BloodGutsandChocolatePudding Agh, I'm scared you'll hate me.
The Sorrowful Deity Jesus jokes are awesome.
fandomismylife I had such a hard time figuring out how to write that little interaction with Abraham, I'm so glad you saw it.
ImNotThatPerfect You're using All Time Low lyrics in reviews? *squints approvingly*
Rolochan Oh, I hope you're feeling better! Rick has a habit of underestimating things (SAVIOURS), underestimating Oliver, especially lately. I guess Oliver hasn't really spoken much about how he feels about his breakup with Carl and so he's sort of filled in the blanks himself. Ah, thanks for that prompt. It inspired a chapter in the chapter when Enid gave Maggie a haircut. And yes, definitely. Oliver blames himself for everything and it makes his mind hurt himself, which is awful for him. Thank you for the recs!
The Flash Fanatic He says he loves you too!
Guest This chapter love, love, loves you too!
Blood on my Machete Augh, the voice in his head is awful! Yeah, he has a little. Oh, dear, be careful what you wish for.
Natsumo Fujoshit you Yes. It's just gonna take like a while... (: you don't have to... smoke... the... weeds...? Honestly not sure it that was a typo but I keep just imagining your avatar with a dandelion week sticking out of his mouth.
CW: Possible self-harm triggers.
'And when the flames come up
I see the fire in your eyes
And when the flames come up
I can hear alone wolf cry..'
It begins to rain.
Carol already left with a million Tupperware boxes of cookies to share around the community. I sit by side door open, grey clouds outside and the sound of rain closeted around the house, munching cookies and practicing ukulele — then Enid's coming along the street so I smack my bandage to the strings to silence them.
I listen to the rain. Hard and heavy and clean.
"Hi?"
I wave.
She steps up enough to be out of the downpour. "Didn't know you could still play with one hand."
I shrug, flushing; I don't play in front of people anymore.
"Helps my headaches," I mumble. "But if I do it too long my scar hurts. Bandage helps, but... still can't do much... kinda have to work around it to make it sound right... uh, sorry. Rambling."
She smirks, petting Bean who's just woken up from a nap.
"Been busy?" I ask.
She shrugs. "Carol gave me cookies. They were pink," she says; pixie-sweet all over right now.
"Yeah."
Her sweetness dissolves into worry.
"What is it?" I ask.
"They're back," she says. "Rick and the others. Parked up outside the pantry a little while ago." She looks at me very carefully. "They're holding a meeting. I heard Rick tell Carol there's gonna be a fight."
"Where are they?"
She sighs. "The church."
While everybody is inside the church, Enid and I find a secluded spot outside under one of the windows, out of the rain. Rick explains about someone called Craig, who's Jesus' friend from Hilltop. Craig was taken captive by a different group, the Saviors, yesterday. The Saviors are the Hilltop Colony's rivalries, or... bosses. It's hard to tell. But the stick of it is that they're some big, bad, scary group that likes to take undeserved ownership of things that don't belong to them.
Sounds like some kind of lame comic book plot or something.
Only it's real.
In order to get Craig back, someone else from Hilltop, Craig's brother, was blackmailed by the Saviors to betray and kill their leader, Gregory, but Rick killed him, saved Gregory, and in doing that earned us all the food they brought back, only also doing that has made Alexandria aware of how close to home the Saviors are, which makes us vulnerable.
Carol, Noah, Daryl, Rick, Michonne, Glenn, Maggie, Rosita, Abraham, Tara, Heath, Gabriel and Jesus are going to go to the Saviors' compound tomorrow, along with another guy from Hilltop, Andy, who can help. We work with them in exchange for food. In exchange for safety. The Saviours already tried to kill Sasha and Daryl and Abraham out on the road once, but they were killed, and sooner or later the rest of them would have come to find us, like those Wolves did, like Jesus did.
"They woulda killed someone, or some of us, and then they would try to own us, and we would try to stop them. But by then, in that kind of fight, low on food, we could lose. This is the only way to be sure, as sure as we can get, that we win."
I'm looking at the faux on Enid's coat and she's watching a beetle crawl up the church wall next to my hand. It has small rain droplets on its shell, and dark rainbows shimmer in its blackness. I leave it alone, even when it scurries across my thumb.
"And we have to win," Rick goes on. "We do this for the Hilltop, it's how we keep this place — it's how we feed this place. This needs to be a group decision. If anybody objects, here's your chance to say your piece."
"You're sure we can do it?" Morgan. "We can beat them?"
I grind my teeth, thinking about what Noah told me and made me swear on my life I wouldn't tell anybody: Noah said that when the herd came, he hid with Rosita, Tara and Eugene in a brownstone apartment garage. Morgan, Carol and Denise were in there, too. So was a Wolf. The leader. Morgan had been hiding him in there to try to rehabilitate him. Carol tried to kill him but Morgan threw her down and knocked her out, and then the Wolf attacked Morgan and took Denise captive, Carol managed to finally kill him.
"Yes," Rick answers, "I'm sure."
"Then all we have to do is just tell them," Morgan says.
"They don't compromise."
"This isn't a compromise. It's a choice. It's a way out, for them and for us."
"We try and talk to the Saviors, we give up our advantage, our safety? No, we have to come for them before they come for us. We can't leave them alive."
"Where there's life, there's possibility."
"Of them hitting us!"
"We're not trapped in this. None of you are trapped in this."
"Morgan... They always come back."
"Come back when they're dead, too."
"Yeah, we'll stop them," Rick says. "We have before."
"I'm not talkin' about the walkers."
"Morgan wants to talk to them first," Rick tells everybody. "I think that would be a mistake, but it's not up to me. I'll talk to the people still at home. I'll discuss it with the people on guard now, too, but who else wants to approach the Saviors, talk to them first?"
"What happened here, we won't let that happen again," Aaron is saying. "I won't."
I look at Enid. I can't tell what she's thinking. I'm thinking that The Saviors are a threat and that they need to die. Because after all this time reading comics and singing songs and eating cookies, I forgot. I'm the bad guy.
"Looks like it's settled," Rick says finally. "We know exactly what this is. We don't shy from it, we live. We kill them all."
GO THROUGH THE FENCES.
IN YOUR CARS.
GET YOUR GUNS.
WE GO IN.
KILL THEM ALL!
"We don't all have to kill," Rick goes on. "But... if people are gonna stay here, they do have to accept it."
Everybody starts to leave and Enid and I aren't spotted only because she grabs my collar and pulls us away.
"Come over tomorrow," I tell her, "for your hair."
She smiles and I go back. Bean's not around, probably gone back to Enid's, but Carl's sitting on his porch next door, Judith playing with Patty. He comes down to greet me.
"Hey."
"Hey, man."
It's still raining. I blink away dew from my eyelashes. See them forming in his hair.
Carl's the kind of boy who belongs to the rain.
"I'm overdue," he says, squinting. "I... I was meant to make Noah a wooden keychain yesterday but I haven't finished it yet. Could you tell him?"
"Yeah. Sure."
He nods in thanks.
"Are you feeling any better?" I ask.
"Oh. Yeah. Sorry about that. I just... I get caught up sometimes. I forget that, you know, we're not... That you don't..."
"Don't what?"
"Nothing... forget it. Just... sorry I ran my mouth like that. I know you'll put your parents down one day. You don't need me going on about it all the time."
Hearing this makes me feel very lonely very suddenly, and the sadness hits me, like I've just lost my breath. I can't tell if he notices, but he must because his smile twitches away.
"It's cool," I say. "You didn't do anything wrong. Later, man."
Inside, I leave my raincoat to dry on the rack and get to doing mirror therapy in my bedroom alone. Today it doesn't help. I lie back on the floor and stare at the ceiling. I hear Noah arrive home. He must know I'm in here because he knocks once and says, "I'll be in my room," and then minutes later I can hear him scribbling into his notes, tapping his feet to the wood floor, his chair scraping sometimes. I can also hear Carl doing physical therapy over in his house.
Thonk.
Thonk.
Thonk.
Thonk.
Someone else comes into the house. They're heading up the staircase. When they knock on my door I sit up and say, "Avanti, avanti," and Carol walks in. She goes to the window and shuts it — the thonking stops. I push the mirror back under my bed. Carol goes around my room collecting laundry, and then she stands there, and she tells me she left a cookie for Sam on his grave today.
I don't say anything because there's nothing to say.
"Did you hear about tomorrow?" she asks.
"Yeah," I say, skipping out how.
She sighs. "I'm gonna talk to Rick about you coming with us, if you want. But I wanted to ask you first."
"Oh," I say. Last time I left the wall was for a driving lesson, and sure, I can shoot a hand gun and use a knife alright, but — "Do you think he'll be okay with it? I mean, I'll go into the compound but—"
"No, no," Carol interrupts me. She grabs my chair and sets it in front of me, sitting on it backwards. "You're gonna be waiting outside, keeping watch with me while the others go in."
I frown. "Then, why am I going?"
She takes a breath. "Rick talked to me about something, earlier. I've been thinking about it for months, really."
"What?" I ask.
"Lorton," Carol says. I might laugh at her for this, I can't tell. Maybe I just cough. "Carl mentioned it to Rick. Several times, by what Rick says. How come you never talked to me about this?"
I shrug. "Just wasn't important enough."
"Of course it is," she says. "We've been in Alexandria almost a year."
Again, I shrug.
Carol sighs. I listen to the rain outside and watch her eyes. They're that strange type of silver that I feel like I've grown up with, and I have, really. Still rusting, even if she hides it. I'm scared of Carol rusting away completely.
"Me and you," Carol says. "We'll go. Once they're done in the compound. You and me are gonna take a car to Lorton so you can put your parents down."
I don't say anything. I'm giving her time to take it back if she needs to, like I already know this is never going to happen.
"Oliver?"
I blink a few times.
She crouches in front of me, puts a hand on my cheek, and kisses the side of my head. I tell her, "Thank you," and she tells me, "I'll go make supper," and then she steps over to the door but stops. "Oh. Did you move my cigarettes?"
I shrug.
"Oliver..."
"Those things will kill you," I answer, but see the desperate look in her face and relent. "In the fridge — where you used to hide the chocolate."
She glares at me. "Yeah, but you kept stealing it."
"You wouldn't have looked there though, right?"
She sighs.
"Where do you keep the chocolate now, by the way?"
She doesn't answer me, instead says, "Thank you," and makes to leave again.
"Carol?"
"Yeah."
"Are you alright?"
"Have to be."
Late that night, I wake from a nightmare about dying children. Outside, it's still raining. I lay there trembling and wide awake — after sleeping all evening since supper, along with most of the others, to be ready for tomorrow, I know I won't sleep again for a while.
I pray into my knuckles.
Dear, God.
Tomorrow.
I'm afraid of tomorrow.
...amen.
I don't pray a lot, hardly ever, but this prayer's stuck in my head since falling asleep, since the rain. Because I am afraid of tomorrow. I know that prayers are meant to be asking for things, or, I don't know, counting your blessings, but there just isn't anything else I want to say. I am just afraid. And then I start to bruise myself. My arm is still sore — I can only reach the one, so I do it on my stomach and chest instead. I stop after long enough, when my head spins and I start to feel floaty, like some drug high. A hurt to dull the hurt.
Handle this.
I can't.
There's something wrong with you.
I know.
I hear someone, Carol, walking along the hallway — listen to her leave the house. After a while, I get up and go to her room because mine is too miserable. I like Carol's bedroom. I like the brown-cream-patterned sheets and the matching curtains. I like the tall brown lamp on her night stand and all the lotions and perfumes she's got, like jasmine and amber and lavender. She's left her journal on the bedside table. It's open, and I do that thing where I only catch one word and can't look away...
'R
K, D
L
Terminus/Courtyard 3?
Candle Woman 4
Ws 7
(18)'
It's a list of people she's killed. She's been gone a while. I get worried, so I go looking for her. She isn't outside on the porch. Not in the moonlit, rainy street.
What if she left?
She wouldn't... again.
I head for the name wall, thinking maybe she's sitting and smoking in the shelter of the gazebo. I'm half way there before I spot her — the small, blurry, orange glow of a cigarette between her fingers. A smoke cloud leaves her mouth as she turns for the lake.
"Those things'll kill you."
She stops in the middle of the street at Tobin's voice. He's sitting on his porch. I hide before either of them see me. Carol sighs.
"I've heard," she says.
"You got another one?" he asks.
"Not for you."
"Why's that?"
"'Cause. Asshole."
"Okay..."
I think she'll walk away but she sits with him, out of the rain.
"Couldn't sleep either?" Tobin asks.
"Never could sleep," Carol replies.
"Hm — Hey. Why's your pack so cold?"
"Oliver," Carol replies, "hid them in the fridge again."
Tobin chuckles.
"He's got a habit of tryin'a save my life."
Tobin makes a noise. "Terrible."
"Gotta remember to thank him, one day."
"Worried about tomorrow," Tobin tells her.
"You goin'?" she asks him.
"No. You are... You can do things that... just terrify me."
"How? How do you think I do those things?"
"You're a mom..."
"I was."
"You are."
"No — Oliver... He doesn't see me as that. Can't... not anymore."
Guilt hits me in the stomach.
"No," Tobin insists. "It... it's not the cookies or the... smiles. It's the hard stuff. The scary stuff. It's... how you can do it. It's strength. You're a mom to that boy. You're a mom to most of the people here."
"To you, too?"
"No. You're somethin' else to me."
I don't see it but I know they kiss. Carol says, "It's not tomorrow yet," and I decide that I should've left a long time ago. It wasn't my place to come after her tonight. She is trying, and she deserves to be alright, we all do, so I leave, feeling too lonely and too desperate. I can hardly stand it.
Then I'm standing outside Enid's house, breathless. Olivia keeps the pantry and the armoury secure, but I know they keep their door unlocked, so I go in and up to Enid's room. I kneel by her bed and shake her shoulders to wake her.
Her eyes widen when she sees me and I tell her, "I like you."
She rubs her face, squinting. "What?"
"What?" I ask.
"Oliver, what the hell?"
I sigh. "Sorry. I just... I wanted to tell you."
She watches me.
I say it again. "I like you."
"I don't believe you."
"I... right. Yeah. That's understandable."
She frowns. "You shouldn't say it if you don't mean it."
"What if I do?" I ask. "What if I just don't know in what way yet?"
"Are... you asking to kiss me?"
"I think so..."
"Well, do you want to?"
"Yeah," I say.
"Okay," she says. "Cool..." so I kiss her. It isn't some ground-breaking experience, like I'd been expecting. There's no flame embers or big red curtains rolling across the stage to finalise the performance. It just happens.
I pull back to check her face.
"Sorry. Was that okay?"
"Yeah. It was cool."
"Can I do it again?"
"Yeah."
We kiss again and we start laughing while we kiss. All this time I thought I knew everything about kissing. It didn't occur to me until now that Enid and I could make an entirely new kind of kissing. We're just kissing. Kissing like Enid and I kiss. Kissing like we're not two kids in love.
She lets me change into some dry clothes. And she lets me stay over — I stretch out on my back along her bed and very carefully Enid sits on my stomach, and very quietly, she asks me if I want her. I shake my head. I apologise. But Enid shakes her head too. She smiles. She says she doesn't want me either. So I ask her if she wants to kiss me again and she nods so I tell her I want to kiss her again, too. Her hair falls over her shoulder, tickles my collarbones. Nose to nose. Breathing. I touch her hand, the same way I did in Nowhere that day.
She smiles.
"Cool..."
And I kiss her. We kiss for a while — I'm not sure how long, but I get sleepy after long and the kissing slows to nothing at all and we curl up together under the blankets, face-to-face. We don't say anything at all. We just listen to the rain outside. The rain and the insects and the air and the fall night, until we drift into sleep.
'Maybe you are stronger than I was
But trust me 'cause I know
The woods get what they want
The wolves will chase you down
Then bring you to your knees
Run you ragged to the ground
Just like they did to me...'
Notes
Song was Hell by Olivver the Kid. As well as just the name/band being sickeningly ironic and disgustingly coincidental, it's actually like a super pretty fucking amazing song. Thanks for the playlist, dearpureblood. (Find it on 8tracks dot com "Just Oliver")
I would like to point out the character development from chapter 5 to 14. . . Oliver chose not to squash the beetle this time.
Disclaimer: I'm British, so I spell Saviors like Saviours, so excuse me if I get that muddled.
As always,
Happy reading.