A/N: Meh. Sorry if Thorki weirds you out. I hinted it very briefly if you squint, but their relationship is never outright confirmed. Look for my next story coming out soon for more on that situation. Just a warning lol
Review please? :)
Post Infinity War starts... NOW.
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His fingers felt warm and fuzzy all at the same time. Like they were thawing out in the hot sun after having been plucked from a deep freezer. Little pin prick flashes of light popped about his closed eyes, dancing on the backs of his eyelids uncomfortably. Norns, his head was splitting in two.
"You know, drinking yourself into oblivion every night isn't exactly healthy." A voice from the other side of the room said in a snarky tone.
"Says the raging alcoholic." Loki drawled, pressing the palms of his hands into his closed eyes. The vague awareness that someone has just placed coffee on his bedside table dawned on him when the bittersweet smell hit his nostrils. He cracked open an eye just in time to see Valkyrie turning away to leave.
"Wait." said Loki, his hand whipping from beneath the duvet cover to clasp her wrist. She turned slowly, glowering at her temporary flat mate.
"What?" said Valkyrie, her tone sharp.
"Water?" Loki asked, his tone bordering pleading.
She nodded her head curtly, rolling her eyes as she left. He muttered a thank you after her, leaning up on his elbows to take in his surroundings. How many times had he blacked out here in this room?
The thick silver curtains clung to the window frames that overlooked the bustling streets of Brooklyn. They had moved twice since the Great Snap. Once when Banner went missing and then was subsequently reported dead. Then again when Captain America himself disappeared a month afterwards. They figured it was safer not to stay put for too long.
He sat up in bed, stretching out his long limbs. His knees had started to pop a little in the mornings; something Valkyrie took great pleasure in mocking him about.
"You are older than I am!" Loki would retort in a huff.
And then it happened, as it often did first thing upon waking. Panic attack. These things had not effected him so deeply since he was but a child. Circumstances changed things. With two avengers missing and the others in hiding, Loki was a little more than a mess with worry over Thor's whereabouts.
He gripped the sunny yellow sheets so tight his knuckles were turning white, counting to ten in his head. The worst of it was the stabbing chest pains and blinding gasps for air. The desperate heaviness that settled into his lungs like cement, causing a painful sort of strangled sob with every ragged breath in and out.
Valkyrie had no sooner returned with the water before Loki was on his knees in his room, willing himself to calm down. He could feel the horrible prickling sensation on the back of his neck that he always got before he had an episode.
Visions, dreams, flashbacks, call them what you will. Loki was a gifted mind reader, there was no doubt about that. But his panic attacks often forced him to relive some of his most painful moments, tapping into that part of his magic unconsciously and bringing flashes of trauma to the forefront of his mind. He clutched at his chest, forcing himself to stop dry heaving and concentrate.
"Just breathe, Loki. Just breathe." Valkyrie tried often to be soothing at times, going against her normally very calculated nature. He found it to be more off putting than comforting, but didn't quite have the heart to tell her.
He closed his eyes for the briefest moment, allowing some of the memories to flood his foggy mind. Like pieces to a complex puzzle.
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Loki stood at the edge of the rainbow bridge, staring into the deepest abyss of space. His eyes were unfocused and his attire a jumbled mess. Thor approached him cautiously, uncertain of what to say at first. After a long few moments of silence, the older god spoke.
"Amora will be able to care for herself on Midgard. Father would not be so cruel as to banish a pregnant Aesir on an unstable planet." said Thor, clapping Loki's shoulder comfortingly.
"Right." Was all Loki managed to choke out.
He needed to formulate a plan. Something he could execute swiftly. Maybe he couldn't bring Amora back to Asgard. But he would find her on earth and help her raise their child come hell or high water.
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It was nearing the end of the century on Midgard. 1997 to be exact. Loki had long lost track of how long she had been on Midgard searching for Amora. All she knew was that her female form made it easier to breathe here. Like being himself was too much pressure, but being female in this world was less familiar.
"Come home to me." Thor had whispered in her ear. Loki wrapped her arms around her midsection protectively, the tears burning hot.
"I am not a posession, Thor!" She cried, wiping a stray tear from her face. When he had wrapped his arms around her shaking form she gave in to some of those deep seeded, often carnal desires.
Needless to say, the conversation of "That time Thor went to Midgard to bring back a suicidal and drug dealer Loki" was not a topic often discussed in the kingdom. Loki and Thor especially, would avoid the topic at all costs.
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"I'm envious, but never doubt that I love you." Images swam through his head of Thor, of his sweet orange scent, of sparring and feasting and playing until the sun set and their faces were covered in dirt and sweat and childhood memories.
"I love Thor more dearly than any of you, but you know what he is." Bitterly, Loki thought to himself that Thor was scum. Was selfish. Was uncaring and cold and such a black and white thinker. But that didn't stop the wave of emotions, often confusing emotions, that swelled inside whenever he saw the great oaf's face.
"It all makes sense now. Why you favored Thor all these years." Bitterness and rage couldn't even begin to describe the emotions coursing through his veins. He felt the familiar mask of green settle over his irises and he struggled to make sense of everything. This was the reason Odin didn't care about Elliot or the rape or any of the abuse. This was the reason he was allowed to be tortured for so many years.
"You can bring your "urgent" matter to me, your King." The sheer giddiness that bloomed in his chest at the words were hard to stifle. King. A title he never dreamed he would acquire in all his days on Asgard. Years of wishing and plotting and hoping had finally paid off, it would seem. Now he would get to play hero. He would get to play savior just as Thor always did in troubling times.
"Farewell, brother." TAKE THAT! Loki was practically oozing a tingly sort of pleasure from seeing the shock on Thor's face. Farewell, good riddance, au revoir! Somewhere in the back of his mind he thought, how lovely for you to finally know what it feels like to be cast out for good.
When Thor calls him a talented liar it takes him a moment to drink in what he's just heard. Thor has called him a liar maybe a handful of times in their thousands of years together. But not once has he said it so maliciously. It sends him into a tirade, a rant about being equals and destroying Jotunheim once and for all. It is misguided, he knows this deep down. Why wouldn't Odin just destroy them already if that's what he wanted? He tells himself this newfound hate for Jotunheim is not a form of self hatred. It is not. Is not. NOT.
"Perhaps when we're finished here I'll pay her a little visit myself." Or course, he wouldn't actually visit Jane Foster. It was cruel, thoughtless, tactless. Especially when deep in his soul he did still care for Thor very much. He merely said it to be hurtful. And maybe, in the back of his mind, he said it because of Amora. Because the idea of Thor's hands roaming her perfect skin still drove him mad with jealousy after all these years. He wanted Thor to know what that felt like. That unadulterated rage.
"I could've done it, Father!"
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Loki managed to swallow down his anxiety, and some water, before wiping the cold sheen of sweat from his brow. Valkyrie had seated herself in the desk chair sat against the farthest wall from his bed. She listened to his breathing steady before standing from the chair to come sit by his side on the floor.
He drew his knees up to his chest, stuffing down the desire to kick her out of his room and lock the door for a few hours. Still he knew he should force himself to be social, at least for a few hours today.
"You wanna talk about it?" said Valkyrie, uncorking a bottle of wine she had produced from Norns only knew where. Loki quirked an eyebrow at her, watching as she took a swig of ruby red liquid from the clear bottle.
"Isn't it a little early for wine?" said Loki.
Valkyrie shrugged, continuing to take sips now and then. It had been almost a solid year since the Great Snap. They had been trying to track down some of the Avengers for well over that time, failing at every corner. Of course, they had to stay undercover. Loki still wasn't sure if anyone would recognize him. He'd taken to wearing plainer clothes in this world than he was used to wearing.
Stark seemed to be the only one still in New York, and even then he flitted away to California more often than not. On three separate occassions Loki had attempted to set up a meeting with the man, in private. If he could get the Man of Iron alone for a few minutes he was certain he could talk some sense into him.
"Where shall we start today?" said Loki, pulling himself onto two unsteady feet. Valkyrie stood, stretching her arms in front of her.
"Fine. Don't tell me what happened." There was an edge of irritation in her voice that was almost too subtle to pick up on.
"What do you want to know exactly?" said Loki, the exasperation mounting in his voice. He knocked back the rest of the water before starting in on the rapidly cooling cup of black coffee. Valkyrie made herself busy by gathering up some of the dirty clothes strewn about the floor.
"What the hell happened in the void, Loki? New York, the reason everyone here hates you, why we have to stay in disguise, why we're trying to get the gauntlet from Thanos. I want explanations. Not snippets of answers. If it weren't for you lot I'd still be on Sakaar, happily earning myself a pretty penny." said Valkyrie, tossing a few old shirts into the laundry hamper by the adjoining bathroom door. She sat in the desk chair once more with an exasperated sigh on her lips.
Loki sunk into the bed again, drawing in a long sip of coffee. The bitterness swirled on his tongue, warming his insides with every swallow.
"I made a mistake. I aligned myself with some people that picked me up when I was drifting through the void. Thor talks as if I was gone for years but honestly, it felt like a mere blink before Thanos's ship picked me up. And on board, one of his little henchmen, happened to be an old associate of mine. Someone I know to be untrustworthy." said Loki, pausing to collect his thoughts.
"Mephisto. That's his name. Short for Mephistopheles. He's a demon. Used to teach magical arts in Asgard. He was one of my instructors... and not a very kind man. He said if I did not cooperate he knew spells to make me relive the worst moments of my life." Loki shuddered then, casting his eyes to the ground.
"He wasn't wrong. The spells were like taking a hallucinogenic or something. Made me see all sorts of unpleasant things I hadn't wished to relive..." said Loki, his ears turning a dark red shade.
"Psychological torture." said Valkyrie, her voice oddly flat.
Loki merely nodded his agreement. He would've preferred to be beaten, starved, made to eat dirt or worse, anything but reliving some of his worst nightmares. He chewed his bottom lip uncomfortably, a particularly nasty incident with Elliot came to the forefront of his mind. With a dismissive shake of his head, he pushed the thought away and continued.
"I guess I wouldn't call it torture. I'd already lived these moments. Just memories really. It was just... the voices stuck around in my head. The screams. It was as if he turned my brain into a scrambled rerun marathon of my lowest moments. It felt like I had not slept for hundreds of years." said Loki, his eyes still firmly on the ground.
"Well, Mephisto was one of Thanos' most trusted companions. I suppose he'd let Thanos know of my darkest secrets, what made me tick... at the time, that is. So they used it. Said if I cooperated they would give me my own planet to rule over. I asked why they didn't just present me with that option in the first place and Thanos said that I needed to "know my place" in the grand scheme of things." said Loki, his tone growing more and more embittered.
Know your place. How many times had he heard that in a lifetime? More than he cared to admit to himself.
"In any case, Midgard and this miserable planet were a mere consolation prize. The real trophy was being able to keep my sanity, and my life, for a while longer. Mephisto told Thanos of my proclivity for magic. I suppose they thought I'd be as good a candidate for their mission as anyone." Loki finished, folding his hands together neatly.
"What happened to Mephisto?" Valkyrie asked, the curiosity dripping from her voice now.
"Dead, I think. Or maybe he's returned to his realm. Thanos sent him on a mission days before my Chitauri army was ready to take on New York. I have yet to hear any news of his whereabouts. In any case, Thanos had hundreds of loyal followers. He had his pick of who would be his next right hand man. It's funny, I can hardly recall when Mephisto left Asgard. He served as a guard for my father for many years." said Loki, rising now from the bed. His coffee cup was empty and he felt the need for a shower.
"And the... attacks? They bring back the memories? I've seen the way you go into a trance when they come on." said Valkyrie.
Loki felt his ears redden deeper and stopped in his tracks. He wrenched open the bathroom door before saying,
"The mind has a beautiful way of making you suffer over and over again, even when you use magic to cleanse your thoughts. Even when you induce a comatose state for a few days. Even when you attempt hypnosis. Nothing works."
He could hear Valkyrie stand from the chair and make her way to the bedroom door. He walked soundlessly into the bathroom, closing the door with a soft click. Some shuffling, and then she was outside the bathroom door.
"I think that's called PTSD." Her voice said softly.
Loki growled and flung open the shower curtain in one forceful motion. He heard her leave the bedroom, no doubt to go get showered herself. Witless woman. He thought to himself, turning on the freezing cold stream of water. He shivered when the spray hit his bare flesh, waiting for the water to warm.
It never did.
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"The pilot light is out again." said Loki, drying his hair with an already damp towel as he joined Valkyrie at the kitchen table. She rolled her eyes in response, her own wet hair tucked into a neat bun. She motioned for him to sit next to her, the table a mess with photographs and papers.
"Cold showers are stimulating for the mind. I didn't even notice." She responded, barely glancing up from the table.
"See this man here? Stark has been meeting with him in California for months now." said Valkyrie, pointing to what appeared to be a mugshot. The man's face staring back had pale skin, short brown hair and surprisingly green eyes.
"They call him 'Ant-Man.' He's been on house arrest for quite some time, but it seems he's out now." said Valkyrie, taking a sip from her own cup of coffee.
"He's the man that can grow or shrink himself at will, yes?" said Loki, taking a closer look at the mugshot.
Valkyrie hummed her response, shuffling through a few papers to find another photograph. This one was blurry, as the pictures were taken without flash and late at night.
"Queens. Not far from us. Stark was spotted here a few nights ago with this mystery woman. He's been back here two or three times since." said Valkyrie, pushing the photo across the table for Loki to take a closer look. He squinted, trying desperately to make out the woman's face. She had long brown hair that reached almost to her mid-back, a shapely form and seemingly pale skin. Her other features were far more difficult to discern.
"So we start there. See if this woman can tell us anything." said Loki decisively.
"What if she's just some mystery woman he's having an affair with?" Valkyrie asked, crossing to the kitchen sink to dump out the contents of her coffee cup.
"Doubtful. Stark is a dutiful husband and father to that new born son of his. He's too prideful to be caught in an affair at this stage of the game." said Loki, still pouring over the endless photographs.
"How much have you been paying this person to tail him? And how much longer until you think he'll be caught?" said Loki, chewing thoughtfully on his lower lip.
"I have a man in San Francisco and a man here in New York." said Valkyrie, busying herself with the stove.
"Eggs?" She offered, retrieving their one and only frying pan from the sink.
"Not if you aren't going to wash out that pan first." said Loki, wrinkling his nose in disgust.
"Bacon grease adds flavor." said Valkyrie with a soft chuckle.
"That did not answer my query. How much are you paying these men?" said Loki, shuffling to another photo of Stark leaving the mystery woman's apartment.
"My man in San Francisco only seems to want two things for payment. Human flesh. And tater tots." said Valkyrie, letting the bacon grease crusted pan heat over the stovetop.
Loki opened his mouth to ask just what in Hel or Midgard a 'tater tot' was, but closed it when Valkyrie spoke again.
"My man in New York is just a freelance photographer looking to make some extra money."
There was a long silence that followed. The cracking of two eggs and the sizzle on the pan filled the tiny kitchen. Loki mulled over her words carefully. Human flesh... and tater tots. Odd.
"I have my share of the rent money. Don't worry." Valkyrie said quietly, as if she was reading his mind.
"I know. I was not really worried. Merely concerned, I suppose." said Loki, separating the Stark/Ant-Man photos from the Stark/Mystery Woman photos. Two neat piles laid before him, and a massive crumpled mess of papers still to sort through.
"I will never understand why you won't let me just curse the landlord. We'd get off living here totally free." said Loki, pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumb and pointer finger.
"Because, I am not a criminal like you." Valkyrie retorted, setting a plate of an over cooked egg in front of him. He wrinkled his nose in disgust, eyes narrowing at the crispy looking blob of an egg in front of him. The bits of bacon clung to the egg and blackened to an almost unrecognizable crust.
"I thought women were supposed to be good at cooking." said Loki, poking the messy yoke with his fork.
"Shut up and eat it, or starve." said Valkyrie, tucking into her own breakfast without another word.
Starving was the better option, in his opinion, because he pushed the plate away and directed his attention back to the question of rent money.
"If you let me enchant him, we won't have to work and we can devote more time to finding Thor and the others." said Loki, rising from his chair. He poured himself another cup of coffee and threw open the blinds on the kitchen window above the sink.
"So you quit your job and I'll just pay for everything." Valkyrie grumbled through gritted teeth. Loki snorted, not bothering to tear his eyes off the streets below. She could pay for everything if she wanted. She's made a tidy sum from her writing. Mostly she just reviewed films at the cinema but the Midgard audience loved her bold, no non-sense critiques.
"You're mad. I am not doing any such thing." said Loki, watching with interest as their elderly landlord yelled at their downstairs neighbor. What about he couldn't quite tell.
How mundane life on Midgard was for humans. Work, sleep, eat, repeat. It was largely the reason he was so hell bent on getting the gauntlet from Thanos. To bring back Asgard in all of its glory, to make it even better than it was before. He leaned forward, resting his forehead on the cool glass of the window.
"You'll leave smudges all over the window, Loki." Valkyrie whined at him, placing her plate in the sink. He heard her trash his egg and set about cleaning up the papers on the table. With a heavy sigh he retreated to his spot at the table, burying his face in his hands.
"Alexa? Play After Laughter by Paramore on Spotify."
Loki groaned inwardly. Not another ridiculous Migardian musician. Every other day Valkyrie was telling the little cylindrical speaker to play something he's never heard of before in his life. Perks of working at a record store on the weekends, she would say.
"Hard times! Gonna make you wonder why you even try!" The woman singing was not exactly unpleasant, if he was being honest. Before he had time to protest, Valkyrie had heaved him to his feet with her arms hooked under his armpits.
"If I have told you once I've said it a hundred times, I am not a dancer!" said Loki, huffing with annoyance. He crossed his arms over his chest, resisting the urge to tap his foot.
"But this is a good song to lift your spirits!" said Valkyrie, a playful smirk painted on her lips. She clasped his hands in her own and did a sort of back and forth swaying motion.
The next thing he knew they were jumping up and down, arms flailing all about, hips swiveling in any direction they pleased. He couldn't quite keep the laugh from escaping, despite feeling like absolute shit. Valkyrie hip bumped him, hard, eliciting a "Hey!" from him.
At one point she lost her footing and sent them both crashed to the ground, hands still clutching the front of his t-shirt. If he weren't so deliriously tired he might have been annoyed. Instead they just laughed and laughed while Valkyrie loudly and proudly sang out the "Not gonna hit rock bottom!" line in the song. He pulled them both to their feet, the smile still wide on his face.
When the song was over and the next track played, Loki straight himself out, running a hand through his short black mop. Valkyrie had a distant sort of sad look in her eyes all of a sudden. She crossed her arms over her chest, turning her attention to the papers on the table. He probably should've ignored his instinct and started getting ready for his shift. Instead he pulled her into a crushing hug, planting a kiss on the top of her head affectionately.
"We'll find him. Trust me." said Loki. He broke the contact, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt awkwardly.
"What if his friends don't want to accept us?" She asked, a hint of uncertainty breaking through her voice. Loki smiled warmly, remembering how confident Thor had been that they would accept him, even if it took some convincing.
"We don't need their acceptance, Val. Once a Revenger, always a Revenger." said Loki, holding out his fist for a fist bump. She obliged, rolling her eyes with a soft chuckle.
"You're cheesy." said Valkyrie, the smile still a ghost on her lips.