Okay I know I said this was the last chapter but I started writing and realized it will take two chapters to finish this off so... hope you enjoy!
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He started doing strange things.
The dog that was. At first he'd walk up and seemed to sniff and paw at her stomach causing Erin to wonder if she had dropped food on her shirt. Then he started laying across her lap when she'd watch tv, trying to burrow into her stomach. She was all for cuddling with Alfie but at about a hundred pounds he was far from a lap dog. And he needed to leave her stomach the hell alone.
One day while she was out for a walk with him she accidentally bumped into a man walking the other way, spilling her coffee. Both Erin and the man rushed to apologize, the man reaching out instictively towards her coffee stained shirt as he asked if she was okay. Alfie pushed between them barking and growling. His behaviour shocked Erin. The man posed no threat to her and Alfie had long since outgrew his fear and irrational behaviour around strangers in the past three years.
Almost two weeks after the strange behaviour began Erin was making small talk with the receptionist, Ava, at the fertility clinic. She was back in for more tests but she already knew what the results would be. Now at the end of their forth cycle of hormone treatments Erin wasn't holding out much hope that they'd been successful, she hadn't managed to ovulate despite sticking herself with needles full of stuff that Jay dubbed 'magic baby making juice' that made her head crazy, her body feel weird and her emotions raw. She was starting to prepare herself for the reality that their baby was going to be conceived under a microscope in a petri dish and then inserted into her. It was about the least romantic thing she could imagine. The receptionist got a funny smile on her face when Erin started talking about how strange Alfie was acting lately. Erin didn't think much of it. She knew she sounded like a crazy dog lady.
She dutifully took her little plastic jar to the bathroom, remembering a time when she'd had to pee in a cup to keep her job. The whole process seemed cold and clinical. Even their love making was now controlled by numbers and science. She understood why couples with infertility issues were three times as likely to separate, one of many many facts the nurse practitioner had laid on them during their first real appointment. She'd handed them pamphlets on couples counselling along with other helpful pamphlets on diet, exercise, stress reduction and the side affects if hormone treatments. And that was all before the doctor came in the room. They'd read them all and then Jay had googled even more information and even found videos for them to watch online. He stocked the fridge with foods that were supposed to help with fertility. She'd become so overwhelmed trying to remember when the best time to eat certain foods were and which position to lay in after sex and all the other gazillion helpful ways to make their treatments a success she lost her shit one night after starting this last round.
"I said I want a damn cheese burger," she'd screamed at Jay when he'd tried to talk her into yet another one of his 'baby making meals' for dinner. "I don't give a shit how much fibre or protein is in that soup, I'm not a god damn lab rat! And I'm sick of being treated like one. One fucking cheese burger isn't gonna make a god damn difference!"
Jay froze, eyes wide. Alfie, who'd been chewing on a toy near Erin's feet got up and slipped in behind Jay the way he always did whenever he thought he was in trouble with her.
"Erin, I," Jay began.
"You what? What Jay? You're just trying to be helpful? Supportive? Remind me of everything I'm doing wrong? You have no fucking clue what it's like. It's not your body that gets stuck with needles, it's not your blood they take, it's not your vagina they poke and probe, it's not you that has to remember to do fifty fucking thousand things a day to try and force your body to make a baby and it's not you that feels like a useless idiot when it doesn't work!"
She watched a barage of emotions cross Jay's face and for a moment she'd expected him to scream back at her, or worse, walk out. She regretted her words immediately, knowing damn well Jay was trying to do everything he could to be present and supportive through this. He'd gone to every doctors appointment, surprised her with a spa day to help her relax and forget the stress and intrusiveness of everything she was going through, and he went out of his way to make romantic evenings to help keep things from feeling so clinical and planned in the bedroom. He didn't scream back and he didn't leave.
"Get your coat," he'd almost whispered as he turned to turn off the stove. "If we leave now we can probably get a table at The Pig. Unless you want to go elsewhere but they make you're favourite cheese burger." She could hear him trying to contain his emotions.
"Jay, I'm sorry,I didn't mean to..."
"Just get your coat," he said cutting her off.
The drive was painfully quiet and the food, although she was sure it was prepared with its usual perfection, tasted bland and pasty. Erin forced it down anyway, too scared of what Jay would do if she didn't eat it after she'd acted like a complete lunatic.
She excused herself to the bathroom after she finished, more to get a moment of reprieve from the tension between them. She kicked herself mentally. She couldn't keep her shit together. She was overwhelmed and out of control and hated it. Jay had been wonderful throughout the whole process. She knew his overzealousness had simply just been his way of being supportive. Jay never did anything halfway. She should be grateful she had a man like him and she knew this was hard on him too. He'd take her place in a minute if he could, she had no doubt. She collected herself and headed back to the table. Tears filled her eyes when she got there. A slice of chocolate blackout cake, her favourite dessert on the planet, was placed in front of her seat waiting for her. She looked over at Jay.
"I'm sorry, you're right. I took it way to far, I just.." he started.
"No, Jay you didn't, I acted like a lunatic. It's me that needs to apologize," she said shakily while she sat down.
They stared across the table at each other for a long moment, having always communicated best that way. Jay reached across the table and offered his hand. Erin took it without hesitation.
"Let's take a month off, after this cycle. Just forget about it, have some fun, maybe a weekend away?" He suggested.
"Sure," she agreed.
"And I'll back off with all the food and stuff,"
Erin shook her head. "I appreciate it Jay, I do it's just,"
"It makes you think about it too much," he finished her sentence for her.
"Everyone keeps telling me to relax," she tried to explain.
"And it's impossible if it's all anyone talks to you about," he finished for her again.
She nodded. "I love you," she said not knowing how else to put into words how she felt.
"I love you too, just tell me what you need and that's what I'll do, okay?" He squeezed her hand.
She nodded again. "I really am sorry I lost it earlier," she said again.
It was Jay's turn to nod. They sat holding hands in silence once more, but this time it was the comfortable space they loved to share.
Eventually Jay smiled cheekily and produced a fork, "how about we call it even and you split your cake with me?"
Erin pretended to think about his offer for a minute before she smiled back and pushed the plate into the centre of the table for them to share.
The drive home was much different then the one to the restaurant. Jay reached over and laced Erin's fingers through his, placing their joined hands high on her thigh and stealing glances at her while he drove. She ran her thumb softly up and down over his, biting her lip in anticipation of how she'd properly apologize when they got home.
Her plans were delayed when the reality that Alfie needed to be walked greeted them at the front door. Jay insisted on taking him and Erin took advantage of her time alone to prepare Jay's apology.
The apartment was mostly dark when he got back from walking the dog. Jay had gotten the vibe in the car there'd be some making up when they got home but it appeared Erin had gone to bed. He tried not to be disappointed, she was clearly exhausted and whatever the hell was in those hormone injections had turned his girl into an unpredictable, emotional nightmare. Although he'd never say that out loud, not even when she wasn't around. He didn't have a death wish. He'd been biting his tongue a lot lately reminding himself that once they were done making a baby he'd get his Erin back. He had nothing but empathy for her with what the doctors were putting her though and was in awe she'd endured as much as she had already.
Jay headed to the bedroom, figuring he'd at least kiss her goodnight. He rounded the corner and when he spied her a huge smile crept across his face. Erin lay across the bed wearing his favourite black silk and lace nightie.
"Though maybe you'd enjoy my apology more like this," she teased.
Jay didn't answer, just stripped if his shirt, dropped his jeans and climbed on the bed beside her.
He lay next to her and softly teased his finger tips up and down her arm, then leg. Her eyes were dilated with desire, her breathing shallow as she reached up to run her hands over his chest. He smiled softly at her, dipped his head to kiss her gently then pulled back to look at her again. She was smiling back at him now as she slid her fingers into his hair and pulled him down for a deeper kiss.
They made love, slow and sweet, savouring the feel and taste of each other, the way they use to before it became all about making a baby. Afterwards they snuggled in close, arms and legs tangled in each other and drifted to sleep. It was the most relaxed Erin felt in a long time.
"So ready?" The technician asked, interrupting Erin's memories of that passionate night. Erin's head jerked up. She'd been sitting on the edge of the exam table in a gown waiting for, rather dreading her arrival. Apparently the plan had changed after she saw the nurse and she was getting another ultrasound today.
"Yeah, let's get this over with," Erin said trying to be friendly and laying back. But to Erin's surprise and relief the technician began preparing her belly for exam. "You're not doing an internal one?"
"Not just yet," the technician said flatly offering no more explanation.
Erin lay still and confused while the wand ran over her abdomen, at points pushing hard into her pelvic area. After a few minutes she excused herself leaving Erin laying in the semi darkness wishing Jay was there with her. This was the first appointment he'd missed but Hank had called this morning insisting he needed Jay on a scene asap.
The technician returned with the doctor in tow. He said hello then hovered over the technicians shoulder squinting at the monitor while she again ran the wand over Erin's pelvic region. They exchanged quiet words Erin didn't understand.
"Is everything okay?" She asked, finally finding her voice.
The doctor looked over and smiled at her. "Why don't you go get dressed and we'll talk then," he said wiping the gel off Erin's stomach.
She felt sick. She had no idea what they'd found so interesting, or was it concerning? She had a hard time making out their facial expressions in the darkened room, but she was nervous now. She fumbled with her clothes, as she tried to dress. The residue from the ultrasound gel made her shirt stick to her stomach uncomfortably, she, as usual, wished she could just go home and shower off the appointment.
Thankfully when she returned to the exam room the doctor was waiting for her.
"So I have some news," he began. "It seems this round was successful."
Erin stared at him blankly trying to process his words. The doctor smiled at her, he was likely use to women acting like complete idiots in his office.
"Erin, you're pregnant," he said enthusiastically, "congratulations dear!"
"I am?" She asked dumbfounded.
The doctor nodded and started explaining what they'd seen in the ultrasound. Erin felt dizzy and she couldn't focus on his words. She caught something she though meant the baby was attached to her uterine wall in a way the doctor was apparently quite pleased with but most of what he said was lost.
Erin's mind flew back to the night she'd freaked out on Jay and he took her to the Purple Pig, she smiled. That must have been when it happened.
"Ah there we go," the doctor chuckled when he saw her smile, "I know it can be hard to believe at first but you really are pregnant Erin," he reassured her.
She managed to mumble her way through the rest of the appointment still stunned by the news. When she got back to the receptionist desk Ava smiled at her.
"Congratulations," she said quietly. "I knew you were pregnant as soon as you started telling me about Alfie's antics. My dog acted like that with all three of my babies," she laughed. "I'm so happy for you!"
Erin nodded and tried to smile but she still hadn't got her barings. The office felt small and she needed to escape. She quickly said her goodbyes and headed down to the car.
She sat behind the wheel for a long time staring at nothing. "I'm pregnant," she whispered over and over. "Pregnant," but no matter how many times she said it she still couldn't believe it. Eventually her trance was broken by her phone ringing. She looked at the screen. Jay's name lit it up.
"Oh my god!" She choked out. She felt guilty and heart broken all at once. The one appointment he missed... he'd be so disappointed. "Hi," she answered shakily.
"Hey," he said "just checking in, figured you'd be back at the district by now but we just got in and you're not here."
Erin couldn't speak, trying to fight back the urge to cry. Hearing his voice broke her fog of disbelief and she was suddenly terrified. She was pregnant. Her, Erin Lindsay. She had a life growing inside her. A person. Someone who was going to depend on her and look to her for guidance. How was she going to do this? What had she been thinking?
"Erin?" Jay asked becoming concerned.
A strangled sob slipped out.
"Erin? What's wrong? Where are you?" Jay asked more forcefully.
She took a hiccupped breath. "I'm, I'm at the doctors, in the parking lot."
"Stay there," he ordered, the unsteadiness of her voice sending panic through him. "I'm coming to you."
He found her gripping the steering wheel staring blankly ahead, a few tears staining her cheeks, and cursed Voight to hell. The one appointment he missed and something had gone horribly wrong. He opened Erin's door, careful not to startle her, and crouched down beside her trying to pull her into him.
It took a few minutes before she could form words.
"Erin what happened," Jay coaxed.
She wiped her hands over her face and looked up at him. She felt like an idiot for obviously scaring him but the news had shocked her. It was the last thing she was expecting to hear today.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you, it's just when they told me, I didn't know what to do, it didn't sink in and then you weren't here and I guess just all these months of stress, and I just lost it I guess," she said rambling nonsense.
Jay tried to make sense of what she was trying to tell him. "When they told you what Erin?" He asked, his mind still racing down a list of all the horrible things that could be wrong with her.
"They, umm, they did an ultrasound, they said," she stopped and took a breath. This wasn't how she wanted to tell him. She needed to pull her shit together. She took one more calming breath. "I'm pregnant," she said with as much confidence as she could muster.
She watched Jay's face as her words sunk in. He's concern turned to confusion, she didn't blame him for that she was a raving lunitic after all, then surprise, then a huge smile broke out across his face.
"You're?" He asked disbelievingly.
"Yeah," she couldn't help but smile at the look on his face.
"Are you, is it okay?" He asked, his hand moving around to her flat tummy.
An involuntary giggle escaped her lips. Not thirty seconds into finding out he was going to be a dad and Jay was already in full blown overprotective mode.
"Yeah," she said. "The doctor said he was happy with the way things looked. We go back again in a couple weeks to check if everything is good and then they'll transfer us to my obgyn if everything is still good. At least I think that's what he said. I don't know. I was a bit overwhelmed," She confessed.
Jay let out a long breath. "You scared the shit out of me."
"I know, I'm sorry, I just, it was just overwhelming and then you called and I felt so guilty you weren't here and,"
He interrupted her with a firm kiss on the lips.
"Cheese burgers," he laughed.
"What?"
"Cheese burgers, best baby making food on earth!" He proclaimed remembering the night they'd had Purple Pig.
They both burst out laughing.