Funeral

"She loved it!" Alec said with exasperation, as he threw his script down on top of Magnus' desk. Magnus was in his office working on his computer, and Alec had gone straight to his boyfriend's workplace after receiving the feedback on his book from Charlotte Branwell. She had said she loved it, and then she'd handed him the script back with at least three post-its on each page. Magnus looked up at him with raised eyebrows.

"That's great?" he tried, but he could probably sense that something was wrong. Alec tossed the script closer to Magnus and he eyed it for a second, before he began to smirk. "Alec," Magnus began and moved out of his chair to sit on his desk in front of Alec. Alec suddenly had a similar feeling to the time he went to the principle's office to complain about one of the other students, and the principle calmly told him there was nothing he could do about it. Alec crossed his arms, because he did not like the look Magnus was giving him. "You just started. There's still a long way to go."

"I already revised it three times," Alec said.

"I know you did. But it takes more than that," Magnus explained.

"Yeah, apparently," Alec said coldly, took his script and turned towards the door.

"Alec, you're not mad at me, are you?" Magnus caught his hand.

"No, I'm just frustrated. I knew it needed work, but the amount of notes she gave me is just a bit overwhelming."

"You're very lucky to have found an editor who wants to help publish you in your first try," Magnus reminded him. Alec knew he was right, of course. Authors were always rejected several times, but Alec couldn't shake the feeling that it had nothing to do with luck and more to do with Woolsey Scott. Alec looked back at his boyfriend with a forced smile.

"I know I am. I suppose I'm just exhausted. She told me she would like to see sequels, but she couldn't tell me how many she would be able to get through, it all depends on me of course."

"I know you're going to be great," Magnus encouraged, and gave Alec a small kiss on the forehead.

"I'll see you at home," Alec said.

…

On the way home Alec's mind was a complete mess. He had recently started to realize that his frustration went beyond the book. He was frustrated that he didn't get to see his friends every day, he was slowly getting homesick, but he was afraid to admit it to anyone, because it had been so long since he'd actually been home for more than that one weekend. He should be way beyond homesick by now, but Jace and Clary's wedding seemed to be pulling the emotions out of him. He wanted to be there during preparations. He wanted to see his friends slowly growing into a family, and he felt that he was a bit jealous, because he too longed to have what his friends had. It was an odd feeling, because all at the same time he grieved that he couldn't be there for them, yet he felt an immense sadness that his friends were moving on with their lives and becoming their own family. Alec had always been a big family person, but he knew that Magnus was different. Magnus had never had much family; not since his mother. Alec was afraid to ask him about it, because he was afraid he might scare him off or Magnus would push him away if he thought he couldn't give Alec what he wanted.

During dinner that night, Alec gathered enough courage to touch the topic.

"It feels weird that my friends are getting married. I feel old," Alec began. Magnus' eyebrows went up into his hairline. "You know what I mean," he added. Magnus was nearly a decade older than all of them. "It seems like yesterday Jace and I learned to ride bikes together. And Clary, she's so small, she still looks like a little girl."

"I hope you never called her little girl," Magnus said as if he'd accidentally tried it once.

"Yeah. She gets really upset when you call her that," Alec grinned. "It's only a matter of time before they make their own family though."

"You'll still be their family. They won't forget about you, Alec." Magnus was stabbing his pasta with concentration, trying to make it stay on the fork. Alec had cooked it for too long again, and it was beyond al dente.

"I don't see why they wouldn't? I'm here and they are there, I can't…" Alec stopped himself before he could get too emotional and homesick again.

"You're going to be their best man, you'll be in their wedding photo," Magnus winked.

"About that – Clary will probably ask you to be the wedding photographer," Alec said.

"Gosh, now I feel emotional," Magnus said, but Alec couldn't be sure if he meant it. Magnus lifted his fork to his mouth, but the pasta fell off before he closed his mouth around it. "I need a spoon," he said, and as he got to his feet his phone played Killer Queen. Alec eyed Magnus, who was clearly just as surprised. He knew Magnus had different songs for people calling him, but he didn't know who Killer Queen was. "That's your sister?" Magnus said.

"Why is she calling you?"

"Maybe she wants fashion advice?" Magnus suggested, and Alec frowned. "Okay, clearly not that," he added before answering. "Isabelle?"

Alec watched while Magnus went still, all blood seemed to drain from his face. But just as Alec got to his feet, Magnus ended his call, "Yeah, of course. He's right here, I'll let him know and call you later, okay? I'm sorry, Isabelle." Alec didn't know why, but he felt his heart drop as Magnus looked at him with a heartbreaking expression.

"What's wrong? Why did she call you?"

"Alec, let's sit down," Magnus took his hand carefully.

"What's wrong?" he repeated, and refused to move before Magnus explained himself. Magnus let out his breath, and replied.

"She didn't want to tell you over the phone, that's why she called me, she wanted me to tell you…" Magnus swallowed hard, "Max was in an accident –"

"What? Is he okay? What happened?" Alec grabbed his own phone, but Magnus carefully put a hand over his. "No," Alec whispered, as he felt what Magnus wasn't exactly telling him.

"It was an accident on the lake, he didn't…" Magnus stopped himself at the sound of a single sob escaping Alec's throat.

Alec felt disoriented and dizzy, and Magnus locked his arms around him, as if desperately trying to trap his emotions. After a long moment of complete silence and emptiness, Alec came back to his senses.

"Why was he on the lake? He only goes to the lake with me?" Alec said, and then thought this is my fault, I wasn't there to take him out on the lake.

"I don't know, Izzy didn't say much else. You should call her," Magnus said in a comforting voice.

"Can you call her instead?" Alec asked, because he suddenly felt too guilty for not being there. He didn't think he could handle it, if Izzy too thought he should have been there for them. Magnus nodded with compassion and called Izzy back. Alec went to the bathroom to splash water in his face as a way of washing off the grief mixed with the guilt that he was now feeling, but it only made the tears come out of their hiding, seeping down his cheeks and making his eyes red. Max was an excellent swimmer, he shouldn't have had a problem even though it was a rather deep lake. Unless he hadn't drowned at all, it had to be something else, he thought.

When he came back into the livingroom, Magnus was waiting on the couch. He had tears in his eyes too, but it looked like he'd tried to wipe them off, just like Alec had tried to wash his own tears away. Alec sat down next to his boyfriend – he was ready to hear what had happened.

"Alec, Isabelle is a mess. She's… the sound of her crying is the most terrible thing I've ever heard," he looked down at his own hands.

"I know, I've heard it once," Alec said. He'd heard it when Hodge died, but he imagined this time was worse. She was older now, and this was their baby brother. Alec could feel everything inside of him tense, when he thought of a lifeless Max. "He went out on his own, didn't he? Because I wasn't there to keep up the tradition?"

Magnus looked at him with surprise, probably realizing that Alec was blaming himself.

"Alexander… you can't blame yourself. He wasn't alone," Magnus said. Alec's eyes turned to Magnus. "Sebastian was with him. They went out on the boat, and he was teaching Max how to steer it, when he must have tripped, he hit his head and fell into the water –"

Anger washed away any sign of guilt and grief Alec had had a minute ago. His mind was now completely occupied by a sudden sense of hatred to the guy he'd never exactly liked.

"Sebastian!? That son of a bitch!"

"Alec, calm down. It was an accident," Magnus tried.

"Says who? Sebastian?"

Magnus looked at him as if he was watching a complete stranger, a lunatic even and it only added to the gruesome thoughts Alec had.

"I'm sure there was nothing he could have done, or he would have."

"You don't know the guy, you've met him once. I saw the way you looked at him, probably contemplating how much you would have to pay him to be your coat hanger!"

"Hey! I know you're in pain right now, but don't take it out on me!" Magnus yelled back at him and it silenced Alec for some reason. He didn't want to fight Magnus. Instead of apologizing he just leaned back in his seat, and stared at the coffee table. "Look, all I'm saying is that Izzy saw Sebastian and she was pretty sure he felt absolutely terrible. One can only imagine."

Alec could only imagine that if he had been home with his family, Max wouldn't be… he couldn't even think the word in his own mind. It seemed too horrible to be true. It felt unreal. Perhaps because he was so far away, and perhaps because he hadn't heard Izzy's voice say it out loud.

…

Alec had no memory of what happened after Magnus explained how terrible Sebastian had looked in the eyes of Izzy. But he woke up on the couch with a blanket wrapped around him. He sat up and saw that Magnus was in the bed, so he went over to him, crawled into bed, and wrapped his arm around Magnus, who was wide awake, but not moving. Alec felt Magnus' hand on his.

"You blacked out. You had a panic attack and then you blacked out. I didn't know if I should carry you or not," Magnus whispered in a groggy voice. "I'm sorry this happened to your family," he added.

"Thank you," Alec whispered back.

"You would think someone like me were used to people blacking out by now. I spent my early twenties with people who were blacked out half the time," he said and turned around to face Alec. "It gets to you on a different level when it's someone you truly care about," he added.

"I'm sorry," Alec avoided meeting Magnus' eyes.

"It's not your fault."

Alec felt hopeless. He didn't know what to do. He knew he should go home and be with his family, but he also knew that it would make him miserable to see Izzy's expression as it would probably reflect his own feelings.

"I don't know what to do?" he whispered.

"You should go be with your family," Magnus said.

"I don't know, I'll be in the way, I…" Alec stopped himself, because he knew Magnus was right. Alec was only scared of the condition he might find his family in. Max was the small and innocent light of the family.

"I'll see if I can reschedule my clients for the funeral, but I'm not sure it's possible, and of course, only if you want me there?"

"I want you there," Alec answered without hesitation. Magnus nodded and rolled over to rest on top of Alec. It was the most comforting feeling he could wish for at the moment, having Magnus in his arms. All he needed was – the Chairman jumped up onto the bed almost as if the cat had read his mind, and he settled down against Alec's side. It helped to feel loved in times like this. Alec no longer felt lonely in life, which scared him a little as he thought about his baby brother.

…

Alec went on the first plane home the next morning. Magnus couldn't reschedule work for an entire week, but he was trying to make arrangements to be there for the funeral. Alec felt weak and groggy as he boarded the plane. He thought he'd been asleep all night, but still it felt like he hadn't slept for weeks. When he'd woken up, Magnus had told him he'd cried in his sleep. Alec didn't even have the energy to feel embarrassed about it. He couldn't control what he did in his sleep anyway.

He had brought the copy of his book with him, because he thought he might have the energy to look through Charlotte's notes. But as soon as he'd opened the script and looked at the first couple of notes, he felt his head spin and he had to close it again. Instead he put on his headphones in hope that no one would talk to him during the flight.

…

Izzy was there to pick him up at the airport, when Alec arrived. She had red eyes, but she'd made sure to try to cover it up with make up and her hair perfectly arranged in a ponytail. She held on to him a little longer than usual, and he didn't break off the hug until she decided it. Izzy cleared her throat before she spoke, which also rarely happened with her otherwise velvety voice.

"I talked to Clary this morning…" Izzy had to make a pause to hold back a sob, "Sebastian, he… uhm," she stopped again. Alec was sure he didn't want to hear anything about Sebastian anyway.

"I don't care about Sebastian," he said coldly. "Let's go home."

In the car, Izzy got her voice back suddenly.

"He ran away. He left a note saying how terrible he felt, and that he couldn't face anyone after what happened," Izzy explained.

"Good," Alec replied.

"Good?!" She sounded angry now. "Good."

"Why aren't you blaming him? What don't I know?" Alec was trying to understand how she could not hate the guy who'd let their brother die.

"It was an accident."

"How do you know? Maybe he's a sociopath? It would make sense. He's handsome, he's charming and he says everything you want to hear, but no one really knows what goes on inside his head," Alec said.

"You're being ridiculous," Izzy said, and clenched her jaw. Alec looked out at the road ahead of them.

"Why didn't he go after him?"

"He did. You know how deep the lake is. Max tripped and he fell into the lake while uncons…" Izzy nearly choked on the last word to keep back another sob. "Sebastian jumped after him, but he couldn't get the water out of him in time."

All Alec heard her saying was that Sebastian was a complete imbecile, who had brought a kid out on a lake without knowing what the fuck he was doing. Anger and hatred once again seemed to wash away all other feelings. Someone should go after the guy and question him.

"Is anybody looking for him? Shouldn't he at least be questioned?"

"Alec, you're implying that Sebastian purposefully let Max –" She couldn't say it either; die. He'd let Max die.

"I'm implying that I've never really trusted him."

"Don't start with that, it's not true," she replied. They had now reached the family house.

"Is dad coming?"

"Of course he is. But only for the funeral," Izzy said, while keeping her eyes down.

…

Maryse was inside the house, keeping busy while Alec was there, probably afraid that if she didn't have something to do she might break. Izzy was a lot like their mother in that way too. Izzy hadn't even closed down the pub for the weekend, so she had to go to work and Alec had decided to go with her, since there was no way he could have a proper conversation with their mother, while she was in this state. Maryse didn't even look upset. She looked – well, she looked busy, Alec thought.

However, it turned out it wasn't much different at the pub. Izzy acted busy, even though there were only five costumers. Alec was still sipping the same beer she'd handed him when he first got there, when Jace came into the pub an hour later. Jace sat down next to him and patted him on the back.

"How are you holding up, man?" Jace asked.

"He was your brother too, you tell me?" Alec looked at his friend sideways.

"Yeah," Jace said, and he looked pained. It appeared that he was having trouble with his thoughts, because he always had that same look on his face when he was contemplating something. "This sucks. Clary is completely out of it too. I can't…" Jace rested his forehead on his hands in frustration. Alec realized that he was having some of the same troubles Alec was – Jace too wanted to blame someone, but he was stuck in the middle, since he was dating Sebastian's sister. No, he was engaged to Sebastian's sister. Alec had nearly forgotten about the engagement.

"We should find him," Alec said, and Jace looked up at him inquiringly. "I want him to explain himself."

"He did explain himself. Something like this, it happens so fast. He looked completely out of it, Alec. I'm sure his guilt is eating him up wherever he is," Jace said.

Alec wasn't so sure. He didn't think he'd ever witnessed Sebastian looking guilty about anything. And he had plenty to be guilty about. He'd always been a troublemaker, and he'd always quitted what he'd started, yet he always seemed extraordinarily smug and arrogant about it.

"I've never seen him like that. I swear, Alec, he looked different," Jace added, probably noticing the wheels spinning inside Alec's mind.

…

The thoughts didn't leave Alec's mind though, and when the funeral finally came, he could barely remember what he'd spent his week doing. He sure hadn't gotten any work done on his book. The script was still packed away in his bag. He hadn't even told his friends about it, because it seemed insignificant suddenly.

Magnus could only get off work for the one day, so he arrived in town an hour before the funeral. It felt good to have him there. His friends all had someone, and it would have been pure torture to be left in the back alone. The ceremony was quiet, and afterwards Alec didn't say much either, because he was certain that he couldn't say anything that wouldn't make everything feel worse. So he just shook hands and nodded thanks to everyone giving him their condolences. None of the condolences helped more than the hand pressed against the small of his back. Magnus kept his hand there all day, and Alec thought it was more about letting him know that Magnus was right there for him if he needed it, rather than a way of comfort. Either way, he felt grateful.

Alec also made sure to avoid his dad at all costs, but mostly it seemed like Robert was also avoiding him or he simply didn't care to talk him. He had watched him, when he'd gone to talk to Maryse, but Alec didn't know what they'd talked about. She looked upset, but it was her son's funeral after all.

When the day was nearing an end, Alec decided to go back with Magnus. He felt comfort knowing that he didn't have to travel alone.

"Do you think you'll move to New York for good?" Izzy wondered, when they were saying goodbye.

"Longing to get rid of me?" Alec raised an eyebrow, and Izzy smiled for the first time in a week.

"No. Maybe New York wouldn't be so bad," she shrugged.

"Are you going to follow me around then?"

"Stop joking. I'm serious."

"What about Simon?" Alec wondered.

"He was offered a job there, like a real job and not a music related job," she seemed happy about that, despite the fact that she'd fallen in love with him because he'd been in a band. His sister was growing up finally.

"What about the pub?"

"I'm sure there are plenty of bars in New York that need taking care of," she smiled softly. Alec didn't want to get his hopes up, but he was very much liking this idea. "Anyway, we're only considering."

"You would love New York," he said and kissed her cheek, before leaving.

Maybe Izzy had only mentioned it to get his mind off the long miserable day, in that case it worked. He had been so homesick lately, but he hadn't even considered his friends leaving their small town. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea. New York had plenty of opportunities for them. Besides being in a band, Simon was a bit of a tech-wizard. And Izzy had managed the pub for a few years now, she would be able to manage just about any bar or lounge. Alec was still thinking about it, dreaming of the day it might come true and he would have his sister in New York with him, when him and Magnus found their seats on the plane. Alec wouldn't have to be split between Magnus and his family. Perhaps Izzy could even convince Jace and Clary to move too. It would be perfect for Clary to be in New York to make a network of artists and buyers. It was probably ridiculous to think so much of it, but if anyone could convince Jace it would be Izzy and Clary.

"You're smiling?" Magnus noted with a small smile.

"It was just something Izzy said," he replied.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah," Alec smiled and leaned back in his seat, finally able to get som rest.

I apologize for taking so long to post new chapters lately, but I've been lacking inspiration. I didn't plan to incorporate Max' death already, but I also didn't want to just make too many "empty" chapters. I will write another one or two chapters before I begin writing the Clace wedding chapter(s), so if anyone has any ideas - either ideas for a chapter topic or prompts that might help get me inspired, then I will welcome them with open arms ;)