Chapter 14

Batter My Heart

"A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave."
Mahatma Gandhi

Edward's doubt festered throughout the night, like a sore, a cancer, eating away at the flesh of his mind. He tried so hard to stay true to his determination, he would do this, he could do it! Yet however vehemently he proclaimed his obedience the doubt simply doubled itself, and again, and again, exponentially filling the holes left behind, weighing him down with the thought of it all, his perfect, ideal life falling away from his grasp...

He awoke to tangled sheets and the dim glow of an early sunrise. He drew in deep shuddering breaths as the light filtered in through the window, slowly intensifying, slowly blowing away the dark strands of nightmare still clinging to his thoughts. He calmed himself, paced his breathing, closed his eyes, relaxed his hands from their intense grip on the duvet cover.

'He loves me' the nightmare echoed briefly
'But he isn't yours yet' the light parried

Edward shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut until the light began to swirl and dance behind them. He rubbed at his face roughly with his hand and sighed. Tomorrow had become today, yet he didn't seem to feel any of yesterday's brilliant enthusiasm, any of its longing. Now it was tainted somehow, sour to the taste. This was what he had been waiting for, this would solve everything. Yet the thought of everything just righting itself without reason like that, without consequence...it didn't seem real anymore. It didn't seem plausible.

"No," Edward growled as the sunlight illuminated the room, casting a warm, comforting glow over his skin, "I promised, I said I would help. I will do this."

Yet somehow, what had seemed so simple before, now did not seem attainable at all. Something still rankled, deep in his thoughts, irritating, scrabbling around. Suddenly his being happy and his blind obedience seemed mutually exclusive. The thought made him feel sick.

The book didn't reveal anything more, no matter how much he studied it, no matter how much he burned his eyes raw trying his best to decipher the intricate runes. His hands shook with the need to touch it but he couldn't; the feeling of the pages through the gloves just wasn't the same, he needed contact. Edward sat back in the chair heavily, scraping the feet against the stone floor, the sound echoing through the deserted library. It was still too early for most people to have arisen, still too early for Ghalt to be tottering around the cavernous hall searching through the books, but not too early for Edward to be up and worrying over his decision.

"What do I do?" he whispered to no one, "Why do I have to choose? Please...I don't want to make any more mistakes."
"And here I thought you'd already made your choice," the voice should have scared him, but in all honesty it wasn't surprising at all.

What did make him jump were the two arms reaching round to encircle him from behind. He sat up straighter, jerking into the hold, and tried to steady his heartbeat. It's breath pooled over his throat and the deep burning chuckle it let out set the hairs at the back of his neck on edge. It tightened its hold possessively.

"You promised, my pet, did you not?" it said, mock sadness in its tone, "You promised to help me and yet here you are, studying, trying to understand your fate. Where is your faith?"
"I...I just want to know what will happen," Edward said as reasonably as he could, swallowing as one of Its hands raised to stroke gently at his neck.
"You don't need to worry about what will happen," It reprimanded lightly, "you just need to worry about making sure that your wonderful device works when it needs to and that you are there to supervise everything."
"But..." he would have gone further if the hand at his throat hadn't tightened subtly, fingers moulding themselves to his jugular.
"Knights don't ask questions," it said and Edward could have sworn he smelled burning but couldn't tell from where, "they obey, they submit. Isn't that right?"

Lips on his skin, a desperate warmth spreading from that contact, what he had wanted...

"Yes," Edward breathed out, closing his eyes, his tone almost confused, questioning as he said, "I promised, didn't I..?"
"You did," It said, "and I won't forget my promise to you either. You will have what you desire."

Edward's eyes flew open as the Thing spoke, sucking in a quick breath that seemed to give him the courage to speak. He pushed up out of the chair brazenly, careful to twist out of the hold It had on his neck and stumbled backwards into the table. It stood there, wearing Capell's face as it had done every other time, looking at him with a blank expression. Edward found he was panting, the places where it had touched seemed to burn, sweat trickling from the abused flesh.

"What I want?" Edward said as if trying to remember something deeply buried, "What I want?"
"Yes," It said coldly, none of the usual warmth in its voice, "everything you desire, but only if you do as you are told."
"I..." Edward fought to remember, to see, "but I already have what I want. I have what I want!"

The Thing frowned at him, the look would have been almost comical if Capell's eyes hadn't held that unnatural glow behind them. Then it stepped around the chair, advancing on Edward slowly but purposefully. Edward wanted to retreat but found he couldn't command his feet to move, couldn't control his body as it stood, rooted to the spot, as danger lurked closer and closer. Why? Edward thought desperately, why!

"Oh I see," It purred out threateningly as it stopped before Edward, leaning forwards until it pressed him up against the table completely, placing a hand on either side of him, "you have what you want, do you?"
"I..." Edward found it hard to breathe, as if the air around him were being burned away, "all I ever wanted was his love. I have that now! I have it, I don't need you to give me anything..!"
"Have it, do you?" Edward winced and gasped for air as It leaned closer, lips almost touching his as his body shook with fear and defiance; it's voice seemed to rise as if from the earth itself, growing and growing, "Have it! You foolish, foolish being, so bound by your pathetic logic, your idiotic belief that you know everything! Have it, do you? What proof do you have that you have all that you desire, hmm?"
"But, the letter?" Edward's mind was swimming, he felt light headed, it was hard to think.
"Oh the letter, of course, and poor Aya's exclamation of hate, so very convincing to your poor mortal judgment!"

It tilted Its head back and laughed, a deep roaring sound like a furnace, the haze of heat and light almost overwhelming; Edward struggled to stay upright, his arms almost buckling under the assault. He shook his head, trying to comprehend what it was saying. The conviction which had built slowly in his heart was very quickly being quashed by the Thing's own self assuredness.

"You don't understand anything!" It roared joyously, as if revelling in its own power, "What proof do you have that any of this is your own doing, that any of this would have happened without me, that any of this is even exists?"
"What do you mean?" Edward wheezed out pathetically, eyes wide open with the fear that...
"You don't," It whispered, such a contrast to Its earlier manner of speak that Edward had to strain to hear it, "you don't because you had no part in this. All of this, all of this is my doing! This wonderful work of art that fooled you so wonderfully until now is my doing. I told you that I would give you what you desired, I promised you, and I have. Did you think that things had just miraculously fallen into place? That Capell just magically returned, magically decided that he loved you? That this wonderful illusion that you've fallen into wasn't odd in any way?"

Edward felt sick, bile rising in his throat. He fought it down, the nausea, the need to get it out of him, oh god get it out, get it out! Oh god, oh god, it couldn't be true, this wasn't true! But the memories came rushing back so quickly that he couldn't stop them: the hand disappearing beneath the sand, finding Aya in the desert, Capell's mirage, Jareth, Setan, finding Dominica, the stampede, Capell...and the Thing there, on the flawless sand, glowing brightly and perfectly.

"Yes my pet," It said as it watched Edward's eyes glaze over, "you used to wonder why no one remembered what you had seen with your own eyes, didn't you? Then you stopped trying to remember because you had me to guide you, to help you, to give you everything. And here I have you, trapped inside this wonderful illusion that only I can make reality, this perfect place where slowly your life is falling into place, isn't that right? You feel so safe here, so very warm and cared for. Everything is going right for once, isn't it?"
"No," Edward felt the sob leave his throat but knew it was futile.
"You know it is true," It said, leaning in to grasp the back of Edward's head, pulling him forward to sear a kiss against his struggling, gasping lips before releasing him once more, "I control this fate and, if you defy me, everything will disappear, everything that I worked so hard to create! Your building confidence, your confession, your unrequited love, the support of your loyal friends, Capell returning your affections, Aya's consternation...you thought it was all real? I suppose I should take it as a compliment that something I created to be flawless turned out so well, so believable."

It stared at Edward's stricken countenance and smiled grotesquely, stroking Its free hand down the side of his face in a mockery of tender affection.

"I'm the one who brought him back," It said, each word stabbing at Edward like a physical blow, "from that wonderful full moon mimicking the day when he was born, when everything was just right! I'm the one who gave him second breath, second life, second function. My wonderful vessel, he will serve his purpose and he will make you obedient. You will obey me because, without me..."

It stopped as if savouring Edward's agony.

"...there is no Capell."

Ghalt was the one to find Edward, once more startled and worried out of his wits to find the King slumped on the floor, his back to one of the sturdy wooden table legs, face blank of expression. He managed to get him off the cold stone floor and into the chair then ran for the doctor. Edward didn't respond much to any of the further proceedings. He had to get to the planes, was all he could think, numbly, while the doctor looked at him with a worried expression and told him he should get some rest. Edward just nodded sadly, all energy gone, and asked if someone could help him back to his study. The guard on duty was more than willing, letting Edward lean on him as they walked through the corridor to Edward's private chamber. Edward thanked him absently and closed the door behind him, falling bonelessly into one of the large armchairs by the fire.

"Two hours," he said to himself, trance like, "two hours and everything will be fine. Everything will be alright again. Two hours."

Edward wished he could sleep, his body felt heavy, so tired, and yet he was so terrified of losing everything that he forced his eyes to stay open and stare at the clock on the mantelpiece on the other side of the room. Two hours, the thought revolved in his head even as the minutes continued to count down and down, two hours and he could be happy forever.

"Edward have you got a minute?" Eugene had spotted him walking past the main hall towards the stables; Edward tensed irrationally but continued walking.
"Not even half a minute," he said tightly, throwing Eugene a look over his shoulder as the other man ran to catch up, "I have to be at the camp making sure everything runs smoothly."
"Well then I'll come with you," Eugene offered.
"I'm busy," Edward replied, noting how very icy he was being, "please Eugene I've got a lot to think about, I don't need any more added to my plate."
"Come on Ed, this is important," Eugene said, following him into the stables and watching Ed as the groom helped him mount his horse.

Ed reigned the wild creature in as the stallion snorted and threw its head back and forth, whinnying loudly. The groom grabbed the bridle and held the horse down, eyes shocked by the usually calm horse's behaviour. Eugene stepped back from the creature as it continued to resist, frowning. He looked back to Ed, noting his seeming ignorance to the event at all.

"Fine," Edward bit out as Eugene opened his mouth, "take one of the other horses and ride in with me but hurry up, I'm not waiting for you."

Eugene didn't pass up his chance. The groom led him to one of the other horses prepared for the guests, mainly the few scientists who had been staying at the castle who rode out every day to check their equipment. Eugene was given a sturdy fawn coloured mare with a white mane and a very good nature, which Eugene was very grateful for. No later had he mounted the horse and set his feet in the stirrups than Edward flashed past him, bucking the wild stallion into a fierce gallop through the courtyard and out the gates. Stable hands were forced to dive to cover and the even the guards watched the horse warily as they steadied their own mounts and made to follow as an escort. Eugene went with them at a more acceptable pace, trying to ignore the awkward silence Edward left in his wake.

Edward arrived at the camp three minutes after departing the castle, forcing his horse into an agitated trot as he picked his way through the tents in search of the one tent he needed to get to. When he found it he could barely stop the horse from rearing on his hind legs, forced to jump from the wild thing as it bucked and whinnied. The nearby scientists all looked on in shock as Edward simply abandoned his horse in the middle of a walkway, allowing it to trot off into the planes unattended. They muttered to each other while Edward simply ignored them, throwing back the curtain of the tent that housed his precious device. There were three apprentices in the tent, along with Kiriya and a scientist from Kotlon, who were conversing intensely. Kiriya looked up in surprise as Edward stormed into the tent, eyes wild.

"I need this," he said pointing to the device, "out on the field in the position I specified, now."

There was an awkward silence as everyone just stared at Edward. Kiriya was the first to break himself out of the shock.

"Nice to see you too," he said sarcastically, "and I was just about to have it moved in a minute, we have plenty of time you know."
"What is it about the word 'now' that you don't understand?" Edward said darkly, making Kiriya start back from him without knowing quite why he did so, and the others in the tent gape, "If it isn't out there in ten minutes I won't be held accountable for my actions."

With that he left, ignoring the outraged muttering that started as soon as they thought he was out of earshot. Edward didn't have time for this, didn't they understand that he didn't have time for this? He was so close, so very close, and everything had to go just right or everything would be lost. The full moon had been the perfect time to bring Capell back, It had said, and now the Eclipse was the perfect time to bring his lord to the earth. Edward shuddered and swallowed down his resolve even as the voices in his head raised to such a clamour that it was hard not to clutch at his head in pain. They didn't want him to do it, they told him it was a trap, some terrible, elaborate trap. He couldn't listen, didn't they understand that he couldn't listen!

He walked until he was clear of the tents, a little ways out into the plane where some of the more eager scientists had already set up their equipment and were steadily checking over the mechanisms and making notes. Edward ignored them. Everything was so close and yet so far away. All of this wasn't a reality which was supposed to exist, all of this would become real as soon as the device worked and pulled the being into him, consuming him, becoming him. Everything would be his and Capell would be alive and well and everything would be alright!

He slumped to the ground and put his back against a large beam of wood which was supporting a huge telescope. No one could see him here, Edward thought fervently as he stared up into the sky. The sun shone brightly through the thin air, not a cloud in sight, and there, on the right, edging fatefully across the sky was the moon. Edward watched with a feeling of utter helplessness as the oddly small moon lined itself up for a collision course, ready to blot out the light of the sun and cause some dreadful, wonderful event. He noticed, absently, that his hands were shaking and he felt nauseous again. This shouldn't be his decision, he thought wildly, why should he have to decide? He was selfish, Edward knew that, and he was so tired of being alone, of being afraid, that he would do anything to have it stop. The Thing promised it would help him and it had already created a perfect world where Capell loved him, and now he was paying it back.

Edward lowered his vision from the lofty sky back down to earth, noticing a group of burly men, a few scientists in their designated white robes and Kiriya, discernable only because he was now refusing to wear the white robes and was dressed in his trademark green. They were, carefully and steadily, moving his device out into the vast expanse of green grass to the place where the book had told him to put it. Edward watched them with a sense of foreboding and joy. He stood up shakily. He looked back to the sky, noting just how much closer the two astral bodies had come while he was distracted. He began to sweat under his riding cloak. He wasn't sure how long he stood there, listening to the conversations around him, yelled orders, the crescendo of sound building and building, but minutes seemed like seconds to him as fate spiralled away beyond his control. Things were coming to a climax and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

"Edward!" Eugene's voice broke him from his reverie, "God damn it, where did you go!"
"I told you to keep up," Ed said distantly as he watched Eugene stumble towards him, out of breath, leaning over for a moment with his hands on his knees, "I'm busy."
"And I told you it was important!" Eugene said back sternly, eyes narrowed, "you've become such a heatless bastard recently Edward that I don't know why I keep coming back, but I guess that's my own fault more than yours."
"I suppose you're right," Edward said, voice almost complete blank of emotion.
"For god's sake Edward!" Eugene barked, "Show a little emotion, don't you care about anything anymore?"

Yes, Edward thought desperately, yes!

"Stupid me," Eugene said sarcastically, "I didn't want to disturb you when I knew you'd be busy so I came to find you before you left but you were already rushing out of the castle by then. Capell is here to see you, but now I have to drag him out here, while he's trying not to be seen because he doesn't want any questions right now, just to talk to you!"
"What?" Edward started badly, thoughts thrown completely to the wind, "Capell is here?"
"What did I just say to you?" Eugene said angrily, "I told him I'd find you but he followed me out here anyway. God knows where he's wandered off to now..."

Edward didn't stop to hear any more of Eugene's ranting speech. A terrible, swelling fear had forced its way into his stomach and it spread to his legs, making them run, to his ears, allowing his to ignore Eugene's angry shouts. Something was calling him, he heard it, he had to get to the device, it was almost time now, all the voices around him were murmuring excitedly, all the scientists ignoring him as he ran and ran, all the voices in his head yelling so loudly that he could barely discern them anymore. Edward's lungs burned for need of air, his legs for need of rest. He felt weak and terrified and exhilarated.

"There you are, where have you been?" Kiriya admonished as Edward ran up to his group, including the Headmaster Ed noted absently, "First you demand that we bring it out immediately and then you disappear for nearly an hour! It's almost time you know..."
"I know," Edward interrupted through ragged panting breaths, "have you...have you seen Capell?"
"Capell?" Kiriya frowned, stopping his incessant note taking to stare at Edward as if he were mad, "What on earth would Capell be doing here?"
"I don't...he's," Edward tried to stop stumbling over his words but the terrible fear was taking over his body and he could hardly speak through it, "he's here..."
"I don't have time for this," Kiriya huffed, "your device is ready as far as I can tell, all to your specifications, you know Ed you never even old me what this was for and..."
"Ed!"

Edward felt his vision blur as he heard his name called by that perfect voice. He turned, stumbling, as Capell ran towards him, like fate turning on the wheels of time, waving his hand above his head. Edward felt the world tilt from side to side, the chattering of the scientists falling from its crescendo to an awful silence as the world began to dim. Capell barrelled into him, those wonderful, real arms encircling him completely in a tight hug. So different from the Thing that wore his face, Edward thought with a dreadful finality, just like his dreams, just like he'd always wanted. Safe and warm. He felt his arms come up to hug him back, tears streaming down his face.

'It's not real' screamed the voice in his head.

Edward couldn't listen, he thought desperately as the shadow of the eclipse began to descend over the plane, as the crystal in his device began to glow, as Capell began to speak, but he couldn't hear a word.

'You know what's going to happen!' the voice sounded so sincere, and he was so afraid, 'It's a trick!'

Edward shut his eyes, he didn't want to know, he just wanted everything to be real and Capell's warm embrace to be all around him forever. Without this he had nothing, with it he had everything. He clutched Capell closer and tried to stop the voice from screaming.

'It's not you, it's not you!' it said over and over and over again until Edward couldn't stop the realisation as it hit him.

"You can see it?" Capell hissed, his voice strained.
...a large blister red circle spanning from his shoulder blades to the small of his back...licking flames. In the middle...a glyph.
"Edward," Sigmund's regal voice answered, typically devoid of comfort, "I thought I told you to look after Capell."
You know who I am, King. You've only forgotten.
'Allow the sun enter thee and become one, loyal servant'
There were small praying figures depicted in the path of the beam... A "vessel" was needed apparently
Shouldn't he be terrified at the prospect of losing himself?...Shouldn't he?...something felt wrong. What could it be?
In the middle...a glyph!
Capell's scar.
"My wonderful vessel, he will serve his purpose and he will make you obedient"
It needs a vessel, a Vessel, a VESSEL...
...and it's not you.

Capell was between Edward and the Device.

The beam would hit him first.

Capell was the vessel.

Decide.

AN: Sorry but I couldn't help but finish this on a cliff-hanger. It can go either way from here and it may be a little while until the final chapters as I have an essay due for Wednesday (boo) and I need to start getting it together. I apologise in advance and promise to do my very best! Thanks again for reviewing as it has driven me to write faster than ever before :D hopefully I can keep it up :S ! I will reply to your reviews as soon as possible, promise!

Ps: The title is take from John Donne's 'Holy Sonnet 14'. I love it so much and it is very appropriate to this story so I'm going to put it here at the end in case you feel like reading it! John Donne is amazing *sigh*.

John Donne

HOLY SONNETS.

XIV.

Batter my heart, three-person'd God ; for you
As yet but knock ; breathe, shine, and seek to mend ;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but O, to no end.
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy ;
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.