Disclaimer: I do not own Firefly/Serenity persons, places or things.

Chapter 14

Tears in the Rain

Hours from our making landfall on Shadow I sat in the galley, a warm cup of the herbal tincture Simon had given me steeping like tea before me on the table next to a pistol Mal had left in my care. Lunch had come and gone, we'd dined on toasted sandwiches, some precious fresh apples and tea. Everyone had cleared out again and I was alone. I studied the holograms of the horses again, learning their names and markings by heart all the while going over the plan the Captain had devised.

Wash would land Serenity in a concealing rocky outcrop and take the mule and drop us some distance from the thieves' camp. We would hike in and stake the place out til dusk then make our move, grab the horses and ride hell bent for Serenity and high tail it out of there. Thanks to Kae we knew exactly where the horses and thieves were camped, on a flat spur of land dotted with a few trees where there was water. Though the planet would by no means be the fertile place it was before the War some things had re-grown. Mal had said he had grown up there on his Mother's ranch. I wondered what had happened to her and her homestead. Mal's eyes had shown such pain at her mention it couldn't be a happy ending. I looked down into my teacup. To lose your mother created a wound on your soul that was slow to heal- some days it felt as raw as it had at first, like it would never close over and always be a gaping hole.

I closed my eyes as the memory forced its way up from the dark corner I had exiled it to. It was a warm night and all the manor's windows were thrown open wide to let the supper breezes drift in while we slept. They carried with them the scent of blossoms from the flowering trees in the orchards and the fresh smell of coming rains. But I lay awake that night my eyes red and raw. I hadn't slept much in weeks, not since we got the news that Father had been shot down on a planet called Hera-worlds away. Then came the message that Jensen had been killed in action. Mother had fainted dead away and had taken to her bed since. I knew she didn't sleep either, her cries and anguished weeping filled the house once everyone was abed. The maids had begged her to take some sedatives the doctor had left behind but she refused. They appealed to me and we finally began to spike her food. That only worked until she stopped eating. Nothing I said or did could get her to eat. She began to shrink before my terrified eyes and became a vacant shell of the woman that had once run this household, several charities, and organized scores of social events, been a loving mother and a strong wife. Suddenly Mother's crying got quieter and stopped. I threw on my robe and hurried down the hall on bare feet to the door of her suite. "Mother, can I get you anything?" I said, knocking and trying the door. It was locked. No answer came from within and I began pounding on the door and trying to force it open. "Mother! Please let me in."

"Miss? What is the matter?" Wren our butler came up behind me in his night clothes.

"Her door, I can't get it open."

"Hold Miss Liara, I have a key." He hurried to his room and with shaking hands he unlocked the door. I stumbled in my haste and scrambled into her bedroom. All was dark; her bed was empty save for a knotted mess of sheets and covers. A gust of wind made me turn toward her alcove where the balcony was, a sick feeling in my stomach.

"Mother?"

"Liara?" she answered weakly. I breathed a sigh of relief until I went to the doorway. My mother stood on the marble balustrade.

"Mother! Come inside, it's going to rain and you'll get sick." My heart raced, she stood scant inches from open air, her body swaying from weakness and the buffet of the winds that now pushed a rainstorm over us.

"I hear them on the wind, Liara."

"Who Mother?" I inched closer.

"Marcus and Jensen. They call to me. If I go the pain will stop, this hurt will go away."

"Mother, you are not alone. You have me. And Braden is still out there."

"He's missing, he's dead."

"But I'm here, don't leave me." I took another step.

"One day you'll fly away from me too, my little bird."

I stepped in the doorway, tears making tracks down my cheeks mixed with the rain that softly fell. I reached my hand out. "Mother, please come down."

"I have to fly to him. I love you Liara." She turned into the rain and stepped off the edge as I leapt forward to try to catch her. I fell to my knees on the cold, wet marble as my ears filled with the sound of my screaming.

A teardrop fell in my tea and I touched my wet cheek and drew a shuddering breath as I fought for control. All I wanted to do was put my head in my hands and cry until there was no more tears however long it took. I looked up and gasped. River stood beside me. She moved so silently. She stared at me, her eyes dark windows to a world removed, haunted eyes, hunted eyes. I had caught glimpses of eyes like that in my mirror reflected back at me. She caught a tear as it dripped off my chin and stared at where it rested on her finger, glistening. "Tears in the rain. She flew away, left the nest empty and broken."

Gooseflesh prickled up the back of my neck and up into my scalp at her words. She focused on me again as if trying to read my bruised and broken soul. Perhaps she saw something there that reminded her of herself. She crossed her arms across her body and clutched her shoulders. "They left, she left. It's not your fault."She whispered in a quiet deadpan. But a wave of emotion crashed threatening to drown me. I got up from the table and went to the sink and gripped the counter taking deep gulps of air, on the brink of breaking down at her words. Those 4 words I had told myself for years without truly believing them, but now hearing another human being affirm that the deaths that I relived in my nightmares were not my fault rang with truth.

Another death, however, stained me blood red. But that was indeed my doing. I wouldn't refute it. For that reason I was being hunted, to pay for past sins but not why I was running. I was done being a slave to my past, to my nightmares and to a man. But I didn't have the strength yet to strike the iron shackles from my spirit and stand on my own. But I was starting to. I ran some water in the sink and splashed my face with it. It was cold with a slight metallic tang and it helped clear my head. I dried my face and when I looked up River was gone.

I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hands and took a deep breath. I was supposed to be preparing for a job, not weeping over what was past and couldn't be changed. If only it didn't haunt me so.

"Everything alright in here?" I turned. Zoe stepped into the galley. I forced a smile as I wiped my hands on my pants.

"Yes, all good."

She eyed me. I was conscious of the damp spots the tears left on my shirt. "I was just thinking of someone."

"Back home?"

"No, someone I lost."

"I'm sorry. It's not easy losing ones you love. You carry them with you but at the same time there is a hole in your heart." She said quietly.

"Yes, there is." I wondered who she had lost. But her face cleared and she got down to business.

"Captain wanted us to meet him in the bay for final prep. We are making our approach planetside."

I nodded at her and grabbed up my short black coat and put the borrowed pistol in the holster on my hip and followed Zoe. Here we go, no turning back now.