Chapter Fourteen
He watched her when she wasn't looking. He no longer viewed her as the same. Their intimacy had changed them and he struggled to understand the feelings that overcame him.
She's not my employee…
She's not my friend….
She's my lover…
My life….
A strong sense of protectiveness came over him as he watched her work.
I almost lost you…
I almost waited until it was too late…
She stood beside Greg as they viewed the evidence from their crime scene chatting quietly. Her mouth would curl to a slight grin when Greg whispered something making him want to be a part of the conversation. She acted as though the night before did not occur.
She kept her distance from him only making contact when the need arose. With her behavior no one would suspect they had made love just a few hours ago. But he knew. He could still feel her beneath him and he found himself drawn to her. He made several unnecessary trips through the lab in search of her. Each time he found her diligently reviewing evidence and searching the database for a match to their Jane Doe.
When he entered the room, he no longer felt her eyes on him and he wondered if she regretted what had transpired between them. Once the shift was over, he went to her desk to say good night but she had already left. His insecurities got the better of him as he made his way back to his office pulling out his book to try to calm his nerves. An hour passed when his phone rang.
"Grissom."
"You should be home sleeping," she said.
"I was waiting for you to tell me good night. I missed you."
"I wanted to tell you here after breakfast," came her reply.
He smiled when he arrived to find that she had cooked. They sat and ate breakfast chatting about the cases during the night.
"You know, you don't look at me anymore," he said.
"I don't need to. I have other thoughts to keep my mind busy," she said with a smile.
"I was afraid you were having regrets," he said.
"The only regret is that I don't think you got much sleep last night," she said.
"I had too much on my mind," he admitted.
"Are you afraid someone will find out?"
"I'm afraid I hope someone will. Like a moth to a flame… I find myself drawn to you," he replied.
"Are you afraid you might be burned?" she said hesitantly.
"I'm afraid you might realize that I'm not what you want," he said.
"I was afraid you would think the same of me," she said softly.
"I think we can put those fears to rest," he said as he caressed the palm of her hand.
"You know, I don't expect you to come here every night. I know that you…"
"Let's agree that if the one needs the other then we're here for each other."
"I'll try not to be so needy," she smiled.
"Being needed is good, being lonely is bad."
She smiled. She cleaned up the kitchen with his assistance. She glanced at the clock and knew that he needed to sleep.
"You could stay," she said.
"I have a confession," he said.
"Already?"
"I can't stay here knowing that Lurie was here with you…I'm jealous," he admitted.
"But we didn't…"
"There are many forms of sex…love…I…hate that I didn't get my act together sooner…I put you in a position where you needed to reach out to someone else…it hurts," he said.
She looked away not knowing what to say.
"I don't want to leave you here alone…not until you've cleared this up with Lurie…"
"Grissom, he wouldn't…"
"Come home with me…please." He asked.
"I have the kitten…my things….I uhm…"
He knew he was being too pushy and he started to offer a compromise when his beeper went off along with hers.
"Looks like we'll have to talk about this later." He said as he smiled. They worked a double. She smiled when she caught him staring at her and tried to ignore the slight brush or touch during the investigation. The shift flew by and soon they were on their way home.
"You did that on purpose," she said staring at him.
"Did what?" he asked with a grin.
"The touch on the knee, the arm, the hip…"
"I think you've become sensitive…"
"You never touched me before," she said with arms crossed. "If you did, you immediately apologized."
"I'm sorry but it was just you and me," said Grissom.
"And Brass…he was there," she said softly as she looked out the window.
"Sara, how long are you going to…."
"Don't."
He stopped but it bothered him that she was still with Brass.
He was only trying to protect you.
She still sees him as innocent….
He's not….
I don't care what the evidence says….
I just thought that right?
Grissom had always relied on the evidence always teaching the new recruits that feelings should be checked at the door when they arrived. "Evidence will speak for itself." He wished the hell the evidence would scream at Lurie. Instead, it was letting him get away with murder. She was surprised when they drove up to the townhouse. She looked at him and he grinned.
"I'll cook?" he quickly offered.
"I'll stay."
They both smiled.
She stood staring at the butterfly case on the wall glancing at Grissom as he cooked in the kitchen. She glanced down and saw the small tape near the plant on the floor.
"You have a tape over here in the floor," she said as she picked it up. She looked at him odd as she read the title, "Sara."
"Grissom?" She stared at the tape and was surprised how quickly he was suddenly there in front of her.
"Sara…" he began.
"Why does this have my name on it?" she asked.
Lie….
Make up anything….
Don't tell her about the wiretap…
She'll be hurt…
She won't trust us again….
"It's a tape someone gave me," he said quietly.
"Brass," she said matter of fact.
"Yes."
"What does it have on it?" she asked.
"He loves you, Sara. He just wants to protect you like me…"
Reality sunk in.
"Wiretap….he wiretapped my apartment." She said numbly.
"It was at the beginning of your relationship with Lurie…he wanted to make sure you were safe…"
"He wire tapped my apartment….my bedroom…Oh God…he's been ….you've both been listening to…"
She stepped back as he walked toward her trying to get her to calm down.
"Sara, I never listened to it. He brought it over and warned me I needed to get my head out of my ass and do something before I lost you…"
"You never had me," she cried.
He flinched.
"You never tried. You wouldn't risk… wait…that's why you did it…you saw that I now had a personal relationship with someone and you decided to pull me back…for how long this time? How long before you dump me and toss me aside? How long before…"
"It's not like that! Sara, please. Let's sit down and talk."
"You did it when I was dating Hank. Don't think I didn't notice that the minute I planned a date with Hank, I was called in to work or what about the time we went to…a two hour drive all the way back here and you sent me to work that case on my own…it wasn't even subtle…you're doing it again."
"I'll admit I was an ass and tried to get you to step back and realize Hank wasn't good enough for you…"
"So now you're doing it with Vincent…you've had so many chances before but you never took them until now…" she threw the tape at him. "Now, I know why. Did you get a kick out of listening? Is this something you picked up while dating Heather?"
"It's not like that…it scared the hell out of me when Adam had you…I was afraid he…I was afraid I wouldn't get the chance to show you how much I loved you…Sara, please…"
"When? Are you going to wait until I tell Vincent and then it will be over between us? That way I won't have Vincent anymore and you'll still have a CSI for that damn lab! I hate that lab! I wish I never came here. I wish I had never left San Francisco."
She turned and headed toward the door but he caught her arm.
"You don't mean that," he said softly. "I promise I'm never going to hurt you again. Sara, I could have lied about the tape. I could have made up some story but a relationship has to be based on honesty and trust."
She covered her mouth trying to hold back the sob.
"Vincent said something like that…he also said you would do this…you would hurt me again. He's never hurt me. You could have told me about the wiretap but you didn't…you chose to keep that from me…you're no different than Brass…that hurts…" she turned away as he watched her shoulders shake from the silent sobbing, "Why? I don't understand? Why do you have to hurt me so much? All I've ever wanted to do is love you….I've never hurt you…"
"You hurt me with Hank…with Lurie…." He cursed at himself regretting it the moment the words left his mouth. He had hurt her far more than she ever did. Sara was not capable of hurting…not intentionally but he could. He could do a lot of things that he never dreamed he was capable of until now.
"What about Sophia and Lady Heather? Is it okay for you to have a relationship but not me? That's it…I'm supposed to be here when you need me…but I can't have a relationship…"
"That's not it! You know why I pushed you away. I was afraid…"
"I never asked you to risk anything! You hear me! If you had wanted a relationship with me then we could have made it work," she sobbed. "You just didn't…"
"I did…I am now…God Sara, I'm so sorry for the hell I've put you through. I love you…I'll do whatever it takes to prove that to you," he said as he reached out and tried to touch her only to watch her move away.
They stood there in silence before Grissom spoke.
"We all have things in our past that hurt. I'm no different. I almost waited too late. Please tell me I haven't waited too long."
"Why now? When I went through hell forcing myself to let someone get close…"
"I can't stand to see you with him. Sara, he's a …"
"Stop it! There's no proof. You just want to believe that you're right! You're wrong! He has never hurt me. He could have that night…when I asked him to stop he could have….but you already know that…you have the tape."
She again made her way toward the door but he blocked her path.
"If you want to hurt me, then do it. Tell me Sara, how long do you want to punish me? I've punished myself for the last five years. I know what hell is because I've been in hell every day I saw you but couldn't touch you. I could only watch from the side…I'm taking the risk Sara. Please, honey. Let me love you," he said brokenly.
"I need to think," she said as she hugged her arms tightly around her.
"If you need time, I'll give it. Just don't…throw this away…we've waited for so long…my fault…I take full responsibility but I promise you I'm going to work on those things that you need," he said.
"What do I need?" she whispered.
"You need someone to love you for who you are, past and present, someone who will make sure you know you're worthy of being loved, someone who will make a home with you and start a family with you and won't let the rape or the domestic violence rob you of what you deserve."
"What do I deserve?" she sniffled.
"You deserve to be happy."
He drove her home trying to replay the conversation in his head trying to formulate a strategy that would convince her that he was sincere this time. His past rejections stared him in the face and he knew there was no one to blame but himself. He had put the doubts and hurt and pain and fear into Sara. He had pushed her away so many times that the damage was now visible by the sadness in her eyes. When they arrived, he had wanted to touch her, to tell her she was wrong about him but she quickly got out of the vehicle and fled to the apartment without a glance back.
He sat there wondering if he knocked would she let him in but then told himself he had said he would give her space to think through the mess and he would give her that. He was not prepared to see Lurie drive up.
Note from author:
You know I always follow angst with the fluff but then fluff comes back around..Okay on to the next chapter. By the way I am going to throw in a few more episodes but then I go out on my own. Thanks as always for the reviews…keep them coming…with each review a chapter follows. Take care! Penny