Lord Hokage's funeral was nothing short of grim. Funerals were always a solemn event, yes, but the funeral of the strongest shinobi in the village – the man that they all relied on to protect and lead them – was almost surreally so. There had been too many deaths in the past week for everyone to receive individual obsequies, so it almost felt as if the ceremony was one for the dozens of lives lost in the Konoha Crush.

Kana was wearing the only dress she owned, a knee-length one with cap sleeves, and kept her hair down so it fell down her shoulders and back. She recalled the night of Itachi's departure, when he explained why exactly he ordered her friend to slaughter his clan. Despite vowing to be forever loyal to him and his leadership, to protect him and the village with her life, Kana had only felt an intense loathing for the man – not because he made Itachi do it, but because he made him do it alone knowing full well that he was damning him to a life of exile.

In a way, it felt as if he attempted to make it up to her throughout the years with little pieces of information about Itachi's whereabouts and status. She never cared. The few times he visited his brother, Itachi would come to Kana's room through the window; they never spoke much, but it was enough to assure her that he was okay. She didn't need Lord Hokage's fucking status reports.

Though, the last time she saw him was three years ago.

The thought made her heart sink.

Kana looked up from the image of the Hokage over to where the tokubetsu jonin were standing, directly across from where the Anbu had been placed, and felt her heart sink even further at their expressions.

Raido had an arm wrapped around Genma's waist to help him stand, who looked as if his world had just completely fallen apart in front of him. He had been the one closest to Hayate, to the point where other shinobi told whispered stories of how they were secret lovers. Raido, who was the one in charge of guarding Lord Hokage the day of the Chunin Exams, was staring at the ground in disbelief looking as if he was completely enveloped in his own thoughts and totally unaware of his surroundings; Kana had no doubt that he was solely blaming himself for his failure as a bodyguard.

Even from her position nearly 20 meters away she could see that Genma wasn't in any better condition. Dark circles threatened to completely envelope his normally bright amber eyes, his lips were pressed together in a tight white line and it honestly looked as if he had aged ten years overnight.

A few feet away she saw Kotetsu comforting Yugao, who looked as if she was about to fall to pieces at any moment. Izumo just sobbed into his best friend's shoulder. Kana had never wanted to break formation so badly in her entire life.

"Tirahashi…" she whispered, "How did this happen? How could we not have known?"

"They didn't officially sneak into our ranks, they only wore the mask and cape." Tirahashi's voice was solemn but he didn't look away from the elders that stood before the photograph of Hiruzen Sarutobi. "We had too many people enter the village that day, the barrier forces were too overwhelmed to keep track of who had a passport and who didn't."

"But there were so many… Surely the wall lookouts must have seen so many shinobi in the fore-"

"I don't know, Kana, we weren't there. Instead of worrying about how other divisions failed, you should be focusing on how you couldn't even keep Koh alive for the ten minutes you two were apart?"

If there was a shade beyond black, Kana's hair would have managed to become it. The poison dripping from each word he hissed at her took her more than just by surprised – it was almost as if he had physically assaulted her. Tirahashi was always calm and collected, nearly emotionless at times. To hear that kind of anger coming from him was almost like stepping into an alternate dimension.

They were specifically trained to work best on their own, as opposed to working in a group. There was no way Kana could have known that Koh would be so easily overpowered by the group of Sand nin she had assigned him to, especially when he was so skilled in ninjutsu and kenjutsu. Kana knew that his death wasn't her fault, but in that moment it felt like it was.

His words haunted her through the rest of her day. After the funeral she took Raido to the hospital so Genma could go back to Anko's with the other jonin for a sort of wake.

As it turned out, the pain in her arm was due to her muscles not healing properly when Neji's kunai stabbed into them; the medical nin had to cut through the fibers and knit them back together, but Kana didn't even remember the pain she knew must have come from it. The cut in her leg also needed to be stitched up, so they ended up turning the session into a full blown physical. "Just to get it out of the way," he told her with one of the most exhausted-looking smiles Kana had ever seen in her life.

She answered his questions robotically, mostly strings of "Yes" and "No." The doctor told her that her body was experiencing signs of stress and malnutrition, to which Raido laughed darkly at from his seat in the corner. Kana only rolled her eyes – stress? No shit. Still, the malnutrition was probably something she could keep an eye on unless she wanted Guy to basically hold her hostage at his apartment again; now wasn't the time to start compromising her health.

When the doctor left the room so she could change out of the thin cloth gown and into her dress, Raido signaled for her to come over to where he was sitting; Kana raised a curious eyebrow but complied, trying to shimmy into her dress as she walked over to him.

"I've been wanting to ask, where did you get that scar?" he inquired as he reached up to lightly touch her flank with the back of his hand. Kana hid her blush by yanking her dress over her head, somewhat surprised by the gesture; Raido was always somewhat affectionate when they were alone, but it never ceased to make her pleasantly nervous.

"Training. I think I was eleven when it happened."

Raido's eyes widened, still locked on the large scar as he stroked the marred skin with his thumb, "How does something like that happen during training?"

She shrugged and slipped a hand under his armpit to help him up out of the seat. "We used to simulate lethal battle back then during some training sessions. I tried to dodge Kakashi's chidori and Shisui at the same time, and practically stepped right on top of Itachi's sword when Hayate came at me with some wind-style kenjutsu."

"Kana? Kana!"

Her eyes fluttered open to see three jonin standing over her with identical expressions of panic; a fiery pain raced through her midsection when Kana made an attempt to move and she looked down to see her flak jacket red and sodden.

"Guess I lost," she breathed, realizing that she was going to be in a whole lot of trouble if Kana didn't get her ass to the hospital soon. She heard Shisui say something similar but his voice was muffled by the sound of Kana's heartbeat racing in her ears.

More pain ripped through her body when Kakashi lifted her up from the ground, looking pale but composed – her head fell back and Kana could see Itachi's horrified eyes glued to her as if she would disappear if he blinked. She noted his Sharingan had deactivated.

"…Fault, Hayate…"

"But…Blood…"

Kana's eyes flitted to where she had been laying as her bouncing vision faded. Shisui had her arm around Hayate's shoulders, who was just staring at something on the ground where she had been laying.

"Those fuckers literally cut a chunk out of me," she said with a sad smile, "It was just lying on the ground like a forgotten piece of meat. Kakashi wasn't able to look at me for weeks, and Itachi looked as if he had killed me right then and there. Poor guys."

Raido chuckled as they made their way out of the office and down the hall, his mood obviously beginning to lift, "You're the one that gets sliced open, and they get the pity? But I didn't know you knew Hayate then."

"Honestly, I didn't. I only knew him through Yugao, who was never more than just an acquaintance for me since I met her through Kakashi and Itachi. I didn't get to know him until after I started hanging out with you guys, though…" She paused as they exited the building, "I guess I never knew him then, either – I don't really know much about any of you... Well, besides you. Obviously."

She felt Raido's sigh as much as she heard it, the whoosh of breath causing a small vibrating sensation in his rib cage. "Can I ask you something personal?" he asked as they rounded a corner to get onto the street leading to Anko's house.

"Uh… I might not answer, but yeah..."

"That's fair enough, why did you start hanging out with us?"

Ugh. She knew something like that was going to come along one day, but Kana still felt her cheeks heat up at the question – it wasn't exactly something she was all too proud of. God knows that the way she behaved was embarrassing in its own right.

"I, uh, okay so promise you won't get offended?"

Raido gave her a curious look but agreed with a nod.

"Guy told me that he wanted me to make friends, and I was worried about, well… The why isn't important, but he wanted me to go and make friends because he thought I was going to go crazy or something. And you and Genma were the only people I recognized in the bar, since I saw you with Kotetsu and Izumo a few times. I figured if I was going to get Guy off of my back, I might as well start with faces I was sort of already familiar with..." She trailed off when she realized she was beginning to ramble.

The small, empty glass of whatever fruity drink she had been drinking set onto the countertop with a 'clink.' Kana spun the little wooden bowl of peanuts on the bar top listlessly, wondering how anyone could enjoy such a disgusting nut on its own like this. Shinobi chatted all around her, their noise levels just below a dull roar, and she briefly regretted coming here instead of just going straight home after turning in her mission report to Lord Hokage.

"You need to meet people, baby, the way you shut yourself away like this… It isn't healthy."

Ah, yeah, that's why she was here; Kana spun on the stool and let her eyes search the dimly lit crowd for any familiar faces. She specifically came to the jonin bar because she was knew more people in her rank – well, she knew their names – but the girl didn't recognize anyone until she saw two men tucked away in a corner booth together.

One was wearing a dark green beanie over brown hair that stopped at his chin and a sweater, while the other had a weal-like scar on the left side of his face and still wore his shinobi uniform. Kana furrowed her brow. Drinking in uniform? It wasn't necessarily against any rules, but it wasn't smiled upon. Still, they were the only two that she recognized so Kana ordered another vodka and strawberry lemonade before hopping off of her stool.

When she was halfway to their table Kana realized that she had absolutely no idea what she was going to do once she got there – she stopped and contemplated turning back, but that Shiranui guy had locked eyes with her and was giving her a mischievous, inviting smile. Judging by the collection of empty beer bottles those two had acquired since arriving, they would be too drunk to care about her lack of social skills or wouldn't remember tomorrow anyways.

"Hey there, lady," Shiranui greeted as she slid into the u-shaped booth, "I don't think I've ever actually seen you here before."

Shit, he wasn't drunk. Kana counted the bottles that littered the table; there were thirteen in total. How was he still sober? "I, uh, yeah I think I've only been here a few times." She didn't bother to mention that she only went out with Guy and Kakashi, who weren't big into drinking.

The man with the scar – she couldn't remember his name – gave her a curious look as he lifted yet another bottle to his thin lips. "You're Kotetsu's and Izumo's friend, right?"

Friend was a bit much, but… Sure. "I've been in charge of leading their team for a while. Don't you hang out with Yugao's boyfriend?"

"Hayate? Yeah he actually left to go meet with her a few minutes before you got here. Are you on her team or something?"

"Ah, uh, no. I used to train with Kakashi's teammates in the past. That's how I know her…" She trailed off and the conversation seemed to have slammed into a brick wall. Kana swirled her drink around before bringing it up to her mouth, trying to not scrunch her face at the burning sensation the vodka inflicted. This drink must have had more alcohol in it this time because the intensity of the burn caught her off guard and her throat snapped shut – Kana had to slap a hand over her mouth to avoid coughing all over the table.

Shiranui – shit, what was his name – raised an eyebrow at her and smirked. "You don't drink too often, do you?" he asked teasingly. When she shook her head, still choking a little, he chuckled. "I can tell. How old are you?"

"Fifteen."

It was the scarred man's turn to choke on his drink. "Fifteen?!" His look of shock turned to one of blatant amusement as he bumped his gaping friend's shoulder with a laugh, "Genma, you cradle-robbing son of a bitch."

His name was Genma! Genma Shiranui. 'Wait, 'cradle-robbing?' The fu-'

"Shut the hell up, dickhead, I didn't know," Genma grumbled, blushing furiously into his beer.

Kana rolled her eyes and slid out from the booth; she was so goddamn tired of people constantly losing their minds over her age. Yeah, she was 15 and a jonin in Anbu. She wasn't the first, she wasn't going to be the last.

A hand grabbed at her wrist that wasn't holding her drink, and it took every ounce of her self control to not allow her instincts to break his arm at the sudden contact. Kana did nearly give herself whiplash, though, when she looked back angrily at Genma, who was giving her an apologetic smile.

"No, stay, I'm sorry. Look, sit down and I'll teach you how to drink that without killing yourself."

Her first reaction was to yank her wrist out of the hold the man had on it, but her sensei's words rang in Kana's head. It didn't keep her from bristling when Genma's thumb rubbed the base of her forearm with his thumb, though he didn't seem to notice her discomfort and just continued to give her that stupid smile.

The scarred man slipped out of the booth long enough to come back with a pink and two amber shots, which he distributed properly among the three of them. In the back of her mind she remembered something about beer before liquor, but quickly focused her attention on Genma's demonstration.

"Okay so first thing's first, quit sipping that shit like it's a martini. Liquor like this is meant to be drank really fast, so when you drink it just kind of throw your head back and let it all run down your throat. Raido, if you would?"

'Raido. Got it.' The man with the weal-like scar lifted his shot glass and did exactly as Genma described, tossing his head back with his mouth open. Still, he scrunched up his face and made a small hissing sound before giving her a slight grin. "To be fair, you don't really ever get past the burn," he said to her.

Kana looked down at her own drink and tried to ignore the fact that both men were staring at her in anticipation as she brought the short glass to her mouth. With a deep breath she pressed the rim of the glass to her bottom lip for stability and threw her head back; Kana had to concentrate on keeping her throat relaxed as the cold liquid splashed against the back of her tongue, but found it relatively easy to let it glide down her throat. She was thankful she had picked a drink with fruity syrup, because the burn was gentle and muted – it made her chest and stomach feel warm.

Both men gave her a small round of applause when she set the glass onto the table.

"And that, lady, is how you drink liquor," Genma said in an amused tone, clapping her on the back. She tensed.

The man laughed against her and shook his head as they turned onto another street. "Kana, why would I get mad at you over that? Your first impression of us was us freaking out over your age, and then promptly teaching you how to get drunk – that actually explains why you didn't kick both of our asses, if anything. But…" Raido looked down at her with a curious look. "Every time Genma touched you, you looked like you were going to jump out of your skin. Why did you have sex with us?"

Kana came to a screeching halt outside of Anko's house, causing the man to nearly topple over and cling to her shoulders with both hands. She ignored his grunt of discomfort and stared up at him with a deadpan expression. "What."

"What do you mean 'What'? You…" His eyes widened and an expression of both amusement and legitimate concern filled his gaze. "You really don't remember?"

She stared.

"Kitten… We went back to Gen's after a few drinks, and… Oh fuck you really don't… You didn't look that drunk, and you were gone before we woke up…"

She vaguely remembered being in Genma's apartment, in his bedroom with the lights off, but she had to wrack her brain for more than just flashes of the memory. "I don't remember much," she muttered, "But…"

The more he explained what had happened, the more Kana remembered.

"Oh my god," she groaned.

She recalled Raido holding her waist from behind, face buried into the side of her head with the soft sounds of his grunts dancing over her ear.

"Hey, look at me-"

Kana remembered the faint scent of sweat and sex mitigated by the smell of alcohol on their breaths.

"Oh my god."

The image of Genma's chest flashed across her mind, as well as the sight of his face turned down at hers as he leaned down to press his lips against hers between small moans and words of encouragement.

Kana's gut twisted, and her expression must have been bad because when she looked back up at her friend, the amusement had completely abandoned his face and had been replaced with horror. "Was that… Were we your…?"

She made a small noise that resembled a whimper and a groan and Raido looked as if he was going to throw up, keel over or both – Kana didn't blame him, she felt as if she was going to curl up and die right then and there. For so long she thought that those visions had been nothing but the remainder of a feverish dream...

The sound of the door opening next to them caused the pair to snap their necks around to see Genma walking onto the deck of Anko's house. Kana whimper-groaned again and wrapped her arms around her thin frame, watching Raido sit down on the wooden steps and bury his head in his hands with a muffled, "Holy shit."

"Are you two okay…?" Genma asked cautiously, clearly thrown off by their behavior; he reached out to Kana and flinched at how quickly she jumped away from his touch. His expression went from confused to blatantly anxiousness when Raido began apologizing from behind his palms. "What's wrong? Did something happen at the hos-"

"We were her first, man."

"What?"

Raido pulled his face out from behind his hands, letting one drop while the other supported his chin, and Kana wasn't sure if the amount of guilt on his face hurt her feelings or not. Not like she was able to talk, considering her expression wasn't any better. "Remember the day we met Kana, at the jonin bar?" he asked, staring at the ground.

"Well, yeah, but-" He took the senbon out of his mouth as his eyes widened, turning back to Kana in a look of disbelief. "No way, Kana was that really the first time you…?"

She heard Genma sigh when she insisted on just staring at his hands in silence, watching him gingerly place the razor-sharp needle in his pants pocket.

After a few moments of silence he reached up and scratched at the back of his head. "Is it really that bad?"

"What the hell are you talking about, Genma?" Raido asked incredulously as he finally picked himself up from the steps, "She was fifteen, had just learned how to drink liquor from us right before we got her completely shit-faced, and took advantage of her by fucking her in your bedroom. How is it not that bad?"

Genma winced at the harshness of his tone but his voice didn't waver when he spoke, "When you put it like that, yeah, we sound like a pair of monsters… And, yeah, I feel bad that we weren't all that gentle, but…" He looked back to Kana with warm, concerned eyes, "Do you regret it?"

Did she regret it? Sure, she had been completely taken by surprise by the revelation and felt embarrassed that her first impression was something so… Unprofessional, but as the shock wore off Kana realized that her heart was racing because she was afraid that the two would think differently of her. She understood that this was ridiculous, because this was only news to her, so she bit her lip and shook her head gently.

"No, I just… I had forgotten… But no, I don't think I regret it."

Relief washed over both of the men's faces almost instantaneously, and Genma's gaze visibly softened as he took a step towards her; Kana knew what he was going to ask so she reached out and wrapped her arms around his torso in a hug. She felt and heard the man chuckle with his cheek pressed against her hair. "You know, this kind of explains a lot," he said in an amused tone, "Namely the blood and the fact that you had no idea what you were doing."

"Blood?"

"Oh yeah there was so much blood on us and the bed and the floor that it scared the hell out of both of us."

Raido's groan drowned out Genma's gentle laugh. "I feel like a fucking murderer," he said, "Why didn't you tell us we were hurting you? Is that why you left so early?" he released a shaky sigh and rubbed at the scarred side of his face as that horrified look began to creep back into his eyes, "We thought you just didn't want to talk about it, so we let it go out of respect..."

Kana really, really, did not want to have this conversation but the worry in her friend's voice told her that if she didn't answer his questions, it was going to eat away at him until she did; she sighed and shook her head with her cheek pressed against Genma's chest for comfort. "I honestly don't remember," she assured him, "I have a really high pain tolerance, so I vaguely remember it hurting a little, but I thought it was normal… Because in the Icha Icha books-"

Genma's laugh cut her off as he pulled her back by her shoulders. "Lady, I read like three chapters of Icha Icha and it is not what we'd call an accurate representation of sex."

She glared at him and jerked out of his grip, trying to keep her voice steady and confident against the embarrassment that threatened to make her heart explode, "I know that. You already know Rai and I-"

"Uh, Kana…" Raido cut in, "I never actually told him about that."

Warm brown eyes widened in time with his mouth; Genma nearly dropped his senbon to the ground as he gaped, "Hold up, you and Raido-"

"Yes, Gen, every now and then we'd meet up and relieve that post-mission stress. Just like what you and Anko used to do before she got with Ibiki," Raido said dryly. Kana bit her lip at his tone, wondering why he was acting as if Genma was supposed to take this in stride when they made it a point to keep their midnight rendezvous secret. Having to hear it like this must have really hurt his feelings, considering how close the two were.

Raido pulled her against his chest for a tender hug, probably to avoid smashing his injuries and having to go to the hospital again. "Still… I am really sorry, Kana. If we had known, we wouldn't have-"

"Look just don't worry about it," she mumbled, finger tugging at his black sleeve, "You're making it out to be worse than it is. Again, I don't exactly remember the experience itself so it must not have actually hurt – I mean I think I would remember if it was some horrible experience... I'm sorry for scaring you and all but seriously it wasn't that bad." Kana heard the agitation growing in her voice and took a deep breath to calm herself down before continuing. "It all turned out fine in the end. Quit being weird."

Though this explained why Raido made it such a point to treat her as if she was made of crystal when they were together alone for the first time. Izumo was going to get a kick out of this.

The arms around her tightened minutely and Kana could see Genma grinning smugly at her. "How did we even get on this topic?" she laughed, pleasantly embarrassed, pulling away and smoothing out her hair.

Both Genma and Raido laughed with her, though Raido's laughter was cut short when he remembered what had spurred the conversation to begin with.

"We were talking about how you didn't know Hayate…"

Any mirth that remained in the air had completely dissipated, replaced by the heavy reminder of why exactly they were standing outside of Anko's home; Kana looked at the door anxiously and suddenly felt like the biggest jackass on the planet for getting both of them riled up over something so silly. "Is it bad..?" she asked quietly, afraid to look up at the pained expression she knew Genma's face carried.

"Yeah… No one's really talking, they're just sitting around Anko's living room staring at everything but each other," Genma replied in a solemn voice, "A few people have already left and I don't blame them. Honestly I don't think I can handle going back in there. The air… It's suffocating."

Kana nodded in understanding before making her way up the steps. "I understand. I'm just going to see Kotetsu and Izumo and will be right out."

"I'll stay out here," she heard Raido say as she stepped through the door.

Genma wasn't joking, the atmosphere of Anko's house was such a complete 180 from what she was used to that, for a moment, Kana was worried she had stepped into a genjutsu trap of some sort. There was a small murmur of voices coming from where she knew the living room was so Kana toed off her flats, one of the only pairs of shoes she owned other than her ninja wear, and slowly made her way through the rather large house, choosing to ignore how cold the wood flooring felt against the soles of her bare feet.

There was a large group of both jonin and chunin scattered about the living room, some quiet and some speaking softly amongst themselves. Kakashi was standing in a corner with his arms wrapped around Iruka, who looked to be trembling slightly. They and a few others looked up to see her walk into the room, but no one said a word to Kana as she quietly padded over to the nearest sofa where Kotestu and Izumo sat with Yugao. She reached out slowly to Kotetsu, touching his shoulder gingerly before leaning over the back of the couch so that her mouth hovered just next to his ear.

"Are you two okay?" Kana breathed, almost too afraid to speak too loudly in the oppressively silent room. When he nodded, she lifted her other arm up so her hand could rest on the nape of Izumo's neck. "I'm not staying long, but I'll be crashing with Rai at Genma's place for a while. Just… I figured it would be good for you to…"

Kotetsu turned his head to give her a sad smile, his free hand reaching up to squeeze the hand on his shoulder gently. "Thanks. I'm… Sorry about last week," he said just as quietly.

The hand on his shoulder squeezed back before Kana pulled away with a shrug, "Don't worry about it." Green eyes scanned the room for a few seconds before she realized that Guy was sitting by himself on the deck just outside of the sliding glass door.

To anyone that didn't know him well, this would probably look strange and worrying; the truth was that Guy typically dealt with situations like this on his own, despite being a sociable man.

He didn't look up from his dangling feet when Kana stepped out onto the deck, sliding the door shut behind her with a 'click.' Sitting down next to him on the deck, Kana leaned against his heavily muscled arm and stared out at the small rock garden, eye following the intricate patterns she knew Ibiki had made. "I love you, dad," she said softly. Guy tensed for the briefest of moments beneath her before shifting his body so that he could wrap his arm around her small frame, holding Kana in a tight one-armed embrace against his body.

"You know… I'm not actually old enough to be your father," she heard him say, a lightness to the deep voice that rumbled through his chest that told Kana he was alright.

She smiled and wiggled along the deck so that their sides were completely pressed together, a lock of hair falling across her cheek as Kana rest her head on the broad expanse of his chest. "Yeah, but… Still, you've been more of a parent to me than anyone else has."

A sigh escaped Guy and Kana could hear the air whoosh from his lungs like a small hurricane, her head falling with his chest. She fought the urge to crawl into his lap when Guy pressed a small kiss on the top of her head and heard him say, "I love you, too, baby."

The girl didn't realize until then how much she truly missed this – she missed the tenderness and warmth that came with being around Guy. She missed curling up with him on the bed in his tiny studio apartment to watch stupid tv shows, eating whatever he or Kana had decided to make for dinner that day. It seemed that they were both so requested by the Hokage that it was impossible for them to just relax together like they used to.

"How are the others doing?"Guy's question pulled her out of her musings, reminding her that the meter was still running with the two out front.

Kana sighed and closed her eyes to enjoy her old sensei's warmth. "Genma, he… He invited me to stay with him and Raido at his place since our apartment building got condemned. I said no at first, since I was just gonna stay in the Anbu barracks, but…" She remembered the darkness in his face, even when he smiled at her, "I think he's afraid to be alone right now. Raido's so buried in his own guilt from Lord Hokage's death, and his grief from Hayate's, that… I think he needs someone that's doing okay. Someone to support him."

He pulled away just far enough so that he could look down at her with a raised eyebrow. "Are you okay?" Guy asked, his dark eyes searching her face as he looked at her for the first time since she arrived.

"Yeah," she assured him, "I don't understand what we did to invoke that kind of wrath from the Sand, and it's still… Unnerving to think that we were caught so off guard like that…" Kana furrowed her brow when she recalled Tirahashi's words from the funeral, "And I'm still a little jarred over the thought of my squad captain committing suicide over our teammate's death – like I get that they were lovers but…" She sighed again and pulled away to rub at her eyes before watching a sparrow land on one of the large boulders in the rock garden. "Then again, when I think about what I'd do if something happened to Neji… I don't think I'd be able to cope with that kind of loss, either."

That was a lie. Kana knew for a fact that she wouldn't be capable of handling Neji's death – she would rather die herself.

"But what about you? Are you going to be okay?" she asked, trying to remember if any of the names called at the funeral were people he was close with.

Guy gave her a gentle smile and clapped her back. "I'm just a little shaken up from what's happened, that's all."

Kana returned his smile and leaned up to kiss his cheek before pushing herself up from the deck. "I need to head out, then," she said as she wiped the fine layer of dirt off of the back of her tea dress, "Genma and Rai are waiting for me out front. I promised them I'd be in and out so we can go back to Gen's together."

"Before you go, Kana," Guy turned to her as his face turned serious, "I heard about what happened with the mark. Now – don't look at me like that – I know Kakashi already had a talk with you about it so I'm not going to waste my time with lecturing you. Please, Kana, just promise me that you will only ever use that mark if you absolutely have to – if it's your only option at the very moment of a life or death situation."

She placed a hand on his strong shoulder and gave it a brief and gentle squeeze. "Of course, sensei."

"And don't forget to eat. Don't think I haven't noticed how much weight you've lost over the last few weeks."

"I promise, dad."

Even though the initial plan had been for the trio to go back to Genma's apartment together, Kana had ended up deviating from the two so she could drop by the Hyuga branch manor to check on Neji. She was granted access to the estate due to being a part of the Shimi clan, but it turned out that one of their own had been killed in the attack so the clan was in the middle of a Hyuga-only funeral ceremony of their own.

Kana had dropped a short note on Neji's pillow before she made her way back into town; she had half-expected all of the shops to have been closed on the day of the Third's funeral procession, but there were a handful of places open for business. This included a small grocery shop so Kana ducked in for about half an hour to get a handful of staples and ingredients for chankonabe, if only because Guy's concerns still rang in her head.

She looked down at one of her arms and curled the bags of groceries she carried, watching the muscles in her forearm cord under the skin. Kana knew she had lost a few pounds since the incident in the forty-fourth training ground, whether it was due to stress or working too hard to pay attention to food she didn't know, but she didn't think it was enough to cause any concern until two people felt the need to point it out to her in one day. When she paid attention, though, Kana did notice that her dress hung looser than she remembered.

For a brief moment Kana wondered what kind of body she would have had if she didn't choose to become a shinobi. She imagined it would be softer and smooth, though her bone structure still wouldn't allow for much for curves anyways.

Even though it wasn't what a lot of people would call ideal, she genuinely appreciated her muscular physique – it stood as a testament to the hard work she put into her training as a shinobi. It wasn't until Tenten took her shopping that she even understood what it meant to dress for your body type, which reminded her how out of touch she was with her feminine side. She had started wearing her hair in a braid because Neji would always braid it for her when they were alone, saying something about how he thought it looked pretty, and Shisui mentioned how her legs looked nice in shorts once years ago, so she started wearing shorts more often…

'Huh, I guess I paid more attention to what others said about me than I thought,' she thought to herself as she kicked off her flats in the entryway to Genma's apartment. There were already two pairs of black sandals lying next to the normal blue ones, so Kana listened carefully to her surroundings; Raido's gentle snoring could be heard from the guest room, so the sound of the shower must have been Genma.

Given how long it took for the broth to be properly made, Kana dropped the grocery bags onto the kitchen table and immediately pulled out what she needed for dinner. Her mind wandered as she prepared their dinner, hands working on autopilot as they normally did when she cooked something as simple as a nabemono-style dish.

Lips twitched into a gentle, nostalgic smile when Kana realized she had cut the tofu into the shape of small rabbit heads; the only way she had been able to get Sasuke to eat tofu when he was younger was to cut it into various shapes, and it had turned into a habit she apparently still held onto.

When the broth was ready, she began placing the various ingredients into the pot when a thought occurred to her: Genma had been in the shower the entire time it took for the soup to be almost ready. Kana turned the heat to low and covered the pot to allow it to simmer to completion before turning on her heel and walking towards the bathroom, wiping the wet residue of the vegetables on her dress; she raised a loose fist to the door and knocked. "Genma?"

There was no answer. Kana focused, realizing that she could hear shallow breathing over the loud hiss of the shower. She turned the knob testingly, sighing her relief when it turned fully under her hand.

Anxiety slammed into her body, despite her efforts to push it away, and Kana realized that she had no idea what to do. Genma was curled – no, huddled – into a shuddering ball on the tile shower floor, his arms wrapped tightly around his body, and Kana could see the red bleeding marks along his rib cage where his nails had dug into his skin.

When Itachi left the village, she remembered feeling afraid for the first time in her life – she felt alone, worried and wondered about all of the different things she could have done differently. At the time she pushed everyone away except for Neji, who didn't understand what was happening at such a young age. Kana never cried or allowed herself to have a breakdown, but she would instead force herself out on as many missions and training sessions as she could until the pain began to turn into a comfortable numbness.

Despite her transition into an impassive machine, Kana distinctly remembered how comforting it felt to have those little arms wrapped around her when they slept together at night; she remembered how good it felt to know that Neji was there with her whenever she was home. She remembered the first time Kakashi ever broke down in front of her, and how her copying Neji calmed him down.

Kana pulled the shower door open and stepped into the stream, flinching slightly at the scorching heat of the water; she turned the faucet to a more bearable temperature before kneeling down. Genma still didn't look up at her, or even acknowledge the fact that she was present, until she reached a cautious hand out to a trembling shoulder.

He slowly lifted his head to look up at her and, for a fleeting moment, she almost wished he hadn't. The broken and anguished look that his tearful gaze held made Kana's stomach feel as if her heart was being torn out; his eyes were just as red and swollen as the light blisters that had begun to form on his arms and shoulders, and his lips were bleeding from where he had been gnawing at them.

His short, strained gasps turned into a louder sob when Kana pulled him to her chest. Shoulders heaved against her as his crying gained a raw intensity that twisted her stomach, Genma's pained voice echoing back at them off of the tile walls; she was dimly aware of the fact that Raido was going to be woken up by their friend.

Kana repositioned herself so that she was sitting on the shower floor instead of kneeling, spreading her knees so she could wrap herself around him as if she could somehow shield him from his emotions.

Genma's head buried itself into the curve of her shoulder, his forehead pressed against her racing pulse, and he brought one arm up to hook around her shoulders so that his hand held the base of Kana's neck in an almost painfully tight grip. One of her hands reached up to snake her fingers into his wet hair, holding his head to her, while her other arm wrapped firmly around his heaving body.

'I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help you. I-I'm so sorry…'

That was when Genma began to keen.