A/N: See the first chapter for the disclaimer. There is a tiny little crossover with CSI here, mentioned in passing. The relationship is developed more in my one-shot, Bones. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and please review. :D
Chapter 13: Paying it Back
The waitress seated them, and Tony handed Abby a menu. The younger woman thanked him quietly. "So, I can order anything?" she asked.
"Yep," Tony replied.
"Good. Because, I'm really hungry."
Tony chuckled.
They ordered drinks first, before ordering dinner and an appetizer. With drinks in hand, Abby turned to Tony. "So, did you and Jack have a good talk last night?" she asked.
"Uh, an interesting one," Tony replied. "He's pretty easy to talk to."
"Yeah. He kind of reminds me of you and Gibbs."
"Well, Gibbs is a given, but me?"
"Yeah. He's kind of a flirt, and he's easy to talk to. Caring. Dedicated."
"Yeah, I guess."
"You saying you're not caring or dedicated?" Abby asked, taking a drink.
"I'm saying that I don't really see myself similar to the Gibbses," Tony replied, shrugging.
"Didn't Ducky tell you that before? When they were chasing Boone?"
"I know Ducky's usually right, but… even that's far-fetched for me."
"Actually, I'm pretty sure Ducky's right on that one. Well, in some aspects. He wasn't a womanizer or anything."
"Thanks, Abby," Tony deadpanned, taking a drink.
"I'm not saying you are or were. I'm just saying…"
"No, it's okay. I'm a commitment-phobe."
Abby shrugged as the waitress delivered the appetizer. "I think that's more your upbringing than anything," she said, picking up a mozzarella stick.
"Why does everyone always psychoanalyze me?" Tony asked, taking a drink.
"Because you look like crap, and we care. A lot."
"Thanks… I think."
Abby put her hand on top of Tony's, squeezing his fingers gently. "Do you ever think that you're a good person?"
"I'm narcissistic. Of course I do."
She swatted at him. "I mean it."
"I know."
"I mean, I know it's hard for you to think that you're a good person when all this bad stuff keeps happening to you…"
Tony cleared his throat.
"But, you're a good person," she said.
"So I've been told," he replied. "I'm working on believing it."
"When was the last time you talked to Gibbs?"
"We talked a little bit last night. I'm supposed to drop by after dinner."
"Are you going to?"
"Do you think Gibbs would let me get away with it if I didn't?" Tony asked, smirking.
"Probably not," Abby said. "How are your heart-to-hearts going with the Boss-man, anyway?"
"Haven't had that many since I came back. Seems like everyone wants a piece of me these days, you know? Not that I mind, but…"
"It's a lot?"
Tony half-nodded, half-shrugging as their entrees arrived. "I'm just not used to it, I guess," he said, picking at his dinner.
"We all care about you," Abby said, taking a bite of her dinner. "We just want to help."
"I know."
"You're not beyond that point, Tony. You can be helped. It just might take some time."
"I know," he breathed.
*~*~*~*
Gibbs was downstairs working on the boat as Tony walked in later that night. The younger agent made his way into the basement, sitting on the stairs. "Gonna be evasive tonight?" Gibbs asked.
"Maybe," Tony jokingly evaded, smirking.
Gibbs smirked, still working.
"You gonna ask direct questions?"
"What happened when you left?"
"I lost everything."
"What does that mean?"
"My mind, my sanity, and any piece of a life I used to have. It was like being thrown into hell with no end in sight. Easy to lose faith. Even easier for me to believe that Vance just sent me away so he didn't have to deal with me- a problem ridden agent who failed a simple protection detail." Tony shrugged, wishing he had something to help him get through the awkwardness of the moment as he stood up and got off the stairs.
"You coulda called, DiNozzo," Gibbs countered, still working on the boat.
"When? We were in different time zones, Gibbs. It's hard enough to talk to you when we're face-to-face."
Gibbs arched his eyebrows, more at Tony's honesty.
"What was I supposed to do? Call you and tell you every time I had a nightmare?" Tony started pacing back and forth by the stairs as the conversation started to agitate him more. "Because we'd be on the phone every damn day. You really wanna listen to me bitch and cry?"
"If it'd help you, yeah."
"Well, it's not helping."
"What is?" Gibbs asked bluntly.
"Nothing," Tony grunted. "That's the problem."
"You been drinkin' tonight, DiNozzo?"
"Yeah. Soda." Tony shook his head as he continued to pace back and forth. "I'm trying so hard not to be like him."
"Like who?" Gibbs asked.
Tony looked down to his feet, saying nothing.
"Like your father?"
"He killed my mother."
Gibbs furrowed his brow, giving up on the boat to turn his attention to Tony.
"I mean, it was definitely suicide, but my father pushed her to it. He wasn't enough support for her."
"For you either," Gibbs said.
"This isn't about me," Tony said.
"Always has been about you, in some capacity."
"Yeah. I let my little sister get killed, which drove my parents insane, which led to them drinking even more and my father eventually pushing my mother to killing herself. I'm real friggen great, aren't I?"
"That wasn't what I was saying, and you know it."
"Are you saying that I always have to make things about me?"
"You telling me you don't?"
Tony sighed, saying nothing as he finally stopped pacing.
"You always do this to yourself," Gibbs continued.
"What the hell am I supposed to think?" Tony shot back. "I'm the only one left in my family, each one of them meeting their demise far too soon. I'm the common denominator. And how in the hell can you not blame me for Jenny's death too?"
"Because it's not your fault. Never was."
"You really think that it's hers?"
"No. I think it was the four men who killed her in the diner. The guys she killed. They were at fault."
"And if Ziva and I were there…"
"One or both of you could've died right along with her."
"Maybe that would've been better," Tony sighed, sitting on the floor.
"You think that you dying with Jenny would've been better?" Gibbs shot back, trying to keep his anger in check and failing slightly.
"Maybe."
Gibbs shrugged, walking toward where Tony had sat down. "You've convinced me. You got the gun. Go for it."
Tony groaned, pulling his knees toward his chest. "I told you in Stillwater, I'm not suicidal."
"Really? Could've fooled me."
Tony looked up at him.
"You've been trying to kill yourself since you left."
"Have not," Tony attempted feebly.
"You'd rather sit in your own pain than talk to the people who want to help," Gibbs began. "You drink so much each night that you hope you won't wake up in the morning, but you do. You don't sleep, you don't eat, and that's not because you're sick. Your shipmates noticed, DiNozzo. Vance kept close tabs on you for a reason."
Tony flinched, closing his eyes.
"You always use your mind to harm yourself more than weapons."
"Enough," Tony whispered, hugging his knees closer to him. "Please, just stop."
Gibbs crouched in front of him.
"You're right… mostly. I mean, it wasn't every night."
Gibbs watched with sad eyes as Tony hugged himself tighter.
"I can't help it. They say you start to adapt your coping skills from your parents, right? Well, my parents used the bottle. My mom also used drugs. No one talked about it, no one did anything about it. It was what it was, and you said nothing. I don't know how to not do that. And, I don't want to do that, to be like them. But I don't know what I need to do, and I don't know how to let people help me. I don't know how to talk to people. And no one but Abby was trying to talk to me… even you wouldn't have bothered if Abby didn't make you."
Gibbs swallowed the lump that formed in his throat at Tony's accusation.
"I felt like we were all shoved off in our own corners," Tony continued sadly. "We weren't a family anymore. And… this is the closest thing to home I've ever had. And I felt like that had been ripped away from me. And I couldn't handle it. I think if it wasn't for the fact that I was the only cop and had to be ready at a moment's notice, it probably would have been every night, but I wanted to do a good job. I kept hoping that if I did well… I'd come home. The punishment would be over."
Gibbs was going to kill Vance if it was the last thing he did.
"But it's never over, is it?" Tony asked, finally looking at Gibbs. "It's never going to be over. Sure, the deployment's done and we're back together, but everything else is never going to end. It's always going to be there, stuck in my memory, and it's never going to go away."
Gibbs broke Tony's eye contact, not wanting to admit how right the younger man was.
"I can learn to live with it, but I'm not sure I want to. Look at all we've been through in the past few years. Kate was murdered. Jenny was murdered. You were blown up. I was tortured. Ziva actually doubted herself. Abby almost died… twice. Even Palmer almost died. And let's not forget that Paula died trying to save us. How can you still be convinced that there's something here that's worth it?"
"How can you be convinced there's not?" Gibbs asked softly, looking at Tony.
"There's so much evil out there," Tony replied.
"There's good too."
"Yeah, like what? Love? Because last time I checked, that one bit me hard, and it hasn't been so good to you either. Besides, she was an op, and I wasn't supposed to fall in love. And I messed that up like I mess everything else up."
Gibbs closed his eyes, trying to gain some patience.
"And friends… well, anyone who gets close to me dies. Kate, Paula, Jenny, Ryan… they're all dead. Even Mike's dead."
Gibbs furrowed his brow. "Who's Mike?" he asked softly.
"Michael Keppler. He was a former partner and good friend of mine in Philly… died a year and a half ago in a shootout in Vegas."
Gibbs nodded. "You never mentioned it."
Tony half-snorted. "I did. You just weren't listening."
Gibbs furrowed his brow again, trying to recall when Tony mentioned it to him.
*~*~*~*
Flashback:
Tony walked into the bullpen with his head down, quieter than usual. Not that he had been very forthcoming lately- he was still hiding the assignment that Gibbs learned about much too late. Noticing the altered demeanor of his senior agent, Gibbs walked over to Tony's desk, where the younger man had his head down.
"DiNozzo," he said softly.
"'M just tired, Boss," Tony half-heartedly answered, not looking up.
Gibbs didn't say anything, but also didn't move.
"We have a case?"
"No."
"Then why won't you leave me alone?"
"What's wrong?"
Tony looked at Gibbs with bloodshot, tired eyes that were asking the older man to leave it alone while also searching for an answer. Problem was, Gibbs didn't know what the question was.
"I'm fine," the younger man attempted.
Gibbs just looked at him.
"I got a phone call last night."
"From who?" Gibbs asked.
"Greg Sanders," Tony replied.
"Who's that?"
"Someone who lost the coin toss, apparently. He was notifying the next-of-kin of the death."
"Who's?"
"Michael Keppler, my old partner in Philly. He just transferred out there a month ago. Guess he kept me as his next-of-kin."
Gibbs nodded.
"I'm fine," Tony insisted.
Gibbs simply looked at him.
End flashback
*~*~*~*
"Not everyone who gets close to you dies," Gibbs said, snapping himself out of the memory and the fact that he forgot.
"No," Tony agreed. "Sometimes, it's worse. People would be better off not knowing me."
"And the people you've saved?"
Tony shrugged.
"You think Danica would be better off not knowing you?"
*~*~*~*
Flashback:
Tony cocked his gun outside the apartment door, preparing himself for the worst. "Philadelphia Police," he called out. He waited a moment, getting a quick nod from Mike before kicking open the door. Instantly, the group with him scattered throughout the apartment. Tony made his way toward the back bedroom, finding it locked. "Police," he called again. He forced the door open.
A young girl, no more than six, was curled up in the corner. Her hands and feet were bound, and her mouth gagged. Tony secured his weapon before making his way over to the frightened girl.
"Danica?" he asked softly. At the little girl's nod, he continued. "Danica, my name is Tony. I'm gonna get you out of here, okay?"
She nodded again, and Tony untied her. She quickly reached out and hugged him.
"It's okay, sweetie. You're okay. You're safe now."
End flashback
*~*~*~*
"She still calls you to update you on her life," Gibbs continued, bringing Tony out of his thoughts. "You saved her life."
"Someone else would've had that case, and they would've found her too," Tony countered. "Mike could've found her just as easily without me."
"What about Kyle?"
*~*~*~*
Flashback:
Tony left the coffee shop, taking a sip of his sweetened tea as he walked back to his patrol car. This had to be the easiest assignment ever- the quiet suburbs of Peoria, Illinois. Almost nothing ever happened here.
Except for the kid about to get killed on the corner.
Tony ran over to the situation, dropping his tea in favor of his gun. "Police!" he called out. The two suspects bailed, leaving the kid beaten on the ground. Tony radioed it in, calling for backup and an ambulance as he knelt down next to the kid.
"You okay?" he asked.
The kid managed a nod.
"What's your name, buddy?"
"Kyle," the kid choked out, blood coming down his chin.
"Kyle, I'm Tony. Stay with me, okay?"
Kyle nodded again as Tony began to put pressure on Kyle's bleeding wounds while waiting for the world to arrive.
End flashback
*~*~*~*
"There were other people," Tony said. "They would've helped him."
Gibbs shot him a look.
"Okay, I'll give you that one," Tony conceded. "But there have been others we failed to save."
"There always will be. It's our job to save the ones we can."
Tony sighed.
"And you do that job better than most."
Tony shrugged. "Maybe," he said softly.
"I told you before, Tony. You're irreplaceable."
"Wasn't sure I could believe that. McGee was sitting at my desk."
Gibbs smirked lightly at the memory before saying, "You ever know me to tell you something that wasn't true?"
"Besides the claiming you only had three wives when you really had four?" Tony countered.
Gibbs shrugged.
"No."
Gibbs looked at him.
"Okay, fine, you proved your point." Tony closed his eyes, sighing softly. "I'm sorry."
"Tony," Gibbs started.
"Right. Apologies."
"Don't give up."
Tony opened his eyes, looking over at Gibbs with confusion.
Gibbs said nothing, maintaining Tony's eye contact.
After a moment, Tony said softly, "You got it, Boss."
Gibbs nodded. "It's late. Go upstairs, get some rest."
Tony nodded, too tired to argue. Gibbs stood up before reaching out and helping Tony up. "Thanks, Boss," Tony said softly.
Gibbs nodded again, watching Tony walk up the stairs and hoping that this would be the worst of it. But something in his gut said otherwise.