Title: The Chosen One (2k12)
Rating: K
Now only Leonardo and Raphael were left, as they kneeled down before their sensei. Mikey and Donnie had already been presented their weapons of the nunchucks and bo staff respectively. No big surprises there. However, the competition for the leadership role had been fierce between the two oldest brothers, often with no clear winner as was the case today. They had all just finished the final trials that master Splinter had put them through. They had all believed the trials would include only things that tested their physical strength and discipline, but Splinter had also included mock situations that would test their spiritual and mental discipline as well. Raphael thought that although he may not have done quite as well as Leo on those, he had done more than alright at the physical stuff and should be chosen as the leader of his brothers. After all he was the strongest among them, and even Splinter couldn't deny that.
The pair of sai and the pair of katana lay on a table with sensei standing next to it, looking down at his two kneeling sons with a severe but very thoughtful look upon his face. With one hand behind his back and the other stroking his beard, he said not a word to either of them. For master Splinter it had all come down to the result of one test in particular. He had set up a mock situation where not all the brothers could be saved. In order to get out of the situation, one would have to make a difficult decision. They would have to either allow all of them to perish together, or sacrifice one of them for the sake of the survival of the other three. In fact it was that particular test that had eliminated Donatello and Michelangelo from the running. Donnie had hesitated and became indecisive in his attempt to calculate the risks perfectly. It had ended in the loss of two brothers rather than just one. Michelangelo made a valiant effort, but eventually panicked under the emotional strain of the potential loss of any of his brothers, which resulted in the loss of all of them except himself. The actions of both his oldest sons in that instance were noble, even though they were in stark contrast to each other. It was telling to say the least, and it was the deciding factor for who would be deemed the leader.
Master Splinter turned towards the table and picked up the pair of sai. Leo and Raph kept their eyes cast to the floor in front of them, lest the looks on their faces betray their true feelings.
Don't say my name, don't say my name, don't say my name, was the thought running ceaselessly through Raphael's head. He didn't remember wanting any single thing more than he wanted to be the leader. It was the validation from his father that he was good enough that Raphael craved more than anything.
Then it happened. Raphael didn't recall any other time where he could literally feel his heart drop to his toes before this.
"Raphael, come forward," Splinter said smiling at his son with a very proud look upon his face.
Instead of rising immediately, Raphael sat stunned that his name had been called first and that sensei was holding out those stupid sai rather than offering him the twin katana, his katana. His fists clenched involuntarily as he continued to stare at the floor. He gathered himself before sensei had to call his name again. He didn't want to be disrespectful, now just wasn't the time or place for it and he doubted highly that master Splinter would be lenient about his attitude at this time.
His mouth felt filled with cement and his arms heavy like lead as he raised them with palms open to receive his weapons. His second rate weapons. He still held his head down, not wanting to look at his sensei right now. Splinter had a look of pride, but how could he be proud of him? Raphael was now officially second best, and to have it become an undisputed fact under the authority of his father's choice was an indescribably horrible feeling.
"I present to you the twin sai Raphael. These particular pair have been passed down within the Hamato clan for well over a century, and they were given to me by my own sensei," Splinter said as he placed the weapons reverently in Raphael's hands.
"Use them well, and allow them to become a part of you," Splinter said as he watched his son bow stiffly before him.
"Domo arigato sensei," Raph said, his voice strained in an effort to conceal the emotions that bubbled just under the surface. Raphael walked to the side and took his place sitting next to his brothers. Mikey placed a consoling hand on Raph's shell, and Raph had to restrain himself not to flinch away from it.
"It's okay dude, the sai are totally awesome weapons," Mikey said in an effort to assuage his brother. Raphael simply stared at the floor and said nothing.
As Leonardo was presented with the very coveted twin katana, Raphael had a feeling pass over his heart that absolutely frightened him.
I hate you
It shook him to his very core, because he had never had that thought or feeling before in his life. No matter what kind of fights they had, or arguments they'd gotten into with each other he had never before felt hatred towards Leo for any reason. Raphael closed his eyes, trying to block out the sounds of celebration as his other brothers and father congratulated Leo on his achievement.
He heard the sickening sound of the blades being sheathed, and dreaded footsteps approach him. Before he knew it or could move away, a large green hand was outstretched in his face.
"Raph? C'mon you did great man, let's celebrate together," Leo offered good-naturedly and that set Raphael off. He didn't need Leo's platitudes, and he didn't want to celebrate playing second fiddle either.
"Get out of my face!" Raphael screamed, smacking Leo's hand away hard and jumping to his feet. He looked around at his stunned brothers, and the disappointed look on his father's face before he broke out into a run.
Past the turnstiles and into the sewer tunnels, Raphael ran. He'd thrown his sai to the floor before leaving the lair, so he was running free, unarmed and emotionally compromised. He found a nook right off the subway tracks and screamed to the top of his lungs each time a train rattled by to mask the sound.
"Why not me?!" He yelled, punching the concrete walls and scraping his knuckles in the process.
"I'm better than Leo!" He punched the walls over and over until he could feel the wet slick of blood from his mangled fists.
"Why didn't you choose me?" He asked his absent father, as his anger boiled down and dissolved into miserable sobs. "I'm good enough dad, I know I am," Raphael said miserably as he slid down the wall into a crouched position among the trash and refuse, right where he felt he belonged.
Hours had passed before Raphael made a very quiet entry. He hoped that he wouldn't have to encounter any of his family members. He tried to stay gone long enough that they should have been asleep. As he hopped the turnstiles, he looked towards the spot on the floor where he had disrespectfully thrown his weapons. They were gone.
With a guilty heart and wounded ego, Raphael made his way quietly to his room thankful that Mikey wasn't on a Crognard the Barbarian marathon in the sitting area. Slowly Raphael eased open the door to his bedroom and froze. Sitting on his bed in the darkness was Master Splinter, and he was holding the discarded sai in his lap.
"Come in my son," Splinter offered with an outstretched hand of invitation.
Raphael's shoulders drooped of their own accord as he slunk into the room and sat next to his father. For a moment he could feel his father's eyes on him, assessing him, regarding him, and it made him feel very uncomfortable and even more ashamed of his earlier actions.
"Do you feel any better now Raphael?" Splinter asked, knowing that only the top edge of Raph's anger had been blown off, but that the deep well still roiled in confusion.
"No," Raphael admitted to himself and his dad. "I guess I'm just, I don't know…..confused. Why didn't you pick me, dad?" Raphael asked as a fresh batch of tears threatened him. He refused to allow them to fall. He had cried enough.
"Mm, I see. Do you think that I feel you are less than your brother because I did not choose you?" Splinter asked knowing the answer. Raphael shrugged slowly, which meant yes.
"The responsibilities of a leader are great Raphael. It is not always about glory and notoriety. Many times the leader is the unsung hero, and they go unrecognized for much of the service they do," Splinter said to his son.
"But dad, I don't want like glory or whatever. I just want….well, I want you to think that I'm good too. I guess I want you to look at me like you look at Leo," Raphael admitted, and he even surprised himself to hear it come from his lips. Splinter turned and grabbed Raphael into a fierce hug, and rested his muzzle atop Raphael's bald head.
"I love all of you equally my son. I feel the same pride when you complete a difficult kata, as I feel when Leo does it, or any of you for that matter. I am most proud when you control your anger, when you restrain yourself, and when you show kindness to your brothers. You protect them at all costs, and that is precisely why I did not choose you to lead them," Splinter said. Raphael broke the embrace and gave his sensei a quizzical look.
"You lost me there dad," Raphael stated to his dad who was already acknowledging that he had probably caused more confusion.
"Stand up before me," he said as Raph stood right in front of his dad. Splinter grabbed Raph by the hands before he could pull them back and let out a small gasp. Raphael's knuckles were swollen, and caked with dried blood.
Splinter jumped up and was out the room and back in a flash, holding his own medical supplies. He pulled a small table from the corner and arranged the gauze, hydrogen peroxide, and the precious amount of Neosporin he kept for just such emergencies. He left and came back again with a small basin of very warm water, a bit of antibacterial soap, and a washcloth.
Very gingerly Splinter began washing Raphael's hands with the cloth starting with his palms, then turning them over to cleanse his knuckles. Raph was afraid that sensei would grill him about why his hands looked like a car wreck, but he shouldn't have. Splinter knew his son well enough to know what had happened and why.
"Do you recall the test where you had to choose to sacrifice one brother to save the rest?" Splinter asked as Raphael's face and demeanor shifted. The test had unnerved him greatly.
"Yeah. I didn't like that," he admitted.
"I know you did not, but it was necessary," Splinter said, rubbing his son's hands with the wet cloth, being careful not to hurt them more than what was necessary.
"Does my washing your hands hurt you Raphael?" Splinter asked suddenly.
"Yeah, it hurts kinda bad. I guess I messed 'em up pretty good," Raph said while wincing and hissing a breath through his teeth every time Splinter ran water and soap over his hands.
"Yes, you did. However, I am still tending to your wounds even though I know it hurts you. Do you know why I choose to do something that I know will cause you pain?" Splinter asked, pausing to look his son in the eyes.
"Cause in the end it's gonna make me feel better?" Raph said warily. He didn't want to give the wrong answer. Splinter nodded and continued working on his son's hands.
"That is right Raphael," he said as he allowed the silence to fill the room.
"But what I don't get is how could he do it sensei? I mean I know it wasn't real, but I mean it could've been real. It might be real one day, and to think that Leo would just…..leave one of us like, like it was nothin'," Raphael finally said, giving voice to what was really bothering him.
Splinter said nothing as he wrapped fresh bandages on Raphael's hands. Then he motioned for Raph to pull up a seat across from him. Only when Raph was settled did Yoshi speak.
"Raphael, you made the decision to stay in a situation where you would all perish together. You even rallied your other two brothers to the cause, and they willingly stayed behind with you. Did you make that decision lightly?" Splinter asked as he watched Raphael really take time to consider the question. Slowly Raphael shook his head no.
"No dad, it wasn't easy. I mean facing the fact that none of us were gettin' out of there alive. I mean that was tough. But I'd rather die together than just abandon one of us. We either live as one or we die as one the way I see it. I would die for any of them, and I expect Leo to do the same, but he didn't and you rewarded him for it," Raphael said, then instantly felt guilty about his outburst.
Splinter allowed himself to absorb that without anger or resentment towards how his son viewed the events of the day. He thought he could see this thing from Raph's point of view and therefore understand it.
"My son, that is precisely why you cannot lead them. Your love for your brother's would not allow you to see the bigger picture, or the greater good," he said before Raph cut him off.
"No, dad. Us surviving out there, us making it back here together that's the greater good. There is no bigger picture than that," Raphael said adamantly. Splinter simply gave him a wan smile in return.
"You must understand," he started soothingly. "I have trained you four to protect not only yourselves, but the innocent people of this city, and of the world from threats and harm that they are unaware of. Many times there is more at stake than what we personally stand to lose. I chose Leonardo because he is able to see that. Do not believe for a second that he chose to leave Michelangelo behind because he didn't care about him. It was simply that in that moment Leonardo was able to put away his own worries, fears, doubts, and heartache in order to accomplish the impossible. I believe he is able to bear the weight of guilt, while you do not suffer guilt lightly. It is easy to die for your brothers. Any of you would give your lives for each other, and I would gladly lay down my own for any of you as well. That is simple to do because we love each other. It is much more difficult to choose the way of pain, but a leader does what he must, not what pleases him most," Splinter said to a very reflective Raphael.
The old rat rose to his feet and turned the covers back on his son's bed. Without asking permission or giving Raphael a chance to protest, Splinter gathered him into his arms and lay him in the bed.
"I'm way too old for that sensei," Raphael protested but only lightly. He needed that affection though he dare not say it.
"Hey dad, what about my weapons? My sai?" Raph called to his father who was in the doorway.
"When you are ready to respect them, you may visit me in the dojo. Goodnight Raphael," Splinter said quietly as he left the room.
"Night dad," Raph spoke to the silent darkness of his room. He rubbed over his bandaged hands once or twice. He fell asleep thinking of how we was going to get his weapons back.
A/N: I would like to just take the time out to thank each and every one of you guys for making this the single most viewed story I have written. It's got over 2000 views and I can't thank you all enough for the love. Thanks and I hope you keep reading and enjoying these stories. :)