Chapter 14

Broken

Love is not written on paper, for paper can be erased. Nor is it etched on stone, for stone can be broken. But it is inscribed on a heart and there it shall remain forever.

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine

I don't know how I got here.

I've been driving around stopping off at motels and hotels and a few nights sleeping in the car. My thoughts everywhere and now I am sitting here looking at the front of the building and I don't know how or why.

I picked this place carefully.

My anger at what had happened was not going to permit me to pay the top money for Spencer.

This man ruined me. He took from me everything and I promised myself I would never forgive him – and I won't.

I can still feel the damage he did to me. I can feel where my insides were ripped as he tore his way in. How can I forgive him that? I can't.

I wake up crying.

I wake up screaming.

I wake up shaking.

I wake up wishing I was dead.

And my next thoughts are always Spencer and my image of his hand next to my face…and again I am back in that room and I can feel his skin against mine and I can smell his sweet sweat and my heart dies again.

The cowards way out would be a bullet. I'm not a coward. I have to confront this. Head on.

So after two weeks of soul destroying isolation I am here and I don't know what I want to say to him. I don't know how he is going to react to me.

I do need to do this. I can feel sweat running down the side of my face, but yes…I need to do this to clear my head. Then I can move on.

Flanders.

I need to confront him too, but that will have to wait. I don't know how much of what has happened was Flanders doing. I only know what I felt and what I saw.

I know I was bleeding.

I know I was raped.

I know it was Spencer.

I just don't know why.

Look how white my knuckles are on the steering wheel. My hands have no intention of permitting me to leave the car. They are telling me to drive away but I know I can't ….I have to go and see him. I have to ask him why he did it.

They can't keep him there indefinitely. If there is nothing wrong with him. If he did what he did with conscience and remembers and feels remorse – what do I do then? How do I handle this?

Standing next to the car now. The sun is too hot. In a way it feels good. I can feel it burning my skin. Takes away some of the pain I feel inside. For a few seconds it allows me to think of something else.

The coolness of the interior of the place is almost shocking. It's a fairly new building. Secure. It needed to be secure. Not so he couldn't escape. He's not a prisoner – not really – he is ill. I needed the security of this facility so that Flanders couldn't get in. There are other places. Places where he would maybe have felt more comfortable. Less like a hospital – more like Bennington – but the security was lower and when I was looking for somewhere that was the most important thing.

And so now I am sitting here waiting. They said that they would get him ready for me to see. They said they would let me know and that they would come and get me and now I don't know if I should just stand up and walk away. Maybe this was all I needed to do. Maybe I don't need to see him? I am shaking. My hands are shaking. There is a machine in corner dispensing cool water and my mouth is screaming for moisture but I might be sick if I try to drink something now…I might not be able to hold the paper cup. I might crush it. I might be shaking too much to hold it. I will sit and wait.

I don't know how long I have been here. I feel I should be pacing the room and trying to think of what I am going to say, but how do I know what to say when I've not confronted him yet? How do I know?

Now I am walking down the corridor. They apologised for keeping me so long. There had been a problem. They were sorry. They offered me a drink and I turned it down. They asked if I needed someone with me when I talked to Spencer and I wasn't sure what they meant by that and so I said I was fine. Everything was fine.

Everything was perfect.

-o-o-o-

Spencer had been told that there was someone here to see him. His stomach clenched with excitement. At last Floyd was here for him.

He asked who the visitor was and got no reply.

"Who is it?" he asked again.

"I don't know his name."

"I need to know who it is." Reid was suddenly looking agitated. He was feeling it too…he didn't want to talk to doctors and he didn't want to talk to anyone from the team – people whose names were somewhere filed away in that grey area in the back of his mind.

"Just calm down Spencer. It's a friend. Nothing to get alarmed about." The nurse was putting on her 'don't piss with me Dr Reid' face and it made Spencer want to slap her.

"I am calm. I just wanted to know who it is." He walked behind her as she started to walk down the corridor towards the visitors area. They walked past the room Spencer had seen all the other people go in when they had visitors and down towards a small room with a big door and two way windows. Spencer stopped and looked back the way they had come. This looked like an interrogation room not a comfortable visitors room.

"I'm not – not going in there." He stopped and took steps back. "Sorry. Tell whoever it is…sorry."

The nurse turned to Reid. She had a 'You fucked with me for the last time' expression on her face as she pressed the thing she had around her neck. An alarm button. "You need to relax." She tried to look friendly now but to Spencer she looked like a weight lifting moustached cross dresser from hell and he wasn't going to go in any damned room with her. Not now…not ever. Not in that room. He turned and started to walk back the way he came.

"I have my rights. I – I'm not going in that room!"

This was why Hotch was kept waiting.

Which Aaron thought about having a drink and was looking at his shaking hands and wondering what he was going the say to Reid, Spencer was being pulled to the floor by the orderlies as he shouted and spat and kicked out knowing that that stinging was going to come….knowing that they were going to make him do what they told him.

As the drugs too hold and he finally lay still staring at the ceiling he felt that his sweatpants being removed and he lay unable to move or defend himself as they pulled on fresh clothing and dragged him up off the floor.

They took him to the room he didn't want to go in and opened the door. It was about twelve foot square and had a table in the middle with a chair either side of it. He didn't want to be in there. Something was going to happen. He knew it. He could feel it and he could do nothing to stop it. They let him walk in a groggy line to a chair and watched as he sat. Someone in a suit entered and quiet words were muttered.

'rape'

'sexually adherent.'

He didn't like the sound of it. He didn't want to be in a room with someone like that. What the hell were they doing to him?

He watched as though a million miles away as his hands were pulled forward and cuffed together and then to the big ring attached to the table. He rattled it for a few seconds. Just to make sure. He would have looked stupid if the ring wasn't attached to the table after all…but it was.

Spencer sat looking at his lap and wiggled his bare toes and wondered what next – for a few minutes….until the final slaughter from the drugs, and his mind slipped into a nothingness.

-o-o-o-

Aaron was brought down the corridor and let to see Reid before he went in.

"He's not had a good day. He is quite heavily sedated."

Hotch looked at the man sitting slouched at the table. It didn't look like Reid. It didn't look like anyone he knew. He could see the side of his face and as Hotch's eyes travelled down over Spencer he saw the restraints.

"You said he is sedated – so why is he also restrained?"

"Sir – he isn't nearly as harmless as he may appear."

"But he is sedated. Removed the restraints. I can't talk to him if he is being held there like a prisoner. He is patient."

"He is being held here for his own safety and the safety of the general public sir. He is still undergoing treatment."

"Take the restraints off." Hotch wasn't going to talk to Reid about what had happened like this. Not with him feeling trapped. Then again the whole reason he was here was because of what he had done.

Aaron walked in with an orderly behind him. Hotch just stood by the door as the cuffs were removed and the man stood back. "You can leave us now." Hotch said quietly.

Spencer obviously heard a familiar voice and his head shot up and he looked over at Hotch. He didn't make eye contact and as soon as Reid realised who it was he turned his head back to study his lap.

The door closed silently as Aaron took the seat on the other side of the table to Spencer.

Now he was here he didn't know what to say. He could see the top of Spencer's head and he with one hand wanted to reach out and touch…just to feel that soft hair under his fingers. But he couldn't. The thought of touching Reid made bile rise into his throat and he could feel that the room was suddenly much too hot. He stood and removed the jacket he was wearing…not a suit jacket just a light weight thing to keep the sun off his arms…he had on Tshirt which had a strip of sweat down the back making it stick to his back.

"I need some answers." Hotch suddenly burst out. He had to say something or neither of them would and this was his last chance to find out what happened.

Spencer didn't say anything though.

"I was hoping they would help you."

Now he looked up and peered at Hotch from under his sweaty hair. "You put me here." It wasn't a question.

"To help you."

Spencer shook his head. "I don't need this sort of help. You know how I feel about this – why? Why this." Reid stood up. "What did I do to deserve this treatment? What did I do!" And now he was shouting.

Hotch stood also but stayed with the table between them. "It was just to run some tests and try to sort you out."

"I can't be cured! I am a fag…there is no cure for that." He started to walk around the table.

Hotch stood his ground. "You know full well that is not what I was referring to." Hotch didn't like the expression on Reid's face but he wasn't going to back off from him. That wasn't the reason he was here. "I need to know what happened that day in your apartment."

"What?" Spencer stopped. "What happened?"

Even at the distance Reid was standing…still a few feet between them he could smell his sweat. He could smell him. And not the nice freshly showered Spencer either….this was a dirty sweaty smell and it made Hotch want to be sick. This was a mistake. He needed to get out of the room. He could feel it closing in on him and the smell……….

He could smell it and with the smell the flashbacks of what happened and he could feel the weight of his junior agent on his back and could see his hand and he could feel that damp sticky skin against his own.

"You raped me!" The words were out of Hotch's mouth before he could stop them. "That is what happened." And as he turned his back on Reid he could feel it again. Only this time Reid was attacking. One arm hooked around Hotch's neck and a hard bare footed kick to the back of his knee.

Hotch let out a surprised 'gak' sound as he tried to get the man who was apparently 'sedated' off him.

"Reid – get – off." But he could smell him and feel him and he just wanted to scream. His heart was screaming…his soul was dying and Spencer was in a full on rage attack biting on the back of Hotch's neck.

Spencer felt his teeth go through the skin and he could taste the gush of blood in his mouth. This man accused him of rape and had him locked up. Reid had thought of Hotch as the only person he could rely on ever. The person who gave him comfort. The person who was always there – and now this. Now all he wanted to do was to show him - show him that this was wrong.

"I didn't touch you!" He hissed in Hotch's ear as security rushed into the room. Spencer pulled back harder stopping Hotch from taking a breath. "I didn't do it. You put me here because of some imagined thing in your………………….."

Hotch felt the weight suddenly go as Reid released him and slid to the floor behind him. He spun around and watched as they lay him on the back and stuck more needles in his upper thigh and started to remove him from the room.

"Wait. Wait."

Hotch wanted to hurt him. He had wanted to hurt him. He had wanted to know what had happened, but this wasn't the way. It couldn't be done like this.

"Leave him." Hotch crouched on the floor next to Spencer. "I'm sorry Reid. I am doing this to help you whatever you might think of me – I am sorry. I never wanted this to happen. I never wanted this." Gesticulating around the room. "I just have to know what happened."

"I can't give you the answer you are seeking." Spencer's voice was slurred and distant. "I only know what I was told. I only know that you wanted it. You watched me. You listened to me when I showered. You watched me from your office. You wanted me…and I gave you what you wanted. I butt fucked you and you enjoyed it."

Hotch stood. Reid was correct these weren't the words he had been hoping to hear. He reached out and pushed some hair off Spencer's face. Reid was breathing too fast and too shallow. He wanted to hold him and help him and be there for him, but he couldn't. He had to care for himself before he could care for Reid.

Aaron stood up and stepped back from the man laying on the floor. "Look after him." He muttered as he walked out of the door.

-o-o-o-

Now what am I going to do?

I had hoped I would feel better for seeing him, but now I feel the pain I had before and Spencer's too. I didn't realise he was so ill. They have him on so many different drugs he can't think.

And yes – I know I shouldn't be feeling like this. I need to go and heal and feel whole again. I need to mend myself before I can help Spencer….and I want to. I need to – I have to keep him safe and away from Flanders and I don't know how else to do it!

They have had no enquiries. No one asking to see him. It seems to have worked, but from what I am told the whole thing was odd. Flanders didn't try to stop them taking him. He stood back and allowed it.

They told me how he was covered in bruises. He had been beaten regularly. His back – his arms and legs – the bottoms of his feet even had old wounds on them. Why does Flanders do this, and more to the point why does Spencer let it happen? What is the hold he has?

Stupid question.

That is one I do know the answer to.

Right now – here – sitting in this diner with cold coffee and a stale doughnut I know why Gideon left the way he did. No regrets…and only one goodbye. Was something going on between the two of them. They had a friendship different from everyone elses….

Who else?

Does Morgan see Spencer as something to use and abandon?

I won't do it.

I won't allow Flanders to break me and then get me to abandon Spencer.

I need to go back for him.

But first….

First I have to heal a bit. I need to get my head in the right place and pull myself together…I need to be there for Reid. I won't do it. I won't be like everyone else.