A/N: Sorry for the delay. My Victoria Day long weekend included a 12-hour round trip "jaunt" to Jasper, followed by a midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show, followed by cycles of sleep and coffee ad nauseum. I'm just barely starting to feel vaguely human again. Plus the upload function was down. But I'm back and I hope you like this new chapter!
Song title borrowed from the Fountains of Wayne song "A Bright Future in Sales". After reading an ingenious story/songfic titled "Scranton Mix Tape" by Bears Eat Beets (HIGHLY recommended story, by the way!) I decided that making an online mixtape/playlist of all the songs used in my fic might be fun and helpful for you to listen to. So I made one -- listen through it at your leisure, with the story or without, and if you like what you hear then support the artists whose songs I've been borrowing from by buying their albums! Win-win! :) Go to www . playlist . com / node / 34686013 (spaces added so you can read it) I'll add a new song with each chapter I update!
Friday morning. Scranton. The office staff is busy, or looking busy, at their computers. Pam is at her desk; Jim at his. They avoid looking at one another. Michael walks in, late as usual. The camera catches him make a motion for Jim and Pam to accompany him into his office. They sheepishly leave their desks, Pam clasping her hands in front of her, and Jim with his hands in his pockets. The camera watches as they sit down in Michael's office, and as Dwight's face registers his disgust.
Jim (V.O.): Once upon a time, in a faraway kingdom called Dunder Mifflin Scranton, there was a beautiful receptionist named Pam and a lowly salesman named Jim who really liked each other a lot. So much so, in fact, that they told a white lie to the de facto King of Dunder Mifflin Scranton, named Michael, so that they could spend some time together. However, in this same kingdom, there was also an evil desk troll named Dwight who apparently couldn't stand anyone else's happiness. Dwight found out about Pam and Jim's secret meeting. Dwight told Michael.
(Camera cuts to Jim, sitting in the conference room)
Jim (talking head, cont'd): Now Michael was… surprisingly okay about it and let the pair off with a warning. It seemed like a happy ending. (Pause) But despite all of that… Jim might still have to kill Dwight.
--
Dwight (talking head): Yes, I saw Pam at the airport. Yes, I told Michael. Yes, I had my suspicions all along. He told me he had company… female company… (narrows his eyes as he looks in the camera) but I never imagined it was Pam. (Pause) Their lies cost the company. If Pam wanted a holiday, she should have booked time off. Their blatant abuse of the trust of this office and their co-workers is appalling, and would certainly be grounds for dismissal if I were Regional Manager. I wouldn't even have to worry about replacements. I know ten people I could call now who could replace Pam by lunchtime.
--
In the conference room, later that same day. Dwight is sitting across the table from Jim; Michael sits at the head of the table. Jim and Dwight stare at each other for an uncomfortable period of time before Dwight leans back in his chair and lets out a heavy sigh.
Michael: Team building, it's what's for dinnaaaah... (laughs to himself, then clears his throat when he realizes no one else is laughing) Jim, Dwight, you were gone for three days. Tell me what you accomplished.
Jim: (mockingly) If we just put our minds to it, Dwight and I can accomplish anything. Right Dwight?
Dwight: (pointing at Jim) I can't believe that you believe this.
Jim: I can't believe you're still talking.
Michael: Is this still about the whole Pam debacle? (To Dwight) Come on, Dwight. Be a team player! Let's not make this a bigger deal than it is.
Dwight: It's not about that.
Jim: Then what is it about?
Dwight: I… okay, fine, I do resent the fact that Jim and Pam used company time to be together.
Michael: Fair enough. (To Jim) What do you say to that?
Jim: Well, maybe my personal life should be none of Dwight's business.
Dwight: Maybe your personal life should stay at home and not be brought on business trips.
Jim: I still fail to see how this is any of your concern, Dwight.
Dwight: As ranking number…
Jim: You still rank? Wow, news to me.
(Dwight narrows his eyes at Jim, who smirks at the camera. Michael looks awkwardly at his sales team)
Michael: Okay, okay… let's be grown up. (He scribbles on a pad of paper, handing the sheet to Dwight) Read it.
Dwight: (reads it) No way. I'm not saying this.
Michael: (Calmly) Go ahead. We'll wait.
(Jim waits patiently; Dwight seems to go over his options mentally before heaving a sigh)
Dwight: Fine.
Michael: Good. Wonderful. Pretend I'm not here.
Dwight: (looking around the room) Jim… .
Jim: Yes, Dwight?
Dwight: I… appreciate… the things you do for Dunder Mifflin. (in a monotonous, flat voice) You are an accomplished salesman and I am glad to share my workspace with you. (looks up at Michael) Are you serious?
Michael: Don't ruin it, Dwight.
Jim: (with mock surprise on his face) Why thank you, Dwight. And I'm sorry that I made you an accomplice to Pam's playing hooky from work.
Dwight: (cautiously, in a low voice) Apology grudgingly accepted.
Michael: See! That wasn't so bad! (He hands Jim a piece of paper) Let's keep the dialogue going, see where it takes us.
Jim: (smirking) All right... Dwight, did you enjoy your time in Canada?
Dwight: (flatly) Not as much as you did.
Jim: (motioning to Dwight) How can I work with this?
Michael: Dwight, play along.
Dwight: Under extreme duress, and only because you asked. (To Jim) I'm glad to be home, if that's what you mean.
Jim: So… you didn't have a good trip?
Dwight: For starters, you lied. I don't like being lied to. And secondly, did you hear the way they talk? They call the trunks of their cars "boots". They have coins called "loonies" and "toonies". They add "eh" after every thing they say. And what the hell is a "double-double"?
Jim: (glancing at the camera and stifling a laugh) It's something to do with beer.
Dwight: I don't care, Jim. There's a reason we're bigger than they are.
Jim: Actually, Canada is bigger. (Pause) And on top.
Dwight: That's sick.
Jim: You thought of it.
Dwight: I did… (pauses in mid-sentence and closes his mouth).
Michael: I like Canada. I wish I had been allowed to go on the trip. It sounds like fun.
Dwight: (with a sneer) You didn't even know where Halifax was.
Michael: You were the one who told me it was near Albany.
Dwight: Well it is… relatively close… .
Jim: (to himself, but loud enough for Dwight to hear) Maybe a double double is a kinky sex act.
(Dwight scoffs at Jim's comment and turns his attention back to Michael)
Michael: (continuing) That doesn't matter.
Dwight: How can you like Canada if you don't know where anything is?
Jim: (again, to himself) Like maybe it's where you get four people and you take two of the… .
Dwight: Is that all you think about?
Jim: (nodding) Yeah, I'll bet they invented it to keep warm on those cold Canadian winter nights.
Michael: (oblivious) I like the Maple Leafs.
Dwight: Nobody likes the Maple Leafs.
Jim: Don't the Penguins play the Leafs tonight?
Michael: Who are the Penguins? (confused) What are we talking about?
Jim: (glancing at the camera with a smirk) Double doubles.
Dwight: (slamming a hand flat on the table) I don't want to hear anymore about your double-double, Jim.
Michael: (laughing) That's what she said!
Jim: (puzzled) Is it really what she said?
Michael: (thinks about it) Why couldn't she say it?
Jim: (with the bemused look of a thinker) It doesn't sound like something she'd say.
Michael: No?
Jim: Who is she anyway?
(Michael laughs awkwardly, and Jim smiles at the camera. Dwight, frustrated, stands up and leaves the conference room, leaving Jim leaning back in his chair, grinning)
--
A few moments later:
Jim: (concentrating on his computer screen) Seriously, Dwight, that display back there... I'm disappointed that our friendship means so little to you that you could let this interfere with our ability to be cordial.
Dwight: (also focusing on his computer) I did what I had to do. I am loyal to Michael and this company.
Jim: (feigning sadness) It's fine that you don't care about me, but what about Pam? (he eyes the camera)
Dwight: What about her?
Jim: She was just starting to feel comfortable in the office… (shakes head sadly) It wasn't what you think, Dwight. I was just trying to help her along the path of recovery. All that progress has been undone, I'm afraid. Especially if everyone in the office were to find out about what went on? Who have you told anyway?
Dwight: Only Michael. (thoughtful) Why, what's the matter with her?
Jim: I'd be betraying her trust if I told you. You'll have to ask her yourself.
Dwight: (suddenly concerned) Is it serious?
Jim: (looks at the camera with a carefully concealed grin, then levels his gaze at Dwight) Very serious.
Dwight: But in the hotel room… you and your "lady friend"… .
(Jim nods. Dwight looks back at Pam, eyeing her curiously)
Dwight: (with sudden realization) Do you mean…?
Jim: (leaning over his desk, whispering) You can't tell Pam that you know.I was only trying to help her. She would be mortified.
Dwight: Okay. (he nods knowingly) Don't worry, Jim. My lips are sealed.
(Jim nods slowly, extending a fist for Dwight to "pound". Then he glances at the camera with a grin and looks back to his computer)
--
Jim (talking head, in the kitchen): Convincing Dwight that Pam is a recovering sex addict might be the highlight of this whole thing. And it was Pam's idea. (Laughs to himself as he peeks around the fridge to see where Dwight is)If I play my cards right, maybe I can keep this going until Christmas. I can't believe how easy it was. Pam'll never believe me. (He looks again to find that Pam is not at her desk) Well, I'll tell her when she gets back. She was just there, wasn't she? Is it lunch time already? (glances at his watch and shrugs) Pam never leaves unless it's lunch.
(While the camera adjusts its focus on Jim, a noise is heard in the office. Jim turns and the camera catches the sight of Roy barging into the room)
Roy: Where the fuck is Jim Halpert?!