." She said softly, clasping her hands together and looking at her lap where they lay.

"What? You never told me that." He said, putting one of his hands on hers.

"My cousin Brian is the only one who knows, really. And he only knows because his dad's my uncle on my mom's side. I was raised by his dad's other sister while I lived in America. I'm not even sure Brian knows I'm gone." She said sadly.

"You were raised by your aunt? Why?" Kouji asked.

Kamiya picked her head up and looked him in the eyes.

"Because my dad was her husband." She whispered.

"What the fuck?" Kouji muttered, looking at the floor in shock.

"My aunt was married to my father at the time. My mother is my aunt's little sister." Kamiya stopped and looked at Kouji's shocked expression for a moment before continuing.

"My dad was having an affair on my aunt with her little sister-my mother. Turns out, they both got pregnant at about the same time. My aunt, however, had a miscarriage-right about the time I was born. See, my mom's family is really proper and they're total sticklers for having supposedly perfect marriages. My cousin's dad is an alcoholic and beats him and his mom is this total Catholic bitch who only didn't abort him because she thought she'd go to hell for it, but she never says anything about him getting beaten because she's too drunk off of her wine to even look up." Kamiya explained. "So, when I was born, my aunt basically forced my mom to let her raise me. My mom gave in after she moved back, and I was raised in my mom's house. But by then, my dad was quote, unquote, working abroad. He jumped off a bridge a few years back because he just couldn't take it anymore."

"That…that's horrible!" Kouji said, looking at her quickly. "I'm so sorry! I didn't know."

"I know, Brian's the only one that does. Yamato didn't even know the full circumstances. He sure as hell didn't know about my dad. Brian only knows because it was his uncle." Kamiya explained. "I don't really like it to be known everything about me. It turns into this big pain later on down the road."

"I can imagine." Kouji said.

"Yea. My aunt was a bitch raising me, and me and Brian were basically the two outcast kids of the family because we weren't supposed to have been born. He may be six years older than me, but we were stuck together like glue." Kamiya laughed. "His friend Michael's mom Debbie loved both of us like we were her own kids. And Brian and I were totally inseparable when we were little. Then Brian went on to college and I told him I was in love with him and he told me he was queer…and then we kind of lost touch. I doubt he even knows I moved. But it's not like I hated Pittsburgh just because I hated my aunt. That's why I want to go back. I miss it. It was…home."

Kouji looked at her for a moment before looking at the floor. He studied it intensely, thinking, before finally raising up and looking her in the eyes. Taking a deep breath, he rested a hand on her shoulder and smiled lightly.

"You've done a hell of a lot for us. So now…you do what you think you need to do." He said.

Kamiya smiled at him. "Thanks Kouji." She said smiling before leaning over and hugging him.

They stood up and Kouji walked toward the door. Kamiya walked next to him. At the door, he turned and looked at her.

"When are you leaving?" he asked.

"My plane leaves at six." She said softly.

"That's in two hours! You're not even going to say goodbye?" he asked quickly.

"Can you tell Takuya I love him?" she asked, looking at him seriously. "But…tell him that I just had to go home, alright?"

"I…I'll do that." He said. "But what about Kaoru?"

"He knows." She said. "He's driving me to the airport. But he'll hang around here for a while and help you out until you get things figured out."

"Where are you going to go?" Kouji asked worriedly.

"Actually…since I can't really tell people where my mother is, and my guardian just died, and my father killed himself years ago…I'm getting put in foster care." Kamiya said.

"Really?" Kouji asked. "But won't that be kinda bad?"

"Not really. I can deal with it." She said with a smile. "They have me put with a family in California. I actually signed up for it a few weeks back."

"Oh…so you've been planning this?"

"Sort of. I just want to go home. I'm tired of being here."

"Oh. We'll miss you."

"I know. I'll miss you too. Kaoru will take care of you two though."

"Alright." Kouji said, turning to leave. "Kami? I love you."

Kami smiled. "I love you too, Kou. But hey…you need to talk to Kouichi. Yamato mentioned he said something about you while Takuya was gone and…I just think you two need to work some things out."

"Alright." Kouji said, confusion painted on his face.

Kamiya just smiled and shut the door.

♠♣♥♦

"So, you're sure you want to do this?" Kaoru asked her as they walked toward the front door. "You don't even want to say goodbye?"

"Kouji knows; he'll tell Takuya for me." She said, carrying her two suitcases.

"Alright, if you think that's what's best, Princess." Kaoru said, carrying another one.

"I do. I need to go back, Kaoru. And you can handle things here alright." She said, smiling.

Kaoru nodded, looking seriously.

"Don't think I don't know why you're leaving." He said, not even turning to look at her. "And don't think I don't know you did it again. Not just the IV either."

Kaoru stopped and set down the bag, turning around and grabbing her upper arms. He looked into her eyes.

"I know, Kamiya. I'm not blind and I'm not stupid. But I know why you did it too, and I know getting away will help loads. But this," he pulled up her jacket sleeve and pulled her arm up so she could see it. The deep red cuts, all five of them, seemed to jump out in the lightened room. "This has got to stop. Maybe if you're back there, it will."

Kamiya jerked her arm back and yanked her sleeve back down.

"It will, Kaoru. But I had to. Taichi and Yamato-" she began.

"I know! I know you, Kamiya, so I know why you did it. That doesn't change the fact that I don't want you to." He said, turning back around and grabbing the bag. "You don't always have to hurt yourself for everyone that hurts, or for everyone that dies. Yamato wouldn't have wanted you to hurt just because he did. Neither would Taichi. I may not have known them for long, but the way everyone talked about them…I know they wouldn't have liked it. And I also know that fucking confrontation this morning is part of why you're leaving. It was part of your final decision."

"You're right." She said. "I don't think it would be right to make my friends choose between a friend they like and someone they love, someone they're meant to be with. It just wouldn't be right."

The two paused in their speech, almost at the door. Suddenly, Kaoru spoke up.

"You're a good friend Kamiya. A really good friend." He said quietly. "And you had better keep in touch."

"I will, Kaoru, I will." She said with a laugh.

Kamiya looked up and her smile faded. Kaoru was outside the door, his arm outstretched to her. The sunlight danced around his figure, making him glow. She turned and looked back at the house, her bags seeming to weigh down her hands. Her gaze fell on Kaoru again before she turned and let her eyes rest on every section of the apartment she could. Finally she took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"I'm sorry, guys." She whispered, barely breathing. "Goodbye."

Then, she turned and took Kaoru's hand, and they walked out the door.

☺☻

Kami: So yea, shorter chapter than normal, but I tried. My life is totally crazy right now. I don't have a modem at home, so I'm having to update from school, I'm on probation for truancy, and I may be put in foster care, so bear with me! I will update, and I am sooooooo sorry it took so long to get this out there! If you have any ideas for the story, I'm totally happy to hear them. Who knows, I may use some!! I love all of you guys, and hang in there!! Things may be looking up!! Reviews and PMs make me want to work faster to please you guys, so feel free!! Love to all!!

A/N EDIT: Whoever can name Kami's cousin, what show he's from, and who her uncle and his wife are, as well as who's the mother who treated them like her kids gets the next chapter dedicated to them!!!