Author's Note: Thank you to all my reviewers! This chapter actually turned out to be very deep and philosophical. How 'bout that? Haha! Hope you like it! Please review!

Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Harry Potter.

Chapter Fourteen

Secrets

"Remus?" Lily snapped her fingers in front of Remus' face.

Remus gave a start. "What? Sorry Lily," he said tiredly. "Were you saying something?"

Lily sighed. "I've been saying something for the past ten minutes," she said rolling her eyes.

It was late at night and the two had been doing rounds around the corridors. Lily had been trying in vain to start up a conversation with Remus but he had been distant then entire night. She knew that things had been strained between the Marauders for the past few weeks since Sirius had done whatever it was he did. But Sirius had returned and had been accepted back into the group. Lily couldn't understand why things still didn't seem quite right.

Lily looked down at her timepiece. "It's about time to head back anyway," she said. She studied Remus carefully as they turned and headed back for the Gryffindor Tower. "Is there something that you want to talk about, Remus?"

Remus stared down at his shoes for several minutes as they walked along. "I'm just tired, that's all," he said finally.

"I wish you would just tell me what happened," Lily said. "Maybe I could help."

Remus paused. "Do you ever… do you ever feel like if everyone knew who you really were… people would think less of you?"

Lily furrowed her brow, trying to make heads or tails of Remus' statement. "What do you mean?"

"I mean… what if there was something about yourself that you just couldn't control," Remus continued vaguely. "And what if that was the only part of yourself that really mattered to other people? Like nothing you do would really matter because of what they see you as."

"Well it sounds like those other people are very close minded," Lily said. "But I can't say that I don't relate to what that feels like."

Remus looked at her, surprised. "You relate?" he asked incredulously.

"Of course," Lily said easily with a shrug, as if the fact were obvious. "To some people, the only thing that matters about me is my Muggle parents. It doesn't matter that I'm a prefect or at the top of my class. I'm still a Muggle-born."

"Oh," Remus said. Obviously that thought had never occurred to him.

"I can take several guesses as to what you are hinting about," Lily said. "Maybe I'm right… maybe I'm not. But I do believe that I know what kind of person you are, Remus. And I hope you would think well enough of me and what kind of person I am to know that if you do ever choose to tell me your secret it will not change how I see you."

Remus was quiet for a long time, his internal conflict evident in his features. He opened his mouth several times to say something, only to snap it closed again. Lily watched, but made no comment, letting Remus figure things out for himself. There was nothing more she could say anyway. It was up to Remus to decide what he wanted to do.

"Can we sit for a moment?" Remus finally asked quietly.

"Certainly," Lily agreed. They were just approaching a set of stairs and Lily sat down a few steps up. Remus hesitated for a moment before slowly sitting down next to her.

"I hope you don't think too poorly of me for keeping this secret from you, Lily," Remus said finally. He kept shifting around, clearly nervous. Lily just waited patiently, letting him take as much time as he needed. "James and Peter and Sirius all know of course, but I never told them. They figured it out on their own and I simply couldn't deny it to them. They were too clever. They were the only ones who knew… until a few weeks ago…"

"Sirius told someone your secret," Lily said slowly, putting the pieces together.

Remus nodded solemnly. He took a long, shaky breath. "It was a moment of pure stupidity on his part," he went on. "He's admitted that multiple times. I know how sorry he is. He wasn't thinking clearly at the time, he's never really been one to think things through to the end result. But this whole thing has forced me to look at myself in a different way. James, Peter and Sirius are all very accepting of… of my secret. But not everyone is like them. To a lot of people… my secret… makes me a monster."

Lily looked at Remus carefully. "I don't see how anyone could think of you as a monster," she said slowly.

"Trust me, it's completely possible," Remus said sullenly. "And not too much of a leap for those who know… who know what I am."

"And… what are you?" Lily asked slowly.

Remus looked down at his hands folded in front of him. When he finally spoke his voice was no more than a whisper, barely audible. "A werewolf."

Lily did her best to keep her face as calm a possible, not wanting to give away her shock. Luckily Remus wasn't looking at her anyway. Her mind was racing. She knew that this had not been outside of the realm of possibility; Remus did tend to disappear a lot with many vague excuses. Lily had begun noticing it more as she spent more time with Remus since they had both been appointed prefects. But it was still shocking to have it actually confirmed.

Lily took a deep breath and when she spoke her voice was calm and steady. "I do not think you are a monster, Remus. I can't imagine what you are forced to go through every month, but that does not change who you are when you are not transformed. You did not choose this and it doesn't define what kind of person you are."

Remus finally looked up at her and gave a strained smile. "You sound a lot like Sirius and James."

"Well then they certainly know what they are talking about," Lily said smiling back. "There are always going to be people who… well who are just plain stupid. Who will call you a monster and want to bring you down. But you can't let what other people think of you define who you are, Remus. If someone looks hard enough they can always find something to hate about another person. What's important is that you have close friends who understand that it's not your fault and it doesn't affect who you are as a person."

Remus looked at Lily as if he were seeing her for the first time. "Thank you, Lily," he said sincerely.

"Anytime, Remus," she said kindly. "If you don't mind my asking… who is it that Sirius told?"

Remus sighed heavily, looking back down at his hands. "Snape."

Lily nodded knowingly. "Yes, I can see that he might want to use that against you," she said quietly. She refrained from pointing out how much the Marauders had picked on Snape over the years. She knew that wasn't something Remus needed to hear right now.

"Dumbledore forbade him from telling anyone," Remus said. "It still doesn't change the fact that he knows though. It doesn't change how he looks at me now that he knows the truth."

"I know that must be painful for you," Lily said sympathetically. "But not everyone will be like that." She glanced down at her timepiece. "We should really get going, before we get in trouble."

"Yeah," Remus agreed. He stood up and reached a hand back down to help Lily to her feet. She smoothed out her skirt before they turned and started up the staircase, continuing their journey back to the Gryffindor Tower.

"Sirius still seems very torn up about the whole thing," Lily mentioned as they walked. She knew that Sirius could be thickheaded sometimes, but she also knew that he was a fiercely loyal friend. She could see how what he had done would eat away at him.

Remus nodded and was silent for several moments. "Yes, he is still very angry about the whole thing," he said slowly. "But I don't think that's all he's angry about."

"You think he's still angry at his parents?" Lily asked. Remus nodded. "Well I would imagine he would be after what they did to him."

"That's just the thing," Remus said. "He won't even tell us the whole story. We know what his father did to his arm, but it's so obvious that more happened than just that. Whatever it is really has him spooked. It's very strange for him to keep secrets from us."

Lily found this new news to be very troubling. She had just assumed that Sirius' strange behavior was because of whatever he had done before being suspended. It made a lot more sense that he was still reacting to what had happened over his suspension though.

Lily was still deep in thought as they approached the portrait of the Fat Lady. As they clamored into the common room at a glance it seemed to be empty, as expected at this late hour on a school night. But then a figure near the fire caught her eye. She recognized Sirius' still form. He sat on the floor in front of one of the low tables by the fire with his arms folded on top of a few pieces of parchment sitting on top of the table and his head resting on his arms. He was fast asleep.

"James and Peter must not have wanted to wake him," Remus said quietly, looking at Sirius as well. "I don't think he's been getting much sleep since he's been back."

"Why don't you head up to the dormitory," Lily said. "I'll wake him and send him up."

"You're going to try to talk to him," Remus stated.

Lily gave him a wry smile. "Well, it couldn't hurt."

Remus raised his hands in a defeated gesture. "Hey, if you can get him to talk, far be it from me to stop you, because I am out of ideas," he said. "You were able to get me to talk. Maybe you'll have the same luck with Sirius."

"One can only hope," Lily said, studying Sirius' deceptively peaceful figure. Remus walked by her without another comment and headed up the stairs to the dormitory. Lily crept up to where Sirius sat. As she lowered herself to the floor next to an adjacent side of the table she noticed that Sirius had rolled his sleeves up, probably because of the heat that was once coming off the dying fire. The reason she had not immediately realized this was because his top arm was wrapped with a white bandage from his wrist almost up to his elbow. Lily frowned, knowing what lay just beneath that bandage.

Slowly she reached out and gently shook Sirius' shoulder. "Sirius?" she said softly.

If didn't take much to wake him. Sirius' eyes immediately flew open as he jerked, almost violently, and shrank away from her touch as he blinked around, confused. "Huh?" he mumbled.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," Lily said apologetically.

Sirius focused on Lily for a moment then gave a sigh of relief as he rubbed his eyes. "It's okay, Lily," he said. He looked around the deserted common room. "How late is it?"

"It's almost midnight," Lily informed him.

"Why are you up so late?" Sirius asked looking at her curiously, still blinking sleep from his eyes.

"I just came from rounds," Lily said.

"Ah," Sirius said with a nod. He started gathering up the parchment scattered over the table. "I should probably be getting to bed."

"Hold on," Lily said, placing a hand lightly on his arm – the one without the bandage – to stop him. "Sirius, are you okay?"

Sirius looked at her blankly. "Yeah," he said slowly, sounding unsure. "I just fell asleep while working on homework. Its not the first time."

"No, I mean…" Lily trailed off, trying to figure out how to phrase her concern. "You just seem off lately."

Sirius shrugged. "It's been a stressful couple weeks."

"Did… did something happen while you were home?" Lily finally asked bluntly.

Sirius gave a start. "Why would you say that?" he said defensively. Lily let her eyes fall to look at the bandage covering his arm. Sirius seemed to just remember that was there and hastily pulled down his sleeve. "Sirius… I ran into James and Remus a few nights ago… when they were coming back from taking you to the Hospital Wing. They told me about… that." She nodded at his arm.

Sirius' features turned dark. "Maybe they should have just posted it on a bulletin board," he spat, suddenly angry.

"They're just worried about you," Lily said sympathetically.

"I don't need anyone to be worried about me," Sirius said.

Lily sighed and sat back. "Sirius, you haven't been acting like yourself," she tried carefully. "You've been skittish. Quiet one minute, angry the next. All your friends want to do is help."

Sirius sighed heavily. "Help… Lily there is no help for me." Lily was shocked to hear the defeated tone in Sirius' voice.

Lily leaned forward and met Sirius' stormy eyes. "Try me, Sirius," she said seriously.

Sirius shrank back slightly, looking like a puppy who had been wacked with a newspaper too many times. "Lily… I just can't," he muttered.

Lily knew better than to push him too much. "Well, if you change your mind… you have a lot of people who would be willing to listen," she said after a pause.

Sirius nodded as he stood up and Lily followed suit. Lily frowned as she looked at him. His shoulders were hunched and his wouldn't meet her gaze. It was then that she realize that whatever had happened to him, it was very serious. She took a step toward him and almost expected him to take a step back, but he stayed where he was. Lily slowly wrapped her arms around Sirius, embracing him like she would embrace a little brother. Sirius tentatively returned the hug. After several seconds he pulled away and turned and hurried up the stairs to the dormitory.

Lily watched him go, feeling a sinking in the pit of her stomach. She couldn't even imagine what his parents had put him through to change him so much. She hoped that Sirius would realize how much her friends cared for him. She hoped that he realized how much his secret was destroying the person that he used to be, before that person was gone forever.