Erk, I can't believe I was such a pompous bighead in my last chapter notes. What can I say, I'd had a great day at work, and if you've ever been in a kitchen when it's all happening and it's flowing, um, it's a high like no other. I get all strange for the rest of the day!!! Rest assured that the monster is now back in her box, so if everyone could forget that line about the freezer and the onions, which I've now removed anyway, I'd appreciate it. (Because I still can't believe I said that!)

Disclaimer: I'm too sick to think any of semi-interesting disclaimers, so I guess you'll have to refer to the other ones!

14: Fell.

Though I want you badly

I can get uneasy

Sometimes inside you

It gets too much for me

At a time like this I'd really like to go up to that damned hat and ask it what the hell it thought it was doing, putting me in this house. I mean come on, do I seem particularly brave to you right now? It's like I spent all my courage in one huge burst, and now it's gone, not likely to return any time soon. I feel like a highly strung animal being led to a place I don't want to go as I follow her to the library. I can do this. I can. How could this be harder than telling mum? But when we get there and I see Harry automatically going towards that portrait in the far corner, too familiar for my liking, I rear back a little, choking out a refusal.

"No Hermione, not in there." It doesn't look as if she likes that idea either by the frown on her face.

"I agree. Wait here." Wow, where did her sudden determination come from? She goes over to him and whispers something I cannot hear. Sincerely hoping she's not telling him why we can't go in, but at the same time not caring as long as we don't. The only good thing I can think of right now. We can't sully that. I'd die.

They're coming over, I hear Harry agreeing with whatever she's told him, and we settle at a table near the restricted section, remote enough to assure we won't be overheard. Hermione pulls me over to her before I sit.

"You had the nerve once to let me know how you felt about me, do you remember that, how hard it was?"

"Oh yeah."

"I never told you how much I admired your strength for being able to do that." Harry sits loudly, clearly a bit impatient, and wondering what he's doing here. She whispers again "And I never thanked you for it, for showing me a part of myself I would not have otherwise found, for making me feel this way, how I feel about you. So you can handle this Gin, because if you couldn't you wouldn't have kissed me in the first place. Do you see what I mean?" I nod, drowning in what she's just said. Feeling a small cautious hope rise up like a bubble in me. What you've implied. If I knew it to be true I could stand up to voldemort himself, and possibly even Ron. We sit. God I hope so.

It's almost funny in a way, the three of us sitting here, no one being particularly willing to speak first, Harry still kind of looking cranky, but seemingly open to explanations. Bloody hell though, how do you explain love? And of course it's her that finally starts talking.

"I'm not here to apologise to you Harry, because I'm not sorry."

"No?" His expression saying it all. I think you should be.

"I'm not sorry for how I feel if that's what you're asking, but yes I know what you mean. It's going to hurt him, and that, well, that I do regret. But I wouldn't change what happened."

"Well what did happen if you don't mind me asking?"  I think this is where I come in.

"I've…" and they're both staring at me now as if realizing I'm here too. Oh God, clear my throat. "I, um, I." Be strong; my mother's words echo somewhere in my head. "The night before we left on Christmas break. When you guys were assing around in the common room."

"I remember."

"Do you remember that we left early and never came back?" Maybe the wrong thing to say because now he looks seriously pissed again.

"You planned to go off together?!"

"No! Christ Harry, we just went to have a celebration away from the noise, and bloody hell, don't hate me for this, but I couldn't hold it in any longer. Do you have any idea how long I've wanted Hermione? Don't you think I went crazy over it, knowing it was totally the wrong thing to be feeling? I mean shit, do you?" Silence, I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

"And when Gin kissed me Harry, I felt like I'd always known, I really did. I wanted to feel guilty but oh, how can something that felt that good be bad?" She squeezes my knee under the table You're not alone. And I'm tired suddenly; I can't keep explaining myself for the rest of my life. I just want it to be over. I know it sounds strange, but the more we discuss it, the more time I have to think about how hard it will be to tell Ron.

"I'm in love Harry. I'm sorry if who I love happens to offend your sense of propriety. But there it is, right on the table. I do."

He looks torn between wanting to be mad and trying to understand.

"But didn't you think about…"

"About what? That I was jumping into Ron's grave?" Oh god did I say that? The small reserve of courage I'd found has disappeared once more. Man I must really love crying because I'm doing it again.

"I just think you should tell him that's all."

"But I can't!" I sob "Not yet."

"Give us time Harry," Hermione's saying "This isn't exactly easy you know."

"So you want me to see him almost every waking moment, knowing what I know and not mention anything? Come on, that's not fair."

"So it was ok for you to keep something from me, but not from him?" She stands and almost roars, sounding incredibly angry. Oh no, that's the last thing we need now. Anger's only gonna make this worse, but amazingly Harry backs down.

"Ok you're right. But you still have to tell him."

"No Harry we were planning to keep it a secret forever. I mean honestly, what did you think we were going to do?"

Actually at this moment I wouldn't mind locking it away forever if that's alright. I am definitely not coping, regardless of how much Hermione seems to think I can handle it. I just let them argue back and forth, softly crying to myself, until Harry demands to know when, and I can't help but saying the first thing that comes to me.

"I don't know when I'll be able to, I don't know." And Hermione sinks her head into her hands, shaking her hair and looking pretty pissed off.

"Oh will you just cut it out Gin?" She mutters into her fist, and no I wasn't imagining it, she's angry all right, staring over with her eyes on fire. A look of pure irritation, mixed with a trace of understanding thankfully. I want to defend myself, but I can't, it's like I've been struck dumb by her words. "Because when you get like this it makes me feel as if you're more interested in playing the dying swan, than having the guts to stand up with me and be proud of what we've achieved here." And she looks upset suddenly, an expression of confused pain. "I thought I was worth it to you Gin, I thought you loved me." Oh god baby, don't say that.

"But, but I do… How can you think I don't?"

"You seem to find it easy to say that when you know the situation won't go beyond your comfort level. We knew that things would get harder, didn't we? So why do you want to run away and hide from it all of a sudden? I feel like I mean nothing to you, that you freaking out is more important than having the balls to ride it out." And she's so right. Harry stands up, looking fairly embarrassed to be witnessing this. "I should go I think."

"No don't bother Harry," I wave him off "I'll leave." And it's not because I'm angry, but rather because I'm so terribly ashamed of myself. I can't stay in here with her knowing she's hit the nail right on the head. I need to get some air, go where I can shed these hot gulping tears alone and have time to figure out how to deal with this fear that threatens to engulf me whole, jeopardizing even the love I thought I'd die for…

Hermione's Pov:

"Wow." Harry whispers almost in awe. "I had no idea it was like that." I want to run after her, but he deserves the rest of the story, and I know she needs to be alone right now, although it's almost more than I can stand to know that she left believing I was furious with her, when I wasn't you know, just eminently frustrated.

"What you thought I was making it up or something? That I was just doing it to spite Ron? Sleeping with the one person that could cause him the most pain, just to get him back? Is that how well you know me?" And he looks downright guilty, so I'm guessing that yes, that's exactly what he thought. "Damn it Harry. This is real. She loves me; she makes me feel like I've never been alive before, like I've been asleep all my life." He touches my shoulder, and unexpectedly draws me into a hug. "It's ok." I'm aware of my eyes fogging up suddenly. "Don't cry." And he brushes my face, speaking softly. "I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"How could you have even thought I'd be that person?"

"I didn't mean to hurt you."

"And neither of wants to hurt Ron, can't you see that? Ginny told me once she'd felt like that about me for years, that she'd been trying to make it go away because she didn't want to cause any pain, to me or to him. And for goodness' sakes Harry I never expected us to come together the way we did. I'd never even given it a passing thought. But we have and it's the most beautiful thing to ever happen to me."  He's silent for a second, chewing his lip.

"And now?"

"Now, well that's another story I think; because I don't want to be apart from her for any longer than I have to. I'm past wondering why."

"You think that maybe…" Wow, I know what he's saying, and I can't think of a way or a reason to deny it.

"Yeah, I guess I do. Huh, it's not like I thought it would be." I sit back down and let the tears flow as they will. He sits by me and holds my hand.

"Why does that make you cry?"

"Because," I gulp "Because it's the first time I've said it and she's not around to hear me."

"Hermione you haven't said anything yet." He looks like he's grinning a bit and that can only be a good thing. Well stuff it then, spit it out.

"I do you know Harry, I love that damned woman so much I can't think about anything else."

"I'm sorry I didn't get that before."

"So you don't want to strangle me anymore?"

"I never did Hermione, I guess I was so busy being all protective I…" He pauses and stands "I should have listened to your side more."

"We will tell him you know, I just have to wait until she's ready."

"Yeah I know." He holds a hand to help me up "Shall we go look for her then?"

"No I better do that on my own. You go find Ron." Harry blushes purple "Um I'm not sure I want to find him right now, if you know what I mean." Oh dear, I get it. He looks like he's wishing something would strike him down right now for having said that. But I can't help laughing.

"It's ok Harry, I'm ok with that. I mean I really should be given the circumstances don't you think?"

"Yeah I guess."

"So I'll go find Gin and you, well I'm sure you can find some homework to do can't you?" He smiles at that one.

"You haven't changed at all."

"I'm glad you can see that. Come on, let's get out of here."

But I can't find her anywhere when I do go to look, not in the common room or the hollow, or even our room from last night. I came in to dinner wet and exhausted, hoping hunger would win out and she'd be there, I guess I forgot about her extraordinary ability to shut down her stomach when stressed. Harry looks up at me almost sympathetically as I flop down, and eat automatically. I'm so tired. I want to look over at Ron and just blurt it out, and Harry perhaps sees this because he gently leans to me and starts talking instead.

"You ok?"

"No I don't think I am. I can't get it out of my head Harry, she left thinking I was angry. It's killing me." He doesn't reply, instead he turns to Ron and asks him if he's seen Gin. Smart move. Better the question comes from him than me right now. Ron finishes his mouthful finally and replies. "No actually." Looks at me "I thought she was with you." Oh dear that was too close for comfort. Honestly my face must be scarlet by now.

"Anyway," he resumes eating "She'll turn up, she goes off by herself all the time these days, and always pops back eventually."  He stops suddenly. "But I am worried about her, I know something's wrong, she was incredibly strange over Christmas. Hey Hermione have you noticed anything that could be making her act like that?" Ah no, I do not like this question. It'd be too easy to tell him I know exactly why she's been different. How can I put this, so it's not quite a lie, yet not quite the truth?

"Um, well I do think something's bothering her, but I'm afraid you'd have to ask her yourself if you wanted to know."

"So you do know?"

"Ron. Leave it at that."

"Alright," He shrugs "What is it with girls and secrets?" I raise an eyebrow at him as if to ask if he's any better, and he has the grace to blush.

"Point taken. So can we get back to dinner now?"

"Ah you guys eat, I'm not hungry. I'm wet and cold and I have to have a bath this very second." Hey that's one place I haven't looked yet.

"Righto then. See you upstairs?"

"Probably."

She isn't in the bathroom though; not a trace of her in the corridors either, so I give up in the end and head back to the common room to finally get some work done, but I'm not sure how successfully I'll be able to study. I raced upstairs and grabbed a few books quickly, then left so if she did come in, I'd be right there by the fire waiting. But I end up pulling at my hair watching the boys continue their perpetual chess game, and not even glancing at my notes. Until Ron turns around and begins yammering.

"Hey we found her!" Ok Hermione, do not leap up excitedly and demand to know where she is.

"You did?"

"Yeah, hang on, Harry! Don't you bloody dare, it's my move you cheating swine."

"Would I cheat?" Harry smiles over at me.

"In a second, you –butter wouldn't melt in your mouth- rat." Aaargh, I don't want to hear banter, I want to know where she is.

"Yeah, she came in not long after dinner, didn't talk much, just said she was tired and went to bed."

"That early?" Great. If I'd been here I could have followed her while the dorm was still empty, but judging by the few people left in the room, I'm guessing that now half of them are in bed and it's too late. Dammnit. "Well I'm glad she's alright."

"I didn't say that now," Ron turns back to his game, shaking a finger at Harry "Because I'm not sure she is. But at least I know she's safely here. I'll talk to her tomorrow." Oh that wouldn't be a fairly good idea actually.

"It's ok Ron. I'll talk to her."

"You will?"

"Sure."

"Hey thanks Hermione." He makes his move like he wasn't even thinking about it, and I think I finally understand why this is so horribly hard for her to do. He loves her, wants to ensure her well-being, and when he finds out he's going to feel like she's betrayed him, which is probably how she's felt all along. Hermione you idiot it's not about you, it's about them. Cursing myself for my incredible selfishness and insensitivity, I gather my gear, say goodnight and go up to bed.

That's weird though, I don't remember closing the curtains this morning, but they're definitely closed now. I draw one side back a fraction and what I see almost makes me cry out loud with relief and joy. Ginny's curled up into my pillow, facing away from me, her chest rising and falling evenly. I study her sleeping form for a few minutes, then quietly change, shut the curtain and slip in beside her, pulling my body close to that warmth. At first I'm not even sure she's woken up, but then she rolls over rapidly, clutching my middle, laying a fiery head on my chest.

"Hermione."

"Gin, don't you ever scare me like that again you hear me?" She holds me tighter than I would have believed possible, drawing my hollow soul into her core.

"I do love you." She breathes sleepily "But I'm so frightened…"

'Cos I've tried and I've tried but I can't pretend

That you don't exist, that it's in my head

Or the things you said and you might have meant

When you crossed your arms and sat on my bed

Oh no, I'm not saying goodbye

But there's too many yellow traffic signs

And you're the only lullaby

That'll help me sleep tonight.

Sorry this took so long, I had to step back for a bit, and sort of examine where I'm going with this. I didn't like that I was starting to care more about what other people thought and not focusing. So after a mental smack in the head I think I'm back on track now.

Hey Chapter one of Heat (the base for this) is up over at fictionpress.com if anyone's interested (does little happy dance) user id: 354477 Pen name Flamegrrl of course (although the search engine can't seem to find me, but trust me, I'm there!) I had to develop rampaging bronchitis to get the time off to do it in, but (coughs and splutters) I'm a happy happy cat!

Lyrics from (1) Luka Bloom 'Hudson Lady'

(2) 'On a night like this' Flamegrrl specials again!

Sweetspontaneous: I hope the trepidation was worth it! And yes, I think you definitely get to be a serial reviewer now! =;)