Fast Forward
Chapter 14
Hannah tried to make small steps towards independence every day. Sometimes; it was as small as walking to the mailbox to get mail. She knew how to drive and on Tuesday, after some practice in Mike's truck; she took her driver's test and was the proud owner of a Florida driver's license. Mike and Andrea offered to help her buy a small car but she didn't feel right about it. She was already costing them a lot. Mike's solution was buying her a small, used car and once she got her job; she could start paying the payments, insurance and gas. She was just not in a hurry for them to go to that expense for her. They had five small kids to take care of and her dad was not shy about opening his wallet to give her spending number and Andrea routinely slipped money into her wallet when she refused to take it from Mike.
On Friday; Hannah decided to walk to strip mall where the painting class was. She would get herself a cup of coffee and take a painting class. Andrea offered to drive her or let her take on of their vehicles but it was only three blocks and Hannah wanted the time to herself. Sure, she was nervous but she would have to go out on her own at some point. Besides, she had enough money to get her ears pierced.
She handled the walk and the coffee shop well enough with no problems. The painting place was next to the coffee shop and not terribly crowded. Hannah purchased her items and it was a freelance day; meaning she could paint whatever she wanted. There were examples and she finally picked a landscape with a peaceful stream and mountains. The instructor pretty well left her alone since she could paint with little help; even talking up her picture a bit. Hannah was thrilled with the final product and would be able to take it with her. She opted not to frame it because the frames at the shop were excessively expensive and Andrea was particular about the decorations in her house. She would want the frame to match her others.
Hannah still had enough money to get her ears pierced due to a special they were running. She also stopped at a candy store and got a few treats for the triplets. She would let Andrea give them to them but it was nice to give them something because they were constantly giving her tokens. A toy dinosaur, teddy bear, dolly, and a rock that Tommy insisted she needed. She had refused the spider he tried to give her. And Eli tried to share her baby food the night before. The pureed peas were not Hannah's favorite.
As uneventful as her trip out had been; she was glad to get home. Being out was exhausting. Mike, Andrea and the kids were all in the backyard and so Hannah stowed the treats away where the triplets wouldn't find them and put the painting in Mike and Andrea's room when she went upstairs to change into her swimsuit. She left her cellphone in her room, choosing to concentrate on her family. There had been something familiar about the date but she couldn't place it.
The kids and Mike were swimming, and Andrea was sitting on the swing in the sunroom occupying the babies and Hannah sat down next to her and took Elli. The baby girl started trying to chew on Hannah's swimsuit and Hannah looked at Andrea, confused.
"She's cutting a tooth. Your dad was up with her most of the night. I woke up about five and he had brought her into bed with us and was holding her on his chest. He doesn't like having the babies in bed with us. The triplets are one thing but not the babies. Course; today is a rough day for him anyway. I think he needed to cuddled." Andrea told her and Hannah still couldn't put two and two together.
"Okay, I don't mean to sound dense but what is significant about today? I keep thinking it's familiar but I have kind of lost track of time." Hannah asked quietly while eyeing her father who was playing with the triplets.
"Quinn's birthday. He went to the cemetery while you were out. I think he needed some time alone there. He has a rough time on their birthdays and his and your mom's anniversary." Andrea told her and Hannah felt terribly. She hadn't even acknowledged it or remembered her older sister's birthday. But what was the proper way to acknowledge it? Did they have a party?
"What do you typically do? I never knew the date when I was with El Norte so I never marked important days." Hannah asked, at a complete loss.
"This is not your dad's norm. He would stay in bed on your birthdays, Father's Day and the anniversary. The fact that he's functioning; albeit not well, is a shock." Andrea told her.
"Oh. I wonder what's different about today?" Hannah questioned.
"You. You make it a bit more bearable. But it doesn't take the hurt completely away. He feels a lot of guilt where Quinn is concerned. That she suffered, was scared. Don't get me wrong; he misses Lucas too and he hurts for him but the circumstances of Quinn's death has always bothered him. Try as you might; you can't fix that. Nothing really can." Andrea told her quietly. They were both watching Mike closely.
"So, how do I help him?" Hannah asked.
"I am not sure. I don't think bringing it up is a good idea. If he does, go with it but otherwise, just be around." Andrea told her as she cuddled Eli close; apparently thinking of Lily.
"Maybe I shouldn't have gone this morning." Hannah said quietly.
"You took a big step this morning and he's proud of that. Besides, I think he really needed to go to the cemetery alone. It was nothing against you. He hates crying in front of people. Your dad carries a lot of pain, grief and guilt with him. When he and I first started dating; I wanted to make it better for him but then I realized; I couldn't but what I could do was hold him on the bad days and just give him his distance when he needs it. You can do the same." Andrea reassured her.
"I suppose. How do you know what he needs?" Hannah asked.
"It's hard to explain but you'll know. You've put Elli to sleep." Andrea pointed out. Sure enough, the baby was sound asleep in Hannah's arms. Looking down at her; Hannah realized that Elli resembled Quinn closely. Quinn had looked a lot like Mike, while Hannah resembled Christine closely. Lucas had been a mix of Mike and Christine. Kendall and Kami looked like Andrea while Tommy and Eli were kind of a mix of Mike and Andrea. Elli was all Mike like Quinn had been. It had to be hard for him to look at Elli and be reminded of Quinn.
"Care if I put her down so I can swim?" Hannah asked.
"Not at all. You don't have to hold them constantly." Andrea teased.
"I love holding them. They have no expectations. Just want to be held, fed, changed and loved on. And they can't hurt you. That's the biggie. And the triplets are pretty much the same. Everyone else can hurt me." Hannah told her quietly; not meaning to hurt her.
"Honey, I understand what you're saying but please know; your dad and I would never, ever deliberately hurt you. We are not perfect parents but we love you guys a lot. I realize, right now; it seems that everyone in your life has hurt you and you are perhaps right; but I promise, Dad and I would never do it deliberately." Andrea assured her.
"I know. I didn't mean it that way." Hannah told her.
"Okay. Just as long as you know." Andrea told her as Hannah laid Elli down in the playpen. The baby was beyond sweet and Hannah stroked her wispy, blonde curls. Quinn's hair had been long and a bit wild but had the same curls that Hannah had envied. That was their mother's contribution, curls. And Mike had curlier hair when he was younger, causing Elli's curls. "It does bother him. He loves Elli but she reminds him of Quinn. And today, he just can't. I just hope as she gets older and this day rolls around again, she'll understand why her daddy can't be around her. He did alright through the night but by this morning; it just hurt too badly." Andrea said quietly as they both stood over the playpen and watched Elli sleeping.
"She will. And then the next day, she will cuddle up close to him and he will love it." Hannah said.
"He loves her but today is a tough day. He'll get through it. And he really is better today than in years past. He's not in bed." Andrea told her and hugged her close.
"I am really glad he's had you to see him through all this. What I went through was hard but I hate how much he's suffered. To know that he had you and a lot of good friends; makes it so much easier." Hannah said as she put her head on Andrea's shoulder. Christine had been okay but she struggled with the basics of being a mom; Andrea didn't struggle with that.
"Your dad carried me through a lot of bad times. He carried a lot of people when he had lost more than most of us. It was the least any of us could do. What happened next between him and I…was a surprise but I promise he and I never…until he knew about your mom and had mourned for her." Andrea assured her.
"It's okay. I know he and my mom had an odd relationship. They loved one another but I don't know that they should have been together. I know they only got married because of her being pregnant with Quinn. They did care about each other despite all that." Hannah told Andrea.
"He grieves for her. She was the mother of three of his children. She will always have a piece of his heart regardless of how their relationship started or what it consisted of. He will be the first to admit; their relationship was far from perfect, but the takeaway is, they loved strongly and they did three things perfectly; you, Quinn and Lucas. I realize your mom struggled with being a typical mother but I did watch her in action. Yes, she struggled with the finer points but she had the most important thing down to a fine art; she loved her husband and kids unconditionally. Nothing else really matters. Just remember that. Despite all her failings, she did love you unconditionally. She wanted you to be happy and she was terrified that your education would cause you to do something you were unhappy with. Take you down a road that you would be dissatisfied with. A lot of pressure on you, then and now." Andrea told her.
"I want to right wrongs and so that's why I am taking that position but I promise; if it isn't right, I will quit and find something else. I really enjoyed my painting class. The painting is in your room. And I got my ears pierced and got coffee…oh, and I got the triplets some treats. I put them on top of the fridge so you can give them it when you're ready." Hannah said with a smile.
"Thanks, sweetie. Why don't you go swim for a bit? And the earrings look nice. Once they get healed up; your dad kept some of your mom's jewelry; mostly her earrings. I know he will want you to have them. We just hadn't given it any thought." Andrea told her as she hugged her closely.
"I don't remember Mom ever wearing much jewelry. Her wedding band and engagement ring; and earrings. She also had this necklace she wore a lot." Hannah remembered.
"He has those. I don't know where he found them at but he could never let them go. Now, he has you to give them to." Andrea reassured her.
"If he wants?" Hannah asked.
"I'm sure he does." Andrea said with a smile. She knew her husband well.
"I would like to have them." Hannah said simply. She was grabbing a beach towel and had opened the door to the sunroom to go outside into the yard.
"I'll tell him. Just not today. Today is not a good day." Andrea assured her as she sat back down on the swing with Eli. As Hannah got closer to Mike and got in the pool; she could see the sadness behind his smile. He was holding Kendall away from him as she paddled. He was trying to teach her how to swim but was lacking in patience.
"No, Kendall, you got to kick your feet." Mike told the little girl.
"I'm tryin,' Daddy. Its hard." Kendall told him and Hannah could see a hint of anger in his eyes. It scared her slightly and she was worried that without Kendall's arm floaties, Mike would let her go and the little girl would drown. Again, with the same fears as a few days before. Kendall had a blind trust that Mike wouldn't let her go but Hannah was not certain of that. She found herself swimming closer to save Kendall. Tommy and Kami had swimming down and were happily swimming on the shallow end with their floaties on. Kendall had struggled with a fear of water, something Mike didn't like at all.
"Kendall, let go of my hands. You'll be fine." Mike assured the little girl, apparently not noticing how panicked Hannah was becoming.
"But I don't have my floaties on, Daddy?" Kendall asked with a scared tone. She was kicking and moving her arms all around and would be fine but wouldn't let Mike go. Hannah was shocked when Mike finally let loose of Kendall's hands. She didn't think he would actually do it. It was horrifying.
"See, you're floating. I knew you could do it. Now, I pushed you back; can you swim to me?" Mike asked Kendall who immediately began trying to maneuver to him. After she had gotten slightly closer; he picked her up and started tickling her. Hannah tried to control her breathing, now knowing that Kendall was alright. She had to stop being scared of him and fearing that he would harm his own children.
"I was really swimming, Daddy?" Kendall asked between giggles and trying to tickle Mike back.
"Yep, you were. Now; I don't want you going to the deep end or trying to swim without your floaties. And no putting your head under the water just yet, okay?" Mike told Kendall.
"Okay, Daddy! Can I go over to Kami and Tommy, please?" Kendall asked Mike as she pointed to her brother and sister. Mike began walking her to them when he passed by Hannah and squeezed her shoulder as walked by.
"Just remember, okay?" Mike told Kendall as he sat her down next to Kami and Tommy.
"Yes, Daddy. I love you." Kendall told him sweetly as he put her arm floaties back on.
"I love you too, sweetheart." Mike said as he picked her back up and gave her a kiss on the cheek. While his back was turned; Hannah had calmed herself down somewhat. Mike sat Kendall back down and she began splashing with Kami and Tommy and then he walked back to Hannah. "Are you okay? You look terrified." Mike asked.
"I thought…you'd let her drown. This is not normal." Hannah said as she sobbed into Mike's shoulder. She had wanted to be stronger for him. It was a bad day for him but he was having to comfort her.
"I would have never let her drown. I promise. It's okay, baby." Mike comforted her. He had turned her to where he could still watch the triplets playing and she had burrowed into his chest. She felt safe with someone who she thought would kill a three-year-old moments before. It was confusing at best.
"I should be…stronger. I know its Quinn's birthday and I know that's hard on you." Hannah said quietly. She was trying to calm herself down for his benefit.
"It's okay. Quinn isn't here and I can't help her. I can help you. That is what she would want me to do. She was incredibly selfless. I can't explain it but I have this odd peace where she is concerned. She wants me to care for you. Doesn't mean that I am going to stop missing her or wishing she was here but I need to do something that would honor her and Lucas. I really don't know how but I do think they would want me to take care of you, as long as you will allow me to." Mike told her as he drew back and looked at her in the eyes. There was still sadness but also a strength.
"She would be really proud of you. She sure loved you." Hannah told him. She didn't mean to hurt him but felt he needed to know. Quinn had always been a Daddy's girl and it was always their dad she sought out when she didn't feel well.
"I sure loved her too. And you and Lucas. I had a dream about her last night…when Elli let me sleep. She basically told me I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself because of her, Lucas and your mom dying. That I had you back and I had Andrea and the kids. It still hurts and I miss her but in the dream; she looked healthy. Not in pain. At peace. She was kind of upset with me in the dream for how I've acted in the past; hence me being up and going today. I will admit, it's hard and going to the cemetery was rough but it is still better than not getting out of bed all day." Mike said as he stroked her hair.
"I am really glad. She would want that. Mom and Lucas too." Hannah assured him as she reached up and gave him a kiss on the cheek.
"I hope. I see you got your ears pierced. How was your outing otherwise?" Mike asked. They had both sat up on the edge of the pool so they could watch the triplets playing.
"It was good. I went and got coffee before my painting class. And went to the candy store and got the triplets a treat for later. I am exhausted from all that though." Hannah told him.
"Good for you though. I'm proud of you." Mike told her.
"Thanks, but maybe not after the triplets eat their treat. Chocolate?" Hannah remarked.
"Oh, God. Hannah, what did you do?" Mike teased.
"I did get enough for you and Andrea by the way. I know you love chocolate." Hannah teased back.
"Okay, that's better. I love you, chocolate or not." Mike told her.
"I love you too, Daddy." Hannah said as she jumped down into the water and swam towards the triplets. Mike had to smile at the image even though he was still sad. He missed his oldest daughter terribly, more than he would ever let on.