A big thank you to my wonderful beta, Ztofan :D
It was too busy at the airport. There were families pushing to and fro, dragging their overexcited children, mingled with bored, irritated looking businessmen who tapped away on their phones as they zigzagged through the crowded corridors. The coffee she had purchased was already lukewarm despite its styrofoam cup; she sipped it anyway, feeling the need to occupy her hands or else they might begin to shake.
Because she was a coward.
Earlier that morning, she'd slipped into the bathroom to call a cab; waiting until he was in a deep sleep (she knew he was when his breathing became ragged and he turned to lie on his stomach. He did the same thing every night).
It had only taken a few minutes to gather her belongings, thankful that she had little to begin with. In the darkness it was a little tricky, so she had opened the Venetian blinds to let in a little of the moonlight. Part way, she paused. The blanket had slipped down his back and hugged his hips. His hands were hidden under the pillow as his chest softly rose and fell. A sudden surge of pain hit her gut. She didn't want this - didn't want to leave him. A desire to slide onto the bed and wrap her arms around him overwhelmed her for a moment.
But she didn't because, deep down, she knew she had made the right decision that evening when lying beside him, lost in insomnia, watching the minutes tick by on the bedside clock.
In his defense, Killian hadn't seemed phased by the confrontation with Neal. In fact, once inside the apartment he had pulled her to him and hugged her tight against his body. He had smelled vaguely of sweat and laundry detergent. It was oddly comforting. It had been so long since someone had held her like that with no expectation of something more. She'd surprised herself when she hadn't cried. She had wanted to.
And it wasn't because she was upset - not really, anyway. Seeing Neal again had shaken her, she couldn't deny that. But she wasn't worried for herself. Instead she was worried about Killian. Did he realize all the baggage she carried? Not just the ex who turned up at his door unexpectedly, but the years of pain and upset that she had endured, and - God - it wasn't fair to inflict that on anyone else, was it? She was a time bomb waiting to explode and what had happened that night was the first tick.
Watching him punch Neal had been almost like she had received her own fist to the gut. Killian shouldn't have to do that, she didn't want him to have to. It was almost as if time was in rewind, and all the nice, tender moments they had shared in the past month or so were now somehow tainted because she had put him in that position. Then it had dawned on her, as she had shut the door and let him take her in his arms, that she would never be truly free of her youth.
He didn't deserve this, she had decided as she had lain awake that night. Oh, she wanted to stay. Oh God, she wanted to. The thought that she wouldn't hear his voice again or feel his fingers running over her skin was almost too much to bear-
But it didn't stop her from slipping out of the apartment and pressing the button for the elevator. Because she didn't deserve him and he didn't deserve to be on the receiving end of the mess she had made of her life.
The journey to Newark had taken nearly an hour. She'd silently thanked herself for having enough dollars in her purse as she paid the cabbie and pulled her roll-on towards the check in desks. She looked at the flat screens displaying the departures. At first, she was blinded by the numbers and letters as they flashed in front of her in large yellow letters.
Where to go?
Really, she could go anywhere. It wasn't like she had a reason to pick a particular destination. But then 'Seattle' had flashed up - there was a flight in two hours. Suddenly, she wanted to see Ruby. She wanted a coffee at their usual spot. She wanted to walk along the harbor and take in the Pacific air (it seemed sweeter, somehow, than the Atlantic). Locating the Delta desk and pulling out her one remaining credit card - the one for emergencies - she bought a ticket.
/
"Hello?"
It was only when the groggy voice answered the phone that she kicked herself, of course it was still four a.m. on the West coast.
"Ruby?" she whispered.
"Emma?"
"Hey," she sighed, lying back against the wall in the one quiet spot of the terminal she had been able to find. "How are you?"
"Tired," her friend grumbled, "Why are you calling me when it's still dark out?"
Emma paused and took a deep breath, "I need a ride."
Ruby let out a small laugh, "Wrong coast babe, get that hot guy of yours to help you out. Hey - are you drunk?"
The playful tone in her voice made Emma's stomach clench. She paused a second.
"Wait - why are you calling me?"
"I'm coming home. This morning."
On the other end of the line she heard her friend take in a deep mouthful of air. "What happened?"
"Nothing," she lied, watching the screen as her gate finally appeared. "Look, my flight is boarding. Can you pick me up? I'll be there in six hours."
"Emma - what has happened?"
She ignored the question. "Can you?"
"You know I'll be there. But I expect some explanation. What's your flight number?"
She reeled off the combination of letters and numbers before pressing the end call button.
/
The seats were small and the cabin felt claustrophobic; between the dry, recycled air and endless drone of the engines Emma felt tense and on edge. When they finally landed she made a dash for the exit, feeling her irritation grow as the people ahead of her seemed to move in slow motion as they gathered their belongings.
Finally she was at the sliding glass doors that led into the arrivals hall. She pulled her bag behind her, clutching her purse to her shoulder, her legs shaking a little as she realized that she had actually done it.
She'd ran away from him. From them. Biting her lip, she searched the small crowd.
Emma spotted Ruby and tried to give her a smile. But raising the edges of her lips seemed too difficult a task and instead her chin trembled and her brows pressed together.
"Hey," Ruby whispered as she pulled her into her arms. When she felt the other woman's embrace - that's when the first tears fell.
They didn't stop until they had been in the car for ten minutes. Emma had quietly sobbed onto her shoulder in the arrivals hall until Ruby had taken out a Kleenex and led her, blurry eyed, to the parking lot. They hadn't spoken at first, waiting until Emma's soft sobs lessened and the flow of tears stopped.
Ruby had looked at her and given her a wink, before pulling the car into a drive through Coffee Cabana and ordering two large skinny lattes - Emma's favorite. They drove a little further, towards a small park that overlooked the ocean. There, Ruby parked and the two sipped on their drinks.
"So," Ruby sighed.
Sniffing, Emma let out a small, sad laugh, "Yeah…"
They stared a few more minutes at the grey water ahead; the sky was the same color and in the distance the two merged almost seamlessly.
"What happened?"
Shifting in her seat, Emma popped the lid from her cup and stirred in an extra sugar - buying herself an extra few seconds to think.
"It wasn't going to work."
Ruby met her eyes in the rear view mirror, "So that's why you have been crying for almost the past hour?"
The words sounded a little harsh. Ruby was never one to beat around the bush.
I…" Emma began lamely, pressing one heel of her boots against the toe of the other, squirming like a child who had been caught telling a lie. "I'm no good for him, Ruby." She took another sip, "I tried, but I'm bad news and he doesn't deserve-"
"I take it he had no say in this decision?"
Emma met her eyes again and blushed a little. "No. I just left."
"Emma…" Ruby sighed once more, shaking her head. "Look, I know we aren't that close-"
The blonde's hand slipped over the center console and touched her friend's knee, "You're the closest friend I have, Ruby."
Ruby gave her a smile and placed her hand over Emma's. "Look, I don't have the right to tell you what to do, but can you at least tell me why? You had seemed so happy and excited…" Her fingers tightened, "And I care about you - you know?"
"Thank you," Emma replied, "For caring, I mean. I don't have too many people who do that."
She shifted in her seat so the two women could sit face to face, "I was happy and excited. He's great. Killian's-" she sighed deeply, "He's a great guy. Not perfect, but that's what I like about him."
"So why are you sitting in my car drinking cold coffee instead of thousands of miles away, with him?"
"I ran into someone from my past - what are the chances, huh?" She shrugged softly and drained the rest of her latte, "And it all got messy and I realized that I'm bad news. I've made such a fuck up of my life so far, I'll never be able to escape it and no one deserves to get caught up in my mistakes."
"Emma…"
"No, don't. I tried Ruby, I really did. But I don't want to hurt him."
"Won't he be hurt when he realizes you have gone? I mean, did you leave him a note or something?"
"No. No note. And I'm going to change my number today. It's better this way, you know? He can forget about me. Eventually."
"And you're just going to forget about him?" Ruby asked with raised brows.
Emma turned and looked out the window. The ocean was becoming unsettled and whipping up into white swells that indicated an incoming storm. "Yeah. Eventually."
/
An hour later, she was settled in their apartment. The sofa wasn't the most luxurious of beds but she'd slept on much worse.
"You can stay as long as you like, Em. Victor won't mind," Ruby called from the kitchen. Emma rifled through her bag as her friend returned with two glasses of lemonade and a bowl of potato chips. "I figured a little comfort food would help."
"Thanks," Emma replied, taking a potato chip and crunching it between her teeth. Her other hand finally grabbed her phone. After wiping her fingers on her sweater, she pried off the back and pulled out the sim card.
"What are you doing?"
"I don't wanna turn it on. I'm gonna throw this away and get a new one."
"Don't you wanna talk to him at least once?"
The lemonade was cool and caught in her throat when she took a drink. She choked a little, her eyes lightly watering as she lied, "No. I don't."
Ruby gave her a wary look and she knew her friend did not believe her. Ignoring her, Emma pulled a clean t-shirt from her bag and quickly changed, not worried about covering her body - it wasn't like a thousand people hadn't seen her half naked (or worse) before. "What's your plan then?"
"I'm gonna see if I can get one or two of my jobs back. Save up some money for a deposit on a place - I promise I'll be out of your hair really quickly-"
Waving her hand dismissively, Ruby interrupted, "Take your time. No rush."
"Well, there is no time like the present. That flight just about cleaned me out. Can I borrow your car this afternoon?"
"Of course-"
Standing, Ruby walked over to the table where she had left her keys, "Here. Do you need money or-"
"No," Emma shook her head, wrapping her fingers around the keys, "I'll be a couple of hours?"
"Sure," Ruby nodded giving her small smile, "I'll be home. Just ring the buzzer."
/
Emma had made it into the car before the tears had begun again. God, she had never taken herself for that kind of girl, but for some reason today she couldn't stop crying. A misery had settled over her, like a small, dark cloud.
She had done the right thing. She had. Yes.
Repeating these words over in her head, she had driven out of the parking lot, sniffing back fresh waves of sadness whilst simultaneously chastising herself for her foolishness.
It was never going to work. She had known that, from the first spark - the first moment - that had passed between the two. But she had been selfish and naive, so if she was hurting it was her fault. She deserved it.
Emma Swan was not worthy of being happy. Life had told her that time and time again.
So what now? A job, money, an apartment. Start to try and save (again). Maybe she could move down the coast - a little warm weather sounded nice. Or even farther south. She could move to California maybe, somewhere with less rain and little chance of a harsh winter.
Gripping the steering wheel, she managed to halt the tears, replacing them with a single minded determination. She would get over his. She would move on. Alone.
She'd get over him. Eventually.
With a sigh, she pulled off the highway at exit 35. The sky was already dimming - darkness nipping in early because of the stormy weather. Parking, she grabbed her purse and slammed the car door. Looking up, she sighed at the sight of the all too familiar sign.
If she needed money quickly, this was the only way to do it. Tossing her hair over her shoulder, she took quick strides and walked into the The Velvet Rope.
/
"Roxy!"
The place hadn't really opened yet for the night. Over by the bar, Al was sat knocking back his usual rum and Coke as the bar staff began to set up.
"Hey Al," Emma sighed, "How you doing?"
"How am I doing? Where the hell have you been? I've had at least two dozen customers asking for you the past month."
"Sorry," she shrugged, taking the seat next to him. "I had things to deal with."
Al was at least fifty, but dressed like he was more than a decade younger, in too tight jeans and colorful shirts that he tucked into his ornately buckled belt. On his head he wore a chocolate brown toupee which he never quite managed to make sit right. He was okay, as far as bosses went. At least he never tried to grope her.
"Drink?" he asked and she nodded. The bartender poured another measure of rum topped up with Coke. Emma took it and settled her bag on the bar. "So I take it you're not here for a social visit."
"Sadly no. I need my job back."
Al licked his lips and softly clucked his tongue, "I don't know Rox, I need reliable staff. We are the premiere men's club in the area-"
"Please," she asked, feeling her heart sink as she realized what she was doing. "I'm in a pinch."
Looking her up and down, Al shifted a bit closer, "I tell you what, come in tomorrow, you can have a trial, things work out and you can have your job back."
"Thanks Al," she smiled, feeling an odd kind of relief.
Al continued to talk at her, she nodded and smiled in the right places. She looked around the room as she did so - the velvet lined booths, the small, glittering black stage and the glossy wooden floor. She thought she had left this all behind. God, she'd actually imagined she could be someone else - not the girl who takes off her clothes for money. But it was easy money and she was desperate, so she finished her drink and promised to be there the next night.
/
She'd made it back to Ruby's just before Victor. Inside, she had hidden the Lila's Lingerie bag in her suitcase, hoping Ruby wouldn't find it. She knew she would get a lecture if she found out she had gone back to Al to ask for her job.
Dropping the keys on the table where they had been before, she noticed that the little sim card she had left on the coffee table was missing. Ruby must have put it in the trash, she thought briefly.
"Honey, I'm home!"
Emma turned and saw the smiling, but confused face of Victor.
"Why, babe, you've changed an awful lot!"
Emma started to laugh. Ruby appeared from her bedroom, running a brush through her hair.
"Guess who's coming to stay for a little while?"
"Emma - wait, I thought you had moved out of state-"
To her left, she saw her friend shaking her head vigorously. Victor nodded his head slightly, before stepping forward and wrapping Emma in a hug. "Sharing a house with two beautiful women, how did I get so lucky?"
She let him hug her for a moment. It felt nice.
/
That night she was so cold. Three blankets weren't enough. She missed Killian's body heat - his arm around her waist and breath on the back of her neck.
She missed him.