So, here's the next chapter! I want to give a special thank you to Lauren for beta-reading (and doing it SO fast). Updates should come sooner now, and I do intent to finish this story, so no worries there.
Thanks a lot to you all for your patience and please, enjoy this chapter ;)
Chapter XIV
The plane had been absolute hell.
After his conversation with Roan, Derek had gone straight to Richard's office, attempting to articulate what had happened and that he needed to fly to New York to be with Addison. He had no idea how he had actually managed to explain everything to his mentor, but Richard understood and immediately put him on leave. Derek could remember the worried glint in Richard's eyes, knowing that the Chief of Surgery would have liked nothing better than to join him. Derek was pretty sure Richard had made him promise to call as soon as he knew something, but after getting his verbal okay, all Derek could think about was getting to New York.
Derek had needed to make a pit stop as his hotel. How he had managed to get there without killing anyone, or getting killed himself, was a complete mystery to him. He had run through red lights, speeding like his life depended on it and never once hesitating or going for his breaks. All this while, he was yelling on his cell phone to get plane tickets within the hour. He was pretty sure he had ended up paying twice the normal cost of the ticket, but he didn't care. He simply HAD to get to New York as soon as possible.
Once at his hotel, he filled a suitcase with random items of clothing and was lucky enough to find his passport in the third place he looked. He had run out of the hotel with enough presence of mind to leave a brief message for Preston, explaining that he was on his way to New York and to please deal with the hotel and the construction mess he was leaving behind. He didn't have it in him to explain why it was he was making the emergency trip, but he hoped the Chief would fill him in. Miranda and Callie would have to be told as well, but there simply wasn't time. Everything was such a mess and he felt he barely had enough strength to be there for Addison and Matt, much less deal with the rest of the world.
Everything had been going great. Minus his brief spat with Meredith, which had also been a 'good thing' in the grand scheme of things, his plans had been materializing, albeit slowly, but surely. He had spent a good part of the day daydreaming about what his life was going to be once Addison came back to Seattle and he had a chance to meet Matt for the first time. He had thought about all the things he wanted to say to her, all the things he wanted to teach the little boy. Everything had been too good to be true.
And while he had spent his days dreaming of a better place, Addison and Matt had been fighting for their lives.
Roan's call had chilled him to the bone. He hadn't even seen it coming. He was a Doctor, for crying out loud! He had been married to an obstetrician for almost twelve years! How the hell hadn't he seen it coming? He should have been there… he didn't know what he could possible have done to help, but he should have been there nonetheless.
She didn't deserve this. Addison didn't deserve there. And he could not even begin to fathom how Matt could possibly deserve it either… everything was just so screwed up!
Derek had had about enough loss and death to last him a lifetime.
"GO AWAY!" seven-year-old Derek Shepherd yelled back as someone knocked on his door for the tenth time in two hours. He pulled at the tie around his neck and took off the jacket of the black suit that was making him itch. He hated the outfit and he was sure he was never again going to be able to use it, but his mother had insisted that he had to keep it on for the rest of the day.
He didn't really understand what the hell it mattered anymore. How were a stupid tie and an ugly suit going to make everything better? His mom, sisters and a succession of uncles had already come by to try and get him out of his room but he had managed to send them all away.
He didn't want to talk to anyone.
Still, there was another knock.
"GO AWAY!" he yelled, again, hoping that whoever it was could take the hint. This time, thought, the door was gently cracked open and he was surprised by who was on the other side.
"Mark." He whispered. His best friend had been out of the country when it had happened. Mark's parents had insisted on taking him with them to Europe. Mark didn't understand why he had to go; he always stayed at Derek's when his parent's were out of the country, which was quite often. But this time, Dr. Alexander and Mrs. Anna Sloan had insisted that it would be better for everyone if they took their son with them. Derek had begged his mother to convince Mark's parents to let him stay over, but Julia Shepherd had surprised her son by agreeing with the Sloans.
In retrospective, Derek guessed the adults had known just how sick his father had been and had neglected to tell the children. He even remembered a whispered conversation between them, about him and his sisters joining the trip. Still, his mother had insisted that John Shepherd was doing better and that it would be alright, that they would all get to see Mark again once they came back.
Three weeks later, a whole week before Mark was scheduled to come back – and Derek knew this because he had marked the date in his calendar – John had passed away. And now, his best friend was standing in front of him, wearing a suit and a tie as uncomfortable as his and with matching puffy eyes.
"Hi, Derek." He mumbled.
"Hi." Derek answered as Mark closed the door behind him, making his way towards Derek's bed and sitting by his side. Mark was not his mom or one of the girls, so Derek decided that Mark could come inside.
Plus, he had missed his best friend and hoped, throughout the whole service, that he could be there.
"I'm sorry about your dad, Derek." Mark offered, staring at his shoes. Derek gazed at his own shoes. They were uncomfortable too.
"Yeah, me too."
"Mom said he was sick. I didn't know he was sick." Mark barely whispered.
"I didn't know he was really sick either. He sometimes had headaches and slept a lot. But… I didn't know he was this sick." Derek wished he had known more about was going on. He wished he had been told two weeks, a week, a couple of days beforehand, that he would be today wearing a black suit at his father's funeral. Derek made a mental note to never again attend funerals; they were really sad.
"Your dad was really cool." Mark smiled. Derek couldn't help but smile too. Yeah, his dad had been pretty cool. He took him and Mark camping and fishing and to Yankees game. He had built a second bed and put it in Derek's room once they realized Mark was going to be spending nights at their house more often than not and he always allowed the six children that run around his household to eat ice-cream before dinner.
"Yeah. He was." Silence fell upon the two young friends for a few minutes. Usually, whenever Derek and Mark were together there was no shutting them up. They could talk about anything and everything, often to the chagrin of Derek's sisters that always insisted they both stopped their incessant babbling. But Derek and Mark didn't care, because they were rather sure girls couldn't possibly understand how important their conversations were. Also, they knew they were been annoying, and they kinda loved it.
Today, though, there weren't so many words to share, no funny comments nor snide remarks. Today, there were only two broken-hearted boys, sitting on a bed and swinging their feet.
"You know," Mark started, as Derek had hoped he would. Mark was never one to be able to remain in silence for too long, "You're lucky you had a great dad."
"My dad is dead." Derek answered, choking back tears, "How can I be lucky?" if anyone else had proposed the unbelievable notion that he was lucky, today of all days, Derek would have kicked them out if his room. But this was Mark, and even though he could not possibly understand what he was trying to say, Derek would allow him to say it.
"Because. Your dad was great. He played with you and helped you with your homework and tucked you in. He took you to see the Yankees and fishing and he always had candy on his pockets whenever he came back from work. He called you 'Champ'."
"He called you 'Ace'." Derek muttered, smiling as he remembered his father doing these things.
"Yeah." Mark smiled softly, and Derek could read again the pain in his eyes, "He was a great dad."
"So how come I'm lucky if he died?" Derek asked.
"You're not lucky because he died. You're lucky because you get to know you had a great dad who loved you a lot. He made time for you, always. Other kids won't ever have half the memories with their dads than you did with your dad." Mark was looking into an empty space now, and Derek finally understood what he was saying. Even though he was an only child, if was infrequent that Mark got to spend any time with his dad. Doctor Sloan was a busy man, even when they were playing at Mark's home, he rarely saw his father leave his study.
One time, Mark had ventured into his father's office to ask him to play catch with them – because they both were quite intent on practicing as much as they could for the day the Yankees would inevitably sign them – and he had turned him down quite plainly. Derek remembered that Mark's dad never even lifted his eyes from the documents he was reviewing, even while telling his son to "please, go away and let me get my work done". Except for today, that was the only time he had seen Mark that close to tears.
When his mother had come to pick him up, Derek had begged both her and Mark's mom to please let Mark sleep over at his house and stay for the weekend. They had ended having a great time and the next morning, they got to play catch with his dad. Derek remembered Mark running excitedly all over the garden, trying to get John's attention. And his dad would smile and throw the ball at his son's best friend and when Mark would look back, lifting the baseball with a proud smile, his dad would say "Great catch, Ace!" or "Now that's how you play, little terror".
As Derek watched Mark's pale face as he seemed lost in though, Derek realized for the first time that he was not the only one going through this. If even his best friend was this heartbroken, how were his mom and his sisters? They had all lost John together, and Derek was not helping matters by locking himself up in his room.
Maybe he was wrong, and other people would be able to understand how he felt.
"Mark?" he asked in a shaky voice, feeling the tears pooling in his eyes again.
"Yeah?"
"I really miss my daddy!" Derek whimpered, not been able to hold back the tears anymore. He hanged his head low as he cried sourly for his father, covering his face with his hands. He was a big boy, he wasn't supposed to be crying… but he was a big boy who really missed his daddy and that couldn't stop crying.
It took about five seconds before he felt Mark's arm reaching over his shoulders. He turned lightly as he watched his friend lower his head as the tears overtook him too.
They remained huddled together for about half an hour, crying for the only man that had been a father for the both of them. Derek found solace in the fact that he was not alone, though. He was not alone in living his life and he was not alone in mourning his dad. And he knew that the moment he walked down the stairs, he would have his mom's arms around him and his sisters hovering over him, making him feel loved.
But for now, he was fine, finally letting himself cry and mourn his dad.
And he was thankful that he had someone else that understood, and that was willing to cry by his side.
The first time Derek Shepherd had known loss, he had had his best friend by his side. The second time, it was his best friend he had lost, but he had managed to pull through and be the person Addison could lean on.
What was he supposed to do this time?
There could not be another loss; there just couldn't be. He couldn't go through it without his dad, without Mark… without Addison, without Matt… that just couldn't happen. It was impossible.
Still, though, Derek had found himself on a plane, rushing to New York, praying for the first time in years. He prayed with bitterness about what already been taken away form him. Then, he prayed with pain over what he still stood to lose.
As soon as the wheels touched down at LaGuardia Airport, Derek was off and running for a cab. In hindsight, it would have been easier to call his mother or one of his sisters, even Savvy and Weiss, and ask them to pick him up. Hell, he should probably call them anyway and let them know there was something wrong with Addison… damnit, he didn't even know WHAT was wrong with Addison! Maybe Roan had done it himself already.
As he willed the taxi to please make it to the hospital as soon as possible, he closed his eyes and laid his head back. He couldn't break down… he wouldn't break down until he had a reason to break down.
He looked at his side, before leaning his head back and closing his eyes again.
It hurt him to remember he didn't have his brother by his side this time.
I promised you I would take care of them, Mark. I intend to.
A
That Roan Forbes Montgomery had never liked his brother-in-law was an understatement. In all honesty, he simply had hated Derek. He had hated the way Addison smiled around him and was always holding his hand and gazing into his eyes adoringly. Not that he didn't love to see his baby sister happy, because he did. Most of his life had been dedicated to making sure Addison was safe and happy. So, he figured it was understandable that he would feel, at the very least uneasy, about a new man taking this post in her life. He had always been his sister's hero. Even when they lived with the stepfather they both had adored, Addison had always counted of him to protect her from ghosts and bullies alike. Whenever she was scared, she would come knocking on his door. She would climb onto his bed whenever she had nightmares; while she knew she could just as easily climb into Sean Montgomery's bed, she had never really trusted their mother to chase the bad dreams away. Neither of them had.
So, over the years, Roan had gotten rather used to playing the knight in shining armor for her. He had always known, though, that some lucky bastard would finally snatch her away. Even when she had been an awkward teenager with huge glasses, freckles and a lisp, and hadn't gotten the hang of dealing with her hair, Roan had known the day would come. After their experiences with their biological father, he could never blame Addison for trying to hide herself, to shy away from the spotlight.
That had changed in college, though. All of a sudden, Addison straightened her hair, opted for contact lenses and started wearing make up. She had discovered designer clothes too, much to their mother's joy and all of a sudden became the personalization of a New Yorker.
"It's a new life, Rory."
"I don't care about the new life; I care about the old Addie."
"I'm still here. I would never leave you. I just… I guess I finally figured it out."
"What?"
"That I don't want to be afraid of the world."
He had been beyond proud, even if he teased her incessantly about her shoes. She had somehow managed to break away from her shell and join the world with decisiveness he had always lacked. Sure, he loved his life as a reporter and had no problems facing war, poverty and hunger, in the same way she had no problem facing pain, sadness and loss in her hospital. Still, Addison had also faced New York. She had faced their lives and stayed to build one of her own, long after he had decided to run away.
So, Roan had never kidded himself. He knew the day was coming that guys would start to realized what a prize his sister was. Every single day, smile after smile, he knew her prince charming was coming. Still, he had at least hoped the guy would be half worthy of her.
In his humble opinion, Derek Shepherd was not that guy. Derek hadn't come from a lot of money like them, but he came from a normal family that loved him; and that, Roan could respect. But Derek was also quite conceited. He knew he was all handsome and sweet and the girls fawned over him. He knew that Addison was head over heels in love, and Derek was enjoying every single second of it. As far as Addison was concerned, Derek was prince charming reincarnated. The thing that rubbed Roan the wrong way was that Derek seemed to think he was prince charming too.
So, as any good big brother, he had made his feelings known the first time Addison brought Derek home to meet the parents. He just happened to be visiting for a couple of months and took the opportunity to seize up his sister's suitor.
He wasn't impressed.
And he made it quite clear poking fun at him all through dinner.
Addison hadn't been impressed with THAT.
"Lay off him, Rory."
"I'll lay off him the minute he lays off you!"
"Rory, come on!"
"You can't be serious about this guy, Addie!"
"Why not?"
"Because! He's a jerk. He thinks he's God's gift to women! He thinks anyone that doesn't listen to The Clash is retarded and that the Yankees are going to win everything! And…"
"And he talks A LOT about himself; he takes about an hour every morning doing his hair and never refills the coffeemaker when he takes the last cup! And you know what?"
"What?!"
"I love him, Rory."
So, Roan had slowly resigned himself to the fact that Derek Shepherd would be a permanent fixture in his life. He had gone to their engagement party and to their wedding. He had gotten all these gifts from 'Addison and Derek', like they were joined to the hip or something.
He had made sure to send his gifts just 'To Addie'.
He had been introduced to the whole Shepherd clan, and while he really liked Derek's sisters and Derek's mom adored him, it was still a little bit intimidating. He was used to a quite household were his mother was often absent. All his nurturing growing up had come from his dad and all the family he had to deal with on a regular basis consisted of him and Addison. It was a far cry from Derek's family of five children.
It was on one of these loud family reunions that he had met Mark Sloan. Addison and Derek had just gotten engaged, and Julia Shepherd had organized a family BBQ to celebrate. So, his dad had dragged him kicking and screaming out of his apartment, practically seated him in the car and trapped him with the seat bell, ordering him to behave and to not upset his sister.
After been chatted up for about an hour by Derek's sisters, a conversation where he was quite sure Nancy Shepherd had tried to grab his ass, Roan had made a quite escape into the living room. From the windows, he could see Addison and Derek kissing and talking to Sean and Julia, and he had to remember himself not to throw up.
He hadn't noticed, though, that he hadn't been the only one with the idea to hide.
"They're so mushy…"
"Ha. Now imagine been their constant shadow. THAT'S annoying."
"Oh… hey."
"Hey."
"I didn't realize there was anyone in here."
"It's cool. I just needed a little time off."
"Me too."
"You know? Derek wasn't always like this. He wasn't so whipped. He still acted like a man and was capable of making a decision without having to 'run it by Addison'. And he was a normal disgusting male, before turning into this big sap."
"Oh, you're telling me! Addison was always so much fun! We would stay up late watching movies or we would go walking whenever it was raining! She was never a 'girly-girl', even when she figured out… you know… that she was…"
"Hot?"
"Yeah. Even then, she was my buddy. Now I call her up, ask her how she's doing and what do I get in response? A never ending speech about how 'amazing' Derek is."
"I KNOW! When I'm hanging at a bar with my best friend and tell him that some random woman is hot, the last thing I need to hear is how Addie's hair is prettier or Addie's eyes are more beautiful… I got it! Addison's gorgeous; no debate. But if I have to find someone else to get laid, can you stop telling me how she's not hotter than you're girlfriend? God!"
"Fiancée. They're engaged now, remember?"
"Right. I need another scotch."
"Alcohol? Sounds about right."
"Let's go."
"Let's go. Oh, sorry, Roan Montgomery."
"Hey, Mark Sloan."
He had liked Mark from the get go. Not only because he was the only one that agreed with him that the wedding wasn't the event of the century. He was laid back, he was fun. But he was also smart and witty and honest. He was as conceited as Derek and he was even more thoroughly convinced that HE, and not his best friend, was God's gift to humankind. But he wasn't sleeping with his baby sister, so he hadn't really cared that much about his flaws. They could poke fun together at Derek and Addison, mock them for becoming 'that couple', and have the manly kind of fun Derek didn't get to have anymore without his wife consent. So, in the few occasions he had met with Mark Sloan, he had liked him a great deal.
It had also helped that, despite his attitude, he adored Addison. Roan had no doubt in his mind that Mark wouldn't allow anything to happen to Addison. Even if Derek was a jerk, and even if Derek was Mark's best friend since childhood, Roan knew that Mark would make sure Derek treated his sister the way she deserved.
And even if Addie always complained about 'Derek's idiot best friend', Roan knew the plastics wonder had grown on her. She had her own little routine with Mark; he would tease and she would tease him back, he would make a sexist comment and she would call him a pig, at some point Mark would throw a pillow or yank her hair playfully and she would attempt to harm him with her tiny fists.
It was endearing to watch.
And Addison was happy with her new life and 'her boys'. So Roan decided Derek maybe wasn't a complete ass and that her sister had finally found her happy ending.
Of course, there weren't happy endings.
After their childhoods, Roan and Addison shouldn't have been naïve enough to believe in them.
"Hey, sweetie."
"Hey, Rory." Even through the phone, he could hear the tears in her voice.
"Addie? Are you okay, baby?"
"I'm fine, How's Congo?"
"Nevermind Congo. What's going on, Addison?"
"No… nothing… nothing's going on. I'm fine, I promise.
"Addison…"
"How are you…?"
"How's Derek."
Silence. Roan knew he had hit a nerve.
"Addie, where's Derek?"
"He's… he had a surgery…"
"He's at the hospital?"
"Yeah. He's busy."
"So are you."
"But he's the Head of his Department…"
"Addie. So are you. I didn't say it was wrong he was at the hospital. Why do you feel like you have to make excuses for him?"
He should have followed his instincts.
He should have hoped into a plain and gone back home to her. Addison was the most important person of his world and she clearly needed him.
But he had chosen to believe that she was alight and her marriage was perfect, mostly because he didn't want to face that his sister could get heartbroken once again. And when he had called back, she had sounded happier. Then again, she hadn't been alone…
He hadn't been surprised when he had gotten his mother's call.
How his mother had found out, he would never know. He knew Addison would never volunteer any information about her personal life to their mom. But she knew and she had called to inform him that Derek had walked out on his sister. She didn't have anymore details, and Roan had only known the whole story once he had made a frantic call to Addison.
She had sounded different. Cold. Distant. Not like the person Roan knew. He figured she was still in shock as she recounted Derek walking in on her and Mark, having sex in Addison and Derek's bed. She recounted begging and being thrown into the rain as if it hadn't happened to her. At the end of their phone call, Addison told him not to worry. She didn't have a clue about Derek's whereabouts but she was living with Mark. She didn't need him to come.
Roan had always had his suspicions that Mark was in love with his sister. For a guy that was a complete jerk to everyone, he was always sort of… gentle, with Addison. He would treat her like she would break and let her drag him to any chick event Derek refused to tag along for. But still… something was off. As much as Roan had a hint that maybe Mark was a better fit for Addison than Derek, they weren't quite there yet. Mark was not the guy Addison needed him to be just yet.
Everything else had happened kind of in a blur.
Addison left Mark in New York and moved to Seattle to try and save her marriage. Finally, the heartbreak and the divorce had come. All of a sudden, Mark had moved to Seattle to win Addison back and before he had known it, his baby sister was married to the man that had stood up as the best man of her first wedding and had a baby on the way.
Roan had known that children had been a rocky subject in Addison's life. It was quite clear that she loved them; she worked with them every single day. Still, she had never had one to call her one, her own child to take home with her and nurture with the love and care that she was capable off. She had once confided in him that Derek was unable to have children and that the others options would be too hard on him. Roan had considered this as yet another sign of how self-centered his brother in law was.
Addison had her own way of seeing it.
"You want a baby, Addie. You've always wanted a baby."
"I know. But I can't have one."
"Yes, you can! You could do the whole fertilization thing…"
"It wouldn't work with Derek's condition…"
"Or you could adopt. Or have a surrogate father…"
"No way. I cant' have a baby that isn't Derek's. It would kill him."
"Fine! Adoption!"
"No. It would be a constant reminder to Derek that he couldn't give me a child…"
"So what? The guy can't have kids and all of a sudden you have to give up on your dreams?"
"My dreams? What do you know about my dreams anymore, Rory? My dream is a whole life with Derek. Waking up by his side everyday and going to bed in his arms every night. My dream is us growing old together and being as in love as we are now when we're eighty years old. And yes, I want a baby. I would have liked to have a baby. But there's nothing I want more in this life than Derek and I wouldn't want any child but his."
That had been a whole lifetime ago. A lifetime when Addison had never imagined even the possibility of a child of hers not been Derek's.
Now, everything was different.
Roan was sitting in an uncomfortable chair at Mount Sinai, as his sister's friends and colleagues stopped by to express their regrets and best wished for Addison and Matt. Today, Addison was fighting for her life in pretty much the same way that Matt was. Matt, a child that Addison had wanted with her whole heart and that had ended up been Mark's instead of Derek's.
That Mark would never get to meet his child was unbearable. But the fact that Addison could easily follow in the same fate… that was unthinkable. For a moment, Roan wished he were a religious man, so at least he could pray for their well-being.
As it stood right there, all Roan had been able to do was rush his sister to the hospital and sit down waiting and hoping for the best.
Also, he had called Derek Shepherd.
That his relationship with her former brother in law would change this much was still hard to believe. But for what Roan had seeing in the last few months, Derek had become – finally – the man Addison had always claimed him to be. And he also knew that if worst came to worst, Derek deserved to be there.
Even if all he could do was hold two small hands as their precious lives faded away, Derek deserved to be there…
A
"Roan!" Derek was breathless as he run through the hospital corridors. His suitcase was still tightly clasp in his hand, and the sight of his former brother in law sitting in a plastic chair with his head in his hands wasn't doing much to placate his fears. At the sound of his name, Roan raised his head slowly and stared at the man rushing to him as if he needed a minute to recognize him and get his thoughts in order. By the time Derek reached him, he was already on his feet, his hands clasped together.
"Hello Derek."
"What the help happened? Where is Addison? Is she okay?" Derek took no time bombarding him with questions. He had, literally, flown from the other side of the country as an anxious mess. All he needed was to hear that Addison was alright and it was all just a scare.
By the look in Roan's face, Derek knew that assurance wasn't coming.
"Easy. She… she's not conscious right now…"
"Not conscious? What the hell does that mean, 'not conscious'? What happened?"
"Okay… look, maybe you should sit down…"
"Maybe you should just tell me what the hell is going on!" rationally, Derek knew this wasn't Roan's fault and that the other man was probably trying to be gentle in breaking obviously bad news. But all Derek could think about was the fact that something had happened to Addison, she was unconscious, and he had no idea so far what the hell had gone wrong.
"Fine. Look… the thing is… Addison hadn't really been feeling well…"
"I know, last she called, she was so tired…"
"Yeah. She didn't really want you to know, she didn't want you to worry, but about three weeks ago she was diagnosed with gestational hypertension…"
"Hypertension?! Oh my God, she developed pre-eclampsia?!"
"No… but, they were afraid it would develop into HELLP syndrome…"
"HELLP syndrome? That's as bad as full fledged eclampsia!"
"I know. So did she. But she was taking it easy. They couldn't really treat her with anti-hypertensives with the pregnancy, so they started her into this thing… met… methyl…"
"Methyldopa?"
"Yeah, that's it." Derek nodded, already trying to fight back tears. He wasn't a specialist like Addison, but he knew Methyldopa was only used in severe cases. Addison had been far from alright.
"Then what happened?"
"I don't know." Derek could clearly see that Roan was as distressed as he was, but he needed to know what had gone wrong with Addison's pregnancy, "I hoped she was doing better… but she was just so weak. She was having headaches and pain in her abdomen. And, yesterday… I was with her in her room, she was on bed rest, we were watching some awful chick movie and she closed her eyes… I asked her what was wrong, if she needed anything and… and her voice was so soft Derek, she just said she was really dizzy. I was going to embrace her, help her feel grounded and… all of a sudden she started shaking… and…"
"Oh God, she had a seizure?" Roan nodded, choking back tears of his own.
"Roan… they delivered?"
"They… they had to. They performed a C-Section. If either of them… they delivered him."
"No…"
"And… they have the baby on observation and… and Addie… she hasn't woken up yet…"
"I… this can't be. This isn't fair… why… why didn't you tell me? Why didn't SHE tell me?"
"I just told you, man. She didn't want you to know. She knew you would get insanely worried and she thought she would make it farther into the pregnancy before this became a problem."
"You SHOULD have told me! I would have flown here right away! She needed me Roan!"
"It wasn't my decision! I wanted to tell you, I thought you ought to get your ass here for her but she didn't want you to!" Derek stopped fighting the tears as he braced himself against a wall. Addison was unconscious and the longer she stayed that way, the higher was the risk she may never wake up. Matt had been delivered at twenty-seven weeks… that meant he was in the NICU, fighting for his life… much like his mother…
"I can't… I can't…" Derek didn't even know how to finish that sentence. He couldn't breath. He couldn't react. He couldn't do this, but he had to do this. He had to somehow make sure both of them would be alright, and absolutely no clue how to do that.
"I know." He heard Roan muttered by his side. That reminded him that he was not the only one going through this.
"What… what have the doctors told you?" he asked in a shaky voice, facing Roan, who had gone back to sitting in the plastic chair with his head in his hands.
"A bunch of things I didn't understand. And quite frankly, the ones I got I didn't care for."
"What did they say, Roan?"
"As far as Matt goes… he's in the NICU. He's breathing without a tube so far but they may have to use one if he stops. His lungs are underdeveloped so they're treating him for that. Still, they say it could be worse; like, he's over this limit…"
"Limit of viability." Derek muttered.
"Yeah. Anyway, they're watching him in case his brain starts bleeding and… and he's so premature they are still making sure he doesn't have any brain damage…"
"Even if he had a hemorrhage, it still wouldn't be the end of a world. He's a child; children heal fast. They still need to keep an eye on him at all times, though. They're feeding him…?"
"Through a tube. And he's having some problems processing the food so far, and a little bit of anemia but he's overall… fighting. I guess."
"And Addie?"
"Addie… Addie… I really don't know. She was unconscious after the seizure and through the delivery. They say there's no brain damage or anything…"
"They're telling you the truth, Roan."
"Then why on earth hasn't she woken up yet?"
"Sometimes, it takes the woman some hours after the delivery before she wakes up…"
"Still. She bled a lot during the c-section… the surgeons were so worried and were even afraid they might have to do a hysterectomy. I think the placenta was starting to tear up when they… opened… her up. And they say her pressure's still up. So they are monitoring her closely."
"She should be okay… that's normal. She should be okay."
"But… but what if she doesn't wake up?" Roan breathed this question, fear clear in his eyes at even having to formulate the question. And as much as Derek knew that Roan was asking for his assurance as a surgeon that his baby sister was going to be okay, he didn't know how to answer his question. And he knew Roan hadn't missed his hesitation. Both men remained in silence for a few minutes, each of them feeling helpless and rather useless.
"I'm gonna look for the doctors!" Derek suddenly announce, already making his way down the hall.
"Wait, man. Where are you going?" Roan asked, blocking Derek's way.
"I'm gonna look for the doctors!" Derek stated again, not understanding why Roan needed more clarification and why he wasn't letting him go.
"Why?"
"Why? You just told me they're worried about Matt's brain bleeding and I'm one of the top Neurosurgeons in the country…"
"I figured. You just said it wasn't a big deal…"
"It's not…"
"Then why would my nephew need one of the top Neurosurgeons in the country?"
"Because… he might…"
"Derek…"
"I just… I gotta do something, Roan. I gotta help at least one of them."
"I didn't ask you here so you could poke on Matt's brain Derek, and you know it."
"So what? We both sit here and pray that everything turns out fine? I can't do that. I'm a surgeon; I've got to do SOMETHING…"
"Even if Matt did need a Neurosurgeon Derek… I wouldn't let it be you."
"What?"
"You can't be his doctor… you are not here as Doctor Shepherd. You're here as Derek."
"Derek can't do a damn thing about that child in the NICU! Derek can't do a damn thing about the love of his live lying unconscious in that bed! Doctor Shepherd can!"
"Derek… you can't. Matt isn't just some kid to you. You can't."
"Then…" Derek took a deep breath as the moisture reached his lips, "then what the hell do I do? How the hell do I fix them?"
"You don't. First, you'll go with me to see Addison. You need to see Addison so she at least feels your presence, feels that you love her enough to be here. And then, you'll meet Matt."
"I… I don't know if I can do it."
"Yes you can. You love them and that's why even the idea of seeing them struggle hurts you, but you gotta do this, Derek."
"I know… I just… this morning everything was so perfect… I had all these plans."
"You still have plans." Roan muttered reaching for an envelope that had been lying next to his chair. He handed the envelope to Derek, giving him a side smile before walking away, "Let me know when you're ready to go into Addie's room."
Derek stared at the folder in his hand, having no idea of what it contained. He felt trepidation opening it. After the surprises this day had brought, Derek wasn't sure he could handle anymore. Still, he knew there was a reason for Roan to be handling Derek this envelope. He opened it slowly, mentally preparing himself for whatever he was about to see. A small smile crept up his face when he read them; he didn't even thought he would be able to smile this day, but this he hadn't been expecting.
Inside the envelope, he found a draft for a document; it wasn't addressed to Derek, but to Addison's lawyer.
Before everything happened, Addison had given her legal consent for Derek to formally adopt Matthew.
A
Derek walked slowly into Addison's room. It had taken him about half and hour to calm down enough to actually go into the room. Roan was looming by the door, debating between allowing the clearly shaken man to have some privacy or being there in case he had a break down. Derek didn't mind his presence; after all, he wasn't sure what option would be better either. He still clutched the adoption paper in his hands, surprised that Addison had begun to think about it. It was just a draft, but the meaning of the paper didn't diminish at all. After all they had gone through, Addison felt like he was enough of the man he had hoped he was becoming to formally be a part of her son's life.
And now, all that might get taken away.
Their second - or was it their third? - chance, might get taken away… if Addison didn't wake up.
He made his way slowly to her bed. He was scared of what he was about to see as he lifted his eyes to look at her face.
She was so pale and looked so fragile, laying in that bed. She was hook up to all the proper machines and it gave him some peace of mind that they indicated she was stable. Still, though, he knew he wouldn't be able to take an easy breath until she finally woke up.
He sat by her bed, trying his best not to joist her. Nevertheless, part of him wanted nothing more than to get her to wake up, in any way, even if she would wake up and scream at him for been so thoughtless and shaking the bed when he knew she was sleeping. He took her hand in his and wince at the coldness he found instead of her usual warmth. He softly reached with his other hand and moved some strands of red locks from her face. Even now, she was the most beautiful woman he had seen in his life.
"Hey, Addie." He whispered, feeling tears prickle in his eyes. This was not how this was supposed to happen. He was supposed to be there when she got into labor. He was supposed to hold her hand and reassure her that she could do this and that she was doing great. She was supposed to be able to see her child when he took his first breath. Addison and Matt should be together right now… she should be awake.
"How are your doing, sweetheart?" he could have kicked himself for even asking that, "Stupid question, you're in a coma." Again, he should have kicked himself. But, what was he supposed to do? The love of his life was lying motionless in a hospital bed, what the hell was he supposed to say?
"I guess… I guess I can let you sleep for a while longer. You must be tired. This has been a tiring year, I understand that. Still, though, I miss you, baby. I've missed you all these weeks in Seattle. But I understand why you did it all this way. So, just so you know, I'm not mad or upset of anything. So, if you haven't woken up because you're worried I'll be mad…" he could almost picture Addison waking up just to tell him to stop been so self-centered and couldn't help but give a small smile. Still, she didn't wake up.
"Ok. I miss you though. And from what I'm told, you have a pretty cute kid that's probably dying to snuggle with his mommy. I… I haven't seen him yet. It feels wrong, you know? That I get to see him before you? But I don't want him to be alone. I don't want Matt to think he's alone and I kinda have to tell him why you're not around yet… so… I'll see him later, ok?" he raised her hand to his lips, letting the tears fall. Why the hell wasn't she waking up? Medically she should already be up!
"So… Roan gave me the papers… I mean, I know it's just a draft, I know you could totally change your mind… but the thing is… it means a lot to me that you would even consider it. I really want to do it, Addie. I fell in love with you again. And I also fell in love with Matt, and even know it shouldn't be me that gets to be there for all the milestones of his life, I want to be there. I want to help you raise this kid and let him know every single day that he is loved and wanted. And I'll help you teach him about his daddy, and about how he also loved him more than anything."
"Anyway… I put the fence up. You know, the fence? So that he wouldn't get too close to the lake? And his trailer-room thing is all set up, so he already has his nursery there. I didn't know he was planning to come early, though, so the house is not quite ready. But I guess that's okay, we have your house in Seattle. And I haven's seen it for sure, but I think Callie might be setting up a nursery there too. Your friends kinda have their minds all set up that you're coming back. I hoped they were right, but I didn't want to pressure you…"
"I don't know what to say, Addison. I don't know what to do that would make this whole thing better. So, I'm going to do the only thing I can… I'm going to do what you'd have wanted for me to do. I'm staying. I'm not leaving you alone. I'm not going to be this absent person that runs for the woods whenever things get tough. I'm going to be by your side. I'm going to be the man I have not been for years. And I'll take care of Matt the way you would want to take care of him. So, don't worry love. Take your time, I'm not going anywhere. I'll make sure nothing bad happens while you're sleeping… and I'll make sure Mattie is alright. I… I love you Addison."
With that, Derek softly gave her a short kiss on the lips. He prayed that she would kiss him back, but when she didn't, he comforted himself in the fact that he was still able to kiss her lips. She would wake up. After all they had gone through together, she would wake up. He needed to believe that.
With one last glance at Addison's motionless body, he rose up from her bed, letting her hand fall to her side after giving it one last gentle squeeze. He made his way towards the door, where Roan still stood, making sure to look straight ahead instead than towards the bed.
"You okay?" the older Montgomery asked.
"No. But I'll be… as soon as she wakes up."
"Right. What… what do you want to do now?"
"I need you to stay here with her. I… I don't want her to be alone."
"I didn't plan on leaving her alone. And you?"
"There's someone else that needs me right now."
A
Derek walked slowly into the NICU. He had been to NICUs before, all the time actually, considering who he had been married to for over a decade. Still, it had never felt quite like this. It had never before felt like his heart was about to split in two and tears were dangerously close to falling down his cheeks. He had never felt so strongly, like he would give up anything to be able to carry the child he was looking for in his arms and will him away from all this pain and suffering.
The nurse that was guiding him pointed him to the crib he was looking for with a sad smile, assuring him again that they all though the baby was going to be just fine. Derek nodded absentmindedly and walked towards the incubator. His breath caught at his throat once he saw the child inside.
He was small, really small, but Derek already knew he would be. He was lazily blinking his eyes, not quite focusing on anything just yet. He was stretching his little arms and the sure rise of his chest gave Derek hope that he would, indeed, be alright. He had all kinds of wires covering his body, and as a doctor, he was able to name each and everyone of them, as well as their function. That didn't matter, though. The only thing that was really important was that this child was real and existed not just like an idea or a flutter in Addison's belly. He was here, blinking and stretching and trying to make sense of the world he had been thrown into before his time.
Derek noticed there was a stool besides the incubator and sat there. He dared to move one of his hands through the hole into the incubator. The baby's body was warm as Derek softly covered his belly with his hand and he gurgled a little at the contact. Derek smiled, encouraged, and inserted his other hand, this time stroking the baby's hand, mindful of the tubes around it.
"Hi, Mattie." He whispered and couldn't help but smile. Despite everything else, he was seeing Matt and talking to him, like he had hoped he would. As small as he was, he could still see Mark and Addison clearly in his face. He would grow up to have Mark's eyes, but Addison's nose and bone structure were evident too. Although he had only soft tufts of hair, he already knew they would dirty blond and couldn't wait for the day that he would be able to see Mark's mischievous smile once again.
He knew that Addison would be please to know how much her baby resembled his father.
"I'm sorry all this happened, little guy." He offered, "I'm sorry mommy and daddy can't be here right now to hold your hand. They both would want to be, I promise." He allowed one of the tears he had been keeping at bay to fall down his cheek when Matt's hand weakly folded around his finger, "But you're not alone, okay? I will be here as long as you want me to be, ace. And the nurses can't kick me out, because I'm a doctor, so we're lucky."
As he watched the helpless baby in front of him, he couldn't help but feel all the emotions of the last year cursing through him. Mark lying motionless after the car ran him over, Addison crying in his arms when he told her that her husband was dead, walking her towards Mark's body, going over to her house and forcing her to eat, he and Addison slowly making her way back to each other, their kiss, the night in his office with Burke and the Chief knowing she was leaving, their phone calls, Roan calling him and telling him to come to New York, Addison laying on that bed… and then, the child in front of him. The reality that after the hell they had all been through that year, the hell they were still in the middle of, there was hope. There was beauty and, despite everything else, joy. He knew Addison would open her eyes because there was no way she was going to miss out on meeting her son. She was going to be okay because she had the most important thing in the world to fight for. For everything that the infamous trio had gone through, for all the pain in their lives and the conflicts between them, for Mark, for Addison and for Derek, it had all been worth it. This small weak life that would grow into the most amazing child in the world had been more than worth it.
"I'm Derek." He whispered, smiling brightly, "And by the way, you're Matt. You're Matthew Mark Sloan."