She had nowhere to go, yet she ran. As fast as she could. She didn't want to be found. She couldn't go back to Kasumi's place, and Thane's was out of the question. She needed somewhere deserted, but Omega seemed more overcrowded than ever. Panic had gripped her and squeezed mercilessly, denying her the air she needed to run. Batarians roamed everywhere, painful reminders worsening the crushing weight on her chest.
She flew to the nearest catwalk and followed the maintenance paths randomly until she found herself above Afterlife beneath the red translucent dome of Omega. A small metal platform gave a nice view of the stars, but Shepard didn't even notice them. She slumped on the floor and put her head in her hands, struggling to breathe and suppress the unwanted flashbacks seizing her.
John's scared eyes, begging her not to leave him alone as she hid him in a cupboard on her mother's orders. Gunshots outside. The neighbors screaming. Mom desperately trying to hold the door while dad was nowhere to be found. The door exploding and taking mom with it, reduced to an mess of bloodied limbs before her eyes. There was a blessed moment of incomprehension before she fully comprehended what she was seeing. Pain. The batarian's voice that had haunted her nights for so many years. "Hello sunshine, you're coming with us." Rough strong arms yanking her outside. John's strangled sobs that they didn't hear.
She struggled to shut down the memory and the panic it brought. She had been an idiot to think she would never feel it again, even with so many years learning to suppress it, but here she was, terror overwhelming her yet again. She felt dizzy; air refused to enter her lungs. At least she was alone, and no one would witness this.
She couldn't calm down. There was no air. Maybe there was a breach in the dome. That had to be it. Her lungs seemed frozen. John's cries crawled through her brain, stealing her ability to do anything other than suffer through the memory again. She could hear him so accurately that for a second she thought he was next to her. She managed to draw a ragged gasp but it wasn't enough to prevent her head from spinning. Drowning outside of water. The memories invaded her dizzy mind without her consent, merciless, forcing their way into her aching brain. Excruciatingly painful memories took control again.
Her bare feet on the cold metal of the batarian ship. Children and teenagers. They only took the young. John wasn't there.
"Bomb it!" the voice of death ordered.
Sound of an explosion, so loud she thought she had become deaf. Its meaning dawning on her. Her screams reduced to silence by a vicious punch in her gut. Hate rushing like a painkiller in her blood. Hatred she had learned to love.
"Snap out of it!"
Her vision was blurry, her heart beat so loudly that she could hear nothing but its fast pounding in her ears. She was going to drown for good this time.
"Shepard!"
Someone was there. Go away! I deserve this. The words didn't come out. Her throat was swollen shut. Not enough room for air, let alone words, to pass through.
"Shepard, decloak."
Leave me alone.
"Do it!"
The voice was familiar, muffled as if she had dreamt it. Gravelly, soothing, yet the order was rough and left no doubt its source was going to act if she didn't cooperate.
Thane.
She raised a trembling hand to deactivate the device, still trying desperately to breathe, but kept her head down. The tears she had shed unconsciously burned on her cheeks, but it was only when she brushed her hands on her face that she noticed them. Any other time, the thought of anyone seeing her at her weakest would be unbearable. Now it was nothing compared the pain and panic tearing through her. She felt like she was dying, and nothing else mattered. Panic engulfed the world like a veil, a disease, a plague that contaminated everything it touched.
"Shepard, look at me." There was still a sense of order in his voice, but it was buried under a low croon that was oddly calming.
She didn't move; she could barely make sense of what he said. Cold scaly fingers seized her chin gently and raised it up. She flinched when she realized how close he was. He ignored it, pressing his forehead to hers. His obsidian eyes were so close that she had no choice but to stare into them.
He's taking away the air!
"You can breathe. Do it. Imitate me. In." He inhaled. "And out." He exhaled.
"-can't! No air!" she gasped.
"And yet I breathe. There is plenty of air, Rahna. Trust me."
It took over a dozen minutes for her to be able to focus on him. She couldn't help but notice that something was wrong with his breathing. It was raspy, unnatural, as if something obstructed the way. But he inhaled and exhaled deeply in a slow rhythm that forced her to calm her own. It felt like it was painful to him.
"-Stop! Don't… you…" she tried.
"I'm fine," he interrupted her, slowly tracing circles in her hair with his free hand. He had not moved, keeping their foreheads pressed together, never breaking eye contact.
Slowly, she felt her frantic heartbeat decrease, the memories fading to a painful haze in the back of her mind. The image of John's sorrowful eyes was still carved on her pupils, and her guilt carved in her heart. But she could breathe. The air was back. It hurt, but it circulated again. She drowned in a different way now. Losing herself in Thane's eyes, not willing to escape his deep calming stare. The world around them was still blurry, narrowed to the two oceans of black in which she felt safe. For once, she didn't want to flee. No one had ever been able to understand, few had tried, and no one had succeeded. But him…
Breaking eye contact, she yielded to the sudden urge to be in his arms. Wrapping her own around him, she buried her head in his neck. She was overwhelmed with endless gratitude. He was stunned for a second, his hand still in her hair, until he moved his other around her, pulling her closer hesitantly.
Shepard had rarely felt safe before. Never since the batarians attacked, in fact. But Thane's deadly hands felt like an unbreakable armor for her soul. Tears still fell from her eyes in a waterfall of thankfulness and sorrow. He didn't speak, waiting patiently until she was ready to. His chest vibrated with a strange warble she couldn't comprehend.
"He's my brother," she finally whispered shakily, refusing to break away from him.
"You didn't mention him when we talked," he replied carefully, not the slightest hint of reproach in his tone.
"Now you see why. I thought he was dead. I can't… He can't be alive. I've searched. I don't even know for how long I... No leads. And now he has him. It's my fault. I should've been more thorough. I..."
She could feel her breathing accelerate again. But he tightened his embrace just enough to calm her down without preventing her breathing, gentle fingers circling again in her hair, appeasing and protective.
"The Illusive Man has means you don't possess, Shepard. Have you considered the idea that it might be a way to lure you to him?"
"I can't take the chance. I have to try."
They both knew what it meant. Azure Edge was not ready for this kind of risky mission. She would have to do this on her own, even though it meant defying Aria's orders.
"I will help you," he murmured.
Still buried in the fringes of his neck, Shepard opened her eyes in surprise.
"Why?"
"You helped my son, I will help you find your brother."
"I didn't do anything. You don't owe me anything. And Aria will never let me go."
There was a painful silence. She clung to him desperately. She felt as if she were on a cliff, falling over the edge.
"She ordered me to kill you if you showed any sign of betrayal," he said in a measured tone.
"Will you?"
He carefully slid out of her embrace and captured her again in his entrancing stare, making her shiver.
"I believe there is another way."
She wondered if he had dodged the question on purpose or if he really had something in mind. At this point, she would follow him anywhere if it meant she could find John, see what he had become, hear his voice again. A small glimmer of hope started to bloom within her, but she did her best to strangle it. Hope never brought her anything good. Weakness slowly faded from her face to let determination take its place.
"What do you have in mind?"
"Very rude of you to run away like that, Shepard. Care to explain?" Aria snarled as they made their way back to the balcony. The previous guests had left. Only the queen remained, glued to her couch, angry and demanding answers.
Shepard took a deep breath, acutely aware of Thane's eyes on her. She knew how to do this. Drain all emotion, neutral voice, nothing in it.
"John is my brother. Presumed dead until now. It's been 11 years since I last saw him. He would be 15 by now. The Illusive Man has him or wants me to believe so. I don't know his motives, but I need to find out, find him and bring him back before the enemy turns him into a weapon." It had come out so mechanically that for a second she thought someone else had uttered her words.
"I don't see how a 15 year-old untrained boy can be a threat to Azure. What proof do you have that he's alive and this isn't just a trap?" Aria said bluntly. "This data could have been planted on every Network omnitool for the sole purpose of getting you to run straight into your beloved Illusive Man's arms."
Fuck you! Shepard thought so loudly Aria might have heard it. Instead, she took a deep breath. She needed to stay calm and collected. Keep her voice low. Imitate the drell statue beside her.
"I am aware of that. But even if it was a trap, I would walk into it eyes wide open and willing if it meant closing on the Illusive Man and finding my brother. Isn't that what you want, Aria? Kill the Illusive Man? Just ask, because I don't even need to be paid. I can't wait for you to be ready. Not anymore."
"Do you really think you can just quit, human?" the asari challenged, her eyes melding into a predatory stare.
She was going to snap, and the queen knew it. But a cold and reassuring hand on Shepard's shoulder made her swallow back the anger that was threatening to explode out of her.
"Allow me," Thane whispered confidently in her ear.
Shepard backed away to let Thane fill the space, a bit worried but trusting. He clasped his hands behind his back, as he so often did.
"Aria," he began.
Aria stood to face him.
"What's on your mind, Thane? Are you going to betray me, too?"
"Do you really think so poorly of me?" he purred. "Have I not been by your side for many years? Your favorite tool, you once qualified me. Maybe my memory fails me..."
The bold sarcasm in his last sentence made Aria frown slightly, but she seemed confused by his strangely inviting tone, so unfamiliar, his gravelly voice he intentionally made smooth like honey while a constant purr underlined every word. Shepard was mesmerized, but Aria quickly snapped out of it.
"Of course I value your service, drell. You've proven to be much more than a simple tool, whatever you might recall. You're a wise advisor, too. But I can admit all of this and still launch all of Omega's wrath on you if you decide to leave me. Every merc, thief, vorcha, every single piece of corrupted dirt on this damned asteroid will seek you out and kill you in cold blood if I will it."
Thane didn't flinch. In fact, he stood straight, facing Aria with a defying stare. Then he chuckled softly.
"And yet you would never find me, my queen. But I do not wish to run from you." Aria relaxed slightly. "Although I consider my debt repaid, I wish to remain in your service. If you allow me to take Shepard's mission as my own, I will be your weapon as long as I live."
"So, what, a few months?" Aria cut with a light chuckle. "Come on Thane, you know you can't play me that easily. Try harder. I'm beginning to like it."
They exchanged a playful look while Shepard slumped against the wall, arm crossed over her chest. Aria's cruel logic didn't seem to shake Thane at all.
"Have I ever failed you, all these years I stayed by your side despite having no reason too, as your arm, your tool, taking on missions I didn't agree with? Have I not been one of your most loyal advisors and your friend?" he began again, grinning. He was dashing. Shepard had a feeling she was one of the missions he didn't agree with.
"I never was disappointed in you," Aria mused, playing along. "You make it sound like you're doing me a favor, drell, need I remind you who helped you quench your thirst for vengeance?"
"You needn't. I cannot forget. Task me with this mission, give me a competent team, and I'll seek out the Illusive Man for you. I will make him regret ever daring to stand against Azure Edge. Fighting the Network afterwards will be the easiest victory you've ever had. Saving John Shepard will just be a pleasant bonus. And in the event we fail, which is unlikely, you still have competent operatives. You can't wait forever for an opportunity to present itself. Our enemy is careful. This might be a trap, or this might be what you've been waiting for."
Shepard frowned, but Aria let out a crystalline laugh. She was enjoying their little game.
"Is she really worth it, Thane?" her quizzical voice taunted.
I'm still here, you know, Shepard thought, but kept quiet. She really wanted to hear his answer.
"She is," he simply said. "I owe her."
For some reason, that answer wasn't the one she had wanted. Aria stayed silent for a while, clearly amused, considering it.
"I need Mordin Solus for medical support, Kasumi Gotto for stealth and information gathering, Tali'Zorah for engineering and tech and, of course, Shepard. And I need to ask Dr.T'Soni's external support for intel," Thane continued before she could argue, sensing he was gaining ground.
"Oh, sure! And why don't you take Archangel with you, too?" Aria teased, snorting with disdain.
"He would certainly be an asset," Thane answered in the most serious way possible.
"Hm… Let me sum this up. You demand that that I send you on a suicide mission because you fell for Shepard's pretty eyes, a mission that will most likely force you to find the Shadow Broker to get to the Illusive Man, and believe me, I've tried, it's not that easy. To do so, you strip me of my best operatives with no guarantee of success but a dying man's promise." She paused. "I don't appreciate being blackmailed like this, Thane."
"But as I said before…" she continued softly, her hand ghosting on his cheek, "I never could resist drell charms. Especially not yours. If you fail this, Azure will fail, too. You are confident that you can succeed? I trust you, don't make me regret it. "
"Never," he swore solemnly, ignoring the tender gesture.
"Out of my sight, both of you. Before I change my mind," the queen ordered.
Thane pivoted on his feet with a contented smile and Shepard followed him down the stairs.
"Thane?" Aria suddenly called.
He stopped and waited.
"A kiss goodbye?" she tempted.
"I wouldn't dare," he smiled.
Aria's crystalline laugh accompanied them down the stairs.
"What was that?" Shepard inquired as they left, still surprised by how easily he had turned Aria's anger upside-down.
"Negotiation."
"Yeah, let's call it that. I'm almost sad I made my 'recruiting' so easy now."
"I thought you hated me for it," he teased.
"Still do. But at least it would have been worth my while. Never thought drell could purr like cats."
"Cats?"
"You don't wanna know. Hey, ah… thank you. For this and… for earlier. I've been such a bitch to you, and you keep saving my ass. I won't forget."
He gave her an enigmatic smile and changed the subject. "We still need a ship."
"Oh, I can handle this. I've got just the one."
Author's note: Thanks to Askeebe (Moments in between, Never let me go etc..) for English proof and beta reading.